So! I bet you're all wondering what happened to Zelda!

Every Smasher: NO!

Toon Link: Booo! Write a lemon! It's the only thing you're actually good at!

B-but… the story…

Ganondorf: Have Samus seduce and rape Pit!

Everyone: lolwut

Samus: …

Pit: uh…

Link: Just get on with it. This chat session is retarded.

Marth: True dat.

"Honestly, Zel, I can't see why you're so worried."

After the princess had run off, she and Samus had found each other and returned to Zelda's dorm. Samus was simply chilling on the bed while the sorceress may as well of been having a heart attack. She was hidden away in her bathroom, refusing to come out in her new swimsuit.

"But Samus! I look horrible! This isn't me! I belong in a dress; this is too…"

"Zelda, I'm sure you look fine."

"It doesn't work with me! I can't wear this! I'm not slutty like you!"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Er, I mean, I'm not as good looking as you! And what if Link hates it?!"

"He won't. Trust me."

"I'm not coming out."

Samus stood.

"Oh, I think you are."

"Wha-"

Within the time span of about three seconds, Samus had picked the bathroom lock with a bobby pin, shot her hand through the door, grabbed Zelda's arm and dragged her out into the hall. The princess squealed and crossed her arms over her chest, her lavender one-piece all that concealed her. She felt so exposed, so vulnerable. So cold. Why the hell was it so cold in here?!

The huntress merely shook her head and shut the door.

"Really, Zel, you look great."

"No I don't! I can't let anyone see me like this!"

"I can."

While Samus and the princess had about the same figure, Samus was much stronger and athletic. Bolting behind her friend, she scooped her up into her arms with little difficulty. Zelda kicked and squealed like an infuriated toddler, but only to have the result of a chuckle from Samus. She was carried out of the hall, down the stairs, through the glass doors of the dorm building, and off in the direction of the pool area. The princess fought with all her might, but to no effect. Truly, nothing could escape Samus Aran.

"Samus! Put me down!" She practically screamed.

"Not until Link sees how cute you are!" She replied, her voice choked with laughter.

"NO! I don't want him to see me! Not like this! Samus?! SAMUS?!"

The huntress couldn't reply. She was laughing too hard. Zelda certainly was a feisty one, but when she wasn't using any magic, she was really no threat. Even now her dainty little hands were basically crumbling as she tried to force herself out of Samus's grip. No wonder she got kidnapped as often as she did; there was nothing to her! The blonde was barely even trying, and still she had no trouble.

Both heads jumped towards the kitchen building as Crazy Hand crashed out of it, soaked in extinguisher fluid. As he flew by, Samus could hear him bawling and wailing like a newborn. She looked back to Zelda, who was just as bewildered as she was.

"I think we should check it out."

"NO! PUT ME DOWN! I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T LET GO OF ME I WILL BURN OUR ROOM AND ALL YOUR CLOTHES!"

Samus gave Zelda a look that read: What. The. Fuck.

"I'll take my chances. Come on."

The hole in the wall was actually quite expansive, large enough for the two to come in with ease. Just as Samus stepped inside, a sweet, high-pitched voice resounded behind them.

"Lady of the Stars! What happened out here?"

The princess and the huntress turned to face Peach, who had strolled up behind them and was gawking at their chosen way of entry. Now she, like Samus, had been outfitted for the pool; the only difference being that her cover-up was hot pink. As she tore her eyes from the crippled wall, she furrowed her brow at the sight of Zelda in the other blonde's arms.

"What's wrong, Zel? Can't you walk? I know you're a princess, but-"

"Oh, she can walk. But she wouldn't come out of her bathroom. She thinks she looks awful."

"That's because I do! Don't take me to see Link! PLEASE!"

Peach thought it was hilarious.

"Actually, that's a great idea! Need any help?"

"PEACH!"

"Yeah, sure. Take her arm. We can walk her the rest of the way."

"WHAT?! NO!"

Samus dropped Zelda to her feet, Peach immediately taking hold of her left arm. The huntress took her right.

"Sweetie, why are you worrying so much?" Peach cooed. "You look great!"

"NO! PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME- S-SAMUS!" The poor thing started to cry. The blonde princess looked over to the huntress, her eyes slightly overcome with sadness. Samus merely shrugged and pulled them along. All Zelda needed to be shown was how good she actually looked, then she wouldn't be so self-conscious. Taking her to see Link would do just that. Luckily for Samus, the kitchen was probably the first place that the Hero of Time would go.

As the three stepped into the hallway, the first thing they noticed was that they probably should have watched exactly where they stepped into the hallway. Dry chemicals were plastered on nearly every inch of the walls, floor, even the ceiling. Any potted plants had been shattered, scattered dirt soaking up unsettling amounts of the white froth. Paintings had been thrown from their hanging points, all thoroughly drenched. Samus picked up her foot and brushed the foam off of it.

"Yikes."

They tiptoed carefully toward the kitchen, cautiously stepping over and around any puddles of extinguisher fluid. The smell was nauseating.

However, there was an even worse smell emanating from the door that led into their destination.

As Samus popped her head into the kitchen, she barely had enough time to duck under a rouge splotch of mashed potatoes that had been thrown at a ridiculous speed. The other two girls quickly surrounded her, all looking into the room with gaping mouths.

It was an all-out food war. Link and Pit were entrenched on the left side of the kitchen, Ike and Marth on the right. Two tables were propped up in front of each group, serving as some makeshift barricade. The fridge was wide open, completely drained of its contents. Every kind of food imaginable had been splattered on the walls, the floor, and especially the barriers. Ike's KFC bucket was on the mercenary's head, serving the dignified role of an army helmet. Cakes, fruits, desserts, even different kinds of meat were being thrown back and forth. A steak deviated from its intended path as Marth knocked it away…

… right into Samus's face.

"Ow!"

Everyone stopped. Steaks didn't say "ow."

All eyes turned to the huntress, massively wide in both fear and guilt. Samus peeled the steak off her features, her expression promising death. Marth began to sweat as the blonde took a step forward.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Until she had planted herself next to Pit, hidden away and crouching down behind the flipped table.

That steak suddenly found its new home. Marth's face.

The war resumed. Samus's long, powerful arms gave the angel and the hero quite the advantage; she was accurate as hell. It wasn't long before Ike gestured for Peach to come over to their side; they were losing badly. She squealed as she dove behind the table, grabbing an orange and throwing it into Link's eye.

Link fell over, but either from laughter or pain nobody really knew.

"We got a man down!" Pit shouted, motioning for Samus to cover him while he tended to the wounded. There was really no injury, but hey, may as well play up the drama.

"Augggh… I'm dying! Oh sweet Fayore, I'm dying!"

"Link!" Pit lifted the Hylian into his arms. "No! Don't go into the light!"

Ike, Peach, and Marth stopped throwing; they were on the floor in hysterics.

"It's too late for me… Pit… nnrrgh… tell Zelda… tell-"

He opened one eye to make sure Zelda was in the doorway. Only her head was visible, but that was enough.

"Tell Zelda I loved her…"

"No! It's- you're gonna be alright! Link! We'll fix you up! And then we can go home! And we can eat ice cream! Just like we used to! Come on, Link! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to Zelda!"

Both he and Link could hardly keep a straight face. Even Samus was losing it. She lifted her head up to the princess.

"Zelda! You're just going to let him die?! Come give him a parting kiss!"

Ike could barely breathe.

Zelda cowered back into hall, shaking her head no. Under normal circumstances she would have played along, but she couldn't let Link see her. Not now.

"Come on Zel!" Peach giggled. "Let a man die happy!"

Link murmured again.

"Oh, if only I could see her… one last time…"

"Oh, Palutena-"Pit looked to the ceiling and spoke in a preacher's voice. "Why must this man die alone?"

Marth pounded his fist against the floor, unable to think straight.

"ZELDA! GET IN HERE!" Samus shouted.

The princess squeezed her eyes shut. Just run in, peck him on the lips, run out. His eyes were closed anyway, he would never see her. Clenching her fists, she bolted into the room and placed her mouth over his, barely making contact at all.

What Zelda didn't count on, however, was Link's sudden resurrection.

His arms flew around the sorceress before she could make her escape, pulling her lips back into his for the world's sloppiest kiss. Link bounded out of Pit's arms and on top of Zelda, his tongue dancing gracefully around in her mouth. She melted into him, her own arms grasping his bare back. Pit stood.

"It's a miracle!"

Link's mind began to register what he felt under his fingertips. The usually fluffy, soft ruffles and laces of her dress were absent; the only thing he could feel was a silky smooth layer of latex. Slowly his eyes parted, and without even breaking the lip lock, swept up and down her body.

So THAT'S why she was so embarrassed.

As Zelda opened her eyes, she saw that Link could see her. Instantly she drew away, her arms crossed sheepishly and her back to him. She whimpered fearfully, afraid of the harsh laughter that she was sure would follow.

But no. Nothing. The only thing that changed was the appearance of Link's hand on her exposed shoulder. He turned her around, his eyes sparking with reassurance and awe. Softly he hugged her, a deep sigh flowing from his throat. Her mewling ceased. He had accepted her.

Little did she know that he would have accepted her even if she had been wearing a used garbage bag.

The scene was truly touching. Samus was the only one to break the silence.

"Wow."

She looked to Pit playfully.

"I don't suppose you've suffered a fatal wound, have you?"

Pit shrugged, grinning.

"Maybe."

What happened to Pit next is best summed up in the word: GLOMP.

Ike pulled Peach into his arms, running his hands through the princess's blonde hair. She fell limp, resting her head against his broad chest.

Marth crossed his arms and scowled. Who the hell was going to hug him?!

Suddenly he remembered his wedding ring.

Oh yeah… forgot about that for a second.

He spoke emotionlessly.

"So who's going to clean this up?"

Everyone (except Marth) said in unison:

"Not it."

Marth facepalmed.

"Dammit."

Toon Link: … Well, that was kind of a lemon.

Ganondorf: BOOO! I wanted someone to get raped!

Can someone beat him up please.

Link: *cracks knuckles* Gladly.

Ganondorf: Wuh-oh.

Sorry this one was a bit short. I hope I made up for it with how funny it was.

Poor Zelda… so self-conscious… yet so pretty… actually, the Zelink fluff I had here wasn't what I was talking about in the last chapter. So… guess what? MORE FLUFF IS TO COME!

Marth is married, right? I remember reading somewhere that he was, but I can't be bothered to check.

Now readers, here's the thing. I have loads of ideas for this main group (Pit, Marth, Link, Ike, Samus, Peach, and Zelda) and I'm not saying that I haven't thought this through, but if you want, throw me a group of Smash characters that you want to see something hilarious happen to. Heck, I'll even take requests. I want this story to be interactive, user-friendly, if you will. But do keep pairings to a minimum. Even though I don't.

Oh, and apparently just because I have nothing to do this summer doesn't mean I'll actually update any faster. I guess I'm just slow because I'm slow.

Be sure to check out the new monthly poll! (Or don't... I really don't care... it's not really that interesting anyway...)

Until next time!

-Mohawkman2233

(P.S. Just realized that the baby name for Ike and Mia, the sword girl from F.E. P.o.R and R.D., sounds like IKEA. Lol.)