Beth leaned back in the rocking chair, her newborn still wailing in her arms. The swaddle blanket had been thrown across the room and three pacifiers were strewn unsuccessfully at Beth's feet. At this point in the night, Beth couldn't distinguish her frustrated cries from the baby's. Ella had been colicky since she was born and as much as Maggie and Glenn offered to help, Beth routinely sent them away. She knew they weren't the ones who should be with this baby; something in the back of Beth's mind kept telling her the little girl just wanted her father, the same person Beth needed so desperately right now.
As Ella let loose another wail, Maggie walked calmly into Beth's room. Beth did her best to put on a strong face but the effort took too much of her remaining energy and she let her face fall, numbness spreading through her cheeks.
"She ain't hungry. She's ain't wet…" Beth forced herself to take deep breaths. All of this had seemed so easy with Judith, so natural. So why was it different now?
"Let me take her." Maggie insisted. "Go to the spare room downstairs, get yourself some sleep. Ya'll are just frustrating each at this point."
Beth knew her sister was right but she didn't move from the rocker. She just focused on counting the baby's cries, praying with each breath that they would settle soon.
Maggie sighed and put her hand to her sister's back, pushing her forward. At first Beth thought Maggie was trying to force her up, make her leave the room, but she quickly caught on as her sister climbed into the seat behind her and wrapped her long arms around both Beth and the baby.
"It's okay sweetie." Maggie cooed, "I know you're tired. I know you miss him. I know this seems impossible. But I promise… I promise, Bethie, it'll all be okay. You can do this. Even if he's not here, we can do this."
Though Daryl clearly wanted to sprint after Ella, Beth held him back. She knew Ella was on her way home and could probably use some time to process whatever she was thinking (time that Beth knew she also needed). When they arrived back at the house, only minutes after Ella, Maggie was already dealing with the situation and Glenn was waiting for them on the front steps, his head in his hands. He guiltily explained that Ella had slipped away from the farm, where Beth and Daryl had dropped her off before their archery lesson. She had stolen the packed dinner Maggie had brought to work and set off to find Beth and Daryl in the clearing just half a mile away. Glenn and Maggie had each assumed the girl was safely playing on the farm, as she frequently did when Beth was working. By the time Glenn connected that Ella was gone, he and Maggie ran back to the house to find her in tears on the front steps.
Beth stood in her living room, trying to listen up the stairs as she heard Maggie and Ella's muffled voices coming from Ella's bedroom. Occasionally Ella's voice would raise but Maggie's always remained steady, calming. Glenn had gone back to work shortly after Beth and Daryl's return, but Beth couldn't say how long ago that had been. The wait for someone to descend the steps felt like an eternity.
Beth watched as Daryl leaned against the wall, his arms crossed as he stared at his feet, rubbing away at the scuffs on his boots as if he could buff them out with just his dirty soles. Beth once again had to remind herself that this was not just one of her recurring dreams. It was real. Daryl was back. Daryl was home. She had the complete family she had been dreaming of for five years but she had no idea how to make it whole.
Beth crossed her arms in front of her, covering her stomach nervously in an attempt to calm the lead that had started to form inside. As much as she cherished seeing Daryl with Ella, a small part of her, one she would never vocalize, just wanted him to leave. In the pressure of the moment, she wanted to revert to what she had known since those first few nights with her daughter, doing it on her own. Sure, Maggie and Glenn had always been a huge help. Even Rick, Michonne, and Carl had played a big role in Ella's childhood; but at the end of the day, decisions, and their consequences, had always been left to Beth. But now, looking over at Daryl, she knew she would have to start sharing those decisions, both the big and small. And that realization made her more nervous than reassured.
"Come 'ere." Daryl said suddenly, reaching his arm out as Beth finally noticed he was watching her. Beth knew her face must have revealed some of her doubts, but she hoped Daryl didn't know exactly what had been on her mind. She tried to ignore her guilt and allowed herself the small luxury of settling into Daryl's familiar side, inhaling his scent. He smelled like the woods. Somehow, even after he showered, that scent stuck with him.
"What now?" He asked with a groan, raising his free arm to rub his eyes. Beth hadn't realized how tired he looked. The bags under his eyes were dark and puffy, almost creating two black eyes. He looked more exhausted than she had ever seen him in the past, even when they were running from walkers on little sleep.
"Maggie'll talk to her. Then I can…" Beth felt Daryl tense at her answer, "or we can. Guess it all depends on what she's feeling."
"What is she feeling?" Daryl asked quietly after a moment of hesitation, embarrassment filling his voice. Beth knew, during his life, Daryl had excelled at a few things: hunting, tracking, and surviving. And he stuck to what he knew. Being a father to a little girl was definitely far outside of his comfort zone.
"I don't know…" Beth admitted. "She's five, I doubt she knows. All depends on what she heard I guess. If she knows who you are… Either way, it's time to tell her. Can't hurt anything more now."
Daryl nodded, and after a moment of contemplation, reached tenderly under Beth's chin and lifted her head so she was looking directly into his eyes, "Well, once the cat's outta the bag, guess we can finally spend more time together."
"You gonna take me on a real date Mr. Dixon? We got a restaurant in town. You can trade for a meal." Beth teased lightly, trying her best to see the light of the situation. She couldn't help but appreciate Daryl's effort to make her feel better; the situation had so often been reversed in the past.
Daryl forced a smile, though Beth's concern was still mirrored in his eyes, "Damn straight. Girl like you always deserved a real date..."
"Well, ain't this a sight?" Maggie mused, appearing at the bottom of the carpeted stairs.
Both Beth and Daryl's heads raised as Maggie took another step toward them, putting a hand on her hip. "Even if I knew you two were together, seein it is kinda like catching a glimpse of Bigfoot."
Beth didn't feed into her sister's teasing, even though she saw Daryl's neck redden slightly in embarrassment. "How is she? What was she sayin?" Beth asked, looking up the stairs to Ella's closed door.
Maggie sighed. "Something about you two kissing. She doesn't know who he is, if that's what you're worried about. I think she's more afraid of him taking the place of her father." Maggie turned to Daryl, "That girl has idolized you since the moment she knew you existed."
"Hmmm." Daryl responded, but Beth knew what he meant. He wanted to say she shouldn't, he wanted to say he wouldn't live up to Ella's expectations, but he wasn't about the admit those insecurities to Maggie, he wouldn't even vocalize them to Beth yet.
"I suspect she's also a little jealous." Maggie continued, "She's had both of your full attentions the last few days. What kid wouldn't be scared of sharing that? I know I was when our dad first remarried."
"So what do we do now?" Daryl asked, directing his question to no one in particular.
Maggie replied first, turning to Beth, "Go talk to her, mama. She's upset, I don't think adding someone else into the equation will help."
Beth felt Daryl take a deep breath and turned to him, "I'll talk to her. You wait here. Once she calms down I'm sure she'll want to see you." Though Beth tried to sound reassuring, she didn't even fully believe her words. She just hoped they were true.
Beth eased herself slowly into the light green bedroom, closing the door behind her. Ella's eyes were focused firmly on the Barbie in her hands, dressed in camouflage and its hair chopped messily into a short bob.
"Sweetie?" Beth prompted, knowing Ella was purposely attempting to ignore her.
"Ella, can we talk?" Beth asked again, taking a seat at the end of the twin bed.
"I guess…" Ella replied, still focusing on the doll.
"So… what are you thinking?"
Ella didn't respond. Rather she bit her lip and continued to turn the doll's head back and forth, admiring its uneven haircut.
Beth sighed, "El, if I tell you something, can you promise me you'll do your very best to listen?"
Ella nodded, the idea of hearing a secret peaking her interest.
"Know how mommy always said daddy passed away before you were born? That he didn't make it to the safe zone with us?"
"Cause the walkers hurt him… That's why we don't go outside the fence…" Ella repeated. She had asked her mother about the attack multiple times but never got more information than that.
Beth nodded. "Well that's what we thought… But we were wrong. I was wrong."
Ella looked up, her eyes narrowing in confusion.
"Sweetie, when I told you I knew Daryl, that uncle Rick and everyone knew Daryl, it's because he's your dad. We all thought he had died a long time ago…"
Ella's eyes immediately went back to her doll. For a moment, Beth considered repeating her confession, but Ella eventually responded, her voice quiet. "Why didn't he come faster? Didn't he miss me?"
Beth sighed, "It's complicated Ella."
"You always say that!" Ella began to yell, still looking away.
"The answer is I don't really know, Ella. He didn't know where we were. You were still in mommy's belly and he thought the walkers might have gotten all of us, and that made him very sad. He just kept moving around, just like I used to, trying to find somewhere safe. Then he found here, just like he was meant to. He was meant to be with us."
Ella's face began to soften. And she placed the doll down on her purple quilt.
"Do you love him?" She asked suddenly.
Beth sighed. She hadn't allowed herself to use that word yet. She kept waiting for Daryl's return to feel more sure, more permanent. Knowing she loved him was part of what had made the loss so painful the first time.
"Yes, sweetie, I do. I always have." Beth finally admitted, trying to hold back tears.
"But… you still love me more… right?" Ella asked, finally looking back up at Beth. "To the moon and back?"
"You can't measure love sweetie. I love you. I love your dad. I love Auntie Maggie and Uncle Glenn. But I can promise you, now you just have another person who loves you. And we'll all always be here for you. We'll always love you."
"But you still love me? To the moon and back?" Ella asked again.
Beth smiled, "Yes, always. Always to the moon and back."
A/N- Hey everyone, thanks for reading! Please let me know what you thought!
