So much angst still... but this is how I think Amy is feeling... Listening to Radiohead's song Creep.
Amy picks herself of the couch and dries off her tears she is being ridiculous this was her decision. A break from Sheldon is what she needs to gather her thoughts think about what she really wants an needs from him. Amy grabs her pen and notepad from her side table and decides to make a list. Amy like lists she had notebooks full of little lists they help her organize her thoughts. This list however may be one of the most important ones she ever makes. On one sheet she writes Pros of being in a relationship with Sheldon and the other side she writes Cons of being in a relationship with Sheldon.
Under the Pro list she quickly writes down three items:
-I love him
-He loves me
-He is the first man I have ever loved
Then she frowns and under the cons list she writes:
-He is the first man I have ever loved
It was both a blessing and a curse that Sheldon is the only man she has ever been loved. On one hand it was thrilling to be with the only person in the world who had ever turned her head. Yet it also made her think about what Bernadette and Penny were always trying to tell her. There were other men out there, plenty of fish in the sea. Yet the thought of starting over again was terrifying, it had taken her twenty seven years to meet Sheldon. What other men realistically were out there for her Stuart? Bert? Would any other man make her heart race like he did, make the world move around her with a simple kiss. Amy did not think so and she did not really want to find out.
So under Pros she rights down:
-makes earth move when we kiss
- brilliant and accomplished scientist
-extremely well educated
-beautiful eyes
-smells good (like soap, and baby powder, and something distinctly masculine, that I have never been able to duplicate)
If she is just going to list every single thing she loved about him then the list would just go on and on. So She moves back to the con list and writes a few more entries:
-pedantic
-love of comic books
-fixation on super heroes in general
-only wants to kiss on date nights
-I am constantly changing my life to better fit his.
-does not feel same way about me as I do about him
That's the big one isn't it she could write a hundred more things on the pro list and they still would not trump that last item. Amy wanted him to feel just as passionately about her as she did about him. The earth move when her lips touched his? Did his hands itch to hold her, to touch her like hers did for him. Did he lay awake at night burning with desire for her not knowing when or if it would ever subside?No, because when Sheldon burned with desire with for something then his need was slaked immediately.
Sheldon loved her there was no denying that fact, but how did he love her? Did he love her the way she loved him, or was it different. Did he love her in the platonic way you would love a sister or a good friend. Yes he kissed her, they held hands, but he did it because she wanted to. All the physical aspects of the RA and been proposed by her. it was a constant negotiation on her part for more and maybe she was done fighting for them. Sure he had a ring, but what would that change? Maybe he would propose they consummate the marriage and then never have sex again with the exception of procreation if they chose to do so. Feeling defeated Amy puts down her list and heads to her bedroom. Maybe sleep will help her sort out her jumbled feelings.
Amy walked through her bedroom door, her TARDIS bedroom door and sighs. Just one more thing in her life she had completely changed for him. To force him into being closer to her, to eke out some intimacy from a man who only gave her scraps.
Amy looks around her room, his presence was everywhere from the his t-shirt that was folded under her pillow, to the mushroom log sitting on her dresser next to the flipped over picture frame. Amy picks it back up and stares at it smiling through her tears remembering the day he gave it to her. Did even know how much that picture meant to her? She presses the button on the frame and lets his melodious voice wash over her.
"I hope you treasure this as much as I treasure you." He did know how much it meant to her it was right there. He did treasure her, there was no other explanation for that picture if he didn't.
Then it dawns on her, he never asked any of this from her. He did not come in and demand that she change her room into a Doctor Who theme park for him. Sheldon had told her from the beginning what to expect from him. No it had been her who had set the pace for their relationship. The first time she met him five years ago she had told him that all forms of physical contact were off the table.
Arguably that is what had attracted him to her that he could have a relationship with a woman and not worry about all the fears and phobias that held him back. Sheldon had never lied to her, had never promised her more than what he was willing to give. The conversations echo in her mind.
"Are we ever going to be intimate."
"I have not ruled it out."
If anything he had gone out of his way to outline how difficult being in a relationship would be. Had her sign an agreement outlining everything she could expect from him and she had eagerly signed on the dotted line.
If anything she had lied to him constantly. Lied when she told him that she felt nothing when they held hands when her body received a shock bigger then the one she got from Zack. Amy had lied again when she told him that she did not believe in love when she was already falling head over heels for him. She had lied when she signed on that dotted line and told him she was fine having a relationship with no physical aspect when she longed for nothing more than to touch him, to be with him. Sheldon was not the one who had changed, it was she who had.
Thinking about it she realized just how much he had changed in his life to accommodate her into his. Before her in had no interest in romance, he had never been on a date or kissed a girl, he said it himself before her he had no interest in being intimate with anyone. Yet for her he tried his best, Penny said before her he could not even stand for people to touch him. That if someone touched food on his plate he would throw the whole plate had shared food, they shared so much.
Then it hits her what she has to do, it was her who was forcing the intimacy issue all along and it would be her who took it away. For their relationship to work again she would take it off the table. It would be easier to live with nothing at all then to constantly fall off her pedestal. When she thought something was so close was so far out of reach. Then she hears banging on the door, a characteristic set of three, her heart seems to beat in the same set and she gets up to let him in. She should have known he would not be able to last long with out a conclusion.
Amy throws open the door and sees him standing there and she melts almost immediately. He looks like a wreck and he is breathing heavy like he has just ran a marathon.
"Amy, I have been thinking about relationships and how difficult they can be…"
"Sheldon I have too and…" but he presses to fingers to her lips to stop her from talking.
"Please Amy let me finish you know how I feel about closure."
So much good to come, ease up on the angst next chapter shall we?
