I hope that everyone had a fabulous holiday! Sorry, I have taken so long to update, but the good food and my family have been keeping me busy -- not to mention my dad's computer sucks! Anyway, hope you enjoy the next two chapters and as always review!
Enjoy!!!
Chapter 18
The weeks flew by after that fantastic morning. I grew more comfortable with everyone and them with me, though they couldn't understand why I tried so hard to keep some things hidden from them. They never pushed the subject and after a month or so they let it drop altogether, but I continued to see the worry in their eyes and the silent communications that passed between them.
It was easier for me to be around them then it had been those in Italy. Here they respected life and that helped my focus. It amazed them that I had traveled so far being so young and never breaking down once and taking a human life. I would smile sadly at their comments and think if only they knew the real reason they might not feel that way.
I loved to sit with them when they were gathered together, even if it was just to watch TV. I sat back and watched as they interacted and laughed with each other. I tried to be happy. It was my nature to be happy, but it was difficult now. I was surrounded by good people, yet I was terribly lonely and didn't know how exactly to handle it.
One cold night when the house was quiet, I sat by myself in the game room and flicked restlessly through the channels. I didn't know what I wanted to watch, but I wasn't ready to retreat to the absolute isolation of my room. I loved it and often needed the loneliness of it, but tonight I didn't want to be alone.
The thought of all those I was growing to love, sequestered away in their rooms with their mates, hurt tonight and I wanted something to take my mind off the ache that filled my chest and the emptiness of my arms.
"Seven hundred channels and still not a dang thing on," I muttered as I continued to click restlessly through the channels.
I was so annoyed I didn't notice Edward until he had settled himself beside me. I glanced over in surprise as he propped his bare feet up on the oversized ottoman. He was dressed in a t-shirt and flannel bottoms, clearly ready for some down time. I wondered where Bella was.
"So," he said in an offhand manner – I was learning that he spoke like that only when he was sure something was up, "When are you going to explain the pictures I see flash through your mind?"
I froze in my obsessive channel surfing and turned slowly to face him. He had never outright questioned me on anything. I could feel what little color I had in my face drain away at the thought of what he had seen. I felt sick that despite the effort I had put forth, he had still seen what I most wanted hidden.
"What have you seen?" I whispered in a strangled voice I didn't recognize.
He shrugged, "Not a lot. You are astonishingly good at keeping me out."
I nodded weakly, "I tried really hard."
"I know and I can't help that I see what you don't want me to see," He turned his body toward me. "It hurts us all to see you struggle the way you do and know we are powerless to help you or even be there to listen when it gets to be too much for you to go through all on your own. We all have painful pasts and it helps to share the burden."
I couldn't look away from his piercing eyes. It didn't matter that I was one of them now, they still had the ability to trap me with their eyes.
"What did you see, Edward?" I repeated in chilled tones.
"A human woman, alive in one second, dead in the next. I hear the screams of a man, see the trees ghosting by, a pair of red eyes … what are you running from, Sarah."
I flinched and slowly lay the remote down to disguise the shaking of my hands. It had to come out sooner then later. Edward didn't move only waited patiently for me to begin
"The woman was my sister, Jess." I explained pulling my knees up to my chest and rocking a little. I couldn't seem to be able to stop it. "The man was her husband. They were looking for me, wouldn't believe I was dead and they found them."
"They?" he asked in confusion and I gave up words, finding it impossible to speak them and instead simply allowed him to see what he would.
I watched as Edward's face grew harder and more vampiric than I had ever seen it. Pure, unadulterated rage mingled with horror, bleached him further and I heard him growl low in his chest at one point and later a furious hiss escaped him. He blinked, shook his head and was abruptly back, with me.
I had stopped rocking, "I ran to keep from being seen as a monster." A shudder ripped through me and I stared at the TV with unseeing eyes, "Tom saw me as that … I saw it in his eyes."
The flood of memories caused me to shake convulsively. The room seemed to jitter around and I had to close my eyes. It struck me again how unfortunate it was that being what I was couldn't stop me from feeling all too human emotions.
"You're not a monster, Sarah," Edward whispered. "You did it because you loved her."
My breath caught at mention of my motives and suddenly, almost as it had done the first night with Esme, the dam broke and I felt harsh sobs rip from my chest. My whole body shook with them and it was all I could do keep myself somewhat quiet, though, somewhere deep inside I knew everyone heard me and had come down to at last learn what I was hiding. I buried my face in my knees.
Edward was gentleness himself as he wrapped his arms around the tight ball that was me and hugged me tightly. He said nothing and let me cry.
There was some comfort in that, but he wasn't who I wanted … who I needed. That was the worst part. Talking about Jess had been painful. I knew she had forgiven me, that helped ease the ache, but nothing compared to the loss I felt for someone else; for his arms and his husky voice to soothe me, for him to tell me that he did not see me as I saw myself. And as my frightening noises grew more frenzied for a few brief seconds until I could gain some control over myself, I felt Edward stiffen in alarm and I tried to pull back, to distance myself from him. He didn't need to be here. It wasn't fair to him.
"You're not a monster." He growled in my ear, refusing to let me go.
I shook my head in disagreement and I felt him haul me back by my shoulders.
"You are not like them." He said severely as he glared at me.
"But she was pregnant, Edward," I whispered harshly, unable to contain the grief that shook me and needing a release. "And I killed them both and ran."
That was the worst part – that I ran. Edward could sense it, but I wouldn't let him see how that was worse.
I could see the family gathered in the entryway. They had only heard what I said and not seen what Edward had; their expressions ranged from hollow-eyed shock to cold fury. I was unable to look away, though my entire being screamed for me to run, to escape. I was tired of running.
Edward's eyes closed at my pronouncement, he had seen it, but still it pained him to hear, then he hugged me close again and stroked my hair, "It's all right, Sarah," He crooned soothingly. "You did what most are not strong enough to do. You couldn't let her suffer. She forgave you. It's all right. She forgave you."
I knew deep down that before I had done the unthinkable, Jess had already forgiven me. I hoped that once Tom had found out what my kind were capable of, he had forgiven me. I just couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't not see myself as a monster. I couldn't not help wondering what it was everyone who looked at me saw.
"Bella," I heard Edward call.
She was instantly beside him, eyes dark with worry as they flicked to him and back to me.
"Go with Bella, Sarah. I'll explain everything to the family."
I allowed Bella to pull me up and she slung her arm around my shoulders, almost supporting me as she accompanied me to my room.
She curled up next to me after I had lay down on my bed and stroked my hair, humming some little song faintly under her breath. It calmed me, her rhythmic strokes and the soft sound of her voice and soon my breathing had calmed and I lay like a stone, completely drained and hollow. Bella never left me. I loved her even more for that.
I slipped into some kind of trauma related trance later that night. It wasn't sleep – I was still aware of everything that was going on – but I couldn't respond to anything I heard. In fact when I came to myself the next morning, I would say it felt like a dream.
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I went hunting alone the next day. It was the first time since arriving that they had allowed me to be on my own. I figured they trusted me now they had a reason I would not to go near the town or any humans I might find.
As I had left the house, no one had spoken to me, but I had felt their silent support and had seen it in their eyes. Whatever Edward had told them had done the trick. There was no blame and, thankfully, little pity.
I ran for about an hour before deciding I was far enough away to let go of my civilized façade. It felt good to run with no other thought worrying me except what was on the menu. I hit the hot trail of elk and tracked it to a small herd. My nose allowed me to identify a weaker animal and I pursued it until it tired and lay down offering little resistance. Once I had drunk my fill, I ravaged the carcass a little to make it look as if the animal had been taken down by a cougar or pack of wolves.
In the short time I had been with them, the Cullens had taught me the importance of making sure nothing stood out. For all our predatory behavior, our bites unsurprisingly resemble a human bite. That, we couldn't change, but we could make it look as though our prey had been brought down by nothing but another carnivore, that or bury it and I didn't feel like getting my hands dirty at the moment.
I took my sweet time going home. I enjoyed the silence of the snowy forests, the coolness of the wind and clean quality of the air. It was hard to find places this pure anymore.
Since I was still far from home and certain Edward couldn't look into my head and Jasper couldn't feel my emotions, I let my thoughts wander. I realized that I hadn't thought about the unfamiliar vampire for awhile and that bothered me a little. I didn't know anything about the creature and couldn't afford to become lax, no matter how comfortable I was – not that I would have known what to do if confronted by it but I didn't want to bring it here. I hoped it would never come to that.
Then as always, my thoughts veered towards Demetri. Unable to stop the flood, I sat for a time on a snow covered log and let the memories of him flow through me. I relived the first moments I saw him – all the terror and, underneath it, a strange wonder. I surrounded myself with what I remembered, and vampires have remarkable memories, of his strength and heady scent, until my senses were overcome. If something had been following me it would have been all too easy for it to get me in those moments – I was not alert to anything but my fantasies.
I missed him so much that I almost made up my mind to return to Italy – damn the consequences, but I knew I couldn't. The thought of returning to the place where I had been forced to commit such an unforgivable offense caused me to start rocking. As much as I desired to be in Demetri's arms and to feel him in mine, I couldn't be on the same continent as Aro and the rest of his devils.
I dragged myself to my feet and ran, hoping the instinctual movements would cause me to revert to my wilder nature and forget – even for awhile. But it didn't and when I got back to the house, I felt even more raw and weary than I had before I left.
To my surprise, everyone was waiting for me in the family room with that quiet that comes before a storm. The air was tense and thick with unanswered questions and an anxious, anticipatory silence.
It was clear Carlisle had been pacing as he waited for me. He stopped now and faced me, a small frown creasing his brow. Rose stood, one eyebrow cocked and slender arms folded across her chest, glaring at me. Edward's face was pulled into a disapproving frown and Bella was glowering at him. It was impossible not to see her frustration. Alice was unusually subdued and Esme's eyes were bleak. Emmett watched me curiously and Jasper sat quietly, waiting, his eyes on me and the room curiously devoid of emotion.
"What happened?" I asked without removing my coat. The tension in the room was hard not to react to and I felt myself growing uneasy.
Carlisle turned and looked at me, "We were hoping perhaps you could tell us."
I slowly unbuttoned my coat and slipped it off, folding it over my arm as I hugged myself, "I don't know what you're talking about. I've been out hunting all day."
"We know," Rosalie said in a hard tone. Emmett came to stand beside her and put a restraining hand on her shoulder; she shrugged it off and growled at him.
I blinked, taken back at her viciousness, "What are you talking about?"
I couldn't imagine what warranted this behavior, I hadn't done anything wrong that I knew about. The elk I had pulled down had been weak and chances were it would not have lasted the winter – if that had even mattered to my new family. I was quite sure that no one had seen me, so what could have happened while I was out to cause everyone to look at me as if, well, as if I had killed my sister? I felt myself getting defensive.
Carlisle held up his hand, "That's enough, Rosalie," He said softly before turning his full attention to me. "A man was brought to the hospital this afternoon."
I waited for more information on why this was important and wondering that had to do with me.
"He had been attacked by some 'animal' and later died on the operating table." Carlisle was grim as he related the story. It was obvious by 'animal' he meant vampire. I felt my stomach knot and I shifted uncomfortably.
"It wasn't me, if that's what you're getting at. I went west; about an hour's run from the town -- in the mountains. I pulled down an elk. It's still there if you care to check I'm not lying."
"She's telling the truth, Carlisle," Edward stated with a softening of his face. "I can see where she went and what she did. She didn't go into town and never ran into any humans."
"I told you she didn't do it," Bella said more to Edward than to anyone else.
I had no time to berate Edward for peeping into my mind because though Esme had relaxed at Edward's pronouncement, Rosalie's arms were still folded and her face had not softened. She didn't believe me. I glared back at her then turned to Alice.
"You must have seen something," I said.
She shook her head, frowning, "No. I don't have such a close bond to you yet and had no reason to go looking into your future. I saw Carlisle with the man, but not who attacked him."
I narrowed my eyes, "Well, it wasn't me." I persisted stubbornly. "I'm not exactly keen on the idea of killing humans – no matter how badly they look as if they need killing and I certainly wouldn't call attention to you by leaving someone alive but torn up. It's irresponsible and not really my style." It was hard to keep the scathing sarcasm out of my voice.
"I believe you, Sarah. Calm down," Carlisle said.
I glared at him then sank down on the couch beside Jasper. He patted my knee in a comforting manner. I gave him a small smile and leaned against his shoulder, taking comfort from his solid presence.
"You didn't smell anything unusual?" I asked miserably and Jasper put his arm around my shoulders. Out of everyone, he understood what I was feeling the best and not only for the reason that he could feel my emotions.
Carlisle shook his head, "By the time I got to him, what had been left of his clothes had been destroyed and he was already washed and prepped for surgery. It was impossible to smell anything but that. Given the extent and type of damage, it was impossible not to recognize the marks of a vampire. It seemed someone new and out of control – or a revenge killing. It was overly brutal. Rumors are, the police seem to think it is the work of some cannibalistic cult, though their covering it with an animal attack."
"Where did they find him?" Edward asked
Carlisle answered out loud for the benefit of all of us, "In the school yard. It would seem some of the kids found him."
I winced and broke contact with Jasper as I shrank back into the couch. I had only seen one dead body and that one had been close to perfect, I couldn't imagine a group of little kids coming upon a victim of a vampire. I remembered the way the elk I had just killed looked. It wasn't pretty.
"Edward, Emmett, Jasper," the three looked over at Carlisle, "I would like you to go to the school after dark and see what you can find. If there is a trail, track it, if not, we will have to wait and see if anything else happens. Alice, please inform me if you see anything unusual." She nodded her head. 'Sarah," I looked up at my name, "Please, don't go hunting alone until we have this sorted out."
"But I didn't do it, Carlisle." I protested.
He nodded, "I know, but you are still quite new and I would be more comfortable if someone accompanied you on your hunts."
I had little choice, so I sat back, defeated and more than a little depressed, "Alright."
I would stay near, I would agree to his terms and I would pray that whatever this thing was that it wasn't here for me or any of the Cullens and that we would catch it in time if it was.
