A/N: I am not a big fan of Beth Phoenix, but I don't hate her. She's way better than most of the other girls. And heaven forbid, she can wrestle!
Wow. Honestly, the first time I ever saw Beth Phoenix, I wondered who the new guy was. Sometimes backstage, I accidentally call her "Burt." Embarrassing? No, not for me. For her, it should be. I find it hilarious when I mistake her for a man. I think that she should be called "Manazon" instead of "Glamazon."
Glamazon? That sounds like a unicorn on cocaine. Seriously. You know it's true. Great, now I sound like Kurt Angle. Anyways, the Glamazon is a rabid beast, but Glamazons are not found in Canada, thank god.
Doesn't she say that she's the perfect combination of beauty and strength? Um, no. Strength? Maybe. I mean, she pretty much is stronger than half of the guys in back. That's scary. NO man wants a beast like that. I'd be afraid that Beth has a penis. I'm serious. We all know that her jaw takes HGH. I've even seen some smart Canadians in the crowd holding signs that said that. It made me smile to know that others see things the way I do. The bottom line is that Beth Phoenix is a dude. Beauty? HELL NO! With that jaw, her name should be Seabiscuit instead of the Glamazon. I think I'd rather bang the horse.
Anyone else notice that she has mounds of fat rolls under her armpits? They just roll over her ring attire. What is that she wears, anyways? I think it's some horrible excuse for a corset. Beth Phoenix is worse than Chyna.
I love it when the Divas botch their entrances. I nearly urinated myself when Melina fell off of the apron at Survivor Series. I cannot wait for the day that Beth Phoenix smacks his head on the turnbuckle when he does that backwards flip thing. Oops, I was just using the masculine tense when describing that. Oh well. You know you can't blame me. Hell, even you fuckbags have probably mistaken her for a man. Even I couldn't make fun of you for that.
Remember when she got her jaw busted open in like her first match? That was great! Wasn't she "good" back then? What happened in her absence? Did she run into some super growth hormones or radioactive waste? Probably. I don't remember her being that manly back then. Then again, she wasn't that rambunctious so I probably didn't even notice her.
Just like I don't think that Rey Mysterio should be allowed to compete for the World Heavyweight Championship, I don't think that Beth Phoenix should be allowed to compete for the Women's Championship. It's insulting to know that Beth is holding the title that Lita helped revolutionize. Lita was never holding that much testosterone in her body like Beth does. It's gross. It's revolting. That should be illegal.
Beth is the kind of dude that makes me want to shank them with a tranquilizer gun. Actually, it would be like Big Show getting shot with the tranquilizer all over again. Can you imagine that? I would even dress the part. I would wear all black and even have one of those sweet ski masks. It would be my greatest accomplishment. Yes, that would be greater than spearing Cena's bloody ass twice to win the WWE Championship.
I can imagine it now. I would have one of those cameras that I could hook up to film my face all Blair Witch-like. Oh, man, I would even provide commentary. It would go something like this:
Oh, here it is, kiddos. Here is the elusive Glamazon, stalking her prey in the ring. This tranquilizer gun is her only weakness. If I shoot her, she will fall and I will be triumphant. Look at that ugly face. Can you just imagine how brilliant her head would look above my mantel with the rest of my finds?
Oh, yeah. It would so be like Crocodile Hunter. I would call it "Edge: The Great One."
Yep, I am insinuating that I am greater than the Rock. You all know it.
Hey, does Beth Phoenix happen to be Jay Leno's sister? They do have the same chin.
A/N: I've been getting a lot of requests for this one, so here you go.
Review. I like to have an average of ten a chapter.
