"Hmm… it says here that Pit asked for ice cream…."
Master Hand was reading off the list of requested refreshments the smashers gave him whenever the fridge was low. Not that big of a deal, unless you include the fact that the amount of people that resided at Smash Manor went through food QUITE swiftly, and that he was getting a new list just about every other day. The thought crossed his mind of perhaps just getting a bigger fridge.
"…But it also says that he wants it on the floor."
He paused.
"On the floor? What sense does that make?"
The massive hand heard something crash behind him and quickly swiveled around to meet it. In a cloud of dust stood, or rather floated, his brother Crazy Hand. Something red was pinched in his gargantuan fingers.
"HEY BRO! WATCH THIS! I'M SANTA!" The mysterious object revealed itself to be a fire extinguisher, hinges apparently torn from the wall.
"Crazy, what are you- wait, one min- PUT THAT DOWN!"
No use. Crazy Hand sprayed the canister's contents onto his face (Well, what would have been considered his face), leaving a frothy mess all over himself as well as the kitchen.
"TADA! INSTANT BEARD!" He aimed it at Master Hand. "YOUR TURN!"
"AHH!" The huge glove scrambled out of the room, his insane brother hot on his trail.
"YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BE SANTA!" As Crazy Hand chased his relative down the halls, he layered the ceiling and floor in a thick sheet of dry chemicals, giving the impression that a blizzard occurred indoors. However, the canister's contents were finite, and soon ran out.
The insane extremity was utterly dismal as that fact was discovered.
"Aww… that's not fair…"
"FAIR?! YOU MORON YOU ALMOST KILLED ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Master Hand cleared his throat.
"Ahem, sorry. I'm going back to the kitchen. You can come with me IF you can control yourself."
"Mkay."
However, the second the sane hand had turned his back to his brother, Crazy Hand produced five more fire extinguishers, one in each finger. He then proceeded to drown Master Hand.
Feeling accomplished, he darted out of the corridor.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!"
Master Hand groaned. Suddenly, a black, spiked paw was offered to him.
Lucario was standing over him, crimson eyes glinting with steely diligence. He spoke with telepathy.
Need a hand? No pun intended.
Grateful, the huge glove put his thumb in the pokemon's hand, slowly lifting himself into the air once more.
"Thank you."
Of course. I don't think I could deal with… THAT… every day.
"Eh, in a few millennia, you learn to love him."
I'm sure. Weren't you doing something?
If he had a face, the hand would have facepalmed.
"I was. I had to restock the fridge."
Do you require assistance? I don't have much else to do.
He froze for a split second. Lucario wasn't usually this open.
"Sure. Come with me."
The kitchen was a complete MESS. Extinguisher fluid caked the walls and floor, looking like cement now that it had a chance to dry. Any loose object had been cast to the floor, no doubt by the snowy onslaught. Any paper that had been there was thoroughly soaked, including Master Hand's list. It really was a dreadful sight.
Nothing two psychics couldn't handle.
The glove used his magic to move all the chemicals off of the walls and down the drain, picking up anything that had been blasted to the ground. Lucario easily found the list and dried it with an aura flame.
Within a few seconds, the room was spotless.
Lucario glanced to the list.
Does this say "floor ice cream?"
Master Hand nodded.
—
"Otacon, there's no way it's a dude."
Snake was sitting casually on Smash Manor's living room sofa, hissing a heated argument into his communicator. Just outside the glass window you could see Yoshi, being ridden around like a horse by about thirteen Pikmin, who were making a grand escape from Olimar. The soldier and the man on the other end of the phone line simply couldn't agree on what the dinosaur's gender was.
"Seriously, Snake. All of our files here say that it's male. You want to argue with a supercomputer? Be my guest."
"It LAYS EGGS. It's female."
"The thing even says that it's a guy. You're wrong."
"Oh, since when could you understand dinosaur?"
"Hey, watch- okay, you called my bluff."
"It's female."
"Go check the Smash Manor library. I'm sure they have something on him."
"Alright. I will."
He stood and left the room. Naught but a few minutes later, he and his communicator were reading data files, hunched over one of the countless computers the library had to offer.
"Let's see… height, weight, diet, favorite color, place of birth, preferred sandwich type- here we go. Gender."
The static on his com link was the prevalent sound for the next few seconds.
"Well? What does it say?"
"It says it's genderless."
"Genderless? How does that make any sense? How do they repopulate? And it still doesn't explain why they can lay eggs!"
The two's argument didn't have time to spark up again, as Crazy Hand suddenly crashed through the wall, barrel rolling, squealing, and spraying fire extinguishers everywhere.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Was all he said before crashing through another wall, exiting the room in a most spectacular fashion.
Snake sweatdropped.
"Snake? Hello?! What's going on over there? I heard a crash!"
The soldier cleared his throat.
"Nothing unusual."
-—
After about forty minutes of being painstakingly careful, Pit, Link, Marth, and Red finally made it to the kitchen. Ike's anger lasted a bit longer than they thought it would, so they had decided to use the only thing that could calm him other than Peach-and that was food.
Pit opened the fridge and nearly cried. Every kind of food you could imagine had been stuffed into it, from Heart Potions to whole cloves of garlic. He turned to his three companions with watery eyes.
"Hey guys…."
They turned to face him.
"Master Hand restocked the fridge…."
Instantly they forgot why they were there. Huge cheers rang out as the angel, the prince, and the hero dove into the relatively small icebox, wolfing down anything they could get their hands on. Red merely picked up a granola bar and shook his head pathetically. Link and Pit could maybe get away with this behavior, but Marth? Maybe manners hadn't been invented in Altea.
But something caught his eye. Down in the recesses of the fridge, Red spied what appeared to a scarlet bucket, a white-colored man with glasses on the side. Poking out from the rim was a number of chicken legs. It read "KFC" on the side.
Red's stomach growled. Maybe he was hungrier than he thought.
He reached in and picked up the bucket, placing it in the microwave and setting the time for about thirty seconds. Meanwhile, Pit was becoming increasingly interested in something off to the side of the fridge.
He was trembling at the sight of ice cream. Ice cream. ON THE FLOOR.
Marth's head popped up over his shoulder.
"What's that doing there?" He reached to pick it up, only to have his hand slapped back by Pit.
"Don't you dare touch it. It's… it's perfect…."
"What?"
"Allow me to explain:" he swiveled to meet the prince face to face, "You see, friend, floor ice cream gives you- Red… what are you eating?"
All three heads turned to the trainer, who was munching happily on a KFC chicken leg. Link turned pale.
"Red?! What the hell are you doing?! THAT'S IKE'S CHICKEN!"
Red immediately choked. Pit yanked the bucket out his hands, and nearly fainted as he looked inside.
"It's… it's empty."
Link panicked. He began to scream at Red, his face crimson with rage.
"Red, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! NOW WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"
"Not quite!" Marth snapped. Link's anger began to fade as the prince laid out a plan.
"Look-if we can just find Master Hand before Ike finds us, we can have him get another KFC bucket. We give it to Ike, he chills out, PROBLEM SOLVED." He glanced around the room. "But first, I'll need a volunteer."
"For what?" Pit asked.
Marth grinned devilishly.
"Bait."
—
"Ahh… this is nice…."
Master Hand was sitting on one of the lounge chairs around the pool, Lucario beside him. After the fridge had been restocked, the pokemon had offered to instruct the hand on the ways of meditation, to help soothe his nerves caused by dealing with his insane brother. The glove's thumb and little finger were crossed over in front of his palm, giving the impression of folded hands. The silence was only broken by the occasional whisper of Lucario in his thoughts.
Excellent. Clear your mind of all outside distractions. Find your center. Release your troubles. Take a deep breath.
Master Hand did as instructed, heaving a deep sigh, feeling his relaxation overtaking him.
Very good. You're a natural at this.
Quiet dominated the air, settling down on the two as thick as a blanket. Minutes passed. Nothing could break the still peace.
However, something did. Lucario's thoughts sparked as two new auras entered his mind's detection range. Slowly he parted one eye, greeted with the sight of Link being chased by an enraged Ike. He opened his other eye and furrowed his brow.
Interesting… I wonder what-
Three more auras revealed themselves; one of them immortal. The jackal jerked his head towards them, diligent and alerted. No threat was found, merely Marth, Pit, and Red. They looked like they had just seen a ghost.
"Lucario! We need to talk with-"
The pokemon merely closed his eyes and held up his paw.
If you wish to speak with Master Hand, you must wait. He is immersed in meditation. It would be unethical to provoke him.
Before either the prince or the angel could argue, Red wedged his hands between them and split them apart, allowing himself clear passage towards the aura wielder. He stalked up to him, dark storm clouds of malice thundering at his feet. Glaring directly down into Lucario's eyes, his scowl could kill a man. The jackal's hair stood on end as his trainer's expression chilled him to the core. Telepathic conversation was inaudible, but evident.
I-I see… very well. You may disturb him.
Pit and Marth glanced frightenedly to each other.
Lucario stood and left, the menacing teen before him watching him like a hawk.
The prince shook Master Hand out of his daze.
"W-what? What is it?"
"I'm sorry, Master Hand, but we have an urgent favor to ask."
The glove rose into the air.
"O-of course. What do you need of me?"
"You know the KFC bucket you got for Ike?"
Master Hand paused.
"Yes… what of it?"
Only then did he spy the breading crumbs hidden away in the corners of Red's lips.
"…oh…"
With a wave of his finger, a six-piece combo was resting in Marth's hands.
"Thanks."
—
Only a few minutes later, Link burst into the kitchen, panting like a dog. Marth, Red, and Pit were already there, a fresh batch of chicken in Pit's arms. Red leaned the exhausted hero on his shoulder, allowing him to rest. Marth's tone was hurried.
"How long until he gets here?"
Link could barely lift his head to reply.
"Not long. He was right behind me. It should only take him a few seconds."
Sure enough, the fuming swordsman was in the doorway within moments, the unsettling flames of Ragnell throwing out smoky orange rays of holy light.
He grinned maliciously. They were pinned. Nowhere to run.
He raised his beloved sword into the air, poised to attack.
However, just before he could, something utterly delicious was crammed into his mouth by Pit.
He staggered backwards, anger flaring for a split second. Slowly, his senses began to register just what exactly had been shoved into his jaw.
Sweet Ashera, it was chicken.
All rage was drained from his body as he dropped his sword, bringing relief to the four teens in front of him. He wolfed down the piece in his mouth and took a deep breath.
"I. Forgive. All of you."
The massive wind of relieved sighs that emanated from Pit, Link, Marth, and Red nearly knocked the mercenary off his feet. However, some wished they still had that breath in their lungs as Ike crushed them all in a massive bear hug.
"Ike…" Pit whimpered, "c-can't breathe…."
"Heh… sorry, there, buddy." The massive bluenette dropped the four and ruffled the angel's hair.
Pit groaned.
"HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKERS!" Crazy Hand appeared out of freaking nowhere and aimed five fire extinguishers at the boys, laughing maniacally. He released the triggers, allowing a huge wave of dry chemicals to burst forth.
Pit barely got his Mirror Shield out in time.
As the shield flashed, the swamp of white was redirected back at the insane assailant, causing him to squeal.
"NOES! I'VE BEEN SANTATIZED!" The hand screamed, spiraling out of the kitchen and into the hallway wall, leaving a gaping hole.
Marth spoke first.
"Uh…"
Ike threw his hands into the air.
"I don't even wanna know."
CHICKEN SOLVES EVERYTHING!
Oh, that cheeky Crazy Hand… don't worry, we'll be seeing him again soon.
This chapter was kinda meh in my opinion. I really just threw the thing in with Snake for filler content. I'm not a very good writer, am I?
Oh well. Maybe now I can finally get my shit together and get the actual pool party started. Well, we may have to go through a few more misadventures first.
If you're confused about the floor ice cream bit, allow me to explain:
In Kid Icarus Uprising, Palutena says that Pit eats some interesting things off the ground, the reason being that food is the source of more life in the game, and is usually found on the floor. Pit responds with:
"Floor ice cream gives you health!"
And the line spun onto the internet. And we all know what happens when the internet gets its hands on things… *shudders as creepy music plays*
But anyway, sippurp123 requested more Link/Zelda fluff. I'm proud to say that I have something planned. It just won't come immediately.
Well, I think I've wasted enough of your time. Peace!
-Mohawkman2233
