DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters represented in this work, those are owned by their creators, publishers, or distributors. No profit will be made.

Things are explained in increasingly unsubtle monologues. This is good.


Chapt3r

Using a puppet was like wearing dish washing gloves, you could make the same basic movements but everything was a little clumsier and everything felt muffled. And water always got inside and felt super weird, which when Willow thought about it some more, was something that didn't really happen with puppets.

Willow was expecting the world to feel different without the interference of a puppet. She wasn't prepared for the surge of warmth that filled her. This one felt like it could carry her off her feet. Beside her, she could hear Buffy gasp in surprise. Despite expecting it herself, the bottomless floor caused her no small amount of shock. Willow placed a hand on Buffy's shoulder, more to steady herself than anything else. They'd known each other for so long, that one touch told Buffy everything she needed to know. Both felt themselves calm down.

"So you're back" Gatekeeper said, leaning casually against the iron gate. "And you've brought a friend. Hi Buff."

"You don't get to call me that." Buffy said. She spread her feet apart, trying to get her balance. There was no time to admire the night sky around her, Gatekeeper deserved her attention. She was standing on nothing, or what felt like nothing. Every step she took made a tiny voice in her head scream she was going to plummet into the abyss. Very carefully, she ignored it.

"Fair enough. Hey Wills, when you left, your arm vanished with you. Now I'm all itchy." He shrugged his shoulders, hefting his axe aloft. He turned to Buffy so slowly it was a masterclass in physical wit, "Scratch it for me?"

Buffy grinned, "You're on Donkey Kong."

Gatekeeper exploded forward, low to the ground, axe trailing behind him. He twisted at the last moment, jackknifing and throwing the axe into an upward swing that would have split Buffy in two had she been anywhere near.

She was slow or what felt slow to her. Without anything visual to stand on, she couldn't time his movements the way she wanted. She was clumsy like a newborn, throwing herself wildly out of the way of Gatekeepers mad swings.

But like any newborn she found her footing quickly. Buffy wasn't a fighter who used her brain, not in the analytical sense at least, but few had the natural combat instinct that she'd honed with years of fighting. Few slayers were capable of fully harmonizing with their slayer memories, to Buffy that was her existence.

Gatekeeper swung at her neck, aiming to behead her. It was a good attack, one he disguised in-between feints, and had he attempted it ten seconds earlier it probably would have worked. But ten seconds was all Buffy needed to adjust.

Before he had even moved the axe toward her she was moving, sliding towards him. Moving away from the axe was too risky, Buffy wasn't sure of his technique or his strength and she was still off balance from what felt like being squeezed through a garden hose. So she intercepted his arm, grabbed him by the lapels and slammed a fist into his chin with enough force to knock out a gorilla.

He reeled, but stayed upright. So she did it again.

And again. And again and-

"Enough of this shit." Gatekeeper muttered through broken cartilage and a river of blood.

He jackknifed at the waist and intercepted Buffy's fist with his forehead. It sounded like a bushel of twigs being snapped all at once.

"Damn it." Buffy said, "If I was a normal human that would have broken my hand."

"If I was a normal human, that punch would've put a hole through my head."

Buffy shrugged, "Then I guess neither of us have anything to complain about."

"I'm going to cut your head off."

Willow, was busy behind Buffy to get a better angle, all she needed was one clear shot and Gatekeeper would be neutralized.

"No," a voice said, before Gatekeeper could make good on his promise. "You won't. Get on your knees, hands above your head Gatekeeper."

Xander, dressed in army fatigues and brandishing an assault rifle, stepped forward. He tossed a pair of plasti-cuffs to Buffy, "I'll cover you."

"Traitorous asshole." Gatekeeper slowly followed the instructions. He did not look pleased. That was a clever use of understatement.

Once Gatekeeper was on his knees, Buffy kicked him between his shoulders and quickly closed the plasti-cuffs around his wrists behind his back. Then she pulled him into a choke and patiently waited until he stopped struggling.

"Thanks for the assist." She said, noticing for the first time that the Xander that had helped her had two eyes.

"Are you Soldier?" Willow blurted.

Soldier blinked, "I guess I should have expected you'd figure that out quick. You're the smart one."

He slung the rifle over his shoulder and pulled his jacket tighter around him as if he were staving off the cold, "Come on, if you want to save Xander I'll need to give you the tour."

Willow and Buffy followed. "Do you know where he is?"

"Yeah," Solider said, "We'll get there later."

He kicked the gate open and as they walked through, the world around them shifted until it resembled a far too familiar setting. Towering bookcases and a pair of staircases leading to a distinctive half level greeted them through the now improbably small entrance. Soldier closed the small wooden door behind them.

"Is this the Sunnydale Library?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah," Soldier said, "This is where the Halloween costumes live."

Before they could ask what that meant, they caught a look at the room and froze.

The room resembled the Sunnydale Library in only the most superficial way. The books looked right and the room was close to what they remembered. But it must have been 5 times the size of the real library, it smelled a lot worse than they remembered too.

But what was far more attention grabbing was the Xanders that filled the room, all of them of varying age and dress. Some looked like grizzled and hardened warriors, while others scrunched nervously as if to avoid attention. They sat at the many tables or leaned against book shelves, or just lounged wherever there was room.

"Halloween costumes?" Buffy asked, "I thought you were Xander's Halloween costume? I was some French lady and Willow was a slutty ghost"

"Funny how normal that is these days." Willow muttered not sounding amused in the slightest.

"Things have gone a little wrong." Solider said, "These are possible costumes Xander could have worn. They're like alternate costumes."

He led them to the center of the room.

"Wait, is that Master Chief?" Willow said pointing at a figure dressed in MJOLNIR armor paging through a large tome. "How is that possible?"

"I don't get it" Buffy said, "Master who?"

"Master Chief," Soldier said, "star of the video game franchise Halo. He's one of Xander's many possible Halloween costumes from an alternate dimension."

"That doesn't make any sense" Willow frowned, "Halo wasn't released until 2001."

"That's correct," Soldier said, "and it was only announced to the public in 1999 as an Real Time Strategy game that didn't involve Master Chief in any way. He wouldn't be dreamed up until at least a year later."

"Halloween was 1997, how the hell did Xander dress as a character that wouldn't exist for four years?"

Another voice interjected before Soldier could respond, "Willow, Buffy, is that you?"

Another Xander, high school age, with two eyes filled with innocence ran up to them, "Thank god you're here. These people all say they're me, it's crazy." He paused, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you guys are looking really old."

"Xander?" Willow and Buffy said.

"No." Soldier growled. He grabbed the Xander by the back of his shirt and hauled him back to his seat. "Sit down and shut up kid."

"What the hell are you doing?" Buffy said. Pushing through a sea of Xanders to get to Soldier.

"That's not your Xander, he's just another Halloween costume." Soldier said, grabbing Buffy before she reached the other Xander. Buffy could have torn his arms off. She didn't.

"Wait." Buffy said, "That makes no sense, who did he dress up as?"

"Xander Harris." Soldier said.

"No, who did he dress up as?"

"Xander Harris."

"This isn't the time for an Abbott and Costello routine!"

"Xander Harris dressed as Xander Harris." Soldier growled, and Buffy was beginning to suspect that was the only way he was capable of speaking.

"How is that possible?" Willow was beginning to feel uncomfortable under the gazes of the collected Xanders. The way they looked as her was far too intimate for her liking. It left unwanted questions tumbling through her head.

"Have you ever heard of the Celebrity Paradox?" At their blank looks Soldier rolled his eyes. "You know what Star Trek: Voyager is, right?"

They nodded.

"In 1995, Jeri Ryan was cast as the character Seven of Nine in Star Trek: Voyager. At the time, she was married to politician Jack Ryan, but because she needed to be in L.A for Star Trek and he needed to be in Chicago for his political career, they divorced in 1999. The divorce wasn't particularly clean and hardly amiable. When the divorce documents were released, Jack Ryan was forced to withdraw from the U.S. Senate election in Illinois in 2004, thereby allowing his opposition to win in a landslide victory against his replacement. Meaning Barak Obama, now U.S. Senator of Illinois, had a platform to launch his presidential campaign in 2008."

He took a deep breath. "So tell me, in the Universe of Star Trek: Voyager, did any of that happen. Does Jeri Ryan even exist? Was Obama elected president in 2008?"

"I think you lost me somewhere around Seven of Nine." Buffy said.

"That's insane," Willow said, "It still makes no sense."

"An easy answer," Soldier said, ignoring their responses, "is that it doesn't matter. Maybe Jeri Ryan exists, but she worked on a different show, Star Trek never existed. An easier answer is to just ignore it."

Buffy frowned, "I hate to play up the dumb blonde thing but I'm still lost."

Soldier sighed, "I'm sorry, I'm not explaining it very well." He paused a minute to think. "Think of this like fiction, but constantly written and rewritten over and over and over again. New ideas are introduced, personalities are changed. Problem is they don't, not really. Aspects of every re-write still linger and it seems to have overloaded Xander's mind. That's why Xander's trapped and that's why all these," he gestured to the other Xanders that filled the room, "exist. Because things got too twisted and the original Xander could barely find a place to exist."

"Then who are you?" Willow asked, "Why can you stand apart from those other Xanders? What makes you different?"

"Because I'm the original." Xander said, "I am the origin of Xander's fragmentation."

"Wasn't Hyena first?" Buffy interjected, "I won't forget that anytime soon."

"Yes," Soldier said, "But Hyena was a rigid existence. Halloween was malleable, flexible with far greater entropy. Let me put it simpler: whatever cosmic power started the rift latched onto my creation as a vector for altering Xander to their liking. All these Xanders here in the library are Yet Another Halloween Fractal, a new addition to Xander using costumes as an excuse."

"That's not simple at all."

"Think of me as the original to all these fakers." Soldier said gesturing to the other Xanders.

One Xander took exception to his statement. He was dressed in a black tactical outfit, with patches containing ammo and grenades and other dangerous war implements covering his body. He was armed with an assault rifle with all manner of accessories and attachments as well as an obscene number of handguns and knives.

"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo."

Buffy blinked.

Willow snorted.

Soldier rolled his eyes.

"Who the hell is that?" Willow asked.

"That's what happens when someone plays a little too much Call of Duty." Soldier said, "just ignore him. Everyone one else does."

"No way," Buffy said, "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen or heard. I'm going to treasure this memory for the rest of my life."

"I'd really rather you didn't," Soldier growled. "Let's move on from Halloween, I have another section you should see."

He pushed passed the still ranting tactical Xander and led Buffy and Willow to the Library's main entrance. He pulled the door open and held it so Buffy and Willow could go first. What should have been fresh air and a field of grass was replaced by the second floor of Sunnydale High School. It was silent though, far too silent for how crowded the halls were.

"We're past Halloween now." He started pointing to random Xanders scattered haphazardly in the halls or classrooms. "There's 'Cordelia's best friend Xander' and there's 'never met Willow Xander'. He looks pretty sad."

Xanders skulked and stared at them as they crossed. Some whispered to each other, eyes never leaving Buffy or Willow. Looks of yearning, unrestrained lust flew across the hall like poorly timed arrows from an amateur archer. Willow captured Buffy's hand in her own, if only to stop the shaking, "This is wrong. This is very, very wrong."

One of the Xanders started to walk towards them. Soldier immediately unslung his rifle and shouldered it. "Back off." He growled, "Get back or I'll shoot."

The Xander that approached them growled but stood back, snarling as they passed.

"What the hell is this?" Willow whispered.

"You need to understand what's going happening to Xander." Soldier said. "If you want to save him, you have to understand what these existences are. The ones in this hallway, for example, are possible Xanders in Sunnydale excluding Halloween. Essentially, up until the collapse of Sunnydale, these are possible Xanders that could have arose."

"Ok, that's it," Willow said, "I've had it with your bullshit. You haven't explained anything to us. What are we supposed to understand?"

Soldier stopped walking.

"All these variations of Xander are simply aspects, like shadows on pavement." Soldier said, "But as a result, their existence led to the creation of a single being." He laughed unhappily, "I guess you could call it him a Super Xander."

"Who is he?" Buffy said.

Soldier said nothing. He started walking again.

"What are you afraid of?" Willow said, "What aren't you telling us?"

Soldier took a step back under her assault. It was a step he regretted immediately. It gave Willow the momentum to push forward. He made eye contact instinctively.

"ALEX HARRIS." Soldier spat, "she calls himself ALEX HARRIS."

The Xanders in the hallway flinched at the name.

"Who is ALEX HARRIS?" Buffy said.

"That," ALEX HARRIS replied predictably, "would be me."


This would ideally be a place to end the chapter, as it's a relatively interesting cliffhanger, but instead we'll delve into who exactly ALEX HARRIS is.

That's ALEX HARRIS, not Alex Harris, or Alex. Only ALEX HARRIS is capable of translating the majesty of ALEX HARRIS.

ALEX HARRIS is referred to by interchangeable he's and she's because he belongs to all sexes. 'It' is a dehumanizing term, and labels like trans don't encompass the true liminal nature of her existance. He rejected the name Xander because of what it represents, she's an adult, a childish nickname is meaningless to him. Thus Alex.

More importantly ALEX HARRIS was capable of heterosexual and homosexual relationships with every character throughout fiction.

He's beautiful and handsome, sexy and chaste, promiscuous and pure. ALEX HARRIS is like a demented fractal of description porn; an amalgamated self-inserted caricature of self-reflexive perfection and vanity. A fountain and inspiration for a deluge of bungled grammatical wordiness that leaves punctuation and sentence structure scrambling for a reprieve.

ALEX HARRIS is a sufferer of angst and all of the latest most relevant social and physical issues. Like bipolarism, insomnia, depression, ONLY THE COOL ONES. She is okay with this, except for when he isn't. He could be the subject of an Oscar winning biopic. It would also be a musical due to ALEX HARRIS's famed angelic voice.

A MaryGary Sue capable of wielding all the powers combined.


"Typical," Buffy said, "It's like I have the superpower to summon great evil."

ALEX HARRIS, the handsome motherfucker, laughed uproariously. "Truly, you are so funny Buffy, my greatest friend of friends. Your sense of humor is so hip and 'with it'."

ALEX HARRIS uses the expression 'with it' without a trace of irony. This is not ironic.

"Now," ALEX HARRIS said, "queue the fight seen."


Author's Note INSANITY EDITION:

I thought I'd take the time to explain what exactly I'm attempting to do with this chapter and what precisely this story is about. Especially considering the non-sequitur that was the last author's note.

Essentially this story is about the relationship between Xander the TV show character and Xander the fanfiction subject. I love what people have done and continue to do with his character on this site, but I feel it a little odd that the first thing a lot of fics do is power him up when that was never what defined his character. Don't take this as criticism though, there's plenty of fanfiction that powers up Xander in an interesting and believable way, without seeming unnecessary.

I see this type of power up often when a character is derided for being a 'weak' character because they're not physically strong or they lose a fight. But emotional or mental strength can also lead to a 'strong' character. Xander acts as the heart of the group and his role as the ordinary one is important.

In an organization that includes all sorts of mystic types and super powered teenage girl, Xander can be the one ground the team. He keeps the team relatable. That's not to say he can't be a badass, but he's often a badass in a different way than Buffy or Willow.

Take this fanfiction as my own way of examining my feelings about fanfiction.

In any case, if you've read this far you have my sincerest thanks for being willing to read such a bizarre unconventional work.

Welcome to the New Year.