A/N: Legend? Oh, you flatter me.

Well, since we're on the subject of Lita's ex-boyfriends, let's take a nice little shot at Kane.

The "Big Red Machine?" I don't think Kane is very big, nor do I think he's a machine. In fact, I think there is a part of him that could be called the "Small Red Toothpick." I hope I do not need to elaborate for you idiots. If you can't figure that one out, then I think you need to go to school in Canada. It's red because of all of the STD's. I know what you're going to say: Edge, you jerk. You stole that line from the hero of the people, King John Cena. Yeah, I stole that bit, but I don't give him credit for it. If you want to be technical, I stole the line from a youtube video, not John Cena. It is impossible to steal spoken words, fuckbags.

Did you know that Kane is a certified substitute teacher? Yeah, imagine that class. I'm thinking of it now: Good morning, class. Today I will be teaching you all how to properly burn half of your faces off.

What was with that May 19th bullshit? Who cares if a little tiny fire occurred that day? We don't all freak out on the anniversary of the Chicago fire. Well, you losers in Chicago might, but in Canada we sure don't. The best thing about that was that I never got involved. His main target was the Spirit Squad, and I think we all enjoyed watching the Spirit Squad get their gay asses kicked, jerk offs and all. Here's another Superstar with a multiple personality disorder. Do I need to call the insane asylum again? The Miz can have a friend! But, unfortunately, that would be the only friend Miz would ever have.

Kane's head looks like a potato.

I don't think Kane has changed his pants in like five years. Hell, I don't think he's even washed them in that amount of time.

I still can't believe he beat me on "The Weakest Link." I can't believe I was voted off first. They all knew that I was the smartest of them all.

I wish Kane still wore that mask. Then I wouldn't have to see his ugly face. If he wore the mask again, he could bring back the Hurricane and they could form a stable with Rey Mysterio called "Hidden Homosexuality," "H-Squared" for short. But then Triple H would be jealous because they stole his favorite letter of the alphabet, and then he could join so he doesn't feel left out.

I will say, however, that the only good thing about him is his entrance theme. Too bad, though, because the theme is supposed to say something about the wrestler. You never fail to disappoint, Kane.

A/N: I think I should send these to Edge.