Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – Decisions & Consequences

While Demetri was gone I made my long passed due decision. I would have to talk to him about it, make him to promise a few things, but hopefully it would diffuse the situation. It terrified me, but at last I knew I had put it off as long as I could.

I hated being cooped up, a virtual prisoner, even if I adored my jailor. I made his life hard, harder than I was willing to admit even yesterday. I saw him struggle with his instincts and his emotions, forcing them to merge and bend to his will. I appreciated his efforts -- loved him all the more for them, but it was time to face the truth. Neither of us could be happy while I remained here. Neither of us could live full lives and we certainly couldn't be together unless something changed.

It was impossible to have everything.

I took my time showering, breaking my promise to stay out of the way, but at this point it hardly mattered. One vampire was much like another. I shaved, careful not to nick myself and stepped out. I dried my hair and examined it in the mirror. It was longer then I would have liked – just brushing my shoulders, but then I hadn't been able to see a stylist in seven months.

Had it really been that long? Half a year had passed and I hadn't seemed to notice it. I laughed humorlessly as I thought again of Christmas. I knew what I was getting – that both terrified and thrilled me. I just hoped Demetri would be content with his gift.

I slipped into one of his t-shirts again. I didn't fear it now. His scent calmed me and gave me more courage than I felt. Then I went to wait. It grew dark and I shivered in my thin clothing and pulled the blankets around me. The window was still open and I could see the first stars come out in the clear, sharp sky and I wondered what they would look like tomorrow.

The sky grew blacker and I grew stiff from sitting in the same position for so long. I began to get worried. Demetri had never left me alone this long. Had 'the masters' done something to him to punish him from killing the other vampire? I felt helpless tears sting my eyes and I brushed them away impatiently. Now was not the time to fall apart. Later, when I had reason – if, I had reason, I could, but now, I needed to be patient and wait. Demetri would come.

Just as the sun was breaking over the horizon and lightening the sky to a pale grey, I heard the door creak open. I abandoned my warm cocoon, somewhat stiffly, and bounded across the room to jump into his arms. Demetri pulled me against him. Every line in his hard body was strained and tense. As I looked up into his face I saw that his eyes were darker than usual, full of some unreadable emotion. He refused to let me go and sank into his chair, pulling me down with him into his lap and burying his face in my hair.

"I --"

I shook my head and interrupted, sitting up straight to look him in the eyes. They were impassive, "No, it's my turn. I have been horribly selfish and unthinking. We can't go on like this. It's not safe for me and utterly ridiculous that I rely totally on you to be there every moment to protect me. It's not good for you, either. It keeps you from doing what you need to."

"Sarah, I don't mind," He protested. "You are the essential thing, not me. My life was one long monotonous bore before Heidi found you. You have made me feel more alive then I have in centuries." His lips brushed against my jaw and my thoughts scattered as my heart sped up.

"Please don't," I begged. "I can't think while you do that. I have a little more to say, then you can do whatever you like."

"Whatever I like?" he asked, his lips twitching as he raised a dark eyebrow. My leg was suddenly very warm under his icy fingers.

I averted my eyes, from his hungry gaze, "Don't distract me. It's important." He sat back a little further away from me in a visible effort to be good.

"I want … no, that isn't right," I muttered starting over. "I need you to change me," his body stiffened and I rushed on. "I mean, it's not like there are too many alternatives." I forced a laugh then waited in silence as he thought.

His answer was hesitant and fear laced, "I am not sure I could do it. I … might not be able to stop." He looked down at the floor.

I put my hands on either side of his faced and waited until he looked at me. "If that happens to be the case, then it's fine. I would rather you take my life than someone else. At least I would know that some part of me would live on in you."

"That's morbid," He retorted in a tight voice.

I narrowed my eyes, "Maybe, but it's my life and I will have some control over it. This is the only thing that makes sense and I want it."

His eyes were hard, "Why would you desire this?" He gestured to himself.

I sighed – what a loaded question, "At this point, my family probably thinks I'm dead and I have resigned myself to the idea that I might never see them again. That is fine, I can deal with that." I took a deep breath and pressed on quickly before my nerves could make me change my mind. "What I can't deal with is never seeing you again. I can't live with that." I lowered my voice, "I think I love you, Demetri." I paused then forced my voice to be strong and not waver, "So, whether I die or am changed, it won't matter."

Demetri didn't say anything for a long time. His face gave nothing away and I waited trying not to squirm impatiently.

"It would matter to me," He said softly, his eyes smoldering as they peered into mine. "It's probably a good thing that you came to this decision on your own. I have been ordered to change you or," – his eyes changed and he paused unhappily – "dispose of you."

I cringed, sick at the thought. He tightened his arms around me.

"You really want to stay with me?" he asked in a soft voice. I think as a distraction.

I nodded against his chest, "If you want me to. I'm a pain, though."

He chuckled softly, "I know that and I love you too, Sarah. Before you ever knew it, I was yours. I have been worried that you would never come to think of me in that way, that you were disgusted by me … by what I am. I never hoped to hear those words come from your lips."

My heart reacted more fittingly to his words then I ever could, but I pulled away to look at him again, make sure that he knew that my next words were nonnegotiable.

"There's just one thing."

He waited suddenly anxious.

I had to be very clear on this point, "I can't feed on humans. I just can't, Demetri. I don't care what you say; the thought of it makes me nearly crazy. I will still have human family; it will be their faces I see. I can't do it -- more than that I won't."

He took a deep breath, "That is easier said then done. Perhaps you should wait until after to make that decision. We are made to feed on humans; it is our preferred food source."

I leaped at the thought, "Preferred, but not necessary?"

He shook his head slowly, "No. There are some of our kind who refuse to use humans as food. They exist on animals." He looked mildly disgusted at the thought.

"Could you teach me how to do it?"

He was hesitant to promise something he wasn't sure he could, "I don't know. I have never done it myself."

"Would you try, for me?"

"I would do anything for you, Sarah, but I am not sure I can do this. It takes substantial willpower and there are humans here, the scent of fresh blood ..." he looked down and away as if he were ashamed of his weakness.

"We would be doing it together." I offered laying my forehead against his.

He tightened his arms, "I guess then it would be worth a try."

I kissed him.

"What's the deadline?" I asked, mentally cringing at my choice of words. Now that the preliminaries were over, it was time to get down to business.

"Two days, to be disposed of or in the middle of the change."

"It takes more than two days?" I blanched at the thought. "You said it was painful."

"It is, very." He said.

I made a face, "Don't hold anything back, alright."

He flashed a hard smile, "I didn't want it to come as a shock."

"I think," I retorted wryly, "that all of it will come as a shock."

He chuckled darkly, "Yes, death normally does."

"How does it work?" We had never gotten passed the pain portion of the deed. My voice wavered a bit and Demetri's thumb rubbed restless circles against my skin in response to the fear he heard.

He was silent for a moment, collecting the thoughts he never wanted to share with me, "We don't have saliva, we have venom," He finally explained. "When we bite a human, it serves to incapacitate them. It enters the blood stream and causes such intense pain they are unable to escape. If we leave them while their heart still beats, the venom will spread throughout the body, changing the tissues and organs, eventually stopping the heart." He paused, his eyes and jaw hard, "When the change is finished, a vampire is born."

"So you will have to bite me?"

His hand froze as his eyes darkened and his jaw tightened, "That is where it gets difficult. It is extremely difficult to pull away from the lure of fresh blood. Nearly impossible."

I took his face in my hands again a bit desperately. He had to understand. "You will stop. I trust you to stop, Demetri." I searched his eyes looking for the strength I knew was there.

"I will have to rely on that. I fed before I came back, that is why I took so long." He shook his head as if it weren't enough. "I prepared as well as I could."

My heart was starting to pick up a bit, but I tried to hide it under a confident tone, "Well, let's get it over with or the suspense will kill us both."

"You can have the day, Sarah," He offered.

I shook my head slowly, my confidence suddenly gone; replaced by fear, "It wouldn't be much of a day, I'm afraid."

"I agree."

He rose with me still in his arms and moved to the bed. I went rigid and squeezed my eyes shut the moment he laid me down. He surprised me when he curled up next to me and tenderly stroked my cheek.

"I am going to move very slowly to your chest," He said explaining softly. "It is quicker the nearer I can get to the heart. I will probably bite you on the wrists as well … if I can. Please, try to move as little as possible."

I tried to focus on the sensation of his hand on my skin. It was nearly impossible, I was so tense.

"Sarah, look at me."

I obediently opened my eyes and stared into his, for the first time allowing myself to be entranced. It was impossible to look away from the two drowning pools of crimson. I felt myself begin to relax against my will. His hands were never still and they made me very warm and I was suddenly very sleepy.

"You are very beautiful, Sarah. Very beautiful and very brave," His voice crept into my mind further muddling it. "I love you."

I felt a shift in his position, but couldn't focus on it. There was a single moment of quiet. Peace. I felt like I had sunk into a warm bath. Then something cold pressed above my left breast and a slicing pain caused me to tear away from the atmosphere he had created. I tried to fight, but all movement was impossible. I was held in firmly in place by steel bands. I could feel the blood being taken from my body.

For a moment the shock of it confused me. It reminded me of the time I had gotten blood taken for a test and I felt I was at the doctor's office again, though the procedure was happening in the wrong place. It felt numb around the wound and cold. It made me afraid to move, afraid the needle would cause more pain.

Then my memories came back and I remembered where I was and what was truly happening. I wasn't at a doctor's, I was in Italy. I don't know how I managed it, but I raised my head to see Demetri's dark one still bowed over my chest. I felt a dark flutter at the sight then let my head drop. It was becoming too heavy to hold up.

I was starting to shiver with cold. My heart stuttered and I knew there wasn't much time left. Somehow I freed my hand and raising it I placed it gently on his head. I felt the silken texture of his curls and heard the warning growl that ripped from him.

"Demetri," I whispered, it was a mere thread of sound. I was too weak to use more volume, but I knew he would hear me. Black was starting to close around my line of sight, narrowing it. I could hear my heart beginning to fade into nothing. It wouldn't be long now and I would be free. I just had one more thing to do. I took the deepest breath I could.

"I love you, too."