Hot water had never felt so good. Hiro stood under the stream of water as long as he could. He stayed under it until it ran cold. Blood flowing again, he turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. He chose his softest, warmest pajama pants and thickest sweater he had. The sweater was hideous, a prank Christmas gift from Tadashi. But Hiro didn't care. It's warmth was so nice against his frigid skin.
Hiro peered out the bathroom door. No sign of Aunt Cass. Maybe she went to the cafe, he thought. No such luck. He heard rustling upstairs, in his room. He rushed up the stairs and found her sitting on his bed, holding his box cutter. Hiro's stomach dropped to his socked feet.
"Hiro... we need to talk," Aunt Cass said softly. She patted the bed next to her.
"About what..." Hiro tried to defuse the bomb he had set off. But he sat next to her. He knew he was in deep. Might as well not cause anymore grief. If that was even possible now.
"Hiro..." She began, but stopped. She pulled Hiro into her arms and started sobbing. Hiro put his arms awkwardly around her. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed into his shoulder. His heart was doing gymnastics in his chest.
"Aunt Cass, I don-" he was cut off by her suddenly grabbing his wrist and pulling up his sleeve. Just to avoid her eyes, he looked away. It was all he could do to keep his emotions at bay. But he could feel his aunt's stare. He knew she was counting the cuts, old and new.
"Why?" she said suddenly, startling Hiro. He said nothing, but looked into her eyes. They held an emptiness Hiro had never seen. "Please, why?" she asked again.
"Because... cuz... I don't know," he managed to say.
"Sweetie, if something is wrong; you know you can come to me."
"I didn't want to bother you..." Hiro felt floodgates behind his eyes cracking.
"You think you bother me?" she released his hand, taken aback. He wrapped his arms around himself. He felt cold again, but this came from his very center.
"You have so much to do. I didn't think you would want to deal with my own stupid crap on top of the crap you deal with." Hiro hugged himself tighter, willing himself to disappear. He peeked at Aunt Cass without turning his head.
"But Hiro," she took his hand again. "This is not a way to cope. I know you don't think I understand, but truly I do. I know what it's like to lose a sibling. I think about my sister, your mother, every day. It's never easy, and it never will be the same. But you have to know that you live on. That's what they would have wanted. You should..."
"I'm not doing this to kill myself, Aunt Cass." Hiro interrupted.
"You don't feel suicidal?" the word made both of them cringe.
"No. I don't know why I do it. But I don't think it's for that."
"Then what do you think? Why do you do it?" She scooted closer to Hiro.
"You want the truth?" he turned towards his aunt, who nodded slowly. "It's because when I do, I don't have to think. I can just focus on one small pain in my arm instead of the pain I feel everywhere else. I know that's messed up and I'm probably a sick twist, but that's the truth." He waited for her response. She just stared at him for a few moments. Then she pulled him into another hug.
"Sweetheart, I had no idea how much you hurt. I don't want you doing this anymore though. You don't know how deep you could go. Or where it could cause serious damage. Please promise me you won't do it anymore." She pulled away and looked into the teen's eyes.
"I..." he began. He looked to the floor. "I promise."
"Good. And for the record, you're ungrounded from the computer, but no going out still. I want you home a few days to relax. And you need to start eating a bit more. I'll make your favorite tonight. The hot wings that make our faces stupid numb. Blah" she cracked a smile, then hugged Hiro again. "I love you sweetie. I really do. So much."
"I love you too, Aunt Cass." he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Somehow, among all the broken promises and lies, this felt genuine. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. And for a moment, just a moment, everything felt okay.
Again, I love Aunt Cass. I really do. And all of you. Thank you and much love.
