Hey, everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. I've been incredibly busy, but don't worry, I have some other chapters almost ready to go!
So this chapter is kind of a breather. Not a lot happens in it, but I really hope you guys like it, and I hope it's not too boring! Haha :)
Enjoy!
Chapter 14
Breathing
Fili
After Kili had left to go meet up with Ori, Fili found himself alone with Bilbo. The two of them were in the sitting room, nursing hot cups of tea and staring awkwardly at each other. Fili always found talking to Bilbo to be a natural thing - as easy as breathing - but for the first time in his life, he found himself speechless. Guilt was eating away at him, causing all casual thoughts to swim out of his grasp.
Bilbo cleared his throat. "So. What have you been up to lately?"
Fili pretended to look confused. "What do you mean?"
A disbelieving eyebrow arched high at Fili's response. It was more than obvious that the elder didn't buy into his innocent words. "You know what I mean. You've hardly been around at all, as of late, and everyone has been worried about you. Today is the first time I've even seen you looking remotely like your normal self."
"We already discussed this," the blonde sighed, taking a sip of his tea. It burnt his tongue slightly, but he repressed any sort of response to the pain. "I'm perfectly fine, and handling everything on my own."
"Kili has been pretty upset with you."
Fili felt it like a slap to his face, and the intensity of his guilt rose measurably. Kili had been so quick to forgive him, but the blonde hadn't considered fully what he'd been doing to his family and friends. How upset had Kili been, for Bilbo to have noticed? Did the brunette truly forgive him, or was he still hurting, deep inside?
"We made up," Fili finally grumbled, face heating. He wasn't about to go into detail of how well their make-up had gone. "Everything's back to normal."
The older man stared at him for a long time before he leaned forward, setting his tea down on the coffee table, and gave Fili a firm, unreadable look, boring into the blonde with his hazel eyes. "No, it's not," he spoke in a voice that Fili had only heard once or twice. "Do you not understand how you've been making the rest of us feel - sick with worry, and as if we didn't matter - because you clearly didn't care about the rest of us while you were off doing all things mysterious. Why won't you just tell me what's going on?"
Fili couldn't respond. He had no reply for Bilbo, since he truly didn't want to lie. He'd done so much of that lately. He didn't think anyone was prepared for the truth, but then again, would they ever be?
"Well?"
His resolve broke, and Fili felt tears instantly pool and drip hotly down his face. Bilbo's angry expression softened almost immediately, and he stood and made he way around the coffee table, to kneel in front of Fili, looking up at the tear streaked-face that was now hidden behind the blonde's hands in frustration and embarrassment.
"Fili? Fili, please tell me what's wrong," Bilbo pleaded, prying Fili's hands away to look at his face. The expression of pure sorrow he found was almost shocking.
"I-i can't tell you," he sobbed, shallow breaths wracking his body.
"Yes, you can. You can tell me anything."
Fili looked at the pure honesty on Bilbo's face with his blurry vision. There wasn't an ounce of judgement within those round, pleading eyes, but the blonde still felt hesitant to say anything. It wasn't a matter of being judged. It was a matter of upsetting those he loved.
"Please," Bilbo begged.
Fili opened his mouth to speak, but it only caused his breathing to become more labored, almost to the point of panic. Eventually he was able to cough out, "I relapsed."
The older man's face changed dramatically, but he didn't actually look that surprised. The expression was one that said he knew what had been happening, but he'd hoped that it wasn't true. Fili's words had just confirmed his worst fears. "Fili…"
"You don't have to say anything. Please, I promise I'm taking care of it. Kili is going to help me."
Now surprise lit up Bilbo's face. "He knows?"
"I told him. Or - I suppose - he eventually pried it out of me. He knew something was wrong. He spent days trying to figure it out and get me to talk to him." Fili stared down at his lap, a frown on his wet face. "I should've talked to him sooner. It made me feel a lot better."
"I'm guessing he's the reason you look so much better this morning."
It wasn't a question, but the blonde nodded, mouth almost twitching up in a smile. One day, he figured, they would look back on the past couple of weeks and laugh about how stupid the whole ordeal was. One day, very far in the future, when Fili had been clean for many, many years.
Bilbo sighed and stood back up, running a small hand through Fili's hair affectionately. "You know you're going to have to speak with Thorin, right? He's been missing you a lot, Fili. You owe it to him. Even though Kili is of blood relation to him, he's still your father."
"I'll speak to him this evening, after he comes home from work," Fili replied, completely earnest. Now that he had told Bilbo, without receiving the epic, horrendous reaction he had expected, he felt as if telling Thorin wouldn't be too hard.
"And if you need anything - anything at all - you need to come to one of us. I know Kili said he'd help you, but we are here for you, as well. We want you to be safe and happy, and you need to trust us."
Fili stood, pulling the shorter man into a tight hug as he spoke. "I do trust you," he replied, his words muffled by Bilbo's hair.
"I love you."
"Love you too." Fili pulled back, smiling at last, and felt fresh tears come to his eyes as he looked down at his ever-loving, generous, adoptive father. Even though he had two dads, they were entirely different from each other, and Bilbo had always been the first one Fili would go to for help, or just to talk, because he was the most understanding of the two. Sometimes his reactions were strong, and he was occasionally fussy, but for the most part, he did nothing but care.
Bilbo patted the blonde on the arm and then grabbed his waist with both hands, frowning. "You've lost weight. How about I go start dinner. What about steak and potatoes?"
Fili's grin widened. "That's my favorite."
"I know," Bilbo winked before turning and heading towards the archway that led into the kitchen. "And you better eat everything I put on your plate, because Mahal knows you need it."
Shaking his head at Bilbo's retreating form, Fili let out a long sigh. He still felt a little bit sick, but he was also restless and needed to get out and do something. His first instinct was to go out in search of any form of alcohol or mild drugs, but obviously couldn't do that. He was just happy that he wasn't feeling the need to inject any heroin into his system. The last thing he needed was to become addicted to such a lethal drug, and not even by his own choice, considering he'd never wanted to do it in the first place.
After a few minutes of pondering his different options, Fili decided to go into work for a few hours. Even if he didn't have any clients scheduled, and doubtfully would end up getting any walk-ins, he'd still be out of the house and having a somewhat normal time. Plus, he missed Tauriel and Legolas a lot and hadn't seen much of them lately, and when he had, he'd just ended up arguing with them. Also, now that Tauriel had told Legolas pretty much everything about Fili's past addictions, the blonde was breathing down his neck even worse than the redhead. Fili understood their worry, but it could still be infuriating and definitely not helpful.
A quick trip to the bathroom later, and Fili was out the door. He decided to walk instead of taking the Jeep, since it was such a nice day outside. His hair was still slightly damp from the shower. He had so much of it that it usually took hours for the golden strands to completely dry, and even though it sometimes drove him crazy, he wasn't planning on chopping it off anytime soon.
By the time he arrived at the shop, sweat was steadily trickling down his neck and under the back of his shirt. Already Fili could tell that the up and coming summer was going to be a brutal one, and soon he would have no choice at all but to drive to work. The cool air inside the building was beyond welcoming. Almost as welcoming as Tauriel.
"Fili!" she squealed, bounding across the room, towards him.
Before he could even register what was happening, let alone cool down, he was nearly tackled by the excited redhead. She threw her arms around him, pulling him in for a tight hug, and he could've sworn it sounded as if she was nearly crying, due to her ragged breathing and the slight tremors he could feel were running through her body.
"You stupid boy!" she exclaimed, pulling back to look at him with wet eyes. "I was so worried about you! I tried to get you out of that stupid place, and you simply would not listen. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" She began pounding into his chest with her slender fists, frustration apparent all over her face.
Fili grabbed her hands to keep her from hitting him any more, and gave her the most apologetic look he could muster. "Tauriel, I know. I'm sorry. I've been a complete asshole, lately. There's no need to tell me, and I don't actually feel that great, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't beat the life out of me."
Despite Tauriel's slender figure, she was shockingly strong and was skillful at almost everything she tried, and Fili had to admit that some of the blows she'd landed to his chest hadn't felt too good. It didn't help that the heat had made him feel slightly nauseous again.
Tauriel didn't say anything but backed off a little bit, giving Fili some space.
"So, you seem to be doing better," Legolas observed, perched on his usual spot, atop the reception counter. "What happened at the party? Did Kili get you out before you could do anything really stupid?"
His words were harsh, but felt entirely friendly and sincere. Fili understood; he did incredibly stupid things when intoxicated. "Ah,well… let's just say it wasn't good at all and leave it at that. Kili did get me out of there, but I also did some stupid things… kind of." He paused to take a deep breath, feeling as though he was beginning to ramble. "It doesn't really matter," he continued. "Kili got me out of there, and he talked some sense into me. He's going to start helping me kick the addiction again."
"I knew he'd be able to talk some sense into you," Tauriel smiled, giving him one last squeeze before walking back to their work space. "You seem to care a lot about him."
Fili stared at her retreating form, a slight frown on his face. The tone she'd used hinted that she knew something about the two of them - a little bit more than Fili was comfortable with. His redheaded friend was too observant for her own good… and his. He didn't bother correcting her about Kili talking sense into him. After all, he'd been completely knocked out at the time when Kili had gotten him out of that awful situation, but she didn't need to know that.
Nobody did. It was to remain entirely between him and Kili.
Kili
"I can't believe how long it's been since we've seen each other. What's been going on?"
Kili looked at his auburn-haired friend, placing his folded hands on the counter in front of him. "Not too much. I've just been trying to settle down into the house, and I've been working as many hours as Bilbo will give me."
After a quick conversation with Ori, the two had decided to meet up at the Bed and Breakfast. Ori sometimes hated being there, since he already had to live in the place, with both of his brothers, but it was a good place to hang out. It was large, so they usually had the quiet and privacy of an empty room, and it wasn't a public place. Kili really wasn't all that fond of large groups of people or busy, packed places.
They were sitting in the kitchen, which was currently void of all people, besides them. "How is everyone? I've only seen Bilbo one time since he gave me the job at the bookstore, but other than that I haven't heard anything about you or the other two."
"Do you even know Fili and Thorin?" the brunette questioned. He sank down on the stool slightly, his posture the absolute worst.
"I've met Thorin a couple times, but never Fili. I've heard a lot about him from Bilbo, though. He used to drop by here more often, back when we were in school, and he could've practically gone on for hours talking about his family. Last time we saw each other you told me that you and Fili get along great. Is that still working out for you?"
Kili hesitated slightly but ended up nodding his head. After all, he and Fili were still getting along quite well now, actually, but it didn't mean that they hadn't had a few ups and downs recently. "He's pretty easy going," Kili replied. "And really kind."
Ori had obviously noticed the hesitation and gave the brunette a knowing look. Even though Ori was a little bit socially inept - usually sticking to his books and writing, rather than going out and meeting new people - he still had a strange way of reading people almost perfectly, especially Kili. "What happened? I can tell just by the look on your face that something happened."
"Don't worry about it. It's really not that important. Fili has just been having a bit of a rough time lately, and it's been rather stressful."
"What's wrong with him?" Ori whispered, as if they were telling secrets.
"Nothing's wrong with him!" Kili laughed, almost too loudly. "Stop snooping."
Ori, reluctantly, allowed the conversation to drop, but Kili had a feeling it wouldn't be long before the smaller boy came sniffing for info again. He'd always been the kind to gossip, even about the most mundane things.
The two spent the majority of the day meandering about the Bed and Breakfast, catching up with each other and discussing other random topics. The conversation eventually led to Kili's 'date' with Tauriel, which brought the auburn boy to hysterics, and Kili hadn't been able to help but laugh with him. Bilbo and Thorin also came back into the conversation once or twice, but Kili could only describe so much about how it was living with them, considering he hadn't been under their roof for that long, and the entire time he'd been worrying about Fili.
Eventually they ended up outside. It was a clear, sunny day, and the lawn out back smelled freshly cut. Kili, although he was more of an autumn person, couldn't help but grin at the summer feel of it all.
"So what does Fili look like?" Ori questioned once they had sat down, idly picking at a strand of the bright-green grass.
Kili snorted. "Why do you keep asking about him? Haven't you heard enough from Bilbo to get a good idea?"
Shrugging, Ori gave him a wicked grin. "I just want to hear it from you. You know, everyones opinions and views are different. I'm sure you and Bilbo don't look at him the same way."
Although he should've been alarmed by Ori's expression, Kili gave in. "Fine. Uh, he has blonde hair - it's sort of golden, really - and he has a ginger-blonde beard. At first glance, especially if you see him at work, like I did, he seems somewhat intimidating and incredibly confident, which is sort of true, but he's also the most kind, gentle person I've met."
"Besides me," Ori interjected.
"No! He's not nearly as evil as you are!"
The smaller boy just rolled his eyes, so Kili continued on. "He's also a really fantastic artist, which sort of explains why he does tattoos, but you should see his paintings. They are incredible. And his eyes…" Kili paused for a moment. Thinking about the blonde's eyes nearly made him lose his breath, rendering him unable to speak. "They are so incredibly blue, like cerulean and aqua mixed together. And he has a set of extreme dimples that show up every time he smiles. To be honest, I'm shocked that he's still single."
Kili finished speaking, cut off by the look his friend was giving him. It was one of the most unnerving grins he'd ever seen.
"You like him," Ori eventually spoke.
Kili felt his eyes go wide with shock and embarrassment, and every drop of blood in his body went to his cheeks. Great. If that didn't give him away, surely nothing would. "No! God, Ori, he's like family."
"But he's not really, is he?" the snarky boy replied. How could Ori go from being the most shy, innocent being one second, to a full-on gossip reporter the next. "I mean, you two don't share any blood. Technically it's free game."
Kili tried to pull a face, but he simply couldn't think of Fili and look disgusted at the same time. "You're crazy, Ori. I do not like him."
"You do. I can tell by the way you talk about him."
"So it was all a set up?" Kili asked in disbelief. "You only got me to talk about him so that you could prove what you had already guessed."
"Perhaps," Ori grinned, ripping a piece of grass from the ground. "But now I know the truth."
Kili groaned and flopped onto his back to lay sprawled across the ground. "You'll be the death of me, I swear."
After many more discussions with Ori and a delicious lunch later, Kili arrived back home, feeling refreshed. It had felt really good to get out of the house and do something so normal, and it had been pretty refreshing to get some of his feelings off of his chest, as well. He entered the house, naturally glancing around for any sign of the golden blonde, but found Bilbo instead.
"Fili is out back," he spoke, without even asking Kili who he was looking for. "He's talking to Thorin. It could be a while."
The tone of Bilbo's voice gave everything away. "Did he tell you? About his relapse?"
Bilbo only nodded, a sad but unsurprised expression on his face. He looked so tired.
"Right then," Kili swallowed heavily, worried about Fili, and gave Bilbo a small nod back. "I suppose I'll just wait up in his room."
Without sparing another minute, unable to handle any more of the sadness in Bilbo's hazel eyes, Kili spun on his heel and went for the staircase before racing up to Fili's bedroom. Despite the bad condition the blonde had been in recently, his bedroom looked just as tidy as ever. Of course, it could've been because he hadn't actually been spending that much time at him, opting for the parties and alcohol, but it was still an accomplishment. Kili couldn't keep his room clean, even when he was sober.
Much to Kili's surprise, the drawing of him was still on Fili's desk. It even looked as if he had worked on it a little bit. Some details had been fleshed out, bringing a brilliant depth to the drawing, and Kili couldn't help but think that he looked a lot better in the drawing than he did in real life. Was that really the way Fili saw him? He hoped so.
His drawn-self had hair that looked perfectly messy in it's bun, and the smile on his face held so much emotion that the brunette was shocked that Fili had been able to draw it to such an intensity. There were even specks of what looked like coffee stains on his apron, which were definitely on the real thing; Kili could be a real mess at work, and it was not so rare that Kili spilled things on himself.
After a few more moments of smiling at the drawing, Kili decided to lie down on Fili's bed, feeling rather sleepy. Even though he and Ori hadn't done much, the day had left him feeling exhausted. Perhaps it had been due to all that had happened the previous night.
The bed really was quite soft, and the blinds that Fili always had shut were keeping the majority of the afternoon sun out. The bedding smelled like Fili - a mixture of some sort of spice and a deep musk. Kili smiled to himself, and it wasn't long before his eyes slid shut and he fell into a light sleep.
What did you guys think? Let me know if you guys liked it, and I'm definitely open to any criticism or suggestions! Thank you all so much for reading.
