Title: Therapy
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Will (and his family) and Noah have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Olivia talks to her therapist about her husband's reaction to her pregnancy test results and the implications it has for their relationship. A O/S of the therapist office scene in Wednesday's child.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. My stories are not EO and never will be. You may want to read some of my other ones for context on the characters in this AU first - though, it's likely fairly self-explanatory on its own too.
"So how are your homework assignments going?" Lindstrom asked her.
Olivia looked at him at that and let out a small sigh, though she'd known that eventually he would be inquiring about any progress since their last appointment when she'd had Will in tow.
She tried to tuck some of her hair behind her ear – just another way to delay answering.
"Well, we booked our day at the Lego Discovery Centre," she said. "We're going to do that this weekend."
Lindstrom allowed her a small smile at that. "Have you told Noah?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I wanted him to have some time to mentally prepare for it … since we haven't really gone out much since …" she let herself trail off. She was never sure how to phrase it. When it came to herself she had often just started phrasing it as 'since Lewis' but she hated conceptualizing it that way when it came to her son. But she often didn't know how else to put it. Even that, though, 'since Lewis' didn't seem quite right for his young life but not that anything else did either.
"Is he excited?" her therapist asked.
Olivia shrugged at that. "I don't think that's the right word. I think he's … looking forward to certain aspects of it. It's Lego," she said and gave him a small smile. Her son and Lego. She'd thought he might outgrow Lego but it hadn't happened yet. She supposed he was still a little boy and that it looked like some little boys never quite outgrew it even long after they were no longer little boys. Noah might become one of them. Not that there was anything wrong with that. At least it was creative and imaginative play. It's just that she'd seen him retreat more and more into his Legos and drawing and little clay creations he made since … Lewis.
"What isn't he looking forward to?" Lindstrom pressed gently.
Olivia sighed and shook her head. "I guess being in public and around people. He's picked up on the tension between Will and I so he's … not entirely convinced that Will is actually going to come. And, he hasn't said it, but I get the impression that he's afraid that Will will be … distant while we're there. And then just other things … he's asked lots of questions about if it will be dark and what the rides will be like and if we have to do certain things."
"That sounds like it could be a stressful outing," he said. "For all of you …"
She made another small sound. "It might be," she said. "I hope not. I just … I'd like it to be …" she shook her head. She wasn't even sure what she wanted to be. "I guess … nice for everyone. I don't want it to be stressful."
"It's a pretty big first outing to be going on," Lindstrom suggested.
She nodded. "Yeah …" she agreed. "I likely would've preferred we just … went for a walk … to the park … or something. But … Will's choice."
"Will's choice," he agreed. "What about the other side of the assignment? Have you talked about … his beard?"
Olivia let out a small laugh at that. Though, it really wasn't funny. It just couldn't really be called a beard. Will couldn't grow a beard. He could just grow scruff. She looked down, though, a little embarrassed her laughed. Because it wasn't funny. Not that half of the assignment anyways.
"No," she allowed. "I've tried to broach it a couple times but he hasn't … wanted to engage in a conversation about it." She met his eyes. "He did shave, though."
Lindstrom gave her a small nod. "It is important that he participate in that part of the homework assignment, Olivia," he stressed. "That he understands it's what you picked to work on. You are working on his request. He should be respectful of yours as well."
She nodded. "I was going to … try talking to him again this weekend. After the Discovery Center. We did his, now lets do mine."
He gave her a small smile. "Don't let him tell you that shaving it off was enough," he teased gently. But she knew it wasn't a tease. He was very serious.
She looked down again but nodded. "He's trying," she said quietly. "Since that sessions … this week … we've been talking a bit more. He's been getting home by dinner. We've hugged." She let out a snort and shook her head. "It'd been a long time since we'd actually hugged," she provided even more quietly.
"Sometimes just getting that touch can be very healing," Lindstrom provided her.
She let her head bob again almost involuntarily. "It was. … It is. I'd … known I'd been missing it. But … having him hold me again … I really needed it." She looked at her therapist. "I think he did too. I could … feel it … in his body. How he relaxed after we'd embraced for bit … and he's initiated some of the hugs since then."
He gave her a small smile at that. "That's progress," he said. "A step in the right direction."
She allowed a little nod again. "Yeah…"
"What have you been talking about this week?" he asked.
Olivia sighed and shrugged. "I don't even know. Talking about talking," she said flatly. "It's … like … we're just … learning how to even talk again."
Lindstrom nodded. "And how is that going?"
She felt her shoulders shrug again. "Right now … like it's taking a lot of effort. It's a little … forced. But … I'm just glad … we're talking … at this point. It's … better than where we were a couple weeks ago."
"Have you talked anymore about if you're going to want to proceed with a referral?" he asked.
Olivia nodded. "He still seems open to that. Maybe more open than he did before."
"But he still has reservations," Lindstrom stated.
"Will's always going to have some reservations about it."
"Why do you think that is?" he asked.
She sighed. "Because it's hard. Because it feels so … public."
"It's not," he said.
"But it isn't just between us anymore," she said.
He nodded to that. "But it sounds like just the two of you wasn't working right now. You needed some help."
She nodded and let out a quiet, "Yeah."
"Do you want to do one more joint-session here? Let Will express some more of his concerns about moving forward and discuss together if it's a new couples' therapist or a sex therapist that you both feel you'd benefit from?"
"He'd likely agree to that," she allowed.
Lindstrom gave a small nod. "You feel the previous joint-session was beneficial then?" She gave a nod. "And he seems to as well?"
"Yeah," she agreed. "We talked about that a bit. I think … that we're even talking shows that it at least helped some."
"Is there anything from that session that you want to follow-up on today?" he asked.
She sighed and looked at him but he was gazing so intently back at her. "Will doesn't really like the idea that we'd be sitting here and deconstructing it."
"That's not what I asked," he put back to her.
She looked down and rubbed at her eyebrow and let out a slow breath. "I've been thinking a lot about how he said we've been operating in crisis mode. That we don't know how to exist together if it's not managing a crisis."
"And you agree with that statement?"
She sighed harder and looked back at him. "He has a point. Our whole relationship evolved out of a crisis." She saw him giving her a questioning look. "Noah getting sick," she provided.
Lindstrom nodded. "OK," he allowed. "I think you had said something previously that had left me with the impression that you and Will had been together for some time? Seven? Eight years? I hadn't realized your son had been ill that long."
She let out a small exasperated noise and looked down again slightly embarrassed and again reached for her hair. "I guess it depends on where you measure it from," she said flatly.
"Where you measure it from?" Lindstrom put back to her.
She looked up and rolled her eyes a bit and then fixed them on the ceiling. "Will … he basically likes to measure it … from the moment he set eyes on me," she said sarcastically but saw it had earned a small smile. "And, I guess I've adopted that because when he adopted Noah we pretty much had to pick a date for how long we'd been together. His date looked better on paper."
Lindstrom allowed another smile at that and a little nod. "OK. And when do you measure it from? What's your date?"
She didn't really want to say when her date was. Sometimes she wasn't sure. Their failed attempt at sex. Their actual first night together. Their first date. When he'd near moved into her apartment to help care for Noah. Whatever it was, it was definitely, "After Noah was sick," she said.
Lindstrom examined her. "And why do you think Will measures from you meeting each other and you measure from after your son was ill?"
Olivia snorted. "I don't know. I guess we had different markers for what constituted a relationship."
He again allowed a small smile. "OK. Let's talk about that for a moment. You've both expressed that you'd like to reclaim some of the things you did together 'before'. But let's talk about the 'before' Noah was sick. 'Before' you were in a 'crisis'. What sorts of things did you do together?"
She let out a noise again. She thought about saying 'I don't know'. It felt like an eternity ago. But she also knew he wouldn't accept that answer.
"Nothing special," she allowed instead. "Just … daily life … stuff."
"So tell me about some of it," he pressed. "What did you take pleasure in?"
She sighed and rubbed at her eyebrow again. "I guess … little things. If I had Saturday off, we … had this coffee shop we'd go to. Coffee. Muffins. I'd do the crossword. He'd pour over the sports stats. We'd go for a walk. Take Noah to the park or playground. He would train at the pool on Sundays in the late afternoon. So we'd go over and swim while he did his laps. And, he near insisted on watching the Knicks on my couch. If there was a game – he was there. With beer. No talking. Just yelling at the television."
He gave her that thin smile of his again. "Do you enjoy watching sports?"
She snorted at that. "Ah … I've settled into watching sports," she said with a smile. "When I met Will I would've followed them just enough to keep up with conversation at work. Or work conversation would've rubbed off on me. But … Will … took it to another level. He decided we had the Knicks in common. So we have the Knicks in common." She shook her head. "And now the Yankees. And occasionally the Rangers, if they're having a decent season."
"No football?" Lindstrom teased.
She allowed a small laugh at that. "I actually did watch some football before Will. But Will – he has no interest. The whole of the McTeague clan – no real interest. It's kind of funny since his dad and one brother are built like tanks. They would've been good at football."
"It sounds like even at that point – before Noah was sick – you had a relationship," he said.
"A friendship," she corrected.
He shrugged. "That's still a relationship – and it's a relationship that existed outside of a crisis."
"So maybe we knew how to be friends before but a couple now?" she shook her head.
"All couples have to manage crises, Olivia. Some may be larger or smaller than others – but they'll be there. A lot of us go from managing one situation to managing another."
"Not like this," she said quietly.
"No," he allowed. "Not everyone has to deal with a child having cancer or an experience like your family and you have gone through with your abduction and the assaults."
He allowed her a pause for a moment but then found her eyes again even though she'd been looking off into the corner. Thinking about their 'before' had made her remember certain happinesses but that had also made her a little sad.
"Why don't you tell me a bit about some of the things you found pleasure in while Noah was sick? In that crisis how did you manage? What did you do together to cope?"
She shrugged. "We played it by ear. We did what Noah could manage. We tried to keep up certain and activities and routines so he could have some level of normalcy."
"What sorts of activities and routines?"
She sighed and reflected. "Well, we'd moved at that point. Or not too far into his treatment. So we were living together as a family. I guess that helped with giving him stability and managing our schedules."
"But what did you do together?" he pressed.
She let out a slow breath and shrugged again. "I guess we'd evolved into Saturday brunch rather than coffee. Saturday usually involved the comic book store too. Walks. The park. We had a membership at the museum. We did spend a lot of time around the house too. Movies. Lego. Crafts. Sleeping."
"Your before the crisis of Noah being ill doesn't sound too different," he held up his hand before she could react, "solely in terms of the activities and routines you attempted to participate in as a family, from when he fell ill."
She sighed and looked at the ceiling again. She saw where he was going. "This is different."
"It is," he agreed. "But when you had that crisis, you and Will made a commitment to each other to work together to figure out how to establish a structure and routine for your family to function in, wouldn't you say? Something to ensure that Noah still had some pleasures in life? Some things for you all to look forward to?"
She sighed but allowed a nod. "But this isn't the same as then."
"It's not," he agreed again. "But you and Will still have the right to find pleasures and to have things to look forward to. You're still allowed to make the commitment to your son to ensure he does too. You've done that before. So this time, is it that you don't know how to operate in a crisis? Or is it that you're afraid to make that commitment to each other – to start letting yourselves – move beyond the crisis and to start managing it in a way that allows you to reclaim the parts of your lives that you've been missing?"
