Disclaimer: I was *going* to own Harry Potter and all his wee Hogwarts friends, but didn't have anywhere to put them. So sadly, I don't own them. Or Hogwarts. Or any related indicia.

~*~

Sev's Diary 94/95

This dairy belongs to Severus Snape. This diary has been enchanted with a powerful aphrodisiac curse. Anyone who reads this, but does not own it, will suddenly become alluringly attractive to goblins, house elves, gnomes and trees.

You have been warned.

~*~

Dear Diary, The Sorting Hat ceremony never fails to inspire me - all those terrified first years, not knowing what to expect. My goal in life is to make the ceremony seem like Christmas in Disneyland compared to my classes.

Unfortunately Quidditch has been cancelled this year. I say unfortunately because every time Potter plays, he seems to get himself into more calamity. I was hoping he would break his neck next time.

~*~

Dear Diary, I swear Dumbledore chooses his Defence Against the Dark Arts professors merely by how much they will persecute me. I never thought that he could appoint someone who was worse than Lupin, but he has surprised us all, and employed the retired ex-auror Moody. As if he doesn't know our history. What was the man thinking? Anyone could teach the position - compared to Lockhart, a stuffed chicken would be an inspired choice for the job. Or heck - why not just lock the brats in a room and give them free reign for half an hour. There's no better way to learn to defend yourself when you are stuck in a room having curses hurled at you.

~*~

Dear Diary, Couldn't be in a more fetid mood. Moody has obviously searched my office, saying he is following out orders from Dumbledore. Orders my wand. I have proved countless times to Dumbledore that I am loyal to him and have renounced my death eater ways. How DARE Moody treat me like a lesser being than him. Blast his hip-flask - how I would dearly love to poison that deformed do-gooder. He is completely and utterly deranged. This place is going to the dogs.

Day wasn't an entire waste of time though - the blockhead Longbottom somehow managed to melt his sixth cauldron (and yes, I do keep count), so gave him detention. Am going to make him disembowel a barrelful of horned toads. Will hopefully give him some souvenir nightmares to remember the evening by. Honestly, I have met salted peanuts with more common sense than that boy.

~*~

Dear Diary, Finally have an excuse to poison a student - are making fourth years research antidotes, so will be cleared of responsibility if one of the brats accidentally carks it. I fully intend to poison Potter. Have never looked forward to anything more in my life.

Longbottom's detention went even better than planned - he left the room pale, sweaty and shivery. It really made my day.

~*~

Dear Diary, Met up with another dear friend this evening. No doubt Karkaroff used dark magic to acquire the position of headmaster at Durmstrang. Apparently he teaches the dark arts to all of his students - no idea why he is encouraging them to turn into dark witches and wizards, when the poltroon is so bed-wettingly afraid of the death eaters he would rather live the rest of his life in a cave of banshees than have to face one, after he betrayed so many.

As long as he keeps his distance from me - I have no intention of being chummy with someone who possesses such ridiculous facial hair. I guess it does hide his weak chin though. Nothing, unfortunately enough for him, can hide his weak personality.

~*~

Dear Diary, Tonight has just proved that fact that Potter is an incurable little sneak. He has finally crossed the line this time (literally). And yet, he still gets away with it. What is wrong with our justice system? How can we let that disagreeably wicked little brat run amuck? I, personally, do my best to bring that boy back down to earth, but my efforts cannot possibly help cure his unpleasant personality with Dumbledore fawning all over him. Potter? In the tournament? The mere suggestion is absurd, and yet it is happening. Potter is the fourth contestant in the tri-wizard tournament.

~*~

Dear Diary, Am beginning to think perhaps it is good that Potter is in the tournament. It will certainly be more dangerous than Quidditch - we'll see just how brave the runt really is. I only hope that Dumbledore will get to regret his letting Potter remain in the tournament, and will be sending a letter of condolence to his muggle family within a few months. Have several hints to give out to certain house members to make sure Potter is made as miserable as possible in the meantime.

In other news, have started a new subscription to "Picklers' Anonymous". Has some very interesting articles.

~*~

Dear Diary, Today was the day Potter was to be poisoned. Regrettably he was called away from the class for more publicity to swell his already over-sized ego before I could test the effectiveness of his antidote. Damn the little rat for slipping out of my grasp.

On the bright side, Malfoy is obviously smarter than he seems. Picked up on my hint and manufactured hundreds of "Support Cedric Diggory" badges. Also went one step further to add "Potter Stinks". Am feeling rather proud to be his head of house at the moment. Just as much fun was propelling little mudblood Granger to tears. Also had great pleasure in giving Potter and Weasley both detentions for daring to yell obscenities at me. That will teach the disrespectful little so-and-so's.

I love the power.

~*~

Dear Diary, It was the day of the first task today, and also the day I had hoped would be Potters' last. Unfortunately he must have picked the most slow and idiotic dragon, because he managed to get past it, with only one scratch. I hope it really hurts.

In other news I have concocted a new potion that eats away at the nervous system, causing the consumer to die very slowly and painfully. Was going to call it 'Sev's Revenge" but decided it might be slightly incriminating if I put that on the label. Have dedicated it to Potter, as it was thanks to him that I made it. Will let him join in my celebrations by letting him be the first guinea pig.

~*~

Dear Diary, While I relish the potential for pain and injury that the tournament brings, I thoroughly resent the fact that I must dress up and pretend to be civil for 5 hours straight. The Yule Ball is merely an excuse for students to become disgustingly, hyperactively cheerful, and to create as much disruption during class the weeks beforehand as possible. Letting loose a bunch of raging hormones in dress robes to run around frivolously and 'let their hair down' is just begging for trouble.

I will go, but I will not enjoy it.

~*~

Dear Diary, Must say I may have enjoyed it ever-so-slightly - took 50 points from Ravenclaw, 30 from Hufflepuff and 120 from Gryffindor. The grand total for the night was 200 points in five hours - a new record.

Wish blasted Karkaroff would leave me the hell alone, however. Of course I see the dark mark getting darker, and have informed Dumbledore, but that is no bloody excuse to become best buds. Might have to re-dedicate potion to Karkaroff if he keeps up this nonsense. I suspect he thinks the other Death Eaters wont feel so malicious towards him if I was to consent to befriend him. Obviously hasn't clicked that if Voldemort does indeed return, I will be very high on his 'to do' list.

~*~

Dear Diary, Am considering redecorating my room. There is too much cold, grey stone work. Needs more black.

Have also been practising evil you-are-in-so-much-trouble stare in mirror. Looks particularly coercive with added right-eye-twitch. Can't wait to try it out on naive first years. Or perhaps will reserve the grand unveiling for Longbottom.

~*~

Dear Diary, Apparently Potter has another member in his fan club - Alastor Moody. Potter was obviously up to some illicit midnight wanderings, and yet Moody saved the boys neck. Of course, I can't prove he was there, but I'll bet my life he was. And Moody is really going too far - I get the feeling that he does not consider my loyalty to Dumbledore enough to erase my past mistakes. How dare he accuse me of still being in league with Voldemort? Frankly that wizard is a one-man travelling freak show, who needs to get a new hobby.

Perhaps potion-tasting?

~*~

Dear Diary, Can't believe the nauseating little thief survived the second task. Is really my fault he even managed to complete it, as have not covered office door-handle with skin-absorbable poison yet. Will most certainly see to it that that is done tonight.

On a sidenote, have almost finished "Severus Snapes' Guides to Life."

~*~

Dear Diary, Hopefully taught Potter a lesson today. Read out a somewhat intriguing, and highly embarrassing, article about him for the class today. Really, it was for his own good - he must learn that despite his tragically heroic past, no one, NO ONE messes with Professor Severus Snape.

Who am I kidding? I did it purely for my own vindictive entertainment. Then threatened him. That was fun too.

~*~

Dear Diary, How does the boy do it? Not only did he survive (and win) the tri-wizard tournament, he came face to face with Voldemort - not to mention his 'loyal' minions - and he is still alive. Still stubbornly, infuriatingly alive. Perhaps I should take a leaf out of his book - Voldemort will not be happy with me. Ha! As if - I value my pride over my life - would rather die with Potter knowing I am his superior, than live with the shame of being just as equally lucky.

I hate Potter. And Black. And Moody. And Karkaroff.

Actually I really do hate everyone. I am proud to say the I am perpetually misanthropic.

But I still hate Potter the most.

~*~

A/N: Thanks so much for everyones' reviews - I feel so loved :D I'm afraid this is the end of Sev's diary's until book 5 comes out, but if anyone has any suggestions for future things I could write, I would love to hear them.

Am going to attempt to tap into Snape's brain once again and write his guide to life for my next project - good luck to me lol.