Daryl drifted in and out of semi consciousness. His mind spinning around unable to focus on any one thing. He thought he felt walker's breathing against his neck. Thought he heard Rick call his name desperately begging for help. Thought he saw Lori grinning manically at him. Thought he smelt cooked squirrel and beans. Daryl reached a point where he was no longer certain what actually happened and what he merely conjured to torture himself with.

What finally jerked Daryl back to reality was the stabbing pain in his gut when he shifted. His whole body clenched in razor sharp agony that went straight to his brain. He barely suppressed the yelp at the sensation. Daryl's eyes slowly opened, he blinked trying to clear the haze from his eyes. The corners of his eyes was crusty and dry. The hunter scrapped a quick thumb over his face and timidly unlocked the door to the closet.

He opened it slowly, the light from the windows greeted him. Beyond the glass he could hear birds chirping. It was late morning to early afternoon if he had to guess. Daryl unfurled from the closet his whole body stiff and painfully numb.

"Had worse." He reminded himself softly. The first thing the hunter realized was how empty he felt. Emotionally and physically. Daryl considered hiding back in the closet until the empty feeling left but he knew it wouldn't leave. Only grow until it consumed him. The room was vacant not that he expected anything else. Though a tiny part of his brain had hoped everything that had happened last night was just a fever dream. That Lori hadn't known and that Rick would be waiting for him with his overly soft gaze and easy smile.

Daryl knew he was wrong to hope for any kind of lasting relationship (they just didn't work with Dixon's) but that didn't stop the pain blooming in his chest at the realization that things had ended so soon. Daryl thought he was prepared for the relationship to end, but apparently not as well as he had hoped. That was probably where the other problem came from, hope. He had started to hope and believe that he could be happy. Stupid he mentally chided himself. Happiness and Dixon just didn't work out, it was like walkers and humans. Just can't exist in the same space without disastrous results.

Daryl cracked his back trying to work the sore muscles out. It did little to help. Worse the pain in his stomach grew. He could feel there would be some nasty bruises enveloping his stomach. His hand and face probably had the same raw bruises growing. But his stomach hurt double from the pain and lack of food. He gathered his bag and crossbow intending to hunt for something to eat.

The idea of getting some distance from the group appealed to him as well. He needed space to build his walls up again. Rick and Carol had worked hard to help him lower his defenses, he realized last night in his fitful sleep that was a part of the reason this had happened. Because he stopped being careful. Had he paid more attention been guarded… Well Daryl wasn't certain what would have happened exactly but he was sure it would be better than the situation he currently found himself in.

He eased the door open listening closely for movement around the house but nothing rushed to his overly sensitive ears. He moved cautiously down the stairs he didn't want to run into anyone and was hoping his luck would hold. But luck and Dixon's also didn't tend to get along. Right before he reached the side door it swung open. Daryl froze like a deer caught in headlights, he didn't have enough time to run or hide. His muscles tensed as Carol walked through the door. A huge smile broke across her face.

"Daryl! You're back." She beamed. He had no idea who gave her the impression that he'd left, was it Lori or Rick? His gut clenched at the idea of the latter saying he'd left. Carol moved to give him one of her friendly hugs. He pulled away before she could get close. The idea of being touched made him panic.

"No touching." Merle whispered in his mind. Carol froze her gentle eyes hurt by his recoil. Daryl dropped his gaze to the ground feeling lower than dirt for hurting one of the few people who had actually been kind to him. Unfortunately he'd forgotten the injuries to his left side looking down revealed them plain as day. Carol gasped her hands flying to her mouth.

"Daryl, what happened?!" She moved forward and brushed his long bangs from his forehead looking at the damaged side. He jerked trying to pull away from her small fingers.

"It's fine." He mumbled trying to push his hair back to cover the worse of his face.

"It's not fine! That looks really painful." Carol insisted not removing her hand or letting Daryl hide his face from her. He kept trying to pull away. The exit was right behind her. If he gave a quick shoulder check or a leg sweep he could be outside in the woods where it was safe, where he was safe. But this was Carol in front of him, his friend and confidant. They understood each other at a level no one had ever understood him. He couldn't do anything to hurt her, if she knew that and was taking advantage he couldn't tell.

Voices started getting closer to the house. Daryl's body went rigid ready to bolt. Carol instantly noticed and grabbed his hand. "In here." She said quickly shoving him into the wrecked dining room. She stopped only to grab her bag and shut the door quietly behind her. "It's okay. We'll be alone here." Daryl noticed she didn't say safe. The way she looked at him, he realized she recognized his nerves as frayed cords and was likely something she'd seen in herself before. That at the moment there was no place on this planet that Daryl would consider safe. "Will you let me take a look?" She whispered softly staring at him.

Carol was treating him like he was a broken plane of glass. He bit his lip and nodded. He fought to keep his body from shaking, he could trust Carol right? Carol smiled and set her pack on the table. Daryl hopped onto the steady wood keeping his gaze on the floor. "I'm going to move the hair here." Carol whispered motioning to his left side. Daryl nodded, Carol's soft gentle hands brushed his hair behind his ear. He felt increasingly vulnerable as she moved closer. Carol peered deep at the red and bluish side of his face. The left eye was slightly inflamed. Though she noticed the right eye was blood shot too but said nothing about it.

Daryl resisted the urge to cover his face again when she started searching her pack for something. He swung his legs feeling very much like a child again. With Merle tending to his cuts on the kitchen counter. "Alright this will help. It's just a wash cloth with some water." Carol explained when she caught Daryl's wary eye. He took it from her and pressed the damp cloth to his cheek. Instantly the side of his face felt a little better and less like it was on fire. "Looks like your hand got cut up too." Carol whispered staring at his injured fingers. Daryl shrugged keeping his face lowered. "May I see it?" She asked waiting for his response before moving. Daryl closed his eyes and bit hard on his lip. He shifted his shoulder to keep the cloth pressed against his cheek. Despite his best attempts to keep his body still Daryl felt his hand trembling as Carol took it. "Tell me if this hurts." She mumbled checking each and every bone for breaks and fractures.

"No." Daryl breathed. His had was sore but he knew the feeling of broken fingers well enough to know it wasn't seriously damaged.

"I'll bandage the cuts then."

"It's fine." He mumbled. "Don' waste supplies."

"We found some more band aids in one of the houses." Carol lied smoothly. He could tell she was lying but didn't feel the need to call her on it.

"As long as they aren' princesses." He mumbled softly. Carol smiled at his weak joke.

"Sorry all out of princesses. But I have some little ponies." Daryl snorted.

"Just my luck."

"I'm kidding. I have some of the normal ones. Don't want to ruin your manly image with sparkles."

"Can' have that." Daryl winced slightly when Carol wrapped each cut neatly. His left hand a mess of bandages and disinfectant.

"Anything else?" Carol asked releasing his hand. Daryl considered telling her about his stomach but the burning of his scars screamed at him to hold his tongue.

"Nah. Thanks though… for this." He motioned to his left side. Carol smiled sweetly.

"Anytime." She bit her lip looking like she wanted to ask him something, he could easily guess what but she swallowed the question back down her throat. "Have you had anything to eat?"

"Not since yesterday." Carol gave him a sad look that didn't make his chest feel any better. He returned his gaze to the floor. Hoping he could be sucked into it and die somewhere between the floor and the Earth.

"Well sadly we ate all the squirrel and beans last night." So he hadn't imagined that. Daryl wondered what else had been real in his terror dreams. "But I should have something in here… Ah!" Carol pulled out water, two energy bars, and an actual candy bar. She handed them all to him. Daryl stared down at the treasures in his hands.

"Candy? Where'd ya find this?" He questioned turning the slightly melted bar over.

"I held onto it when we hit that small gas station."

"Thought Carl, Beth, and Lori had eaten them all." He mumbled with a small smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah well…" Carol shrugged giving him a mischievous look. "Not all of them."

"Here." He tried to hand it back to her. Carol quickly shook her head pushing it back into his palm.

"You take it. I'm on a diet." Daryl quirked an eyebrow at her lean frame. She grinned cheekily. Daryl snapped the bar in half and handed her the larger piece. "Always such a gentleman. Do you treat all the ladies like this?" He barked out a laugh.

"Nah just the cute ones." Carol rolled her eyes chewing on a piece.

"Flatterer." Daryl took a small piece into his mouth. He chewed it seven times before swallowing. Merle had taught him that trick once.

"Remember Daryl if ya haven' eaten for a while ya should chew yer food at least seven times before considerin' swallowin'. That way yer body gets used to the idea of food again. It should keep ya from pukin' up whatever ya just ate." Merle had said to Daryl after they'd gone three days without a solid meal. He still wasn't sure if Merle had been telling him the truth or if it gave Merle a chance to eat more while Daryl was sitting there chewing like an idiot. Hard to tell with his brother, but at the same time he'd never been sick on food after Merle had given him the advice.

The sugary taste hit Daryl's body like an electric bolt. He knew that sugar would make him crash faster but it would hopefully keep him going until he got some protein into his body. He drank the water just as slowly savoring the taste. He was halfway through the first energy bar when Carol glanced at him.

"Better?" He nodded his stomach didn't feel nearly as empty. It was still sore as hell but at least it wasn't killing him like it had when he'd first woken up. "So I don't suppose you'll tell me what happened even if I ask huh?" Daryl gripped the edge of the table tightly until his knuckles turned white. "That's what I figured." Carol whispered with a deep exhale. "It's okay. You don't have to explain. I understand."

"Sorry." Daryl mumbled.

"It's alright." Carol paused for a moment before glancing sideways at him. "Did you really-" A knock interrupted them. Daryl jumped at the sound his eyes darting looking for a way out. Carol stood up quickly and answered the door. She left it mostly closed keeping her body in the doorframe. Regardless Daryl shifted as far away from the door trying to hide himself from view.

"Things are getting crazy out here." T-Dog's voice said through the wood. "Rick's getting impatient. He wants to go looking for Daryl now." Carol clenched her hand on the knob. Daryl shrunk at the mention of his name. But his chest tightened at the knowledge that Rick wanted to look for him. Daryl killed any feeling inside of him. He squeezed the table tighter until his arms shook from the pressure.

"I thought Lori wanted to wait until tomorrow."

"I don't think Rick cares much. He's been pacing around the outside for the last few hours. He wanted to know if you wanted to come with us."

"I…" Carol paused her fingers drumming on the brass trying to come up with a lie. "I saw Daryl earlier." She lied quickly.

"You did?!" T-Dog asked excitedly.

"Yeah he was heading into the woods probably to hunt. I don't think he heard me when I called out to him. I thought he saw Rick and that's why he was going hunting because Rick mentioned we needed more meat this morning, but I guess not."

"Thank god." T-Dog sighed. "I was starting to worry. I'll let Rick know. I'm sure he'll be glad to hear that Daryl's back or will be shortly."

"Thanks." Carol nodded shutting the door. She waited a beat before turning back to Daryl. She had a small smile on her face and her eyes were bright.

"Ya didn' have to lie for me ya know." Carol nodded.

"I know but did you really want to go out there right now?" Daryl didn't respond his hands still tight on the wood. "This way you should have a few hours before anyone comes looking for you." Daryl nodded numbly. He took a shaky breath through his nose then scrambled to his feet. "Daryl?" Carol asked watching him move towards the door.

"I need to get some food for dinner."

"We can handle that." Carol said quickly trying to stop him from leaving. He shook her hand off his arm.

"I just need to get away for a while." He mumbled not looking at Carol, too worried she'd be able to read his emotions from his eyes.

"Do you want to talk?"

"No." Daryl breathed. He wanted to escape to forget that he was ever close to anyone. He wanted to rip the memories of Rick's fingers on his skin out of his brain. He wanted to forget how it felt to have Rick's lips on his. The tingling in his gut from their closeness. No Daryl didn't want to talk because talking wouldn't help at all. It would only make forgetting harder.

"Alright." Carol sounded positively defeated. Daryl stepped to the window, he slide the heavy pane up where he could hop out and make a break for the tree line. "Are you coming back?" She asked, Daryl titled his head slightly to look at her. Her eyes were huge and desperate. He clenched his jaw his hand tight on the wood. Did he really want to come back? Could he really return and pretend things hadn't changed? No but… Lori's words were drilling into his mind. He couldn't leave either could he? A part of him wished she had just kicked him out of the group. At least then, he wouldn't feel this desperate agonizing pain. Then he wouldn't be subjected to watching Rick return to his rightful place at Lori's side. Nevertheless, what he wanted didn't matter. Dixon's didn't get what they wanted, ever.

"Yeah. I'll be back." He was half way out the window before he glanced back at Carol. She was huddled in on herself like she was going to fall apart the moment he left. But she put on a brave face in front of him. "Don' tell anyone I'm gone." She nodded shakily.

"Be careful." Carol breathed as he shut the window. Daryl darted quickly for the trees not stopping until he was a good distance away. Even then, he moved briskly searching for an area that hadn't been marked by his careful hand during his hunts. He avoided the areas he'd spent time with Rick entirely. He just couldn't stand the idea of being anywhere they'd been together. Eventually the hunter slowed slightly coming to an area he'd never been to before.

Daryl shifted his crossbow higher on his shoulder and scrambled up the nearest tree using the trunk as a jumping board to reach the higher branches. His fingers tightening around the branch until he could push his whole body up into the tree with his legs. Daryl leapt from branch to branch until he was at the top, hidden from the ground below. Up there Daryl breathed and let his thoughts flee from his mind, like seeds on the wind. He made no attempt to gather them. Instead he snapped some branches to whittle into arrows. He worked the wood smooth. The methodical process kept his mind blissfully blank.

Daryl felt better like he existed in this space alone. There was no end of the world. No relationships, no starving, no danger. Just him alone high above the world. Daryl wanted to exist in that state for a while longer but a snap twenty feet below him echoed in his ears. He considered pretending he didn't hear anything but the chance for a meal was too tempting to pass up. He stepped down quickly moving through the branches deftly. Daryl stopped on one of the larger limbs. His hopes for something to eat was dashed instantly when he saw two walkers stumbling slowly bouncing into the trees like two drunk freshmen on New Year's Eve.

Daryl blew out a breath and wrapped his legs around the tree branch. He twisted his torso and hung down so only his legs were keeping him hanging in the tree. Daryl worked his crossbow off his shoulders and shook his hair out of his eyes. The vertigo about aiming upside down sent blood rushing to his head. He took a moment to get used to the feeling.

The hunter secured his crossbow against his chest preparing for the kickback. He breathed in and out slowly, squeezed the trigger. Daryl's legs locked on the limb as his body swung like a swing set. He huffed through the backwards feeling of the kickback, that wasn't placed in the right position on his chest. The walker in front crumbled to the ground as his arrow went right through its eye.

Daryl knew he couldn't possibly load the next arrow upside down. But the second walker would pass him by if he tried to sit up and load properly. However, if he did manage to time it he would be left trying to shoot not only upside down but also backwards. He realized that would probably send him sailing out of the tree to the ground below.

Daryl worked his knife from the sheath. The blade felt heavier upside down, than it normally did. It took him a second to figure out how to throw the blade. Finally, he righted himself and pulled his arm back a solid throw and the second walker fell with a squish. Daryl sighed letting his arms hag down for a moment as he swayed slightly in the breeze. The wind tickled his hair across his face as he regained the strength in his arms. His stomach ached from being tense for so long.

Daryl tightened his stomach and twisted his torso until his fingers gripped the branch. He hauled himself up. The moment he was sitting upright he collapsed against the trunk panting harshly. His right hand rubbing his aching stomach. The muscles screaming in pain and fire.

"Shit." He hissed. He'd forgotten completely about the wounds on his stomach. "Idiot." He'd been lucky his body had held out until he had finished. If his stomach had gone into spasms when he shot the walkers, chances are he'd be on the ground panting with the air knocked out of his lungs and two angry walkers nipping at his heels.

Daryl sighed and carefully worked his way down, pausing occasionally to rub at his stomach. His feet wobbled slightly when he hit the ground but he didn't collapse. The hunter worked the arrow out of the walker's head. He had his hand on the hilt when a chuckle made him pause. Daryl glared at his side. Pressed casually against a tree was Merle grinning at him with his 'I'm still better than you' smirk. "Merle." Daryl grumbled.

"Ah what's the matter Darylina? Aren' ya happy to see me?" Daryl glanced at the right hand of his brother. Still there, he noted. So not real, Daryl concluded.

"Did I faint?" Daryl asked suddenly alarmed, remembering the last time he'd seen his brother he'd almost gotten munched.

"Nah. Just thought I'd congratulate ya on the kill." Merle said standing over the walkers, he whistled softly. "Not bad." Daryl ignored his brother and cleaned his weapons. "Though the Russian judge will agree that the dismount left a bit to be desired."

"Shut up." Daryl grumbled. "Last time I did this I was a kid." Merle rolled his eyes clearly disapproving of Daryl trying to use his age as an excuse. Dixon's didn't get rusty they were supposed to just get sharper with age. "I also didn' have a busted stomach."

"Yeah noticed that. Bitch sure did wallop ya good didn' she?" Merle smirked his eyes dark. "Ya could have kicked her in the stomach." Daryl's eyes narrowed angrily.

"She's pregnant."

"So?" Merle shrugged. "She'd learn right quick not to mess with ya. They all would." Merle looked a little like a shark with his teeth bared in a snarl. If it had been Merle he would have kicked Lori and he would have made everyone realize what a danger it was to cross him. Daryl grit his teeth against Merle's words. There was fighting dirty and then there was Merle's fighting. Merle didn't believe anyone deserved a chance to get a leg up in a fight against him. Everything was fair game to his brother.

"Why the hell are ya here?" He hissed fronting on his brother.

"Aw hell I missed ya little brother." Daryl snorted he knew that was a lie. "Ya want the truth?" Daryl fingered his knife no sure if he really did. "Last night tipped ya over the edge didn' it? Ya've always been on the edge of sanity and insanity ya know." Merle grinned. "Looks like yer toein' the line more than usual. Ya've just been real good at hidin' how close ya've been to losin' yer mind. Been hidin' it for years haven' ya?" Daryl's eyes widened his mouth dry.

Daryl remembered meeting his uncle on his mother's side Victor when he was six. How the man had told Daryl that he was a Death's-head Hawkmoth in disguise. That he shouldn't be with the normal people because all he'd do is cause misery and death. He'd then tried to rip his 'wings' off, it was the one time Daryl could remember his father defending him. He remembered being in the car trying to stifle his whimpers as his back bled from the claw marks his uncle had inflicted upon him. His father swore to his mother that he'd kill Victor if he ever said anything like that to Daryl again. Merle had whispered in his ear that Victor was crazy and to not listen to anything he'd said.

"I'm not crazy." He hissed his hands gripping his arms tightly. Daryl shuddered at the thought of being anything like his uncle. It was one thing to be like his father and brother but a completely different thing to be like the other members of his family. Dixon's as a whole were a crazy bunch and the world wasn't at a loss by their deaths. Daryl wouldn't admit it out loud but he thought the world was actually better served with only two Dixon's left in existence at this point.

"Course ya are. Only the crazy could adapt to this insanity like ya have." Daryl slide to the ground and hunched over himself. He bit his hand hard, feeling the pain as his teeth sunk into the flesh with enough force to bleed. "Why do ya think ya hear voices? Still haven' admitted that to anyone have ya?" Daryl didn't feel like he was dreaming even though he wished he were. "Last night was a little too much for ya to handle apparently."

"Great." Daryl bit his lip. "Just what I need ya hangin' around me every time I get a little worked up."

"A little? Ya had a fuckin' meltdown." Merle laughed cruelly. "Ya acted like a fuckin' bitch ya did." Merle sat down next to Daryl. "Want to talk about it?" He tilted his head towards Daryl. His blue eyes issuing a challenge not comfort.

"No." Daryl scowled his eyes dark. The urge to shove his brother was almost overwhelming.

"Easy. I was just checkin'." Merle snickered. "Was worried ya forgot what it meant to be a Dixon."

"I haven' forgotten." Daryl shot back defensively. "If yer here because I'm all fucked up than ya should leave once I pull myself together right?" Merle shrugged.

"How the hell would I know. It's yer screwed up brain not mine." Daryl huffed annoyed.

"Yer even less helpful than usual." They didn't say anything for a minute or two. Merle was staring at the walkers with a nearly deranged look in his eyes. Daryl was too busy trying to figure out how to pull his mind together. It's not like he could take some tape and staples and start pulling it back into some form of sanity.

"Still impressive ya remembered how to do that." Merle nodded at the two dead walkers.

"We only worked at that for months." Daryl shrugged, tilting his gaze towards them as well.

"I suppose we did." Merle grinned. Daryl had never told the group he could do stuff like that mostly because the last thing he needed was to have them expecting him to do a performance every time he killed a walker. Like he was some sort of goddamn acrobat. He could see it in their eyes, every kill would have to be better and better, one of the worse things about the end of the world was everyone looking for some new form of entertainment. Daryl being able to kill walkers in ways they hadn't seen before would probably be like a prime time TV show to them.

In reality the reason he knew how to do things like that was because of his brother. Daryl glanced sidewise at Merle who was busy humming softly to himself a slightly mad smile on his lips.

"Do ya remember when we first started learnin' how to do that?" Daryl motioned towards the walkers. Merle titled his head back a laugh building.

"Yah I remember ya fell out of a tree about twenty times." Daryl chuckled.

"Ya fell out more than I did." He reminded his brother. When they were in their teens, Daryl and Merle had seen a show of ninja's fighting in trees. Killing people from trees with guns and arrows. Merle had decided the best idea for them on that lazy Saturday was to learn how to do that. The pair of them in the woods climbing trees trying to figure out how to dangle upside down and how to shoot at each other with their airsoft guns. It ended up being a few months' worth of a project. Every time they thought they had a handle on it they'd lose their balance and fall or one would figure out how to shoot the other in the arm which only made them strive to be even better than his sibling.

They discovered Merle could hold onto the branches longer than Daryl due to his longer and stronger legs. But Daryl had the better accuracy. His natural accuracy allowed him to be able to hit his brother with the pellets as good as he could right side up. Naturally the consequence was Merle becoming enraged to the point of not letting Daryl get down from the tree until Merle had hit him in the head several times. By the end Daryl's head felt ten times too large from the blood rush.

After a few months of training both Merle and Daryl were able to hit each other with deadly accuracy and in Daryl's case, he could nail a rabbit running from twenty yards away. Daryl had thought that would be the end of it but Merle had better ideas. He decided they needed to try their accuracy and skills with real guns. They'd set up targets and found how difficult it really was to keep their bodies steady with the kickback from a real gun. More than once they ended up on the ground gasping for air having fallen and knocked all the wind out of their lungs.

The pair worked and worked until finally they mastered the swinging motion that a kickback would cause. They learned how to lock their legs onto the branch long enough for them to right their bodies for another shot. They probably would have dreamed up bigger and better ways to kill things upside down if Merle hadn't had the brilliant idea of giving Daryl a shotgun to try and shoot with. The kickback blasted him from the tree and dislocated his shoulder. "Remember how mad the old man was when ya dragged me back to the house with my arm all busted up?"

"Yah. Should've left yer ass in the woods." Merle chuckled. He ran his thumb over a scar on his arm. Daryl could almost see his brother's body a patchwork of scars and painful memories. Merle never mentioned how often their father hit him but Daryl knew it was a lot. Just like his own body was damaged and broken from his father's rage.

"Maybe." Daryl sighed and closed his eyes pretending that for a moment he was young and resting with his brother. Waiting for one of them to come up with a crazy new idea that would keep them busy for a few days, back when things were simple and Daryl didn't have to worry about much besides trying to keep Merle out of prison and staying away from his father's knife. "Might have been better if ya did." Daryl thought of everything that had happened to him in the last few months. Everything seemed to go from terrible to disastrous. Hell his whole life was like that. Maybe if Merle had left him. If that winter all those years ago had been different. If Merle had made the smart call then. "If that winter had gone differently…" Merle gave him a quick slap to the back of the head, hard enough for spots to dance in front of his eyes.

"Don' be stupid. I'll have to give ya two smacks if ya are." Merle growled angrily.

"That fuckin' hurt." Daryl grumbled rubbing his head.

"It was supposed to. It's what happens when yer a dumbass." Merle was glaring with anger and rage in his face. It surprised Daryl that even his screwed up mind could create the same look of complete anger on his brother's face, it was a look that usually meant bad things for Daryl. "Don' ya ever say that ya wish that winter had been different. I'll beat ya black and blue if ya do." Daryl snorted rubbing his eyes.

"Now ya wanna play the big brother?"

"I've always been the big brother. Don' ya dare forget that." Daryl thought about arguing what it really meant to be a big brother. But he'd done that before at the farm. It obviously hadn't changed anything. Merle was still the same self-centered prick he always was. Yet Merle was his big brother, he'd stuck up for Daryl more than anyone had ever bothered to. Merle had done a lot of bad things to Daryl in his life but at the same time he'd done a lot of good too. He had taught him how to survive their father. So when Merle left, Daryl was able to make it on his own under his father's roof. Without Merle he doubted he would have lived past his seventeenth year.

"Shit." Daryl sighed rubbing his head nearly tearing his hair out by the roots. "This is all just…" Daryl exhaled unable to find words to describe anything. "Shit."

"Always good with words ain' ya?" Merle chuckled.

"Shut up. Ya know I'm not good at this kind of thin'."

"Oh trust me I do. Ya always tie yer tongue in a knot and stand there lookin' like a damn idiot."

"Least there aren' much need for charmin' people anymore." Daryl mumbled a slight smirk on his lips. Merle laughed at that.

"Yep ya lucked out didn' ya?"

"That's one of the only changes that have actually worked out for me, though Rick said that it would do me some good to try practicin' talkin' to people." Daryl snapped his jaw shut. He couldn't believe the words that had just slipped out of his mouth. He hadn't even thought of what he was saying before he spoke. He shut his eyes the pain in his chest returning with a vengeance. The ache almost bone deep.

"Dixon's aren' supposed to want." Merle said suddenly breaking through Daryl's mental hazy. Daryl nodded opening his eyes to gaze with a growing distant look as he tried again to forget the last few hours.

"I know."

"It never goes well for us."

"I know." Daryl repeated firmly.

"Then why did ya do somethin' stupid like want for somethin' ya could never have?" Merle asked his fist clenched. His whole body radiating exasperation and aggravation. Daryl didn't blame his brother he'd never been good at the whole heart to heart thing. Just wasn't in his nature. The fact that he hadn't already smacked Daryl telling him to man up was progress. Or maybe just his mind giving him a break. Daryl couldn't be certain if the real Merle would be this accommodating or not.

"I just thought that for once…" Daryl sighed and put his head down on his knees. "That maybe stuff would work out."

"That doesn' happen for Dixon's." Merle sighed rubbing Daryl's head softly before pulling back quickly. The fact that his brother had managed that was impressive. Merle didn't know how to provide comfort outside of offering to help punch people.

"I know." Daryl muttered. "Just…wanted it so bad." He whispered the ache in his chest building till he couldn't breathe. He felt his lungs tighten. His words surprised even him. Daryl had thought he didn't care. That he was prepared for this to go badly. He didn't realize how much it would hurt when it eventually did. The pain was something he thought he'd never allow himself to feel again. He wasn't sure what he had wanted more, to feel what it was like to be treasured and appreciated or if it was the sense of belonging that proved his existence was a good thing for the world. He wasn't sure what he wanted but he knew he'd already lost it before he could figure it out.

"Are ya really tantalizin' after Officer Friendly that badly?" Merle huffed annoyance clear in his voice. But he didn't try to beat Daryl for his words. Daryl wasn't sure if he wanted Merle to punch him or not. It felt weird. He was certain the real Merle would have. This fake Merle had strange inconsistencies in his personality. Daryl couldn't help but feel that it was his fault. That after all the months away from his brother he had started to forget him. That his rough and violent edges were being smoothed out by his memories and impressions of him.

Daryl thought he'd never be able to forget how his brother acted. But things seemed to be falling apart. He couldn't remember if Merle clenched his jaw to the right or left. Daryl glanced at his brother through his eye lashes. The image of Merle he'd conjured flickered slightly. Daryl closed his eyes. Despite what he'd said earlier he didn't want Merle to leave. He wanted his brother to stay with him. At least not yet.

"Not tantalizin'." Daryl mumbled softly through his arms. "Tantalizin' is a temptation without any real satisfaction or the ability to gain what yer tryin' to obtain." Merle huffed. Daryl didn't have to look to know he was rolling his eyes and clenching his jaw at being corrected. "Comes from a Greek myth, 'bout a guy who tried to feed his own kid to the Gods or somethin'. Kinda ironic with the walkers when ya think about it." He rambled not certain why he was even bothering to explain this. The real Merle wouldn't be interested why would the fake one?

"Alright whatever." Daryl smirked softly at Merle's exasperated tone. "When did ya get all book smart?" The hunter raised his shoulder's slightly.

"It was in the book I was readin' few nights ago." He explained.

"Ya do that now?"

"Do what?"

"Read and shit?"

"Yeah I guess." Daryl hadn't really thought about it. Sure he read now, but he didn't really think it was that big of a deal. But then again before all the shit hit the fan he never really found books that interesting. Or he never really had time to devote to them properly. Now even with all the hunger, terror, and drama they still had a surprising amount of downtime each night.

Maybe it was just Daryl's nerves and inability to sleep but he found himself with a few hours each night with little to do. The books helped. Reading them reminded him of a time that felt almost lost. It felt like glancing through a broken mirror. He could see the old world but it was cracked and warped far beyond his reach.

"Ya didn' used to."

"Sort of wish I'd made time before." Daryl lamented solemnly thinking of all the books and authors lost. Just another causality added to the walker tally.

"Don' ya turn into a pussy on me." Merle ground out harshly.

"Shut up." Daryl growled back. "Might do ya some good to start readin'." Merle sighed and narrowed his eyes clearly not pleased with the advice, especially from his little brother.

"I feel like tantalizin' is the perfect word." Merle said suddenly after a few moments of silence had passed between them. Daryl worried his lip. He kept his gaze on the trees around him instead of on his brother. "I mean ya said it means somethin' ya can' have right? Isn' that exactly what this all is? Somethin' ya can' have but wish ya could?"

"I guess yer right." Daryl mumbled his tone low, defeated. Rick was tantalizing like the starlight Daryl had tried to catch when he was a child. Something always out of reach but always, always in view tormenting him with the proximity. If the world had never ended he and Rick would have never met and there would have been zero chance of anything growing between them. "Ya know normal people have encouragin' thoughts in their head. Instead I'm stuck with ya. How is that fair?" Daryl sighed shaking his head.

"Life isn' fair little brother. Especially to Dixon's." Merle said patting Daryl's head lightly. Daryl chuckled.

"I guess yer right. Just seems like I always get the short end of the stick." Daryl clenched his hands. "But maybe it is just us. Dixon's always get screwed over by the world. Almost like we're supposed to accept our lot in life and just move on, stop expectin' stuff to change. Cause it never does. Not for us at least." Daryl exhaled sharply. "Stupid of me to think that it might be different this time. Never is. Just can' escape from the Dixon fate. Even at the end of the world huh?" Daryl tilted his head toward Merle waiting for his brother to tell him to man up and stop being such a little bitch. The only thing that greeted Daryl was thin air. Merle was gone, leaving Daryl alone in the woods talking to himself. "Now, I do sound crazy." Daryl huffed. "Just my luck." He pressed his head against the tree.

Daryl took a moment to collect himself before clambering to his feet. The fact that the fabricated Merle was gone made Daryl believe that it was time to leave. That his mind had pulled itself together enough for him to no longer see an image of his brother that wasn't there. Daryl knew he could pretend that things hadn't changed but avoiding reality just didn't sit well with him. Merle would smack him upside the head if he knew Daryl was scared to leave the woods because he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with the problems facing him when he returned.

Daryl realized when he reached the house that he hadn't actually managed to find any food. It seemed like a perfect excuse to go back into the woods. But Daryl knew that it was just that, an excuse. He took a steadying breath and gripped his crossbow strap tightly. He knew he'd been away for a few hours like he intended to be (though the idea of staying away the whole night was very tempting.) But Carol had covered for him already and he could see Rick and the group blaming her for his absence. That was something he definitely didn't want. The idea of someone taking the blame for him didn't sit right in his gut.

Daryl scuffed his toe trying to figure out how to finish the walk to the house. He worked to build his courage together. The hunter cracked his neck and started forward. The house did that strange falling away thing where it felt like it was a mile away from where he started. When he reached the side yard the door smacked open before he could take another step.

"Welcome back!" Carol said her smiled wide but Daryl noticed it looked wrong, forced. That set his body on edge. He tilted his head listening to the surrounding areas. He couldn't hear any shifting feet of raiders trying to get the jump on them. No heavy breathes from behind the door from murderers and rapists. Still Daryl found himself fingering the hilt of his hunting knife. Carol kept on talking to him but the hunter was busy, darting his eyes along the trees and windows trying to find what had caused Carol to act so strangely.

"What?" Daryl asked realizing she was staring at him.

"Did you have a good hunt?" She repeated her eyes growing wider.

"Um yeah sure." He muttered knowing he had nothing to show for his hunt. Carol was wringing her hands, he noted. She kept twitching like she wanted to say something but couldn't. Why? What was holding her tongue? Daryl wondering flicking his eyes back towards the house. He suddenly noticed faces peering at him through the windows trying to hide that they were watching him. So that's it, he realized feeling a rush of heat coming from Lori's window. He quickly dropped his gaze not wanting a repeat of last night's beating. "Did I miss anything?" Daryl asked pulling his crossbow off his shoulders.

"Um well-" Before she could even finish the door banged open and Daryl was a little surprised that the whole house didn't shake from the force. The hunter gripped the metal tightly as his chest constricted. He could barely breathe.

Stepping out the front door with angry eyes and a completely violent air about him was Rick. He looked positively murderous. Daryl twitched the urge to flee coming back at him tenfold. He couldn't stand to see Rick. He thought he'd be prepared for being in the same group as him but he wasn't ready to see him yet. He hadn't finished tacking his mind back together. Seeing Rick caused a flare of pain throughout his body, like a shard of glass through the heart. The knowledge that Rick was going to come over and tell him to get the hell out of the group and his life (if the look of pure hate on his face was anything to go by) that knowledge scared and wounded Daryl. More than he ever thought possible.

He knew it would happen but god he didn't want it to. He wanted to beg Rick to let him stay. To let Rick beat him until he felt that Daryl's pain had paid him back for all the agony and chaos he had caused Rick and his wife. Hell he'd be willing to pay it back for years if he had to. If that's what it took to stay in the group. But Daryl bit his tongue and pulled his shoulders back. He swallowed all the traitorous thoughts and fears, which anyone but a Dixon should have. He refused to whine like a little bitch. If it was going to end with him acting like a pussy he'd rather die right here right now.

Rick stomped across the ground fury in each step. His eyes dark almost two shades darker than Daryl was used to seeing. His lips and jaw set in a scowl that looked like he was ready to start stomping on walker heads while punching living humans in the balls. Daryl felt like his legs were caught in a bear trap, unable to move because of the agony.

Suddenly like the world had started rotating backward Rick looked up his dark eyes finding Carol. Everything changed and slowed down when Rick saw him. Rick faltered on his feet. His breath caught in his throat.

Daryl watched in amazement as Rick's eyes closed and opened, the anger gone in an instant. The deep blue replacing the near black. A smile broke across Rick's lips. The hate that seemed so oppressive earlier suddenly evaporated like steam on air. He moved with purpose and lightness that Daryl hadn't expected especially not from the rage filled man from a few seconds ago. He wasn't certain if he was more worried before or after Rick had noticed him. Carol glanced at Daryl her nerves deepening. The hunter couldn't help but wonder what he missed during his mental break from sanity.

Rick stopped in front of Daryl, his scent hitting the hunter's nose like a punch to the face. He resisted the urge to inhale.

"Daryl." Rick breathed his name like a caress. Daryl stopped his body from jerking and pulling away at the sound of his name. Rick looked Daryl over, he could tell the moment the officer noticed the bruises on his face and bandages on his hand. Daryl twitched and gripped his crossbow tighter.

Rick reached forward fast as a Diamond Back's strike and grabbed Daryl's chin. He tilted it to reveal the full bruises. Daryl clenched his jaw and swat at Rick's hands, forcing him to release him. Daryl closed his eyes breathing heavily through his nose. The electric feeling that exploded behind his eyes at Rick's fingers on his skin took longer to shut down than it should have.

When he finally opened his eyes again Rick was staring at him with a positively wounded look in his eyes. He exchanged a quick look with Carol, leaving Daryl to feel like the child who had to pretend his parents weren't talking about him. "What happened." Rick didn't ask a question. He was demanding an answer. Daryl stubbornly looked away.

"Nothin'." He ground out.

"That is not nothing." Rick argued motioning to Daryl's bruised body. "Daryl!' Rick yelled his voice growing loud. Daryl couldn't help but worry about walkers being drawn in by the sound. Wouldn't that be just perfect, Daryl thought darkly. "What happened? Who did this?" He hissed growing impossibly close. The hunter chewed his lip, his jaw locked tight. Rick searched Daryl's face desperately hoping there would be an answer in his eyes. Daryl kept himself closed down letting nothing through his wall. "Where did you go?" Rick's voice softened to a near whisper. "I waited for you. I…" He sighed and pulled back. "We all looked for you. We were all worried." Daryl glanced up at the angry face of Lori in the window. Not everyone, his mind whispered.

"Sorry." The hunter mumbled lowering his gaze again to the ground. The silence pressed down on them. It felt like he was being dragged to the ground, the suffocating feeling crushing him. But neither Rick nor Daryl was giving an inch. Rick wanted answers. He found himself in another situation where he was trapped fumbling in the dark without any answers or a way to navigate through the darkness. While Daryl refused to give any answers, the pit in his gut deepening by the second. His mouth stitched shut from years of training. Telling Rick would only make things worse, Daryl concluded.

Finally there was Carol awkwardly caught in the middle, knowing some of the answers but her loyalty to Daryl stilled her tongue. The way Rick was pressing down on Daryl reminded her of the past with Ed. She saw what Rick couldn't and knew that the harder Rick pushed the more Daryl would retreat within himself. He would gain only resentment from the hunter at this rate.

"Let's go inside." Carol whispered placing her hand on Rick's arm. He flicked his eyes towards her looking to argue until he caught her steady gaze and the way she was tilting her head slightly towards the house. Rick's bright blue eyes finally noticed what Daryl had seen immediately, they had an audience. Rick sighed and nodded feeling like he had no choice in the matter.

"Alright." He led them towards the house, Rick watched Daryl closely like he expected the hunter to disappear the moment his eyes were off the man. Daryl couldn't blame him because he wanted to do exactly that. "Carol go check on everyone." Rick directed not moving his eyes from the twitching hunter. Carol glanced at Daryl not wanting to leave him if he needed her help. Their friendship stronger than her loyalty to Rick. Daryl refused to meet either pair of eyes. His left hand started to throb from the grip he had on his crossbow. She retreated reluctantly, glancing back as she left the room.

Rick seemed to deflate the moment she was out of the room. Daryl could feel Rick's gaze on him. "In here." He said opening the door to the dining room, that Carol had used to bandage Daryl's hand hours before. Daryl automatically pressed himself into the corner of the room while Rick shut the door firmly. The hunter could feel the panic of being trapped returning. His innards twisted violently. Rick pressed his hip against the wooden table. He rubbed at his eyes.

Daryl noticed for the first time how tired Rick looked. Dark circles rimmed around the man's eyes. More stubble than usual was left untouched around his face. It looked like he was wearing the exact same thing as yesterday. Which wasn't necessarily an unusual thing. They didn't have the luxury for clean clothes anymore. But Lori often insisted Rick change to try and space out the need to waste water on washing clothes. For a split second Rick's blue eyes caught Daryl's. Daryl dropped his eyes immediately but he had seen enough to notice the man's eyes were completely bloodshot. "Where did you go last night?" Rick asked again, his voice softer and calmer than before. But no less demanding in his need for answers.

The hunter felt very much like a child who was found sneaking out by his father. Daryl scuffed his toe again, keeping his resolute silence. "I waited for you." Rick mumbled his voice heavy. "What happened?" Rick sighed and moved in front of Daryl. His body giving off no air of hostility however Daryl couldn't help but twitch from nerves. "Daryl please I need to know what happened. We need to talk about this." Rick begged his impossibly blue eyes nearly desperate.

Daryl licked his lips but didn't speak. He noticed there was a broken lace on Rick's right boot. He made a mental note to find new laces soon. "We agreed to talk about stuff like this. That we'd talk to each other didn't we?" Daryl twitched, his stomach twisting like someone was churning him up inside. He had agreed to talk with Rick that was true. He did want to tell Rick things he hadn't dared to tell anyone else.

"Dixon oath." Daryl could hear his own voice in his ears. Giving Lori his oath. There was nothing in him that was his own anymore. So many people owned a part of him. He was no longer certain where his oaths began and he ended. They were too twisted inside of him. He felt consumed by them. He couldn't tell Rick anything. He wasn't allowed to. Daryl closed his eyes, his chest aching in agony.

"Was it something I did?" Rick asked his voice a whisper. The man in front of him was pulling inward, away from the hunter. Daryl felt worse if possible. His physical pain nothing compared to the emotional. The knowledge that he'd caused Rick pain set anguish rushing through Daryl's body. His bones heavy with sorrow. The ache so deep he couldn't find it to rip it out. He would rather tear his fingers off with his teeth than cause Rick discomfort of any kind.

Daryl opened his mouth the words that so rarely worked for him were ready to grow wings and lift Rick's spirit. To give him the only comfort Daryl had in his power to provide. His words and wings ready to become a shield for the man who's heart was too gentle for this world and too kind for the pain that caring for a Dixon inevitably caused. Daryl felt his body moving forward ready to embrace the man who shouldered more than anyone should ever have to carry.

"Rick?" Daryl felt the words die on his tongue, like wings too weak to fly. Baby birds plummeting to the ground crying for help as they died. His body closed in on itself, a wall against the world. "We were wondering what to do for dinner." Lori asked sticking her head into the room. She worked the door open and her sharp eyes glared at Daryl before focusing back on Rick. Her hand in constant motion at her enlarged stomach.

"I don't know." Rick sighed pulling away from Daryl. He seemed suddenly tense like staying in the room with Daryl bothered him. Daryl noticed his deminor changed the moment Lori entered the scene. Because he realized how much he loved Lori, Daryl thought knowing deep inside that they suited each other far better than he and Rick ever could.

"Well there's no meat and Daryl didn't bring anything back." Lori's eyes switched dark and harsh as she looked at Daryl accusing him for not providing anything for them to eat. Her eyes were filled with such rage and hate. It was a look he knew well having seen in his father's eyes many times. It was a look that told him, I wish you had never been born. It said that he wasn't worthy of the air he breathed. That much like his father Lori would strangle him but she didn't think he was worth the physical effort required to kill him.

"We'll make it work." Rick said his shoulders sinking lower. Just more weight added to his already heavy burden. Daryl's mind became a wreck of chaos and pain. He wondered why he couldn't just bleed out from all his failure. If failures could cause physical marks upon a person Daryl knew he'd be marked from head to toe.

"I can go out huntin'." Daryl said quickly. Hoping that he could take actiong that would help lessen the problem, even if it was only a little.

"There's no point." Rick murmured. "It's getting late, better to stay here." Daryl wanted to argue that he could help, that he didn't meant to cause problems. He felt like he was a child again telling his parents he didn't need to eat knowing how little money they actually had to pay off their debts. Rick gave the hunter a look telling him to drop the subject. Daryl felt his mind start to split itself apart trying to figure out how to prove his worth, how to help. Lori glared at Daryl, her fingers drumming on her stomach letting him know that if they went hungry he was to blame. "We'll make it work." Rick repeated before heading towards the door. Lori shot Daryl one final look, reminding him that he remember his oath to her.

It wasn't necessary. Daryl could feel himself pulling away from the others, from Rick. He knew there was no going back. What he and Rick had shared was nice and a distraction, something Daryl never thought he would be able to have in his life. It was more than he could ever have hoped for. A warm memory on cold nights, nothing more. Lori and Rick left the room and Daryl paused at the doorway. His fingers tight on the heavy frame. The group was in a close tight circle, a warm family all sharing and loving each other equally. In the center Rick and Lori. Rick's hand on Carl's shoulder a gentle smile and love in his eyes. The core of the happy family. An image of the old world, not yet lost.

Daryl's heart clenched realizing he wasn't able to join them. He wasn't worthy of being a member of the group. He wasn't worthy of the happiness. That wasn't a Dixon's lot in life. Still the image of Daryl being there in the center at Rick's side, it burned away at the reality trying desperately to plant itself inside of his heart. To create a seed that could hide and grow slowly over time. But Daryl ripped the thought and hope out of his heart himself. There was no future of them being together, he knew that now. There was no team building moment with him standing in the group on equal grounds as the other members. He heard something shift behind him.

"Daryl." Merle's voice called to him, almost on the wind. Daryl didn't turn to face the corner of the room the voice had come from. He didn't trust himself not to see Merle still standing there with that smug grin on his face. Daryl needed to pull himself together, he knew it. Merle was a reminder of that. "Swallow the pain down deep brother." Daryl inhaled the pain and pushed it low into his belly letting it fade into his bones where he couldn't see or feel it. The taste of salt and blood hot on his lips. He didn't need hope or friendship or whatever might have been building between him and Rick. He just needed to survive.


Hello everyone! Thank you again to everyone who's been following/favoriting/reviewing this story for so long. If you've read until this point major kudos! ;P I know this isn't the shortest story out there...but that's a good thing right? (hopefully it is!) As always if you have time leave a review it always brightens my day. (Especially in these frigid temperatures!) It helps to let me know how I'm doing and if you guys are still enjoying this. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter! It's nice to be back in Daryl's pov. I have an easier time writing from his pov. Anyway I'm rambling.

Hopefully I'll see you all in the next chapter! Again review if you have time! Until next time!