Chapter 4
It's 7 o'clock and I'm running around trying to get Aden ready for day-care. I woke up late this morning after a rough night of sleep. I had a night terror again and was only happy to know Sir hadn't come home last night to witness it.
It wasn't unusual for me to have nightmares; in fact it is a common occurrence. I can wake up 2-3 times a night in a cold sweat trying to forget the images flashing through my mind. In most cases I wake myself up, my body jolting as a reaction. My dreams seeming to replay my most fearful moments, re-experiencing the pain and raw emotions I had tried so hard to push away; Fear, stress, anxiety and panic building up needing an escape. It's almost like I'm not allowed to forget. Maybe its punishment, maybe god is mad at me for being so worthless, I don't know... I must have done something wrong; maybe that's why my mum didn't want me. She must have really hated me to leave me with such an awful man. Maybe she thought I was as awful as him, born with the burden of my father's sins.
I internally sighed brushing the hair out of my face as I put my socks on. I could feel my mood dampen as thoughts of my mother came to mind, a heavy feeling making its way into my stomach, all the unanswered questions leaving me disheartened and confused. I shook my head, dispelling myself doubt for now as I continued in ponder.
Nightmares are scary but they are nothing compared to night terrors. Night terrors like the name states are terrifying. I have never been able to remember what I was dreaming about to cause such panic, all I remember is everything spinning and a lot of red flashing, but I can never make the pictures out in my head. I always get a nasty gut feeling whilst sleeping and when I wake up I just can't calm down.
I have woken up screaming before, thrashing about; my heart beating so fast it rings in my ears. My breathing comes out in laboured breaths and I'm just not coherent to the world around me. I don't even think I could explain to someone what it's like. On a few occasions I have woken up in strange places. Once when I was young I remember waking up in the middle of the bush with no recollection of getting there. I was so scared, it was still dark out and I remember just running and running. That was the day I met the man who gave me my guitar.
I didn't wake up in a strange place last night but woke up to Aden's crying. I must have fallen back to sleep and once my body had calmed down it let the outside world back in. When I woke up my bed sheets were in tangle, pillows thrown across the room and the books on my box night stand knocked over. Aden must have been frightened. That thought alone cut deep. He was scared of me; I scared him just like that man scares me. I never ever wanted to be like that man but I guess you can't escape genetics.
He was crying my name as I got up pulling him into my arms whispering words of comfort. He soon fell asleep clinging onto me for dear life. I don't know how he manages to have such a strong grip in his sleep but he does, so I slept the remainder of the night with him in my bed. He seemed happier this morning after waking me up with bright smiles and cute laughter, apparently poking my face and making funny noises is amusing, I couldn't help but smile back at him.
Now that I think about it...where is Aden. I'm sure I set him down in front of the T.V only a few minutes ago. I stand up and scan the room. Where is that child hiding? Walking around, I check behind the couch, under the table, in the kitchen, in the kitchen cabinets and in small laundry, I can't find him. I feel a swell of panic rise in me.
"Aden...Adennn...ADEN" I yell as I franticly search the remainder of the house for him. I hear a sudden bang and I run towards the noise. I stop outsides Sirs door which is slightly ajar. I go to grab the handle but freeze mid-step, my hand a hairs length away from the handle but I can't grasp it as if it's repelling me. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
"Don't you EVER, EVER go into my room again, you hear me. DON'T EVEN think about it or I will punish you 10 times the amount I punished you today, understand!" Sirs voice echoed through my mind his words still fresh after so long, filled with so much venom and hissed with so much anger I could still feel it rolling of him.
I dropped to my knees suddenly feeling weak. My breaths started coming out uneven as I felt the panic set in. I can't go in, I can't. I squeezed my eyes closed. I will be punished, I'm not aloud. Sir will get mad. He will hurt me. I started shaking, the images of what past disobedience cost me burning in my mind, wincing as I relived the pain. I could feel the tears stinging at my eyes, my hands fisted on the floor as I started heaving. Heat...flashing...Searing pain...blood...bruising...tears...glass...red... red...Slicing. The last word echoed through my mind making me gasp, I brought a shaky hand back between my shoulder blades. My fingertips ran along the long jagged scar down my back, the raised skin slightly cooler than the rest making me shudder.
I felt sick, sick to the stomach. I could feel the vile coming up my throat as I reached for a rubbish bag filled with bottles, accidently knocking some out in my haste. I threw up the contents of my stomach a few times leaving me panting for air. I took some deep calm breaths ,regulating my breathing before the awful smell from the bag reminded me making me drive heave a few times. I tied the bag up quickly pushing it away, the contents making watery sounds causing me too gag a little. I wiped my mouth before taking calming breaths again.
I slowly turned my eyes up at the daunting door before me. The handle looked down at me with intimidation. I could hear shuffling inside bringing me back to Aden. I heard a sniffle making my emotions flicker. I swang the door forward and hastily made my way into the room. Aden was sitting on the floor outside of a closet his back facing me. There were box's fallen over ; pictures and papers scatted everywhere.
"Aden" I said with concern.
He jumped, startled a bit his head turning in my direction. His face and body held fear and confusion it looked so wrong on his young features. As soon as he sore it was me he started crying.
"Kowda" he sobbed stretching his hands out for me.
I picked him up and brought him to my chest my hand stroking his head as I bopped him up and down totally forgetting about my previous emotion coaster. He slowly relaxed in my arms as I continued stroking his hair.
"sowy sowy" He mumbled through sobs .
"It's ok, It was an accident, your fine, I'll look after you" I whispered words of reassurance in his ear trying to sooth his tears.
I felt anger build up inside me at the fact he was scared of getting in trouble over something so minor and insignificant. Yet shame because I couldn't change anything. His cries slowly quietened down into sniffles and hiccups.
"Are you okay baby" I asked him quietly patting his back reassuringly.
He looked up at me with puffy eyes sniffling.
"Yes" he said with a hiccup making me smile down at him.
"You got the hiccups huh little boy" I said in a happy tone trying to lighten the mood with a distraction.
He hiccuped again then looked shocked for a second finally realizing what he was doing. He hiccuped making his body jump a bit before smiling obviously entertained by the action. He continued this a bit longer before breaking out in cute giggles his little dimples showing on his tear stained cheeks. Smiling down at him, happy he is feeling better I brought my attention back to where we were.
I'm standing in Sir's room with his stuff scattered all around the floor I thought to myself as I gulped. I could feel the fear trying to make its way through my veins as I stood there in shock. What do I do? I've never seen inside Sir's room before. I took this moment to take in my surroundings. Aden stayed in my arms his untainted laughter filling the air around us totally unaware of the situation.
The morning light shone in through the window next to the bed casting the walls in light shadows. The morning breeze blew the curtains open ruffling some of the paper on the floor. The fresh air a relief from the stale smell the room was giving of. He has a queen size bed up against the wall bellow the window. The black sheets were in a heap on the end of his bed, his pillows sprawled at the top. His things looked relatively new and were a lot cleaner then I imagined. The only real mess was the pile of clothes next to the door and the now scattered belongings on the floor. I don't understand why his room is so clean considering the rest of the house and how he treats it. There were a few empty shot glasses on his bedside table next to an empty vodka bottle and some cigarette buds. His room is relatively plain I thought to myself.
I placed Aden down on the bed as he entertained himself with his still going hiccups. I better clean this up. I got on my hands and knees and lifted the fallen boxes back up. There were 3 and the first 2 had fallen down. The bottom box had something pink poking out of it. Out of curiosity I lifted the lid only to wish I hadn't as many pairs of panties stared back at me. Oh god I shudder that's why the room is clean. I put the lid back on as fast as I took it off before grabbing the second box and piling the paper in trying to un see what I just sore.
I pilled the rest of the papers in trying to keep my curiosity to myself as something caught my eye. I lifted it of the ground trying to un-crease the lines making it readable. It was an old photo copy of a deed to a house, I scanned down the page noting Sir's signature at the bottom. Looking at the date it was a good 10 years before I was born at some place called La push. Maybe that's were he is from making him Quileute, I new he was native but never new to what tribe. That means I'm part Quileute. I couldn't help but get a big smile on my face at this new revelation. I found comfort in knowing were some of my roots lay like when you find a piece of a puzzle you lost, the happy feeling you get knowing that little bit more about the bigger picture.
I finished packing the second box my mood a lot more carefree still happy revealing in my latest find. The last box was a bit smaller and held many pictures, mostly Polaroids. I couldn't help but look at each one hoping they would reveal something new. Most were old photos filled with young adult faces of people I had never met before probably from the same reservation. Some bent and faded making it hard to see.
There was one picture with Sir and another man who wasn't Native American it had our old Australian house in the background, but there was something about the other man which just made me shiver. I put the picture in the box with the others trying to rid myself of the eerie feeling.
Stretching under the bed I scooped up the last few I could find. Flipping them over I noticed something considerably different to the rest. They were new, like a few years old or less kind of new. The first on was a shot of a teenage boy with long black hair walking down the street oblivious to the camera pointed in his direction. He was looking off into the distance with his school bag slung on his shoulder he had such a loving look on his face it made me wonder what he was looking at. The next picture dated about the same time I'm guessing, was a shot of a younger boy , maybe a freshman walking out of school he had a smile on his face as he saluted to his friends over his shoulder whilst getting into a white car. He had the same Quileute features as the older boy russet skin, black hair I couldn't quite see either of their eye colours seeing as they were shot from a distance. The first boy was more masculine were as this boy was lankier. I frowned, why does Sir have pictures of these young boys? Shaking my head I continued looking.
The next picture looked newer then the last and was of the first boy again or should I say man. I had to double take he looked so different now but you could tell it was him. He gave of a leading vibe, holding his head high and shoulders back, yet he held sadness in his eyes like he lost something precious to him. He was standing shirtless in the rain with short hair staring towards the camera, looking but not seeing. His lips were pulled into a hard line as he stood there his burrows frowned. If I didn't know any better I would say he was angry but there was something about his eyes that gave away his sorrow. His eyes looked somewhat familiar but I couldn't quite pick it. They were dark brown with specks of black through them. I put that picture next to his other one on the floor as I reached for the second last one.
This one was of the lanky boy again but...well like the last he wasn't lanky anymore. You could see the muscles through his shirt now, he looked a lot taller and sported the same new hair cut as the older boy. He was standing with another muscled boy who had his back to the camera, who from behind looked slightly older. The once lanky boy looked annoyed, the feature for some reason felt strange to see on his face. He was standing next to a black truck, some cliffs off in the distance. His eyes like the older boys in the photos before looked sad but it was a different kind of sad it was like he was holding something deep inside him that he wanted to let out. He reminded me of Aden for some reason just the way his face looks with that expression. His eyes looked strangely similar to the first boys but his were more chocolate brown with flicks of black through them not dark brown. Now that I compare them they have a few similarities, maybe they are brothers.
I sighed, what the hell Sir is doing taking pictures of a couple of brothers, brothers who look like they are on steroids in fact. There was something really strange about this and not just the fact a grown man is taking pictures of young unsuspecting boys. I get the feeling I'm missing something and its right in front of me I just can't grasp it. Like the last, I put down the non-lanky boys picture next to his other one before grabbing the last one.
This picture looks the most recent. It's in really good condition. It's an old styled Polaroid with 6 people in it. The Background is sunny, giving everything a healthy glow and there is a little old house in the background with a cute stone path through the garden to the front door. It looks really homey like a place you would dream about or a nice place where you could sit in front of the fire with a hot chocolate without a care in the world. A flicker of envy goes through me but it quickly passes as I observe the rest of the photograph.
They look really happy with big goofy grins on their faces, pushing each other around playfully with bunny ears and looser signs. One of the older boys has a younger one in a headlock on the ground laughing at his attempts to escape. My eyes are drawn to the older male on the floor for a second longer but I quickly move on forgetting my curiosity. They all seem genuinely happy and I feel like I'm somewhat intruding in their memory. Two of the guys in the photo stand out to me as I look closer. The older one standing on the edge with his arm around the younger's shoulder ...they are the boys from the photos. Standing next to each other I can pick the subtle similarities.
I would think it was a perfect photo but for some reason Sir has gone and written names on some of the boys with a fine liner pen. 'Black' is written on the young boy in a headlock. 'Reid' is written on the older male holding him and the two guys on the edge have one name written across both their chests.
'Uley'...
Like Joshua Uley.
My mind stares blankly at the image in front of me, unmoving my whole body slowly churns to a slow halt. So many emotions serge through my body all at once I'm left with just a numb buzzing like white noise in the background.
I don't understand.
The words echo through my mind bouncing of the now blank walls leaving me with a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel the familiar sting in my eyes as the erg to blink makes its way to the surface. I hold off for along as I can knowing as soon as I let the simplest motion slip through everything will come crashing down. So I sit here still staring, still unmoving, willing my natural instincts away, wishing, and hoping naively that I could win this inner battle. But like always natural instincts win and my eyelids close quickly soothing the dry burn. My thoughts go from nothing to frantic in a split second. My body's starts shaking and my head begins to ache. I keep my eyes closed, clenching them tightly. I grip the photo in my hand as I slowly pry my eyes open, staring at the now crinkled photograph.
I don't understand.
'Your disgusting, you dirty little slut!'
'If you were a boy I wouldn't have to punish you'
'If you were a boy!'
'If only YOU were a fucking BOY!'
'Dirty Defiled Whore like your Bitch of a Mother!'
'Accident'
'MISTAKE'
'Ugly '
'Stupid '
'Weak'
'A shame to MY last name'
His harsh words looped through my head, each word ripping open healing wounds, the pain just as real as when first spoken. I couldn't help but let out a strangled cry an attempt at keeping a sob at bay. If he already had son's why he is so angry.
I...It just doesn't make sense.
Did they do something wrong to, is that why? But he has 3 sons already yet he still condemns me for not being one. How can we all be bad? But he has gone out of his way to take photos of these two boys, does that mean he cares? He must care to some extent he doesn't have any photo's of me and Aden. These boys must mean something to him in some way otherwise he wouldn't have practically stalked them. Does he still see them? I'm guessing not considering the fact they don't know about the photo's, or do they? I mean this last photo has them all looking at the camera, which means they all know him or maybe...maybe he stole the photo. Yeah he must have stolen it I mean why else would he hide from them in the others.
So they are my older brothers? Or are we the same age? I'm guessing older but not buy too much. If we are close to age does that mean he abandoned them? I mean we were in Australia my whole child hood so, wouldn't that mean he was only around for a few years with them or...maybe that's were he would disappear to. He has gone for a few weeks with no explanation before leaving just some money to survive. It's not an unusual act, but why would he go see them after abandoning them. It just doesn't make sense. Was he a good father to them?
Did he love them?
Why would he go spy on them if they were failures like me? Does that mean they aren't failures, but then why would he have abandoned them? Unless he has another reason for stalking them down, but what other reasons are there. He has never mentioned anything about them ever; does that mean he never wanted me to know? Maybe he thinks ill taint them or something. What are they like?
Do they even no I exist?
Most likely not, but if they did...would they like me? I wonder if they are like him, if so...Will they hate me as well? I wonder what their life is like. Do they have families? If they do, does that mean I have family? Aden has family. I wonder if we have any of the same habits or if they have the same birthmark as me. If they found out I existed could I maybe...be...
I quickly shake my head, false hope is the worst hope and I don't want to go down that road.
All I know now is I'm part Quileute.
I have 2 older brothers who know nothing about my existence.
I know now where my father has been spending some of his absences.
And I also know that in reality this changes nothing. My life stays exactly the same. I'm still stuck in this hell with my father; I still have to look after Aden all by myself. I still have no idea who my mother is and now I have a thousand more unanswered questions.
The rumbling of a car in the drive brings me back to reality. I turn my head to the direction of the noise, Oh shit. Without a second glance I throw the pictures back into the box franticly except one I slide into my back pocket before putting the box back in place. I hear the ignition turn of and the car door slam. Shit, shit, shit I rant to myself. I scan the room everything is the same. I hear the keys jingling in the front door and for the first time am happy about how crappy the lock is. My hearts beating like mad for what seems like the millionth time this morning. I grab Aden and put my finger to my lips to hush him. He does what he is told and I run out of Sir's room shutting his door quietly. "Fuck" He grumbles to himself banging the door a bit.
I swing my bag over my shoulder and Aden's, they slip down a bit but I push them back up fast in my haste. I grab my cons and bee line it to the back door without looking back. I curse to myself as I drop my shoe trying to open the door. I quickly get outside just in time grabbing my shoe and closing the door as I see the front door open. I jump to my side my back against the wall as I hear his thudding footsteps go down the front hall. I hear the rattling keys hit the table with a clunk and Sir's grunt as his body hits the couch. Shit, I left the T.V on.
Aden lets out a small noise making me slap my hand on his mouth and freeze. I listen for a response but get nothing but the T.V's buzz. Sighing I look up at Aden, confusion evident in his features.
"Bad man" I whisper to him slowly taking my hand of his mouth.
"Daddy" He whispers back. I look at him with a sad smile.
"yeah Daddy"
I can't really tell him not to call him daddy; he technically is and is too young to understand why I don't call him such. He already gets confused when I try and explain I'm not his mum I'm his sister. Sometimes he breaks out crying, fighting me saying I'm mum not Koda or sis. In those moments I feel so lost and wish I could ask someone for advice but I have no one to ask. How do you explain to a 2 year old he has no mum ...you just can't he won't understand so I have to leave him confused. That's not something I'm proud of at all.
I went to take a step but was met with sharp stab to the foot. I hissed quietly to trying to hold back the painful cry and curses. I held on to Aden tight not wanting to drop him as I felt the stabbing pain shoot up my foot. I looked down leaning my weight on the wall. I had stepped on a smashed beer bottle and had a few shards of glass sticking into my foot. My faded blue socks started to stain red as the warm liquid trickled out dripping on the sand below. This is another one of those times I'm glad I'm use to worse pain as bad as that sounds. I hear Sir get off the couch and head towards the bathroom. I don't have time for this; I'll have to take the glass out later.
Taking a deep breath I lift Aden up on my hip more before sneaking around the corner of the house to my Bike. I had to get Aden to crawl under a bush, while I got full force of it, the branches scraping at me as I pushed past trying to keep quiet. I managed to come out alive with only a few more scratches. I walk on the heal of my injured foot to not put any weight on the shards. I sat Aden into his seat making sure he was buckled in right with his helmet on tight before plopping onto the ground. Pulling my foot into my lap it really doesn't look good. Now there is sand stuck all over my sock that's slowly changing colour. The metallic smell hit my nostrils making me gag a bit. I don't know why but for some reason my senses seem to be slightly sharper than others at times, normal people can't smell blood but I definitely can and it's really off-putting.
Breathing deeply in and out a few times I will myself to pull out the glass. On the forth intake of air I grab the biggest piece and pull it out fast, hoping for the bandaid effect 'the faster you do it, the less it hurts'. It hurt, it hurt like a bitch but I kept my mouth shut. I pull out the rest fast trying not to think about it. I took of my sock once blue now red and ringed it out. The dirt and blood making a blackish colour drop to the ground. I flip it inside out so the dirt is on the other side and tie it around my foot, hoping it should last me.
Putting on my converse I ignore the pain as I ride Aden to day-care. A bad feeling settles its way into my gut, call it intuition but I have a feeling this day is going to get worse.
A/N – I know I am really late with this chapter but I found it so hard to write. I knew where it was going and what I needed to say just not how to say it. I'm not too sure how I feel about it but I hope you guys like it. This was one of those much needed chapters so I could move the story on.
So we find out who Little Miss Dakoda and Aden are related to. I didn't put in first names because she doesn't know them, but anyone who knows twilight knows who that last name belongs to. But alas do you know who the other brother is. Who is the man in that photo that made her squirm? What's Daniels story? A few people caught on to his last name.
Anyway like usual thank you for the reviews and yes I did get excited reading them =]. I much appreciate everyone's input it really helps me out and is good motivation.
So don't forget to ask questions they help me to and again what music did this make you listen to? I had a lot of Grizzly Bear on and few others. I will be putting some songs into this seeing as Koda is a guitar player so when I do ill put them in an A/N before the chapter so you can get them ready if you like. I will also be doing some different povs soon. If you would like to hear from a different character tell me which one and ill see what I can do.
Thanks again for reading this is my first story, I'm still trying to find my own writing style and hoping to get more dialogue in. So like I said 10 times already I like people's opinions ahaha. Man I'm annoying =D.
I already have chap 5 on the way. Oh yer and I'm going to put a warning at the top of one of my chaps soon things are going to get slightly graphic, but yer to end another rant keep it pimping and shizz =P.
=3 Until next time =p-Kaiottic-Rawr-
