Wehhh! So here's the big talk. I'm not sure if it turned out quite how I wanted it to, but after re-reading it about a thousand times, I decided to just post it. Let me know what you guys think.


Chapter 13

Guilt

Fili

It was a long time after Fili woke up before he could remember the previous night, and when he did, he was absolutely mortified. The thought of seeing Kili again after such a happening made him want to pitch himself off the balcony, but that was no way to solve his problems. He was going to have to face Kili eventually, and he couldn't stop putting it off.

"Hey, Fili, you awake?"

Speaking of Kili, Fili lifted his eyes to the boy in question, who was standing in the doorway of his bedroom, looking tentatively towards him. His hair was still ruffled from sleep, and he was wearing nothing but a maroon tank top and a pair of boxer shorts. Fili's mouth went slightly dry.

"Yeah," he croaked out. His throat felt a little scratchy, both from his recent bad habits of alcohol and marijuana, and from having just woken up.

Kili padded across the room and sat next to him, clutching two steaming cups of tea. He handed one of them to Fili and kept the other for himself, taking a sip before he spoke. "So.. you ready to talk?"

Fili also took a sip, to buy himself some time, and almost moaned at the feeling of the hot liquid soothing his throat. "I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Do Thorin and Bilbo know?"

"I haven't told them - no one has - but due to how worried they've been about you, I'm pretty sure they have an idea."

Guilt welled up inside of Fili, almost making him want to cry. Bilbo and Thorin had done so much for him, and he was completely betraying their trust and risking his own life, which was a pretty shitty way to repay them. But he was going to sober up again. He had to, and he knew he'd also eventually have to tell them about his relapse. He felt that it was their right to know. "I'll tell them when it feels right."

Kili nodded his head in approval and gave Fili's blanket-covered legs a nudge. "That's a good idea. But right now I just want you to tell me what happened. Why did you freak out in the first place, Fili? We could've talked it out."

Fili swallowed heavily around the lump in his throat, wishing they could take the conversation a bit slower. "I just thought.. I-I guess.."

"What? What did you think?"

Fili took a shaky breath. "I just thought you were upset. I thought you'd think I was perverted and fucked-up for liking someone who's supposed to be like family to me. I thought you were rejecting me, and I guess I couldn't handle that. You could say I'm a little emotionally insecure."

"Fili, I would never reject you. You didn't give me any chance to respond." The brunette reached for Fili's hand, and held it in his own, squeezing it comfortingly. A slow blush crept across his tanned skin and his gaze became shy. "I liked it. I just needed a couple moments to process what was happening."

Relief flooded through Fili's entire being. He had freaked out for nothing and suffered through one of the most trying times of his life for no reason. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me," Kili grinned. "We can try again sometime."

Fili felt all the blood in his body rush to his face and his groin, pooling heatedly in both places, and he nearly choked on his mouthful of tea.

"But forget about that for now," Kili continued, smirking at the look on the blonde's face. "First, you need to tell me about this addiction of yours. When in the hell did you start drinking? Why didn't you tell me?"

Fili sighed. "It started when I was a lot younger. I've already been to rehab once, and let me tell you, it was not a whole lot of fun. But it definitely helped, and between it and the support from my family and Tauriel, I was able to sober up. That was almost a year ago."

"But what started it?" Kili questioned.

"It's kind of hard to talk about."

Kili squeezed his hand again. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. We have our whole lives. I can wait."

Stunned by Kili's words, Fili was silent for a moment. Their whole lives? Was he really serious? "No, I'll tell you. It'll feel better if I get it off of my chest."

"Haven't you talked about it before? When you went to rehab and stuff?"

Fili shook his head, blonde hair swinging. "No. Nobody knows."

A surprised look crossed the brunette's face. "You don't have to tell me."

"I want to," he replied firmly, now completely sure of it. He'd always been too scared to talk about it before, but he knew that if he got it out he'd feel much better.

"It all kind of began when I realized I was gay," he began, sitting up to look Kili in the face. He wanted to be completely open and honest. "I was going into my freshman year of high school. Before then I hadn't really thought about dating at all, so the idea hadn't come up. Of course I had checked other people out once in a while, but I thought I would get over my attraction for guys once I matured. My Freshman year, though, I knew it was permanent. I liked guys, and that was that."

"What was wrong with that?"

"Well, I was nervous about my friends finding out. Of course I didn't have a problem talking about it with Thorin and Bilbo, since they are obviously gay themselves, but all of my friends were very straight and 'popular,' and I thought they would judge me." Fili paused, trying to figure out how to continue. "That's when I fell into a short depression. I didn't drink much, but I smoked a lot of pot and went to parties. Not long after that all began, though, I met Legolas and Tauriel. They saved me from that downwards plunder, and I left my old friends to be with them, which was definitely the right choice."

Kili gave him a warm smile and set his tea down to grip Fili's hand with both of his, rather than just the one. He looked genuinely pleased about Fili's newfound friendships and what they had done for him. "Go on."

"A couple years after that I ran into my first adoptive parents."

"What were they like?" Kili asked.

"Uh, well… they did a lot of meth while they were my caregivers. They also sold it. That's how I ended up getting taken away from them. I was actually shocked that they'd been released from prison after such a short time, considering how much trouble they had been in. I'm pretty sure they had spent a lot of time trying to find me, because once they did, it was as if they had known exactly where I was. They knew all about my life - my parent's names, my new name, my friends names, what school I went to - everything."

Kili looked more than mildly concerned and scooted closer to Fili, listening intently. "Where did they find you?"

"I was on my way to Tauriel's," he mumbled, trying to hold back the tears that were attempting to form. "I wasn't able to drive back then, so I had to walk to a bus stop about a mile from the house and take it from there to her house. Sometimes Bilbo or Thorin would drive me, but they didn't always have the time. So, anyway, one night I was making my way towards the bus stop, and they cornered me out of nowhere. Both of them looked terrible, and even though I'd been taken from them at a very young age, I still knew exactly who they were." Fili felt the tears finally slip out of his eyes, and his voice broke. He wanted to stop all together and just break down, letting his body sob out all of the emotion he was feeling, but he knew he had to continue.

"Fili," Kili interrupted.

Fili raised a hand, stopping him from continuing. "It's fine," he said softly, hot tears racing down his cheeks to catch in his beard. "I need to say it."

Kili nodded, lifting one of his hands to wipe some of the wetness from the blonde's face.

"Anyway, they cornered me a short distance from the bus stop. It was fairly late, so not many people were around, and naturally, we were pretty close to an alleyway that ran between two shops. They dragged me down it and pushed me face-first into one of the walls, mocking me about myself and my life the entire time, like they had any room to speak." He wiped angrily at his face with his free hand, growing more upset by the second. "I was so scared and had no idea what they wanted. I offered money, but they simply would leave me alone. I didn't know what they had intended to do until the woman undid my pants and started touching me."

Instead of looking shocked and disgusted, like most people would, Kili just grabbed Fili's other hand, to keep him from wiping his face anymore, and then rubbed soothing circles over the back of both of his hands. It only made Fili cry harder.

"They didn't rape me - not really," he sobbed, burying his face in Kili's shoulder. "The woman just touched me, although she didn't get much of a reaction out of my body, and the man shoved his dick down my throat more than once. I was seventeen fucking years old." The anger returned to his voice.

"Fee, that's still rape," Kili sighed, running his fingers through tangled, blonde hair. "You should've told someone. They should've gone back to prison."

"I'm a male. Nobody would've believed me."

"They were meth addicts. The odds were already against them. Plus, you were underage."

Fili leaned back and looked up at Kili with sad eyes. "I didn't think anyone would've believed me. I kept it bottled up for a long time, and that was when I turned to drinking. I drowned my sorrows with alcohol for over four years before anyone made me sober up. I grew dependent on it. And when I thought you were going to reject me, I guess I just panicked and didn't know what else to do. I didn't realize how bad the situation had gotten until I was in that room with Josh. I thought he was actually going to rape me, Kili. i was so, so scared. I couldn't even fight back."

"You're okay," Kili whispered, pulling the blonde into a tight embrace, wishing he could magic away all of his sadness. "And I'm going to help you get sober again. We're going to get through this, I promise."


Kili

"So you don't think I'm disgusting? I didn't freak you out?"

"I could never be disgusted with you," Kili smiled, pulling back to look at Fili. "I knew you were everything I wanted the moment I laid eyes on you, as cheesy as that sounds."

Fili gave the brunette a watery smile and the flush returned to his face. He looked heartbreakingly beautiful, even with the blotchy, tear-stained cheeks and ratty hair.

Kili cupped the blonde's cheeks with his hands, his beard scratchy under his palms. Heat emanated from where the blood was rushing under his skin, and he watched as Fili's face brightened even more. "We're going to get through this."

"I know. I trust you," Fili whispered.

"Fee… can I?"

The blonde nodded.

Without wasting another second, Kili leaned forward and pressed his lips to Fili's.

It wasn't anything fancy - just a brush of lips - but to Kili it was like fireworks exploding in his entire being. He was gripped by a sudden sense of euphoria, causing him to go dizzy in the head, and his hands, which were still cupping the blonde's cheeks, increased in pressure as he tried to ground himself.

The kiss was short lived, but when they broke apart and looked at each other, both of them burst into joyous laughter. Kili memorized the moment, planning on never forgetting it as long as he lived.

"Thank you," Fili flushed. "For accepting me."

"The pleasure is mine," Kili teased with a wink, grinning cheekily at his companion.

"So we are good?"

Kili nodded and dropped his hands to grip onto Fili's again. He laced their fingers together and stared the blonde in his cerulean eyes, wishing they could stay there, in that bed, just looking at each other, forever. "Better than good."

Fili didn't respond, but dropped his gaze to their hands in embarrassment. The older boy didn't usually come off as shy. Sure, he was pretty quiet most of the time, but he always seemed relaxed and confident, at least until he'd started drinking. Kili could tell he wasn't used to situations such as these. "Does this mean I can begin properly courting you now?" Kili asked.

That reeled Fili's attention back in. "Courting me? What, are you sixty years old or something?"

"Courting is ageless, Fee. It's a tradition that will never die," Kili replied, a wide grin splitting his face. "And you're going to let me court you, whether you like it or not."

The flush returned, once again, to Fili's face. "Okay, fine," he replied. Then he gave Kili a small grin before adding, "And I like it when you call me that."

"Fee?"

The blonde nodded.

"Hmmmm, I guess I'll have to start doing it more often, then."

"I think I'd like that," Fili smiled, cheeks dimpling. Kili would never, ever get used to those perfect crescents on each side of the blonde's mouth. Nor would he get used to the perfect, golden color of his hair, or his usually well-groomed, ginger-blonde beard (which, if Kili was honest with himself, he liked it best at times like these, when Fili let it grow a little longer and scruffier,) or his short, compact body. Everything about him was artistic, and Kili felt like a very lucky critic.

"I think I'd like that. Now, why don't we go back to sleep?"


When Kili awoke that morning for the second time, something was pleasantly different. It took him quite a while to figure it out, since he was still in a sleep-like daze, but once the wheels in his brain began turning, waking up, he realized that his arms were wrapped around a certain warm body. Fili.

Kili smiled to himself and snuggled closer, pressing his face into the blonde's back. He suddenly felt so happy that he wanted to get up and shout it to the world, to dance and sing and do all things happy. It was a feeling he'd never truly experienced before.

After a few minutes, Kili became too curious to keep his face pressed against Fili's back, and he peeked over to look at the clock on the nightstand. He found, much to his shock, that it was nearly 1:00. It was pure luck that he didn't have work that day, and due to Fili's most recent lifestyle and habits, he assumed the blonde didn't have work either. It was probably hard to get many clients when you couldn't even see straight, due to daily hangovers.

"Hey, sleepy-head, wake up," he spoke, gently poking Fili in the side.

The shorter boy began to stir, blinking open red-rimmed eyes and sniffling. It was obvious that he still hadn't completely recovered from the emotional breakdown he'd had just a few hours before, but he looked a lot better still. Kili wasn't surprised that he'd slept for so long. The previous night couldn't have been a good one for Fili; between the near-rape and the non-consenting drug use, he probably wasn't feeling too hot.

"Wha time is it?" Fili grumbled, burying his face in the pillow. The blinds didn't let a lot of light into the room, but it was clearly enough to upset the blonde.

"Almost 1:00. We should probably get up," Kili responded, flipping back the blankets to climb out of bed. It was a little bit chilly in the room, and made the hairs on his arms stand on end, but he ignored it and walked around the the other side of the bed before placing a gentle hand on Fili's arm. "We've undoubtedly missed any form of breakfast, so we should probably try to catch lunch while we still can."

Kili's idea, that speaking of food would get Fili out of bed, completely backfired. Instead of rising from the pile of blankets, eager to go eat, the older boy simply shifted a little closer to the edge of the bed and promptly threw up all over the floor. Kili's appetite went out the window.

"That works too," he grimaced, moving to take a small step away from the puddle on the floor. It didn't look like Fili had eaten much the previous day, and it mostly consisted of stomach acids and what Kili assumed was whatever remained of the alcohol he'd drank the night before. "I'll be right back."

Kili went down the hall to the bathroom, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to tell Bilbo or Thorin, knowing he wouldn't be able to lie to them about the reason Fili had thrown up, so he decided to look for something he could use to clean it up himself. After a couple minutes of searching, he found mop bucket under the bathroom sink and filled it with hot water. Then he grabbed the rattiest rag he could find, which was nicer than anything he'd ever used in the orphanage, and walked back to Fili's room.

Fili was now sitting up, looking a sickly shade of white, staring at the puddle of sick on the floor. "Sorry," he mumbled, upon seeing the brunette enter the room with the bucket.

"Don't be sorry. It happens."

"I'm just sorry I drank in the first place. I'm sorry I went to that party last night. I'm sorry I didn't ever listen to you when you tried to speak to me."

"Fee," Kili interrupted, setting the bucked down. "Stop. It's okay. You've nothing to be sorry for, and I told you before - we are going to get through this. I'm going to help you, and you will get better again, and everything will be okay. Calm down."

Fili nodded, and Kili, satisfied, knelt down to clean up the mess. The smell was horrible, but generally speaking, it didn't really bother him. Ori had always told Kili that he should go into the medical field, since bodily fluids and gore never affected him much, but Kili had always shrugged off the idea, knowing he didn't have, and would never have, enough money to go to school.

After he finished, he dumped the soiled rag in the bucket and stood up, giving Fili the kindest face he could possibly muster. "See? It's all gone. It's fine. Now, let's go get you cleaned up."

Kili grabbed the bucket again, and then grabbed Fili by the arm, guiding him out of the room and down the hallway. After pushing the shorter boy into the bathroom, Kili followed him in to dump the dirty bucket water into the toilet and make sure that Fili would be alright.

"I can shower on my own, Kili."

"I know you can," he responded, stowing the bucket back under the sink. "But just remember to brush your teeth. And you really should wash that hair as well. It doesn't look like you've been taking very good care of it. Oh, and also clean under your nails. I always forget to do that."

"Okay, mother," Fili said, finally cracking a grin as he pushed Kili out of the bathroom. Some of the color had returned to his face. "I promise to clean myself thoroughly."

"Okay," Kili grinned back, stupidly, unsure of what to say.

Fili gave a short laugh before shutting the door, bringing an end to the conversation. Kili stared at the offending piece of wood, wishing he was still on the other side of it, with the blonde, but knew that he also needed to get ready for the day.

It didn't take him that long, since he didn't really need a shower. He threw on a clean pair of underwear, a long-sleeved, blue and grey striped shirt, and a pair of skinny, denim jeans. Most people would think it was far too warm of an outfit for the weather, but Kili always covered up. He was comfortable that way.

"About time one of you showed up," Bilbo said as Kili stepped out, onto the back porch, squinting through the nearly-abusive sunlight. "I thought you might've died."

"It sort of feels that way," Kili admitted, taking a seat at the table, across from the tiny man.

Bilbo had clearly been reading some sort of novel, enjoying his time in the sunlight, before Kili had come out. Now he looked up at the brunette with a fond smile. "Where's your other half?"

Bilbo had begun to refer to them this way as soon as they'd become friends. Kili assumed it was because they had hit it off so quickly, and the way Bilbo said it seemed right. Kili really did feel like Fili was his other half sometimes, and they hadn't even known each other for that long. So much had happened in such a small amount of time. "He's showering. I don't think he's actually feeling that great today. It was difficult to get him out of bed and down to the bathroom, but he really needed a good wash."

"I'm glad you got him up. I haven't seen a lot of him lately." Bilbo looked sad, and a little bit worried, and Kili had to stop himself from breaking down and telling the man everything that had been going on. Nobody was prepared for that yet, including himself, but he wasn't one to usually lie, especially to someone so caring and trusting as Bilbo.

"Anyway," the older man sighed, taking a drink of what looked like lemonade, "what are you doing today? I know it's your day off."

Kili shrugged, but seconds later his phone jingled with the sound of a new text message. When he pulled it out he could see it was Ori, demanding that Kili visit him soon. Well, that settled it.

"I suppose I'm going to go visit Ori today. He's asking to get together as soon as possible."

"Oh, yes," Bilbo nodded, picking his book back up, "I believe he has most of today off. You two haven't seen much of each other lately, it doesn't surprise me that he wants to get together."

"Who are we talking about?"

Kili turned to see Fili stepping out of the back door, hair hanging damp, but fresh, onto his shoulders. He had on a red and blue striped tank top, which of course made Kili excited, since they sort of matched, and he also wore a pair of grey chino shorts. The brunette suddenly felt like a teenager, eyeing up their high-school crush.

"Ori," Bilbo replied. "Kili was just telling me that he was going to go visit him today. And what about you? How are you feeling?"

Fili's eyes widened slightly, and he took a seat next to Kili. "What do you mean?"

"I told him you weren't feeling well," Kili spoke quickly, trying to stop anything wrong from being said. It wouldn't do well to confuse everyone. He needed to keep his lie as solid as possible.

"Oh, yeah. That." Fili sighed and leaned back in his chair, looking more tired than he should have after such a long night of rest. "I felt kind of nauseous this morning, but the shower helped quite a bit. I think I'm going to take it pretty easy today."

Bilbo didn't respond, but nodded and seemed to believe Fili's answer. Both of the young men breathed a deep sigh of relief and shared a quick, nervous glance. It was definitely going to be an interesting day.


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