My pale face looks even paler today. Given the circumstances I'm not exactly surprised (one doesn't get to meet his future-wife every day after all).
And though I'd prefer not to marry her I must admit that she has been perfectly nice all day. Perfectly polite. Perfectly boring.
I wish I could just do what I want without breaking my parents' hearts. My reflection blinks and I almost can't recognize myself. Have I always looked that lifeless and... sad? Where's my famous Malfoy smirk?
I sigh and look down at my hands. How am I supposed to hold her hand without thinking about freckled, tanned hands?
"Rose." I whisper quietly. "I wish there was a way to free myself. I wish they wouldn't expect me to behave like a proper Malfoy. I wish they still would be proud even though I didn't choose the way they wanted me to take."
"And most of all you wished you hadn't to keep this a secret." I turn around and see my parents standing in the doorway. It's not a question but I nod anyway. My mum smiles sadly at me and to my surprise even my dad manages a small smile.
"I'll never talk to you again if my grandchildren have red hair and freckles, so you better find a charm for that now."
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.
Try not to cry. Cry.
You know you're strong. Were strong? The tough one. The loner. You never showed your feelings. Showing emotions would mean that you cared and you didn't (except when she was with you. She, the golden girl)
And she gave a shit what the other people said about you. The moment you became friends you knew you were both in for the long run. You knew her better than anyone did.
You remember every minute with her because honestly how couldn't you? It's obvious that you had a crush on her. That you adored her red curls, her sparkling eyes, her loud laughter.
And you wanted to drown in her. To forget everything else. You wanted her to fill all your senses. To be everywhere. Since when? Probably since you first met her or maybe since the one time you two jumped in the lake in mid-december? You've forgotten when you fell for her but it's not important. The only thing that matters is that you did.
And when she sat there crying you didn't know what to do. You still have no clue what you should have done. So you just patted her back and comforted her by saying that everything would be okay and somehow it felt right. It seemed to help her, too. You miss seeing her every day, every hour, every second.
And you just had to be too cowardly to tell her the truth, didn't you? You just couldn't tell her you fell for her. Her picture is burnt on your eyelids. In every flash of red and brown you see her.
The way you were smitten with her is almost too cute, too helpless like a turtle lying on it's back. You never disagreed with her. Not even once. You just went with everything she said.
The sad thing is, you still would do so. For her. Honestly you would do everything for her. Her, the golden girl. The one.
Damn, damn, damn.
You wish she'd be here.
She has her father's red fiery hair and her mother's brown chocolate eyes. Everyone laughs and tells her she looks just like her aunt.
Every time she goes out with her younger cousin they get mistaken for twins and when her cousin starts to date one of the Scamander twins everyone (even herself) expects her to date the other brother but she doesn't.
And one day she's had enough and she charms her hair black and with one quick move of her wand her body is covered with tattoos. Her family doesn't know what to do and so they just sit and watch how they are slowly losing their Rosie to this stranger that barely even lives with them anymore.
So the day when her father opens the door to (finally) talk to her he finds a note and an empty room. Her mother cries and her father yells while her brother isn't surprised at all. Who didn't see that coming?
...
They don't hear from her but sometimes when Hugo is walking through the streets he's thinking about her and wonders if she ever thinks about him. (She does, all the time.)
On a cold thursday evening many months later someone's waiting for him outside of the small restaurant he works as a waiter. A guy with high cheekbones and cold eyes. When he gives Hugo a note from Rose he wonders how they met. Are they friends? Is she happy? When he asks, the stranger just stares back before he leaves.
At night he watches the stars and hopes that she will return soon because he still loves her even if, or maybe because, she isn't Rosie anymore.
...
Two weeks after the incident with the cold-eyed stranger when everyone (except Hugo) has already given up looking for their Rosie, she knocks at the door and asks for money.
She says she wants to finish muggle university but she needs more money for that and her mother gives her the money without hesitation because her hair is red and the tattoo is removed.
She doesn't regret giving Rose the money but she wishes that she'd hugged her because the stranger on her doorstep at least looked like her little baby again and she loves to pretend that Rosie (not Rose) was at the door.
At night when everyone is sleeping she stares at the note she found a week after Rosie visited and she wonders how it got there. Had Rosie left it?
"So, I heard you smelled Scorpius Malfoy in your Amortentia? Malfoy, Rose?" Hugo says as he sits down next to me.
"How many other Scorpius do you know?" I answer him as I roll my eyes.
"You don't even try to deny it?" Asks Lily.
She and Hugo might live in different dormitories but that doesn't stop them from being like Siamese twins.
The weird thing is that when you talk to them they always take turns in talking. So our conversation was mostly like this:
I: (sigh) Why should I, Lils? Everybody knows it anyway, even Scorpius himself. I told him what I smelled after he asked me.
Hugo: (screeches) YOU TOLD HIM?!
I: Shush. Not so loud. No need to make a scene, we get enough attention as it is. And yes, I did.
Lily: So this means... That... You love him, right?
I: (laughing) Oh, Lils. It means that I want to fuck him and nothing more.
Hugo: But what did he answer after you told him that you smell him?
I: (blushing) Well, that's kind of personal, actually.
Scorpius: (sits down next to me, whispers in my ear and kisses my neck) Same room, same time?
I: (blushing even more but nodding)
Lily and Hugo: (whispering with each other)
Lily: What do you give us so we won't tell Uncle Ron?
I: (laughing) I wrote him yesterday, and he said he's okay with it.
Lily and Hugo: (look at Scorpius with evil grins)
Scorpius: (smirking) I already told my parents, too, so don't even think about it.
After that Lily and Hugo get up and leave. I take Scorpius' hand and squeeze it.
"You know, I didn't actually tell my dad. Neither my mum, to be honest."
"That's such a Slytherin thing to do, Rosie." He smirks and kisses my neck again.
"I did tell my parents, though." He continues. "They actually didn't mind. As long as they get a better social image they don't care about anything I do." He smirks.
"I can tell mine, if you want me to."
"The only thing I want you to do is to forget about same room, same time. Let's look for a broom closet somewhere."
"That's why I like you. So romantic." I roll my eyes, laugh and then I take his hand and we leave the Great Hall together.
"Malfoy, why is your hair pink?"
"Your brothers thought it'd fit me."
"Brothers? You mean cousins, right?"
"Yeah. Whatever." He turns to leave.
"Wait. Actually I think you should thank them because you're looking pretty hot with pink hair but then again it might be just you and not the hair."
I still think of him, ever after all these years. I'm also dating other people and I'm happy but in between those people I think of the boy I once knew. The boy with the palest hair and skin I've ever seen and with the ability to make me laugh every day.
"Rose. I ..." He sighs.
"I know." She yawns. She pats the bed next to her.
"Just a few more hours." He whispers, lies down next to her and slips under the blanket.
"You're cold." She says and her voice is soft like a feather, not more than a sigh.
"Sorry." He says but both of them slip closer to each other and for a while he strokes her hair and holds her close and just watches her sleep.
...
"I'll always love you, Rose Weasley." He kisses her forehead and she rubs against him like a cat.
"Didn't know you where awake. Up for a shower?" He whispers into her ear and she smiles against his chest and kisses him. He wishes mornings were always that sweet.
After their shower they have breakfast and then they go shopping and he's holding her close again.
"I'll miss this." She tells him when they walk back to the flat and he nods and squeezes her waist.
...
He wants to talk to her again at lunch but she looks so carefree and why not pretend one last day? Why not be happy and free for now?
"I love you." She says after Lunch. "Do you remember last autumn?"
"How could I forget that?" He smiles, a real genuine smile and it both warms and breaks her heart.
She wants to tell him not to go. To forget about everything and to run away with her. Most of all she wants to tell him that she'll miss him but she can't say any of those things so she just kisses him again.
...
In the evening they watch her favorite movie and afterwards they eat dinner. It's a normal day, but a day that makes it hard to give up on what they have.
Later he brings her to bed and sits down next to her. She takes his hand in her two smaller freckled ones and squeezes it. He's proud that she doesn't cry but he's more proud that he hasn't yet because he can feel it welling up inside him.
"I love you, Rose Weasley."
She smiles one of her beautiful heartbreaking smiles and he wants to promise her that they'll meet again and that everything will be alright but he doesn't and she doesn't ask him to slip under the covers this time. Instead she kisses him and holds him so close that he can feel her heartbeat.
"I love you, Scorp."
He looks back at her lying under her blanket and he wonders if that is the last time he'll ever see her.
He's almost closed the door now when he pushes it open again. "Maybe if we..." He begins but she interrupts him.
"You promised it, Scorp. You would never be able to live if you'd break that promise now."
"Yes, but I'll be never able to live without you either." He's crying now.
"You know that I love you and always will, don't you, Rose?"
"But?"
"What do you mean but?"
"There always comes a but with this sentence, Scorp. But my mum doesn't likes you. But I love someone else more. But I got a new job and will move far away. But I actually don't love you."
"There's no but with me, Rose."
"You're such a sap."
"You wouldn't want me any other way."
It's one of those weird moments I'll never forget. Rose was lying next to me and she was talking. I wish I could remember what she was saying but I can't.
I wish a lot actually. For example I wish she hadn't left or that she had loved me more. I wish I could have been enough and I wish I could get her back. I could fill a book with all my wishes and all they'll ever be are just wishes. I also wish I had hold her more often and kissed her freckled nose and told her that she was perfect.
About three months after that night on the roof we'd broken up. She had moved away to study somewhere in the west.
"I need to get out of here for a while," she had shouted. And that was the last time I'd seen her.
Al said she has a new boyfriend now.
"He's okay I guess but you guys were so much better together." I know we were, Al. Thanks for pointing that out.
That's why I'm here again, lying on the fucking roof. The sun is red (like her hair my brain adds) and the sky is blue and purple and pink and yellow. Soon it'll be all dark sprinkled with thousands of stars.
