Anyone who is on ECW garners no respect from the Edgemeister. Since I like to compare ECW to a retard circus, this man is the dumbass who sticks himself into a cannon in hopes to impress people by doing something stupid. I am talking about CM Punk. In fact, CM Punk is so retarded that he should wear a helmet full time in order not to worsen his condition. I think he has ink poisoning, or at least his tattoos have rubbed off on him, giving him a disease from having too many bad tattoos.
Straightedge? What the hell? How dare my name be associated with such abnormality. Who does that? That fucker obviously took high school health class way too seriously. I don't think I've been "straightedge" since I was thirteen. No wonder CM Punk can't get any girls. Since he doesn't go to the bar, he can't meet any extremely drunk chicks, and those are the only ones he can get with because they're too drunk to see how ugly that guy is. When JR refers to someone as being "grizzly," he's saying that they resemble CM Punk.
He really does look like one of those cavemen from those damn car insurance commercials. He has the hair, beard, and ugly face. Maria, what were you thinking? For you idiots who don't know, Maria dated CM Punk for a while. That's disgusting. I mean, we all knew that Maria was an idiot, but is she really that stupid? Apparently.
I remember when CM Punk got the cover of the 2007 Fall Preview of WWE Magazine. Could they have picked a worse cover model? He looks like a Superman wannabe, so he's basically imitating John Cena. That's ridiculous. I should have been on the cover. Even worse, I am not the first Superstar listed in the SmackDown section. Ree-dick-you-lous. All of the people who are listed ahead of me, I have already bashed, minus Undertaker. They are: Batista, Rey Mysterio, Khali, and MVP. How the fuck do they, along with the Undertaker, surpass me in a magazine with CM Punk's ugly mug on the cover? Ew.
To make that issue worse, they made a CM Punk cartoon thing. Was he supposed to be like James Bond or something? Sickening. Revolting. Odious. Not even the most degrading term could ever describe such nonsense. I hate it. I would make a much better hero than CM Punk ever could. The only problem is that I have no interest in being a hero for the people. I'd rather just play it my way and have some fun, no matter how many people get pissed off.
Let's take a look at what WWE Magazine has rated CM Punk as and compare them to myself.
Strategy - Edge: 9; CM Punk: 4
Damn straight. There is simply no comparison there.
Mat Skills – Edge: 8; CM Punk: 8
What the hell? Just because I don't parade around doing Brazilian shit…Let's have a match and then we'll see who has the better mat skills.
Strength – Edge: 6; CM Punk: 6
What? What does that kid bench, like ten pounds? Ridiculous. You can't even see his abs! He has no definition! I have the best hip dents in the world. That's definition.
Speed – Edge: 7; CM Punk: 7
Again, I beg to differ. A spear is much faster than a GTS.
Agility – Edge: 8; CM Punk: 8
What the hell? See above argument.
Charisma - Edge: 9; Charisma: 6
Hell the fuck yes. Of course I would have more charisma than that shitbag. I should have been a ten. I should be a ten in all categories.
Sportsmanship - Edge: 1; CM Punk: 7
This is the exception to the being ten in all categories rule. I don't want to be rated high in here. I'd rather be rated as a zero. I don't like anyone here.
Aerials – Edge: 7; CM Punk: 7
Again, what the hell? I barely ever go to the top rope (because I don't have to), but my skills are definitely better than CM Punk's.
In fact, CM Punk has no skills.
A/N: I am very upset at RAW this week.
