I locked the door and opened the book taking out the blade. As soon as I was about to make a cut I heard a knock on the door and then a voice. "Cody, let me in," Zack said.
I shoved the blade back into the book and closed it while setting it on the counter. I slowly walked over, unlocked the door and opened it. Zack pushed past me, dragging me in, then closed the door again, locking it.
"What were you doing in here?"
"Reading a book," I said looking away from him.
"In the bathroom?"
"It's the only quiet place with no one here."
"What book are you reading?" he asked. I knew right then that he was catching on to me. Zack never would ask me what book I was reading unless there was a reason.
I mumbled the title while looking down at the ground. I knew I should have picked a different book to put that blade in.
"You've read that book a million times. You could quote it by heart, Cody." He said as he walked over to the counter and picked up the book. He flipped through the book while facing it down at the ground. I heard the blade hit the title floor. Zack picked the blade up from the floor and twirled it in his hand while staring at it.
I bit my lip waiting for the lecture, for the yelling, but it never came. I watched shocked as I saw Zack slip to the floor sitting against the wall with tears streaming down his face. He was still twirling the blade until suddenly he stopped and stared at it for a few seconds before throwing it across the room. I watched stunned as he brought his knees up, resting his arms across them while buried his face into his arms.
I just kept looking at him. I had no clue what to do, say or anything for that matter. I was about to say something, anything, until he spoke first. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"What?" I asked confused. Why was he sorry? He didn't have anything to be sorry for, did he?
"I'm sorry for turning on you when you needed me. I'm sorry for not finding it out sooner, for not forcing you to talk about it. Cause maybe if I did, you wouldn't be doing this. But mostly I'm sorry for not helping you, for not being able to help you. I tried, I did, I promise. I tried my hardest to help you, but I guess it just wasn't enough, I guess I wasn't enough…"
"Stop," I said biting my lip hard, trying to keep the tears from falling, but it didn't help. I couldn't let him think that it was his fault that he couldn't help me. "It's not your fault." I said sitting down beside him.
He looked up at me questionably before I continued. "I know you were trying to help me. You were the one that was trying the hardest, but I still didn't let you. I mean you were staying up with me at night because of my nightmares. You even took care of those guys that did it to me, which by the way I want to know what you did to them. But I mean, you were trying your hardest to help me, but I just didn't appreciate it. And as for you turning on me, I'm surprised you didn't turn on me sooner with the way I was acting and treating everyone."
"Cody, I'm you brother! I'm not supposed to turn on you! I'm supposed to help you when you need it, especially when you needed it the most…" he said trailing off.
"Zack, I'm glad you turned on me. That was kind of what made me realize that I do need help, that and you breaking down in the bathroom," I said with a little laugh, "But seriously, I'm the one who needs to apologize. For the way I've been acting, and I am sorry for that."
"Why couldn't you let people help you? I mean you would let me, but then you wouldn't, just a huge big cycle of you only letting me help for a minute then when you would start to get a little better, you'd go back to where you started."
"I don't know, I just kept seeing what they did to me over and over again in my head nonstop and it would just get to me. I just kept thinking that no one understood what happened to me, therefore they couldn't help me. I guess I just need to hit rock bottom before I could get better. I mean I kept thinking that I couldn't get any lower, but then I would fall lower. When you turned on me though, I guess that pushed me to the lowest place I could get. I guess that's what really gave me that push…"
"Cody, just because we don't know what you went through, doesn't mean we can't help you."
"I know that now, I just…I don't know, it's just hard to explain. It was like I knew you could help me, but I didn't want you to. I felt like I didn't deserve help, that I was just low scum that didn't deserve to get better, to get this image to quit playing in my head all day long." I said as tears streamed down my face.
I felt Zack pull me into a hug while he whispered into my ear, "I'm going to help you though this, I promise. Even if you don't want it, I'm going to force you to take it. I can't stand to see you like this anymore. I thought I could wait for you to decide when you needed it, but I can't. You're going to get help whether you like it or not."
"I'll let you and Mom help, just please don't send me to that shrink anymore, please." I begged.
"We'll talk to Mom about it, okay? I actually don't like the thought of sending you to a stranger to help you, but I agreed with it because you wouldn't get help."
"Thank you Zack, for never giving up on me."
"You're welcome little brother."
AN- i wrote more this time due to the fact i wont be able to update for about two weeks. this story is almost done. i will have at least one more chapter tho. thnx for reading.
