So, yeah, it's like 11:39 on Christmas Eve, and I can't sleep. So…
FANFICTION!
This one's gonna have some more thought put into it. And by thought, I mean Crazy Hand.
Link was strutting down one of the hallways of Smash Manor's East Wing, swinging the Master Sword carelessly around. He was beyond bored. Nobody was available to do anything. Ike was busy back home at Castle Crimea, trying to explain some footage that had been taken of him dancing with Peach to Queen Elincia. Marth was off helping out Master Hand like the little teacher's pet he was (Link scoffed at this) by finishing up some of the Manor's old paperwork. Peach had gone to look for Samus, and Pit was nowhere to be found. Even Zelda had something to do, something about letting her "dark side" loose to help out a friend. The Hero sighed.
A fluttery, cerulean ball of light whizzed out of his hat.
"Good morning!" Came a tiny, squeaky little voice.
Link smiled, poking at the light as it buzzed energetically around his finger.
"Well, hey there, Navi."
"Hey! Stop that!" The fairy giggled as Link tenderly pinched her little side. "That tickles!"
He lowered his hand, his grin growing just a tad.
"So what's up?" Navi soared a few laps around the hero's head and landed on the point of his ear. She leaned against his shimmering, golden hair as she took a seat.
Link sighed.
"Oh, not much. Everyone's busy, and the Brawls aren't until this afternoon. I don't really have anything to do."
Navi scoffed and flew up right into Link's face, close enough to where he could see her condescendingly fasten her hands to her hips.
"Aren't YOU in the Brawls today, mister?" She nagged with a sisterly tone in her voice.
Link cracked a small chuckle.
"Yeah, so? What's your point?"
Navi pouted, whizzed up to the Hylian's crown, and began to tug on his hat.
"That means you should be TRAINING, buster! You're not gonna get soft and get your butt kicked, are you?"
Link laughed a little harder.
"What makes you think I would? Don't worry Navs, I think I can handle this."
If one had a keen enough eye, they would be able to make out the nigh-invisible blush burning on Navi's miniscule cheekbones.
"I'm sorry, WHAT did you just call me? And honestly, if you don't start training, you'll never win this tournament!"
Link shrugged.
"I dunno, training sounds like a lot of work. Plus…"
He struck a sexy pose.
"…I'm pretty cut already…"
Navi growled as Link fell over laughing.
She landed on the bridge of his nose and smacked him on the cheek. Well, smacked him is a relative term, LIGHTLY PATTED him is more like it.
"Get up, doofus. I'm not going to let you slack off just because you have a free moment. Come on. Off to the gym with you."
Link composed himself and stood, heaving a sigh.
"Alright, fifteen minutes on the bench press. Will that please you, your highness?"
Navi grunted.
"Sure does. NOW GO!"
Link slung the Master Sword over his shoulder and about-faced, backtracking to the gym. But before he could move two feet, Navi piped up again.
"Hey! Listen!"
The hero froze. His pointed, Hylian ears honed themselves to the encompassing silence, searching for a sound.
"I…I don't…"
"Shh! Now! Do you hear it?"
Sure enough, after a few seconds, Link's ears began to pick something up. Something that sounded like someone singing…
…and singing GOOD.
Following his ears, Link stalked down the labyrinth of corridors with Navi floating at his side, the soft whisper of her twinkling wings making it a bit hard to decipher the sound. He made a few twists and turns, the singing gradually becoming more and more audible. He turned a final corner to the source of the voice…
Finding an open door to Crazy Hand's room.
Intrigued, Link peered inside the lavish, somehow undestroyed dorm, finding it completely devoid of any giant, floating, psychopathic extremities. All the curtains were drawn, the bed was made, and everything was in a surprisingly neat order. Not a light was on…
…save for the bathroom light.
A few beams of luminance were streaking through a crack in the bathroom door, spreading out over the fluffy, luxurious carpet. The singing was definitely coming from in there.
Oh no… Link thought …this better not be what I think it is…
Taking a few steps forward, he pushed into the room, Navi resting on his shoulder. She whispered warily to the hero.
"Link, I don't really think we should be doing this. This seems pretty private…"
Link whispered back to her, a hint of mischief flavoring his words.
"If it was private, he wouldn't have left the door open. Come on, what's the harm? We'll only peek."
Tiptoeing ever so carefully across the soundless carpet, the hero made his way across the room, finally making landfall at the bathroom entrance. Wedging his hands through the crack in the doorway, he pushed the door just a tiny more ajar, giving himself a fuller view of the situation.
"…sweet Nayru…"
None other than Crazy Hand himself was floating in front of the bathroom mirror, dancing around sporadically and screeching Con Bro Chill's "We Should Hang Out" in perfect key. An IPod was plugged into a speaker on the counter and was blasting the song, providing nothing more than backup. A towel had been piled up on the pinnacle of his middle finger, like he had just gotten out of the shower. He had a hairbrush pinched between his fingers like a makeshift microphone. His voice was deafening.
"WHAT IS YO NAME? IT'S SO REFRESHING YOU DON'T LOOK PLASTIC! THAT'S NICE TO SAY, I BET YOU THINK I LOOK SO FANTASTIC! WHEN I FEEL GREAT, I FLASH MY FEATHERS JUST LIKE A PEACOCK! THE THING I'LL DO…DON'T YOU KNOW ALWAYS START WITH SWEET TALK-"
Link nearly had to wring his own neck to keep himself from laughing. Navi had fluttered up into his hat, and he could feel her rolling around on his head in hysterics. The Hero ducked out of the doorway and fell to the floor, desperate to keep his presence surreptitious.
The two gasped for breath as the Hand just kept on singing, oblivious that his cover was blown. Navi crawled out of the recesses of Link's forest-green cap and flopped down on the carpet.
"Yeah, Link, I'm pretty sure that would be considered PRIVATE."
The Hylian shuffled to his feet, hands rooting around in his adventure pouch.
Navi sat up and cocked her head.
"Link…what are you doing?"
"SHH! This is an opportunity I DO NOT want to miss!"
"Wha-?"
Navi's eyes widened as Link produced a video camera from the depths of his pouch.
Instantly she rocketed up to the peak of his nose.
"Link, ARE YOU INSANE?! Don't video tape him! It's not right!"
"Neither is me not charging rent for this prime piece of land you're squatting on." He patted his head and sneered. "But I do it anyway! Come on! This is gold!"
Like an honorary member of the creepy, celebrity-stalking paparazzi, Link tiptoed up to the door again and switched the camera on. Carefully he wedged it through the crack in the doorway and lowered it to the floor, so that Crazy Hand wouldn't be able to see it in the mirror's reflection. He angled it upwards, getting a better shot of the spastic glove as he pirouetted about the bathroom.
"Wait till the guys get a load of this…"
A little later that day, Pit had been released from Samus's teasing clutches, and was allowed leave of her room to pathetically piece together the miniscule shreds of dignity he had scattered on the shag carpet.
Truthfully, he knew, Samus didn't mean anything by her taunting and torment. It was only her way of punishing the people she liked enough to keep alive. If anyone other than Pit had put her in that wheelchair, they'd breathe their last breath the second she could walk again. But Pit was quite precious to her, therefore she'd make him pay in the most painless way possible. Well, painless in a physical sense. What she would do is take advantage of his innocence, childlike nature, and utter susceptibility to any sort of embarrassment, and then make him writhe with mortification, mainly using the sexual side of her arsenal. Complex, thorough, and quite effective. Pit didn't know whether to run and hide from her or keep coming back for more.
Samus had been giving him an erotic tongue bath while the two were secluded in the shower when the angel had finally taken all he could stand. He had escaped by the skin of his teeth, bolting out of the huntress's grasp when she decided to reach for the soap. The loosened grip on him allowed him to leap out of her hold, grab his clothes, equip himself in the blink of an eye, and then bolt out of the room, sopping wet the whole way. Samus didn't bother to give chase. She decided that he had had enough for today.
Pit leaned against the door and took a huge gasp of breath. A minute longer with that mad woman and he might have had a stroke.
Catching his breath, he staggered mindlessly down the hallway, aimlessly meandering to wherever might bring him some relaxation.
An announcement buzzed onto the intercom.
Your attention, please. All Smashers please report to the Battle Hall. Today's matches will be starting in five minutes. Repeat, the matches will be starting in five minutes. Please report to the Battle Hall immediately. Thank you.
Pit's eyes widened. Guess what he forgot to train for?
"Sweet Palutena! I'm going to be late!"
And with those words, he kicked the Wings of Pegasus into action and rocketed out of the hallway, neglecting to remember anyone who might have been stranded in the shower…
Pit drew a few heads to his attention as he barreled through the Battle Hall spectator doors. Impressively landing on his feet and withdrawing his exhausted wings, he regained his composure and straightened his toga. Many of the Smashers were already seated. He strolled up to the back row and established himself in a seat right next to Sonic. The hedgehog gave him a thumbs up. The angel smiled back. He was far from early, but he wasn't late.
Master Hand materialized in front of the podium like he always did. He floated up to it, adjusted the microphone (like he needed it) and bellowed across the expansive collection of Smashers.
"Will the following Smashers please report to the teleportation pads…"
"You guys ready for this?"
Link, Ike, and Marth were whispering to each other in the shadows of the curtain-enclosed section of the Battle Hall's stage. Marth, who was somehow the technically-adept one of the bunch, was fiddling with the wires on the viewing screen's control mechanisms. Link and Ike were as giddy as little girls.
"Hell yes!" Ike murmured back. "This is the coolest thing we've ever done! It was totally worth sneaking out of Castle Crimea!"
"Honestly, you guys." Marth sighed. "Why the hell do you always drag me into these things? We really shouldn't be doing this, we're going to get beaten up, or worse. How'd you even get footage of-?"
"Nevermind that! Are we good to go or not?!"
Marth finished hooking up Link's video camera and set it down on the floor. He flipped to the video of the Hero's choosing and got everything ready to play.
Once all was set, he sighed.
"Yeah…we're all set."
"Let's do this."
"Yoshi."
The dinosaur stood a little shakily from his seat and waddled up to the platforms.
"Snake."
The soldier cracked his knuckled, stood, and followed.
"Pit."
The now relaxed, composed angel leapt out his seat and into the air, fluttering over the heads of the Smashers below. He landed soundlessly on one of the cyan, pulsing circles.
"And Link."
No response.
Master Hand looked around the dead-quiet room.
"Er…Link?"
Still nothing.
Some of the Smasher's heads swiveled around on their shoulders, searching for the absent Hero of Time.
But he was nowhere to be found.
Master Hand gave his equivalent of a shrug.
"Alright then…I suppose he forfeits."
He turned to the other Smashers.
"The match will proceed as usual, only with three contend-"
A resounding CRASH exploded from the left wall; flying debris and a huge wave of dust descending on the gathered fighters like rocky rainwater. An ear-piercing screech hammered on everyone's ear drums.
Crazy Hand had entered the building.
He plummeted to the stage like a meteor from outer space, covered in filth and dirt. As the cloud around himself settled, the deranged glove screamed at the crowd.
"ERERYBURDY! YUR COOPCAKES ARE BENN ENDANGEREED! I BEEN FRAMED!"
Nobody spoke for a few seconds. Master Hand floated up to his brother.
"Crazy…I take it something's the matter?"
"YOU BET UR BACON THUR IS! THER BE PEEPS HERE THAT BE CREEPIN ON MAH HOT BOD! I CAME CUZ I COULDN'T RUMEMBUR THE NUMBER FOR 911!"
"Crazy, I'm kind of in the middle of something right now, can this wait…?"
"HEEIL NU! I GAWT RIGHTS! I RED DUH CONSTITUTION O' RIGHTS ONLINE!"
"Crazy, that was the hotel room service menu I picked for our vacation. And you don't even know how to read!"
"BUT THE PO PO'S AIN'T GUNNA LET THIS HAPPEN! AH'LL SUE! AH'LL SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!"
…
…
"ALRIGHT! LET'S JUST GET THIS MATCH ON THE ROAD THEN!" Master Hand shouted.
With that, the three bewildered Smashers on the platforms were whisked away to Pokémon Stadium II.
The viewing flat screen lowered down from the ceiling. Crazy Hand had already forgotten about his outburst and was happily gnawing away on Master Hand's podium. All the fighters nestled tensely into their seats, the gigantic TV locking into position and snapping to life. The stadium came into view.
Pit stretched his arms over his head and equipped his bow, taking a few short breaths and tensing into a battle stance.
Snake brushed the dirt out of his missile launcher's barrel, brandishing the massive cylinder on the bridge of his shoulder.
Yoshi hiccupped and danced around absentmindedly.
The announcer's voice exploded into the still, fragile silence.
"3…"
"2…"
"1…"
Static on the viewing screen. Frustrated, confused shouts began to proceed from the crowd. Master hand bewilderedly rushed up to the TV and began to inspect it, finding everything in perfect order. He looked to the crowd.
"Sorry, folks. Technical difficulties. We'll have it up and-"
The static immediately halted, snapping to footage of what appeared to be a bathroom…
…with Crazy Hand inside it…
The audio deafened the gathered Smashers.
"SO ARE YOU HOOKED? YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SUCH A DANCER!-"
"MONGRELS!" Crazy Hand screeched, leaning up from the gnawed-off podium and pointing angrily at the screen. "AVUUURT UR IES! DIS BE WIEETCHCRUFT!"
Everyone in the crowd nearly died of laughter. Master Hand was on the floor.
"Brother-" he managed to choke out, "i-is that you?!"
"HEEIILLL NUUUS! IT'S MAH EVEEIL TWARN! AND I SUD AVURT UR EEIIS! AIN'T NOBODS NEEED TU SEE DIS!"
The song on the screen changed.
"MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD-"
Screams of hilarity from the gathering.
Crazy Hand turned beet red.
"I SWAR! I'LL GIT TO DE BOTTUM O' DIS! U ALLS HAVEN'T SEEN DE LAST OF CRAZY MC BUTTERSCOTCH!"
And with that, the mortified hand soared into the air and crashed into the opposite wall of his entrance, squealing frustratedly.
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
It took a good fifteen minutes for everyone to calm down, not counting the time it took for the video to finish up. As soon as the footage of the dueling Smashers (who were oblivious to what had transpired) returned, Yoshi was already out for the match, and Snake was keeping Pit on the ropes. Right now he was making the angel feel like a stranded war plane, like a lone fighter in a field of anti-air installations. Basically the soldier was getting a bit missile-happy as Pit was desperately trying to flutter away.
Frustrated and dead tired, the angel whipped his entire body around as Snake sent a final rocket screaming at his head. Catching the soldier's eye with the glint of the stadium light on a pale-blue surface, Pit allowed the missile to connect with the gleaming surface of a midair Mirror Shield.
With a flash, a whoosh, and a mighty explosion, Snake was sent spinning out of Master Hand's barrier and out of the match.
The three we beamed back to a half-destroyed, half-chaotic room.
Pit's startled voice shook just a little as he spoke to Master Hand.
"Did…did we miss something?"
It was much later in the day, about 4:00 in the afternoon, after all had been explained and dissolved, that Pit had found Link, Ike, and Marth talking to Zelda in the gameroom. Ike was utterly failing at the Manor's copy of Twilight Princess, and Link was rubbing it in his face.
All the angel could hear as he walked in the door was the following:
"FUCKING HELMASAURS!"
"I told you, you can't damage the head, you have to either get around them or use the clawshot."
"I don't have the clawshot."
"Then how the hell have you gotten this far?"
"Hard work and determination."
Marth sighed and looked to Zelda.
"Yeah, I don't think he's taking it too well. He's really up in a funk about all of it, and I hear he's locked himself in his room. He's not even letting Master Hand in."
"Poor guy." Zelda sulked. "One of you should really go talk to him. He's never been so depressed."
"Like hell we're going to talk to him. I happen to like my face, and if one of us goes up and tells him we were the ones who staged that prank, he'd Falcon Punch us all in the nose." Ike replied.
The distraction caused the Link on the screen to be knocked off a cliff by an angry Lizalfos.
GAME OVER
"Shit!"
"Hang in there, sport." Link patted the mercenary on the back. "It's not like I did the entire thing in real life anyway…"
"Buzz off." Ike swatted at him.
"What's up, guys?" Pit allowed his presence to be known after silently stationing himself beside the couch. Zelda smiled warmly.
"Oh, hello Pit. Not much, just trying to convince the guys to go-"
Marth cut her off. He hissed a whisper at her.
"Zelda, do we REALLY want him knowing? He's got loose enough lips as it is…"
If there was a joke directed at Pit's relationship with Samus in that sentiment, it was either ignored or not intended in the first place.
Link waved.
"Ah, go ahead. He's cool."
"What is it?" Pit asked. "The fact that you guys were the ones who set up the video of Crazy Hand?"
The four other teens were breathless.
The angel shrugged.
"It wasn't too hard to figure out. You guys were the only ones who weren't in the Battle Hall. It could only have been you. Everyone knows it. Crazy Hand probably knows it."
Ike spoke up.
"What about Samus? She wasn't there, either!"
"Yeah, well, Samus wouldn't really be the kind of-"
He stopped dead cold.
"Oh shit."
Without another word, the angel blasted out of the room, speeding off to the dorm building.
Marth looked to Zelda.
"See? There. Crazy already knows. He'll get over it soon enough. He's not one to hold grudges."
"I don't know Marth, he was pretty steamed about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he took action."
She seemed to jump a bit.
"Oh, excuse me, but there's something I need to do."
About fifteen minutes later, Red was walking down Smash Manor's East Wing, making his way up to the Administration dorms. He seemed to be getting summoned a lot lately. First with Sheik, now this. He smirked. He must have been a popular guy.
Speaking of the ninja, training with her was proving to be a quite interesting experience. In the few hours that she had actually been her student (he had gone to train almost immediately after the brawls) he had already been shown seven different styles of punches, eleven kicks, nine different stances, and three kinds of holds. He had easily mastered each and every one of them, of course, but he wanted more. And she had tons more to give.
However…perhaps that wasn't the reason he wanted nothing more than to retreat back to her room. Something was sparking within him recently. Some feeling that only came about whenever he was at her side. It wasn't what he felt normally whenever he was in someone's instruction, which was typically a burning desire to surpass them in every shape and fashion. No, it was something warmer than that. He liked being her student, but he felt no need to surpass her. In fact he didn't want to at all. That would mean graduating from her training. He loved seeing her, but for what reason he didn't know. All he knew was that it wasn't the education he was interested in. It was her.
That line stuck in his head.
Shaking it off, Red knocked on the door that was owned by a certain, psychopathic extremity…
"Come in."
Pushing open the door, the trainer found none other than Crazy Hand, seated ominously behind an enormous walnut desk, stroking some random cat that was sprawled out comfortably on the length of his thumb.
Red took a few wary steps inside, the door slamming behind him.
His head swiveled around to find Sheik holding the door shut. His heart rate accelerated.
"Mr. Red…" Crazy Hand spoke calmly. "Please, have a seat."
Instead of a chair, there was a large turtle lying placidly on the shag carpet in front of the glove's desk. Red shrugged and took a seat on its shell.
"Thank you for coming on such short notice. I've heard great things about your prowess as a ninja. I'd like to make you an offer that I'm sure you can't refuse."
Red raised an eyebrow as Crazy continued talking in his innovative, unversed business-professional voice.
"I'm sure you were one to witness the occurrences that transpired at the Brawls today?"
The trainer smirked. Funniest thing he ever saw.
The hand nodded.
"As I thought. What I'd like you to do is make the people who orchestrated that monstrosity pay. I want no mistakes, and no mercy. Am I understood?"
Red was a bit taken aback by all this, so he didn't respond.
Sheik stepped up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Consider it your first mission."
Red got chills from the rough feel of her touch. He brushed it out of his mind and nodded to Crazy.
The hand spoke again.
"Excellent. I will offer you handsome payment as soon as the culprits are affronted. Here is a small cut in advance, so as to whet your appetite."
Red was handed three lollipops and an orange. The trainer eyed the offering strangely, but slowly accepted it.
Crazy Hand began to rummage around in one of his desk drawers.
"Here are your targets."
A water pistol, an old paper clip, and a chewed-up piece of gum were laid out on the desk. Red furrowed his brow.
Sheik groaned and handed Red a slip of paper with the names of Ike, Marth, and Link on it.
Red nodded his thanks and looked back to Crazy.
"Make haste. I want these fiends publically embarrassed before sundown tomorrow. Am I understood?"
Again, Red nodded.
"Good."
Crazy threw the cat off his lap and soared out the window, smashing through the glass.
"THE EGGNOG NEEDS ME! FAREWELL!"
Red groaned.
Sheik patted the trainer's shoulder.
"I'll leave this up to you then. Show me you're still worthy to be my student."
Red eagerly nodded and rushed out the door, diabolical plans already beginning to take shape in the twisted corners of his mind.
Oh my…things are about to get interesting…
I suppose I should explain myself. Obviously, this chapter wasn't posted on Christmas Eve, but it was started then. I had a good idea for The Kind-Hearted E.T., so I worked on that instead of this. But this did get online before Christmas Break officially ended, so…YEAH!
This chapter's title is a pun on AFV, otherwise known as America's Funniest Home Videos. It's an old TV show that I used to watch all the time when I was younger.
For Con Bro Chill's "We Should Hang Out", which I'm sure very few of you have probably heard, it's only going to be funny in the story if you pull up the music while Crazy Hand is singing it. Otherwise it's just weird. Trust me, I read it, and even I didn't like it.
As always, Link was, is, and always will be the jokester of the group. He's really grown on me over the time span of this story.
And yes, I'm sorry that this update came so late in Christmas Break, even though I said I would have loads of time to "churn some out." I'm sorry, I was busy…and lazy.
On the whole Red/Sheik thing…ehhhhhhh…I don't know. Some people wanted it, some people didn't, so I wasn't really sure what to put down. I think I'll just brush over some one-sided feels with Red and not take it any farther than that. That cool with everyone?
And, if I remember right…this is the first actual Brawl of the entire fanfic. I…I don't know…this isn't really a Brawl-based fic. If you guys want more of them, just shoot me a request and I can give you some more. Otherwise, I'll be keeping the brawls to a minimum.
Also, I'm sure you've noticed, I'm trying to cut back on my swearing. I was reading some of the first few chapters for this story, and I realized that it had gone a bit too far. Maybe you guys don't mind it, but I do. I'll throw a few colorful words in here and there, but nothing big.
UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHH I HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW…BLUUUEARRRGGGH
But yeah, like before, I won't be updating for a while. Stupid educational system keeps draggin' me down, you guys know how it is.
Nothing else to say! I hope you guys have a great new year!
God bless!
-Mohawkman2233
Samus: *screams from far away* SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS BATHTUB
Pit: COMING!
