A/N – Thanks for the wonderful reviews on the first chapter! I am working on a Season 6 sequel that will likely be in two parts, but first, Kensi and Deeks need to talk. I didn't want to just jump into Season 6 without some sort of closure to what happened in Season 5/in the first chapter. This picks up the morning after the first chapter. It's pure speculation about a conversation that I think Deeks and Kensi must have had at some point after Deep Trouble (and just as with the first chapter, we're pretending that Kensi and Talia didn't fight or become friends because I wrote a good chunk of this before the premiere).
Disclaimer – As awesome as it would be, I still own nothing related to NCIS:LA
At 6am on Saturday morning, Kensi is wide awake and with the sun already peeking through the curtains, there's no way she's getting back to sleep today. Cursing herself for letting her mind run so wild that she couldn't catch up on the sleep she desperately needs, she reaches over to check her phone, trying to ignore the pang of disappointment when she doesn't see any texts from Deeks.
It's not like him to give her so much space when he knows something is bothering her. It used to annoy her, how much he pushes, but last night she had a revelation that she actually wants him to push, to ignore her attempts of keeping him at arm's length when she's feeling troubled or angry. She craves his persistence because then she doesn't feel so alone.
After her hours of solitude and reflection last night, she is mentally and emotionally exhausted, but sitting around her apartment is the last thing she wants to do. She needs to talk to Deeks and the sooner the better. Knowing that if the waves are any good today, he's probably getting ready to go surfing, she quickly pushes herself off the bed, pulls her hair into a messy ponytail, and heads out the door. She doesn't even stop for coffee before pulling up to Deeks' place, afraid that if she wastes even a second, he will be gone before she gets there.
Kensi puts the car in park and suddenly finds herself unable to leave the car. She had been so anxious to get here but now all of her emotions from the previous night are rushing back to her and she realizes she doesn't even have much of a plan. What is she going to say to him? She needs answers but isn't sure she even knows the questions. For so long, if there was one part of their "thing" that she was sure of, it was how Deeks felt. They may have never really talked about it, but he made it clear in the things that he said and the things that he did. And now, she doesn't know how he feels and that unsettles her more than anything else. She decides that the only thing she can do is knock on his door and hope that she can figure out what to say when she sees him.
Lying in bed, Deeks had hoped to still be asleep, getting some much needed rest after chasing down the hijacked sub that contained a trapped Callen and Sam. It's a beautiful morning, probably great for catching a few waves, but he hasn't quite decided if he wants to leave the warm confines of his pillows and comforter.
His mind inevitably drifts to his partner – just like it always seems to do – but lately, and especially this week, his mind is full of worry when it comes to Kensi. Things between them have gone in about five different directions in the past year and this week hadn't helped anything. He knows they should talk but he needs some time to think first, and since he does some of his best thinking out on the ocean, he makes a quick decision to head to the beach for a couple of hours.
Deeks rolls himself out of bed, pulls on a t-shirt and his board shorts and makes is way to the kitchen for some coffee and a quick breakfast. As he waits for the coffee machine to stop sputtering, he is so caught up in his thoughts that the quiet, hesitant knock on his front door catches him by surprise, though he knows immediately who it is, despite the early hour. He lets out a small sigh of relief that she is here because given how quickly Kensi had disappeared from the boatshed last night, he had assumed that he would be the one knocking on her door, pushing her to talk to him, just like he always does.
Something, or more like someone, had gotten to her this week and he had been able to practically see her mind racing with unasked questions. But when she booked it out of the boatshed without so much as a glance in his direction, he had started mentally preparing himself to tackle the task of getting her to open up to him. Four years into their partnership, friendship, and whatever else this thing is, and he can't remember the last time he's been so unsure of where they stand and the worst part is, he's the reasons they're in this state of uncertainty.
He pours the coffee into two mugs and then grabbing his own, he walks out of the kitchen and toward the door. As he reaches to unlock the door, he can't help but worry about what is awaiting him on the other side; they are way past the point of knocking on each other's doors, and he knows it can't be a good sign that she didn't simply let herself in. Uncertain which of the various moods of Kensi he is about to encounter, he takes a deep breath and pulls the door open.
Standing on his doorstep is the one version her he was not expecting to see – a despondent, unsettled Kensi. It's something he can remember seeing only twice before in their partnership – during the Clairmont case two years ago and again just a couple of months ago after they had rescued her from the Taliban. It's this side of her that breaks his heart because things are very rarely so bad that she lets those emotions take her over.
Still wearing the same yoga pants and old LAPD shirt of his that she'd been wearing since last night, she is feeling unsure of her presence at his place and he hates the sadness he can see in her eyes. Sensing that she has something she wants to say, Deeks keeps quiet as he steps to the side, silently inviting her in. When she doesn't immediately come into his apartment, he gives her a shy smile and starts back toward the kitchen to get her the other mug of coffee. He only makes it a few steps when he hears the door shut and when he turns around, she is leaning against the back of the door, head down, with her dark curls falling out of her haphazard ponytail.
"What happened, Deeks?" Kensi asks, eyes never leaving the floor and voiced so quietly that Deeks isn't sure if he was even supposed to hear her question.
"What made you stop fighting for us?" And though she tries to hide it, he can hear the hurt and rejection in her words.
When he doesn't respond right away, Kensi can't stop the next words before they fall out of her mouth.
"Is it Talia?" she says so quickly, it almost sounds like one word.
She can't bring herself to look at him. She knows, deep down, that nothing happened with Talia; that Deeks wouldn't have done that to her, to them, but she's grasping at whatever she can that might explain why they're in limbo right now and she needs his reassurance.
"Oh Kens." he lets out with a sigh.
He puts his coffee down and quickly makes his way over to stand in front of her. Gently tilting her chin up so that he can look into her eyes, he emphatically shakes his head.
"No. No no no. It's always you; it's always going to be you. I just need to get my head on straight."
He is looking at her with an expression that Kensi can only describe as desperation; begging for her to believe him.
Her gaze lingers on his face for a second before she sighs and gives an imperceptible nod.
"Okay," a tiny hint disbelief in her voice and the unmistakable sight of tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. She quickly averts her gaze away from his, knowing she isn't going to be able to hold back the tears much longer if she keeps looking at him
"Kensi, look at me please."
Deeks pleads as he gently pulls her head back up and places his hands on either side of her face so that she can't look away.
"I promise you, nothing happened with Talia. My heart belongs to you – I think it has for a long time. I'm just not in a place yet where I can give you all that you deserve; I can't give you all of me. And that's what I want you to have; it's what you deserve. I swear to you, I'm working as hard as I can to get there. I hate to see you doubting what you mean to me, because you…"
His words trail off while he takes a second to regain what little composure he has left. He needs Kensi to hear this loud and clear.
"…you are everything and I can't screw this up."
Kensi loses the battle with her tears then, both for the relief she feels at his words and the conviction behind them and for the ache that still has a hold of her heart for the mess that their "thing" has become.
Never one to be able to handle seeing her in tears, Deeks instinctively pulls her to his chest and wraps his arms around her shoulders. Despite the current state of chaos their relationship is in, Kensi can't help the fleeting moment of peace she feels as he embraces her. She responds by snaking her arms around his waist and tries to control the sobs she's crying into his shoulder. They stay that way for several minutes until Kensi's tears finally stop and she looks up at him. He presses a soft kiss to the crown of her head and puts his forehead to hers, soaking in their closeness; it's been too long since he's held her and he isn't ready for it to end.
Kensi sighs and pulls away from him, making her way to the couch. She sits sideways with one leg pulled under her and looks up at him, feeling more confident in what she wants to say now.
"Then what was it, Deeks? I know I had to leave without getting to talk to you, but I thought we were in a good place and I know things were messy in Afghanistan and that coming home was an adjustment, especially for me. And I know Agent Angelo said some things that got to you, but I still can't figure this out."
Deeks settles down next to her on the couch, mirroring her position so that he can look at her and reaches for the hand in her lap, lacing their fingers together.
"I owe you an explanation, something beyond returned knives and mating raccoons," he chuckles nervously before continuing, "it isn't fair to you that I haven't told you everything."
"So talk to me, Deeks," Kensi says quietly, as she stares at their intertwined fingers, "maybe I can help."
Risking a glance up at her partner, she sees those ocean blue eyes regarding her with such affection; she wonders how she could ever question what he feels for her, despite everything that has happened.
Deeks is quiet for several long moments. When he finally does speak, he's the one now staring at their hands, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. The words that slip out aren't exactly what Kensi was expecting to hear.
"It was Afghanistan."
"A-Af…w-what? What happened in Afghanistan?"
Kensi knows that she isn't aware of everything that led to her rescue and until this moment, she hasn't really had any desire to know. She is alive, she is home, and that has been good enough for her; she just wants to move on.
Before she can stop herself, she's thinking back that last day in Afghanistan, remembering how she stood outside the medical tent at Camp Chapman watching as Deeks made his way toward her while Jack walked away. Her head jerks up at the thought of Jack. Did Deeks think…is that what this is about?
Reaching over with her free hand, she rubs his forearm and breaks the strained silence between them.
"Is this about Jack? Deeks, you need to know that he's out of my life. He isn't coming back, at least not to me, and I don't want him to. He knew about you; I talked to him about you. I finally got closure about him leaving but I know things probably looked…"
"Kensi," Deeks interrupts her rambling with a terse shake of his head, "it's not about Jack. But, uh, that's good to know; that you got closure. I'm glad."
He squeezes her hand and takes a deep breath to prepare himself to get this over with.
"After we interviewed Angelo, and you told me that you would never let me get burned—"
"And you said that the problem was that I would be the reason it happened in the first place," Kensi finishes.
"Right. And at the time, I wasn't ready for you to know what I meant by that or that I could already see it so clearly in my mind because of what had already happened."
He pauses, taking a few deep breaths as Kensi watches him struggle to hold himself together. She shifts closer to him and rests her head on his shoulder as their joined hands remain between them in his lap. After another minute or so, he closes his eyes and starts speaking again.
"In Afghanistan, Sam and Callen made me stay behind to go talk to some blind cleric who we thought might have some connection to the Taliban. I couldn't believe they wanted me to just sit in this guy's house, asking questions, while you were God knows where, needing us to find you. I tried to protest but it was clear that I didn't have a choice and then they were gone.
I questioned the man for what seemed like ages and he wasn't giving us anything. And I was just so…frustrated and impatient and worried. At some point, Hetty called and I begged her for good news. I was so desperate to hear that we had gotten you back or at least knew where you were. She, uhh, she told me that Callen and Sam had found a picture…"
Deeks trails off, unable to hold back the tears as he remembers that moment so clearly. It's one he can't get out of his head no matter how hard he tries to remind himself that it wasn't real. He unlinks his hand from Kensi's and moves to wrap his arms around her to pull her tightly against him, needing the strength she gives him in order to keep going.
"…a picture," he exhales, "that made it look like you were dead. She tried to assure me that they weren't convinced the picture was real but I needed to see it. She hesitated for a second, but I demanded they send it to me."
Kensi, with tears in her eyes, lets out a deep breath.
"Oh Deeks."
"It looked real, Kensi. It looked so real. And it broke me. My whole world felt like it was crashing down around me and I needed someone to suffer the way I was suffering, the way I thought you had suffered. God, Kens, I was so lost and mad and that damn cleric wasn't giving me any answers and I just couldn't hold it together anymore."
Feeling the anger and desperation threatening to surface, Deeks shifts a bit and lets his head fall onto the back of the couch as he stares at the ceiling and tries to gather the courage to keep going. His fear isn't that Kensi won't understand – he thinks she will; that she isn't going to judge him – but he has yet to say these words out loud to anyone and that scares him, because that makes it real. It makes it impossible to pretend it didn't happen.
"I uh, I…God, I started waterboarding him, screaming at him to give me the name of his contact in the Taliban. It…after a few seconds, I realized what I was doing and I dropped the bucket. I held him and apologized over and over. I hated myself for what I had been doing; after everything I've been through, that is what I'd turned to, even if just for that brief moment. In the end, I didn't even need him to give me any information – Makar and I figured it out based on some seemingly unimportant detail he had mentioned when we first got there – so it was all for nothing."
He moves to get off the couch then, not wanting to look at Kensi, but she grabs his arm and stands with him. Reaching for his hands, she grasps them and gives them a squeeze, and waits for his eyes to meet hers.
"I'm so sorry, Deeks. I'm sorry you were put in that position. I'm sorry you've been hating yourself ever since. But I know you, I know that's not who you really are. Don't push me away because you think I won't understand."
Deeks lets out a long, slow breath as he sees the sincerity and determination in Kensi's gaze. That is what he's needed to hear, but it still doesn't help him to feel better about what Angelo had said to them.
"That's not really it, Kens. It's just…it was that moment, when I realized what I was doing to him, that I recognized I was in this so much deeper than I thought. I learned that the lengths I would go to for you went beyond just having your back and keeping you safe. I thought you were dead and I was, for a moment, ready to kill him just because I wanted someone else to feel my pain. That's exactly what I saw in Angelo – someone willing to go against everything he knew to be right, for someone he loves, no matter what it cost him. And I don't how to get past that. I want to, so badly, but I don't know how."
Kensi looks down at their hands for a few moments, trying to sort out what she thinks Deeks needs to hear right now. His revelations about what happened in Afghanistan break her heart; not because of what he had done, but because of what that had done to him. She understands so much better now why he panicked after their interview with Angelo, but she also understands that drawing this imaginary line between them doesn't suddenly mean those fears will go away.
"Deeks," she starts softly, "I get it. I really do. But does backing away from us change that? Does it make you feel any differently about me or what you would do for me?"
He's looking at her like he hadn't thought of it in that way before. He knows she's right, that stepping back doesn't change the fact that he would still do anything for her. Kensi seems to sense what he's thinking and continues.
"You know what I think? I think that you've seen your breaking point now, and you're not giving yourself enough credit. You're focusing on what you started doing instead of focusing on the fact that you stopped."
Kensi pauses to let her words sink in and she lets out a small sigh when she can see some of the tension leave his face. Reaching up to stroke his stubbled cheek, she smiles when he closes his eyes and leans into her touch.
"I know you're scared, Deeks, but I believe that being so aware of these limits is a good thing. I think it means you won't let it get so far next time. You have to believe that, and when you are struggling, you come to me, because I believe that."
Unable to stand the few inches of space between them anymore, Deeks grabs her waist and pulls her into him. Letting out a deep breath, she sinks into him as he tightens his arms around her.
"Thank you," he whispers into her hair, "I think it's going to take a little time, but, looking at it a different way helps. And I didn't realize how much better I was going to feel just talking about it."
Lifting her head off of his chest and pulling back just enough to look at him, Kensi wants to reassure him that she's not pushing.
"I'm not saying we need to jump back into our thing today or tomorrow or even a month from now. You promised to be patient with me and I will promise you the same. Just promise me something else. Promise that you won't give up on us? You can talk to me whenever you need a sounding board and I'm sure Hetty could get you in touch with Nate if you need someone else to talk to. But don't push me away, because I don't want to lose what we have while we're trying to figure out whatever else we could be."
Deeks smiles down at her, the first real smile she's seen from him today, and he nods.
"I promise, Fern."
Kensi shakes her head, a small smile on her face, and pulls away from their embrace.
"Good. Now, enough talking, I'm starving. Go make me some pancakes."
"You just don't want to lose me making you breakfast all the time," he chuckles, comforted by how quickly they can fall back into their normal exchanges.
Kensi offers him a slight smile as she sinks down onto the couch and shrugs.
"Yeah, something like that."
Stealing one last glance at his partner, best friend, and hopefully someday, something more, he wanders into the kitchen to make their breakfast.
Angelo may have had a point about getting burned for being too close, but he was also right about something else – Kensi gives him strength and her belief in him makes him believe in himself. If they lean on each other, maybe they can put the pieces of their thing back together.
