Chapter 14

The plane ride was the most difficult, there were too many humans crowded into a small area. Their scent -- I worried a couple of them with my lack of breathing -- and closeness drove me nearly crazy with thirst before the plane set down in New York. The only thing that saved them was the thought of Jess and the memory of my reflection in Tom's eyes. After that each one took on their faces.

Never have I been so ecstatic to be off a plane. Normally I loved flying; the ride to Europe had been one of the greatest of my life. I loved seeing the world from so high, getting a new perspective on it, how minute I was in the grand scheme of what populated it. Now, I couldn't get off the plane and out of the airport fast enough. It was hard to move through the crowds at human speed.

After that, though, the traveling became routine. I avoided people, having learned my lesson on the plane. I learned to travel at night, and hated it. I missed the sun and I secretly delighted in the way my skin glittered in its light. And I missed Demetri desperately.

At first, I thought he would find me in a matter of days, but after a couple of weeks of aimless wandering and vain hoping, I decided that he thought me not worth the effort. After I had come to that soul wrenching conclusion, it was only the need to find those like me that kept me from curling into a ball and letting the loneliness and despair take me. I had left most of me in Italy; the remainder was -- in truth, horribly scarred and not worth keeping. I wasn't sure I could ever be happy or normal again, but still I persisted. That damn survivalist instinct driving me on.

Surprisingly, I ran into very few vampires and the ones I did, left me as soon as they could. They sensed something lost in me, something dead and though I was not reckless in anyway or drew unwanted attention to us, my apathy grated and they grew bored with me.

It wasn't really so much of a shame to be alone. They made me uncomfortable. I had had very little experience with others of my kind and what experience I had, wasn't at all reassuring. I couldn't bring myself to trust any of them; maybe that is what made them leave me behind.

At any rate, my 'gift' would have made everything more difficult had I desired to join a coven. All vampires all looked the same -- depending on their age, their faces were all horrifying to varying degrees. It made me fervently wish for the blindness I'd had before I'd been changed.

Though, to be fair to my kind, now that I had been out among them, the same could be said for many humans. There are many out there more frightening and evil then some of the vampires I met. Those, I avoided completely although I knew they couldn't harm me. Somehow it was worse seeing the monster in a human.

I asked all the vampires I met if they knew of the Cullen coven. Those few who did sneered when they spoke of them. It seemed the coven was looked down on for their feeding preferences, but none really knew where they were so I was forced to hunt them up myself. Not an easy thing when you know next to nothing about a group and they are trying to stay below human radar and when you have more in common with Count Dracula than Sherlock Holmes.

One afternoon in an almost non-existent town in Iowa, I waited in the town library for the rain to stop. I was lonely and had wandered into the town before the rain had begun only to be near some living thing, though it was a slow torture. Once it had started to rain, I had been forced to seek shelter or appear crazy for walking out in the drenching rain. I flipped through a couple of books, trying to blend in, luckily there was no one in the library but the librarian and after taking one look at me, she had decided to trust her instincts and steer clear of the latest walk-in.

Finally bored, I sat at their only computer – an ancient, out-moded thing and played on it a bit. The thunder crashed outside and I could hear the pounding of the rain on the roof of the small building. I sighed and then, more out of curiosity than anything else, ran an internet search on the cloudiest places in North America.

For weeks I had been traveling without direction. Part of that was depression – I was stubbornly attempting to forget about Demetri, with little luck. He haunted my every breath, and part of it had been that I was still new enough not to know a lot of the things I should have, such as the best place for vampires would be somewhere with almost constant cloud cover -- if we wanted to go out during the day. I did so it wasn't hard to imagine that others might want to go out as well, especially those who lived in close conjunction with humans. It would help the disguise.

Most of the places were in Alaska. I wasn't really keen on going to Alaska – I still thought like a human and it was cold in Alaska. The other top place was in Washington State. I heaved another sigh. Well, if I had to go up to Alaska, I guess I could pass through Washington to get there. Maybe I would get lucky there and not have to go further north.

I printed out a map and was blowing on the ink when the rain stopped and the sun began to peek through the clouds. I scowled at it and stuffed the paper into my bag. I would have to make a run for cover before the sky cleared completely. That was another hardship of traveling during the day, I never knew when the sun would make his appearance and I would have to duck and run. But he decided to play peek-a-boo with me and I was able to get out of sight before he beat back the clouds for good.

As I started to travel west past the Midwestern states, I found my feet turning involuntarily southward toward home and though it became harder to travel the further I went -- the sun seemed to shine every day causing travel to be possible only after it had set for the day, I welcomed the warmth and comfort of a familiar landscape. I loved the feel of the hot, dry air on my cold skin. I wished Demetri were there to share in the most beautiful sunsets the world had to offer. I wanted to introduce him to the place I had been raised.

I reached the city just after the sun had set for the night. Not wanting to deal with the late night crowds, I skirted the main part of the city and headed northwest, taking my time as I hiked through the Boca Negra canyon seeing it as I never had before. The scraggy shrub oak and stubby juniper trees lent a bit of color to the dun landscape and the volcanic rock that gave the canyon its name gave texture and areas for the little desert creatures to hide.

Those I didn't see – they kept well hidden from my predator's presence, but I smelled them and heard their hearts pounding in the rhythm of fear. Even the bold coyotes gave me a wide berth and sang warning of my passing to others.

I waited until the stars had come out to go home. My family's quiet street was dark and there were few street lights, so I meandered along without worrying if anyone would see me. I checked my watch; it was a little past two in the morning so I knew not many people would be awake.

All the lights were out at my parents' house; even the porch was dark. It didn't matter, I could see in the night as well as I could in the day. When I got to the door, I reached up to grab our emergency house key from its hiding place at the top of the square stucco column that stood near the front door. I unlocked the door, praying they hadn't decided to get the alarm turned on.

I was relieved when the only sound that broke the silence was the chime. I was also relieved to note that our black lab mix, Misty, was outside for the night. I had had too many run-ins with dogs to believe that she would tolerate the new me.

The house hadn't changed, except for the thick layer of dust that covered anything. It was so unlike my obsessive compulsive mother not to dust that I inhaled deeply wondering if the family was even there. I wasn't sure what they would smell like, but was rewarded with the distinct scents of four humans, one dog, and -- I froze in place as my blood went cold. Under the warm odor of dog and human, I smelled a slightly sweet scent. An unforgettable scent. The scent of a vampire. It was old and faint and unfamiliar, but it was there.

What had a vampire been doing in my parents' home?

I calmed my scattering thoughts and listened hard, I could make out the strong beats of four human hearts. It would seem no one had been hurt. Could someone have been looking for me? Or had it been from before? Had Aro sent someone to my home to learn of my family? Is that how they knew Jess and Tom would be in Italy?

As I wondered cautiously through the house, alert to any new scent or minute disturbance, I noticed along with the dust, the build up of clutter. Paper plates were being used instead of the china Mom was so proud of. Stacks of newspapers and junk mail were scattered around. Sorrow tore through my heart as I realized I was most likely the cause for the mess. Me, and now Jess and Tom. Mom must have been so busy worrying about finding her children that she had let the house go.

I could tell the family had had pizza for dinner and I wondered if that, too, was a sign of the stress my parents were under. My dad was a sensational cook and hardly ever allowed us to order out. He enjoyed experimenting and showing his love for us with outstanding meals. It was a miracle of genetics that we had all remained bean-poles.

I crept soundlessly up the stairs listening for anything that might give another of my kind away and, not wanting to tempt myself more then was necessary, I found that I had to peek in on my family. I had to make sure that no more of their lives had been destroyed because of the existance of dangerous and mythical beings.

I pushed open the first bedroom door I came to. It was one of the twin's rooms. Sixteen-year old Will lay sprawled on his stomach clad in nothing but his boxers. I peered into the shadows, and finding no scent of the vampire, I allowed myself to relax. I shook my head fondly at his gangly, adolescent body and covered his still form with the discarded blanket that lay on the floor.

He looked so young as he slept, something I knew he would definitely not appreciate me thinking. I reached out to brush a shaggy lock of dark blonde hair from his forehead, but pulled back when his face scrunched and he flinched away at the feel of my icy skin on his. I smiled down at him sadly. He was probably right. It was better if I didn't touch him; I could feel the burn staring to grow and unwillingly I started tapping my fingers in time with his heartbeat. I froze when I noticed what I was doing and silently, I left his room, pulling the door tightly closed after me.

The next was Will's twin, Rebecca's room, still a violent Pepto Bismol shade of pink that caused the whole hallway to glow when her door was open. Posters of actors and singers adorned the walls and photos of her friends stuck in the frame made it almost impossible to see my reflection in her mirror. Clothes littered the floor and her desk was covered in old homework. I smiled, it seemed she had changed even less then Will. Here as well, there was no sign of a vampire.

Becks was curled in a tight ball on her side; her ragged, one-eyed, old bear, Pops, clutched in her arms. She looked sad, though, even in sleep and it worried me. A hitching sigh escaped her once and she cuddled the shabby scrap of bear even closer to her. I didn't touch her as I had Will, though I wanted to. She smelled remarkably similar to Jess and it twisted my heart. I left her room quickly after that.

The unknown vampire's scent was stronger at Jess' door and though I had not the slightest desire to go in her room, I knew I had to. It was cold and empty and nothing had changed. The scent was no fresher then it had been at her door, so I didn't investigate further then peering inside.

Even after Jess had married Tom, Mom had left it the same. The only change being a queen bed had been added in place of her little twin. I closed my eyes at the sight of a little, forlorn basinet already in place, proof of my parents' excitement over having grandkids. I pulled the door shut and stood slumped with my back against it for more then a few minutes as I fought unwanted memories.

The last room in the hall was mine. Here too, the scent was stronger, but I was sure that as with the other's it would be empty. Perhaps the vampire had just been curious. It didn't calm my anxiety. Being in my room, however, with my own things comforted me and I left off worrying about the unfamiliar scent for a time.

I lay on my unmade bed and stared up at the ceiling for a long while, half awake and half dreaming of the time before when things had been easy and I had been carefree. Now everything had changed. I was truly alone and there was something sinister stalking me or my family. I slowly sat up and looked around my room. Nothing had been touched. My things were still scattered as they had been in my rush to make sure I had everything for my trip.

I thought back to that day. It had been so exciting. I had been so ready for a safe little adventure. If only I had known it would end up like this; me changed into a monster, a murderer, a creature of nightmares who had only death and destruction to offer those she loved. But I couldn't feel that it had been a total loss. I had had my time with Demetri and for that I would trade all the pain and fear in the world and all my remaining eternal desolation.

My suitcases were by the bed. The hostel must have returned them. I opened the smallest and rummaged through until I found the little hidden pocket. I had left a little money in it that would come in handy. I also traded my dirty, travel worn jeans and long sleeved shirt for clean clothes and stuffed another set in my pack.

I grabbed the last family photo we had had made at Jess' wedding and placed it carefully in my pack next to my sketch book. I hoped it wouldn't be missed but I couldn't help it. I needed more then just sketches of my family to prove they had been real. I could already feel my memories of them slipping away, like water through my fingers, and I didn't want to forget them.

I left everything else, as painful as it was. To take anything more would be dangerous. They would miss such things and know I hadn't taken them with me on my vacation. I didn't want to worry them about thieves on top of everything else. That thought brought a dry chuckle. Thieves were nothing compared to vampires. I hoped now, that I was out of the picture; whoever had bothered them would never return. I hoped that they would be safe and the rest of their lives would be happy.

I took a deep breath and steeled myself for the last room. It was downstairs on the main floor and belonged to my parents. I pushed the cracked door open and slipped inside. My mom and dad were still and quiet, their breathing deep and even. They clung to each other, even in their sleep, as if to be apart even in sleep would be too painful. I saw the new worry lines that creased their brows and thinned their lips and knew I was to blame.

I sat down in Mom's old rocker and watched them sleep. After a moment, Mom stirred as I should have known she would. She had a sixth sense when it came to her kids, which was probably why she sent Jess and Tom to look for me.

"Sarah," she whispered as she rolled from dad's sheltering arms onto her side. It took a moment for me to realize that she was not talking in her sleep, but was awake had had opened her eyes. She was staring at me in disbelief. She sat up, blinking.

"Sarah?" her voice was rough with sleep and emotion. Dad mumbled something and I held my breath, praying he wouldn't wake up. He stretched and relaxed and I let the breath out.

"Shhh," I soothed. "It's me, but don't wake Dad, alright?"

Mom shook her head, "Am I dreaming?"

I thought it was best to go with that idea and nodded, "Yes."

Mom wouldn't think anything of it. She had often told us of the vivid dreams she had had of her mother who had died when Mom was a child coming to her and speaking with her.

"Where are you? Are you happy?" She asked in true mother style.

I smiled a little sadly and ignored the first question. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be if I wasn't here. "Yes, I'm happy," I lied convincingly enough that I saw her visibly relax.

"I can't stay long," I whispered. "But I wanted you to know I was all right and that you have to stop looking for me."

Mom's face paled, "Then you've seen Jess?" I could hear the anguish in her voice as she realized what my words meant.

I nodded slowly bracing myself for my next words. Hoping she wouldn't read the still fresh grief behind them, "She's happy too, Mom. Her and Tom and the baby. She wants me to tell you how much she loves you and always will. You'll see them again." I didn't think that Jess would mind me speaking for her.

I could hear Mom's soft sobs, smell her tears, and see her thin shoulders shaking.

"And you? Will I see you again?" she asked through her agonized sobs.

I smiled wistfully, "One day, you'll see me again." I didn't know when that day would be, but I knew I would come back some time – even if it was to make sure they were all still safe and no one was looking for me.

I heard the neighbor's car start next door and looked over at the sound. It meant dawn was here. I had spent more time then I had intended. As I stood, Mom gasped and for a second I was afraid she had seen too clearly and knew what I was.

"Do you have to go?" she asked, raising her hands in attempt to get me to stay.

I nodded slowly, "I do, but I love you, Mom." Then I dropped my voice to an angel's whisper and fixed my eyes on hers, willing her to comply with my orders, "Lay down, Mom and go back to sleep." I saw her eyelids droop and she shook her head in effort to keep awake.

I began to hum, low and under my breath, a song only she could hear and know. She lay back against her pillows, relaxing further with every note.

"I love you, Sarah. Tell Jess …" Her voice was a sleepy whisper.

I stopped my humming long enough to assure her that Jess knew, then resumed my song until her breathing had evened and she was asleep. As I pulled the front door shut behind me and stepped into the gray dawn, I knew it would be the last time I would ever do so. I would never burden my family again. When I came back it would only be to check on them, I wouldn't enter their home again.

It was a strange release to leave, sad, but exhilarating. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt that I could go on now, a little while longer anyway and I hoped that they could too. I hoped that my sudden appearance in Mom's 'dreams' had brought her some closure and peace.