"Of Loss, Life, & Love"
A Ranma ½ Fanfic by Luna12
Chapter 14: "Luck"
Kodachi gazed longingly at her collection of posters adorning her bedroom wall. It was a lurid shrine to her beloved Ranma, full of blown up photos - many doctored to include herself in compromising poses.
Her latest additions were confiscated advertisements for lessons at the Tendo Dojo's Anything Goes School of Martial Arts. These flyers were ripped in various divisions. The portion that contained Ranma's picture was tenderly salvaged. The remainder, which featured Akane, was tacked to a separate wall in a macabre dartboard collage.
Kodachi carefully twirled her specially crafted clubs, sharpened at the ends to a dagger point, before letting them fly. Grim satisfaction warmed the girl's heart as she admired her handiwork. Akane's visage was splattered with holes and dents from the gymnast's practice.
The adjoining wing, where Tatewaki Kuno resided, was like a distorted mirror to his sister's aesthetics. Framed photos of Akane and his "Pig-tailed Goddess" garishly decorated a wall in homage. Similarly trimmed flyers had just been added, only tailored for his tastes; Akane's portions were honored while Ranma's were sloppily glued to kendo practice dummies.
In the lavish courtyard of the Kuno estate, Tatewaki released his frustration upon these Ranma-effigies, his blade slicing through bamboo and straw with ease. It was infuriating enough to be forced to stand aside while that vile Saotome taught lessons with his tigress Akane, it was even worse with the start of autumn and the new school year days away. It used to be a time of joy, when he would begin each morning planning the ways to properly attack, err, embrace Akane. Now, however, he would not be setting foot inside the Furinkan High School grounds. As a university student his chances to be with Akane would be fleeting at best.
Kuno lifted his fist to the sky and cursed the heavens for his fate. Inspired by his passion, he swiftly retrieved his notebook and pen - which he always kept with him, hidden in his garments - and composed a sonnet of his pain, longing, and sorrow of being separated from pursuing love. He had sent Akane several of his poetry journals, but she had yet to be wooed by them. Undaunted, he continued. It was only a matter of time before his noble words properly melted her proud heart.
Kuno's delusional thoughts were interrupted by a piece of fluttering paper, a tattered remnant of the effigy's head, that serendipitously hit him square in the face. Grumbling as he snatched the insulting paper away, Kuno's eyes widened as he read what he had easily missed before:
"-vate lessons available upon request"
Kuno clutched the scrap of paper to his breast in a dramatic pose. The answer to his prayers!
"At last!" he cried out to the empty courtyard. "The Fates have shown me a path to my true love!"
"HO HO HO HO HO HO HO!" a shrill, feminine laugh echoed and eerily filled the space around him. A rain of black rose petals accompanied the cackle.
Kuno straightened his back into a normal stance to greet his shrieking sibling. "What brings you hither, interrupting my joy, oh mad younger sister?"
"Boredom..." she answered simply, circling him warily. She eyed the paper he was holding and her eyes shined with acknowledgement. "...and seeing if you reached the same conclusion I did, oh elder brother."
She waved her own copy of a less mangled flyer, her long fingers delicately tracing the fine print Kuno had just noticed. "Together, we have the perfect opportunity to pursue our individual passions."
Tatewaki's face morphed from suspicion to bewilderment to understanding in a moment.
Their eyes met and the Kuno siblings smiled as one.
The Tendo's breakfast the following morning was tense and awkward.
"Auntie, there's no need for you to go." Kasumi's sweet, heartfelt voice broke the silence.
Nodoka sat with her sword sheathed, yet clenched tightly in her left hand. "Please understand, it is of no reflexion of your generous hospitality, but of the great need to set an example of proper self-reliance for my son."
Ranma's face was scrunched in confusion. Neither of his parents had been willing to discuss the matter last night, and his mother's explanation made no sense to him. "Mom, you never had a problem before."
Nodoka sent a seething glare Genma's way. "That was before I had all the information regarding your past upbringing." Genma remained silent, as he had turned himself into his cursed black and white form at the first opportunity. He held up a sign that read "Don't mind me, I'm just a panda."
Akane twisted the napkin in her lap, but remained silent. She had known the Saotomes had been staying on borrowed time, but why did it have to run out now? Just when she and Ranma had finally started to patch things up, he was moving.
"So, the house got rebuilt already?" Ranma asked.
Nodoka frowned. "No..."
Akane couldn't keep the smile from her face. "Then you can't move out yet."
Nodoka's lips were set in a firm grimace. "We cannot and will not oppose upon you any longer." She gave another frustrated glare at her husband, who was innocently playing with a ball.
Nabiki had her mouth closed, carefully weighing the pros and cons of interfering and in which direction to push. The money saved by getting the Saotome family out of the way was considerable, given how much Genma and Ranma ate. In addition, Ranma leaving meant he took most of the violent chaos with him.
Nabiki took a deep breath, readying herself for the reactions of those around her. "Auntie, we respect your decision."
Akane's mouth opened in surprise. Nabiki continued before her sister could interrupt. "If you like, I can help inquire with available apartments and homes for lease."
"Nabiki!" Akane wanted to throttle her sister. At the same time, she had trouble coming up with a good verbal argument against her in front of the others. On face value, the offer of assistance seemed generous and kind-hearted, but Akane was fairly sure it was motivated by greed. If Nabiki was only seated closer to her, she'd be sporting a bruised shin.
Kasumi sensed the rising tension and intervened. "Until a suitable place is found, I do hope you feel welcome enough to stay with us."
Nodoka sighed. Her own interests were conflicted. She wanted to remove Ranma and prevent him from further picking up Genma's disgraceful and unmanly habits of freeloading. At the same time, they had no other place to go. Once they did move, she would be obligated to fulfill Ukyo's request. She did not have the heart to tell the young couple of the planned separation, and staying an extra day or so would give them a few more moments together. She bowed politely to the eldest sister. "You are too kind, Kasumi-chan. I will actively look for housing and until then, we are in your debt."
Akane let out a deep breath of relief. At least the Saotomes weren't leaving this very instant.
The doorbell chimed and Akane felt her stomach clench. Lately, whenever they had a visitor, it only harbored more trouble. She wasn't ready to deal with more bad news.
Kasumi gracefully made her way to the door and the voice that floated from the entryway made Akane groan. By the time she and Ranma were on their feet, fully alert, Tatewaki Kuno had dramatically entered the dining room. His arms were overloaded with flowers and garish gifts that he spread out at Akane's feet.
"There you are, as beautiful and deadly as the goddess Artemis. As per your protective sister's request, I have painfully counted away the hours of respectful separation until we could finally be united!"
Kuno made a romantic lunge for Akane, only to find his beloved's foot had arched in a graceful, if also rather forceful, scissor-kick to his face. Ah, his majestic tigress was always playing her charming game of hard-to-get! If only that game didn't leave him sprawled on the floor seeing spots so often.
Ranma smirked admiringly at Akane's fast footwork. Her speed had been improving and it was great to see her put it to use on their annoying former senpai.
"Want me to 'escort' him out of the house, Akane?" he offered.
Akane nodded vigorously. "Please." She gave him a wink. "With minimum bloodshed if possible."
While Kuno was still dazed and confused, Ranma hefted his body back towards the front entrance. Akane opened the door for him, and both youths stood stunned in the doorway. Ranma unceremoniously dropped the semi-conscious Kuno to the floor.
"HO HO HO HO HO HO!" A flurry of black rose petals descended upon the entryway.
With gymnastic ribbons twirling and her mad eyes gleaming, Kodachi made her usual overly dramatic entrance. Black rose petals rained gracefully from the roof of the Tendo house, (where if one squinted, the shadow of a servant dispensing the blooms from a basket was visible), while Kodachi pirouetted in the midst of it.
"I'm here for my private tutelage, oh Ranma-sama!" She stopped her graceful spinning and waved the Tendo dojo advertisement from her left hand.
"Oh no..." Ranma groaned.
"Oh yes, scoundrel," gloated Kuno from the floor, who had managed to collect the scattering of his wits to converse. He got to his feet and from his own robe pocket, Tatewaki produced another variant of the flyer. The fine print offering private lessons was circled in red.
"One-on-one private lessons open to any who can meet the exclusive price," he quoted. He then turned and bowed politely to Nabiki.
Akane grabbed Nabiki roughly by the shoulders and pulled her aside. Simultaneously, Ranma and Akane turned to the middle Tendo sister in horror.
"NO," "Not happening," they chorused.
Nabiki pouted in her best performance of wounded feelings. Adding to the effect, she even managed to bring up some crocodile tears. "But won't you do it, for the family?"
Akane was well versed in her sister's manipulative tactics. She knew she was being beguiled and guilt-tripped into agreeing. Yet that knowledge didn't help prevent the twinge of guilt-laden responsibility from hitting her. The Kuno siblings were the most repulsive student candidates she could think of, but that did not change the fact that money was tight and she and Ranma were the household's sole bread-winners.
Ranma could sense Akane's wavering resolve. He couldn't help but feel a bit trapped, as well. He was in debt to the Tendo family in so many ways.
*Time to reel them in all the way*, Nabiki thought, suppressing a smirk. "Excuse us a moment?" she murmured to the Kunos while she gently grabbed Akane's and Ranma's elbows and led them down the hallway to discuss. Nabiki's voice remained calm and logical. "It's not that bad an arrangement, you two: they pay up front, no refunds... and in return all you have to provide is a simple lesson."
Akane collected her thoughts and tried to hold firm to her earlier conviction. "Simple? Do you even realize the chaos you're stirring up with those crazies? I'll end up spending the entire time trying not to kill Kuno for groping me, and Kodachi and Ranma..."
Ranma rubbed his head as if to massage away an impending headache. "That loon can be worse to deal with than Shampoo."
Nabiki's eyes twinkled in delightful mischief. "Who said you can't have the lessons at the same time in the dojo? And who said Ranma has to remain completely dry?"
Akane's eyes widened. Nabiki chuckled. "I think it's about time Kuno saw who his Pig Tailed Goddess really was, hmmm?"
Ranma looked skeptical. All the Kunos were denser than a stack of bricks. It couldn't be that easy, could it?
Before Ranma could voice additional objections, Nabiki had returned to the waiting Kuno siblings. She gave them a polite business bow and without blinking produced stacks of neatly typed legal paperwork. "Look these over and sign on the dotted line."
Ranma opened his mouth, mildly flabbergasted. "What, does she just keep contracts up her sleeve or something?" he whispered to Akane.
Akane sighed. "Nothing about Nabiki surprises me anymore."
In short order, the stack of documents were signed by the Kunos, along with a check with an appreciable number of zeros to make Nabiki smile giddily.
"All right you crazy kids, time is money, and all that jazz." Nabiki was nearly pushing Ranma and Akane towards the Kuno siblings.
"We're starting right now?" Akane sputtered.
Kodachi frowned and glared at Akane. "Wait, will she be there? I only wanted lessons with Ranma-darling."
Kuno was also looking displeased. "We paid for private lessons."
Nabiki just smiled and waved the contracts they just signed. Predictably, the Kuno siblings had barely glanced at it and had missed the fine print. "Ranma and Akane have full authority to each give their private lessons simultaneously in the dojo. Just make the most of it."
Kuno frowned but seemed resolved. "Very well. My fair sensei of the fiercer arts will prevail against any distractions from that vile cur." The two young men glared malevolently at each other.
Kodachi cackled her piercing laugh. "Oh, I have no worries that I'll be enough to keep Ranma-sama fully occupied, despite anyone else's crude presence." Kodachi promptly grabbed Ranma by the arm and led him towards the dojo with a rude flick of her ribbon at Akane's face. Akane yanked it from her grasp before it could make contact, ignoring the sting it gave her palm. Kodachi's eyes widened in surprise at Akane's speed and accuracy before taking on an expression halfway between a pout and a snarl.
"Oh, thanks Nabiki, this will be such fun." Ranma moaned sarcastically.
Nabiki tossed Ranma and Akane each a fresh water bottle. Perfectly sincere, she quipped, "I'm sure it will be... for some of us."
Meanwhile, at the "Dandelion Internet Cafe" in downtown Nerima….
Konatsu was already seated, dressed in his usual and very feminine kimono attire. It was hard to believe that pretty face belonged to a young man.
Gosunkugi fidgeted in his seat next to his cross dressed companion, looking pale and withdrawn. Occasionally he glanced at the door and was eventually rewarded with the sight of his fellow co-conspirator entering. Mousse stood in the doorway, searching the room with his poor vision in a vain attempt to find his associates. After watching the Amazon accidentally walk into a row of computers, then trip on the bar stools near the cappuccino machines, Konatsu gracefully left the table and safely escorted Mousse to their group.
Mousse wiped his glasses in an attempt to regain some dignity. As poor as his vision was, he could still tell that only two blurry figures were seated next to him. "Who's still missing?"
Nabiki's voice answered from behind him. "No one, now." Calmly she took a seat. "Thank you all again for meeting with me here." Nabiki could no longer risk using her room or anywhere on the Tendo property without arousing suspicion. It would be too risky to have Akane or Ranma stumble upon their plans, and Ranma was getting paranoid enough as it was.
At the same time, their group's dynamic and cooperative spirit was fragile. They all had various goals and large personalities. Nabiki needed to touch base and ensure that her minions-uh, co-conspirators - stayed focused.
"Was your date with Akane satisfactory, Gos-kun?" she asked.
Gosunkugi nodded and sighed in happy remembrance. Although nothing came of it, it was more than he ever thought possible. Akane had been so nice to him, sat by him, and he could pretend for just a moment that she was his girlfriend. Although she might be a bit furious with him now for stealing that kiss, it was worth it.
"And you finished doctoring the files?" Nabiki pressed.
"Oh yes." Gosunkugi proudly brought out some papers from his backpack. They were official medical lab test results from the sperm bank. Besides all the medical jargon and undecipherable numbers, was a large black inked stamp reading "infertile". Gosunkugi also brought out some homemade flyers. They claimed "Ranma's not a true man!" and "See the proof!" with relevant portions of the test results copied.
"Once the school term starts, I'll have these printed everywhere!" Gosunkugi explained with a mischievous gleam in his normally sunken expression.
Mousse held the piece of paper inches from his eyes to make it out and snickered his approval. "Serves that Enemy of All Women to be taken down a peg or two."
Konatsu blushed. "Ah, so that's your real motivation for helping us. Revenge is stronger than love, I suppose."
Nabiki gave Gosunkugi a stern warning. "Just remember that you are not to distribute or even breathe a word of this until Shampoo and Cologne return to China. If you prick Ranma's over inflated pride in public, he'll ruin everything we've worked for."
Her fellow conspirators all nodded in agreement. Nabiki relaxed marginally, but this was too important a point to skim over. "I don't want Shampoo following through with that Kiss of Death."
Mousse choked on the tea he had sipped. "What did you say?!"
Nabiki's eyebrows rose in concern at Mousse's startled reaction. "You weren't here back when it happened, but I figured you knew about it."
Gosunkugi nodded. "Yeah, I remember. The whole classroom witnessed it."
Mousse's expression only went more grave. "Shampoo will kill Akane if Cologne finds out."
Nabiki blanched. "The old ghoul doesn't know? I thought they were just choosing to ignore it, like with female-Ranma's Kiss."
"Ranma's was negated by his curse and replaced by the Kiss of Marriage. Akane has no such excuse. If Cologne finds out, she'll force Shampoo to see it through even if it loses them Ranma."
"Akane's life is in real danger?" Gosunkugi whimpered. Suddenly, this wasn't a game about revenge or an opportunity to steal a kiss.
Nabiki stifled the urge to roll her eyes. It was the whole motivation behind her entire machinations, but everyone seemed to be in denial of the real threat her baby sister was under.
Mousse nodded thoughtfully. "It wouldn't be the first time Shampoo's killed an outsider. I suppose the only thing holding her back is trying to win Saotome's heart." *Oh my Shampoo, even years ago you realized his heart belonged to Akane. Why must you still pursue him?*
Nabiki gave the pale boy a level stare. "That's why the blood pledge and infertility results are crucial, Gos-kun. We can trust you to keep helping us, right?"
Gosunkugi gulped. The full weight of his role in Akane's future safety settled hard.
Mousse clapped him on the back for reassurance. "Relax. The plan is working. They think I don't know, but Shampoo and Cologne are heading to the bank tomorrow. And since the bank won't let Shampoo use an infertile sample for the procedure, we're in the clear."
"T-tomorrow?" whimpered Gosunkugi, his voice filled with sudden panic.
Nabiki pounced on him. "Spill it, Gos-kun. What's wrong with them going tomorrow?"
"The bank throws away all infertile samples...but not until 30 days after they've been registered."
Mousse paled. "You mean my Shampoo will still end up carrying that womanizing jerk's child?!"
Gosunkugi tried and failed to sound reassuring. "Only if they are very pushy. The bank strongly discourages patrons from going through the expense and hassle when using such slim odds."
Mousse groaned and held his head in his hands. He knew his dried up heap of a matriarch was far too persistent.
Konatsu patted Mousse's shoulder in sympathy. "Either way, at least Shampoo-san won't marry Ranma-san!"
Nabiki was not pleased, but neither was she devastated. The blood pledge was an air tight contract she wrote with Mousse's help. The Amazons were required to cease all contact with Ranma and all members of the Tendo family. That included any and all forms of communication, so even if the Amazons succeeded in getting Shampoo pregnant, Ranma and Akane would never know. It certainly wasn't the ideal situation, but it would have to do.
Konatsu coughed daintily before changing the subject. "What about the deal Ukyo-sama has with Saotome-oba-sama?"
Nabiki rubbed her aching temples. All her carefully laid plans were getting pinched and pulled at the seams. "Nothing much for now. Just continue to report to me." Nabiki had some ideas she wasn't ready to share aloud.
Konatsu had a thoughtful look on his feminine face. "Nabiki-san, what about the Kuno family? Are they still going after Ranma-san and Akane-san?"
Nabiki gave them a Cheshire cat grin. "Oh, I think that entanglement is being settled right now…"
!SMASH!
Akane watched Kuno groan, prone on his back on the dojo floor, in grim satisfaction. Kuno kept feigning incompetence so that Akane would have no choice but to physically correct him. Not surprisingly, Kuno would use it as an opportunity to let his hands wander. It was the fifth attempted butt grab and tenth time she had Kuno sprawled on his back like a twitching beetle.
On the other side of the dojo, Ranma had his own hands full fending off Kodachi. So far, he had managed to avoid Kodachi spraying him with some hallucinogenic cologne, being pricked by the thorns of her sleep-potion laced roses, and knocked away her paralysis-gas-spewing baton. All of this while he avoided "accidentally" being entrapped in her swirling ribbon. Even Ranma couldn't keep dodging her sly tricks forever. Especially while he was so distracted watching Akane across the dojo.
Ranma clenched his teeth as he watched his former sempai try to cop a feel on his fiancee. Even though Ranma knew Akane could handle herself, especially against the likes of Kuno, the urge to protect her and break every one of Kuno's wandering fingers was strong.
Kodachi "tripped" yet again from a stance Ranma had seen her perform gracefully a dozen times in her rhythmic martial arts. Instinctually, Ranma had caught her, and Kodachi seized the moment; her arms wrapped tightly around Ranma's neck, her lips pursed and ready to assert her passion.
!SPLASH!
Kodachi coughed and sputtered. "Ranma's my fiancé." Akane glared down at her with two empty water bottles.
Kodachi hardly took notice of Akane. She was staring wide-eyed in shock at a now very female, voluptuously shaped, red-headed, Ranma - who was still wrapped around her arms.
"EEKKK!" Kodachi squealed and hopped out of Ranma's slender arms. She recognized the female Ranma from their previous Rhythmic Gymnastic duel. If she hadn't felt Ranma's manly form melt and shift under her body, she would have assumed she was hallucinating.
"You're-you're that girl?" she stuttered.
Tatewaki's eyes were equally wide with shock. Even though Ranma had transformed in Kuno's arms long ago, the idiot had his eyes closed while in the process of glomping 'her'. Combined with his stupidity and own intent fantasies, Kuno had stuck to the delusion that Ranma was hiding the girl from him. For once, he had seen the entire transformation unobscured.
"My pig-tailed goddess...is YOU?!" Kuno roared in equal measure of disgust and despair. "What vile sorcery is this!?"
Ranma flipped back his wet pigtail, taking perverse pleasure in rattling Kuno. "It's a curse. Cold water changes me to a girl, and hot water changes me back to my real body. A man. Got it?"
Kuno's mouth flapped open and close like a cod fish. "This...cannot...this...isn't happening!"
It was at that moment that the dojo doors opened and a large, fat panda waddled in. In one paw the creature carried a hot tea kettle, and in the other a sign reading "Nabiki sent me." The bear shuffled towards the female-bodied Ranma and then poured the hot water over the cursed youth.
A newly restored Ranma answered brightly, "Ya see, chump? Oh, and the panda is my pop." Ranma gestured with his thumb at the black and white bear before pouring the remaining hot water over its head. Genma wiped his wet, newly human face and smirked, showing off his resemblance to Ranma. The Kuno siblings continued to stare in a mixture of awe and horror.
Akane had to admit, it was a rather surreal scene to absorb.
"Curse, sorcery, whatever you call it," Akane explained, "It's Ranma, a man, you've been chasing all this time."
Kuno's face changed colors from red to green. Kodachi, however, had recovered far more smoothly.
"Hmm...what delicious possibilities your body has, Ranma-darling."
Now it was Ranma and Akane's turn to feel nauseated.
Kuno covered his eyes with his hand, as if to block out the mental image. "Absolutely not! I, your elder brother, forbid it!"
Kodachi pouted. "Elder by only nine months," she muttered.
Kuno didn't bother to argue. Confused, embarrassed, and greatly disturbed, he grabbed Kodachi's arm and forcefully led her out of the dojo in retreat.
Akane burst into giggles with Ranma chuckling along.
"Do you think they'll leave us alone, now?" she asked once she caught her breath.
Ranma shook his head. "Hah...if only we could be so lucky. Maybe a week?"
Akane smiled ruefully. "About time luck went in our favor…"
Meanwhile in downtown Tokyo, at the Gosunkugi Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic...
A lowly intern was going through the monotonous chore of applying pre-printed labels to the appropriately filled test tubes. Alone, unsupervised, and bored out of his mind in the small room, he was rocking to tunes on his mp3 player and not being nearly as cautious as he should be.
As a result, the label for "Saotome Ranma" was placed on a very different donor…
Author's Notes:
* Bows deeply in apology * Sorry it has been so long since the last update (in Aug 25, 2010. Eep!) It only took over three years this time.
I know that the Kuno issue isn't resolved...yet. I have many more chapters written out in rough draft form and an outline. This story will not be abandoned (unless I die first).
Many thanks again go to my awesome beta-reader and sounding board, Angela-Jewell. Without her, this chapter would have lacked a lot of the humor and comedic timing.
