The group went hungry the night Daryl had his mental talk with Merle. Yet another failure he added to his ever growing list of failures. They'd moved the next day with Rick saying the area had been hunted pretty thoroughly. Daryl couldn't tell if Rick was using it as an excuse for him or if he doubted the hunter could actually get food anymore. Regardless leaving felt like a defeat to Daryl but he followed his leader wordlessly as the group moved to the other side of town. Daryl took a small attic like room on the third floor where he was far away from the rest of the group. The last time he'd been so far away had been on the farm. If anyone noticed they didn't say anything.
He wanted some space, craved it really. Daryl was busy staring out his window watching for movement below him. It was the middle of the night on the fifth day in the new house. Daryl avoided Rick and Lori (and the majority of the rest of the group) every chance he got. He took his meals in his room so he could 'keep watch.' He left hours before dawn to go hunting and returned closer to nightfall. Sometimes not returning until he had enough meat to give everyone double portions. Daryl stopped leaving obvious markers of his hunting grounds for Rick or anyone else to follow. He also started hunting in areas that no novice could ever hope to handle.
Rick didn't try talking to him after that night in the dining room either. He seemed to be avoiding Daryl almost as much as Daryl himself was. Which suited the hunter just fine. If he brought them food, kept them alive and safe than that was enough for now. Daryl knew that sooner or later he would have to integrate back into the group. More importantly he knew in order to keep his oath he would have to be in a position where he could keep his eye on Rick. That was what Daryl was working on every waking moment. Preparing himself and steadying his mind to not take every word or movement out of Rick the wrong way. Merle had been right, hope and want had been his biggest problems. There wasn't a point in lusting after something he could ever gain.
Daryl was working to build his guard back up where he was just surviving again. Keeping the group alive and fed that mattered. Emotions shouldn't come into the equation. They shouldn't matter. How he felt a tightness in his chest the moment Rick's scent his nose shouldn't matter. How he dreamed of the heat from Rick's lips on his neck. Or how he would wake up shivering and confused as to why he was alone until memories came rushing back to him. Those shouldn't matter.
The hunter wanted to find his way back to how he'd been when he and Merle first joined the group. Cold and detached but at the same time he didn't. Because he did care for them all. He didn't want to be so cold that he didn't care if they lived or died. He was still trying to work out the balance between protecting the group but staying detached yet available to help when they needed it. He didn't have enough room, mentally to do everything, at least that's what it felt like. He knew it would be easier to reach his goal if he were alone. Which he was for the most part but there was still one person who wouldn't leave him alone. A small knock at the door reached his ears, Daryl had to resist the urge to sigh, speak of the devil, and she shall appear. He thought. The door opened and quiet as a mouse Carol crept in.
"Daryl?" She whispered.
"Hm?" She looked instantly relieved to see him. She was the only one who refused to outright ignore him. She brought him food and often came to see him late at night.
"Mind if I sit with you?" Daryl silently scooted over to the edge of the window. "Thanks." She whispered sliding in opposite of him. She glanced out the window too.
"Can' sleep?"
"No it's just things are…" Carol shook her head. "No I guess not." She smiled at Daryl. "You don't mind if I stay here for a while right?" The hunter shrugged. "Mind if I talk to you for a bit?"
"Now that's pushin' it." He mumbled, she smirked at him. "What did ya want to talk about?" Her gaze got distant as she looked at the darkness below her.
"It's so dark and still huh?" Daryl lifted a shoulder.
"I guess."
"Can't even hear what's going on downstairs from here I bet." She whispered softly. The hunter kept his gaze sharp on Carol.
"Is somethin' happenin'?" He asked already his muscles tense, ready to move to help if there was a problem. Carol gave him a small sad smile.
"I had a feeling you didn't know what was going on around you."
"What do ya mean?" He felt like he was being tested somehow.
"Things have been pretty bad the last few days." Carol paused and gave a rueful smile. "And nights. It's just been bad."
"I haven' noticed anythin'."
"That's because you haven't been around!" Carol sighed rubbing her temples. "I know you've been wanting space but we could really use you here Daryl. We need your help."
"I don' see how I could help." He muttered not liking the idea of getting involved in anything going on in the group just yet. Every time he tried to help sort out the drama he only managed to make it worse.
"And I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit. Everyone respects you looks up to you." Daryl felt his guard return not letting any of her words make it past his ears. Carol sighed and pressed her head against the wall. "If things are going to be like this…maybe we should leave." She whispered defeat entering her voice like a virus.
"What?" He couldn't believe his ears.
"I mean you don't want to be here anymore right? That's why you're always gone. We could just go, you and me. We wouldn't have to deal with anything going on and we could make a go at it." Carol was staring at him with hopeful eyes, like she thought he could solve anything. The idea of Daryl being in charge of keeping them alive and safe that scared him. He didn't want power, didn't want to be in charge. But what scared him most of all was Carol talking like she was, he had thought she'd gotten over the thoughts of leaving after the farm. Were things really that bad?
He closed his eyes turning his hearing up. Daryl hadn't bothered doing it since they left, didn't seem a point to using his hearing. He focused ignoring the too close sound of Carol breathing and her heart hammering away at a rate similar to a mouse. He turned his head down slightly and sure enough voices, loud enough that he could almost make out the whole conversation two floors away and on the other side of the house.
Daryl opened his eyes alarmed that he hadn't even realized what was going on under his feet. He wanted to blame it on his urge to give the group their privacy, (they really didn't need to know he could hear all their whisperings and gossips) but he knew that the reality was he didn't care enough to actually check in on things. Even from afar he should have been aware. Another tally to his failure list.
"We can' leave." Daryl mumbled. Carol's face fell at his words. She squared her shoulders and nodded.
"I know." She whispered. "I just… needed to hear you say it."
"Sorry."
"No, you're right. We stand a better chance in a group." Carol murmured. She steadied herself and the traces of the scared battered woman disappeared. The strong Carol he'd grown to care about peered back at him. "I should have told you about the fighting sooner." Daryl shook his head.
"I wasn' watchin' for it. Too busy…" He didn't know how to finish that thought. Too busy trying to escape? Too busy avoiding the things he didn't know how to handle? Too busy thinking only about himself?
"I know you didn't want to talk about it before." Carol started slowly tentatively like Daryl was a wounded animal. "But do you want to try talking about it now?" The hunter's blue eyes grew clouded. Did he? He wasn't sure. But Carol wasn't Rick, technically he wasn't forbidden by any oath to keep secrets from her. He worried his lip but Dixon's weren't supposed to share, only the weak shared.
However Carol wasn't pressing him, he doubted she'd call him weak regardless of what he shared with her. Daryl thunked his head against the glass trying to work out the tangled mess in his mind. Merle never shared but then again Daryl had never been to jail either. So maybe just this once it would be okay. He glanced outside looking for some sort of a sign, like a walker attack that would mean he wasn't supposed to talk. But it was quiet dark night, probably the perfect night to share secrets at a sleep over if Rick was to be believed.
"I…" Carol looked shocked that Daryl had spoken. That he would be willing to even consider sharing. "Just screwed everythin' up…again." He sighed his words failing him like always.
"I always thought that I did something wrong with Ed." Carol admitted softly. "That the reason he would get so angry was because I did something wrong." Carol shook her head, her eyes watery. "I never realized that he had such anger in himself. It didn't make sense to me. Such rage, I always thought there had to be a reason for it. That hatred like that couldn't exist in the world without a purpose." Daryl thought about his own father who would fly into a rage without reason. That living with him was like a holding a live grenade in your hand. You know it'll go off but you aren't sure when. Carol rested her head against the wall; she seemed so small under the shadow of Ed's memory.
"Do ya still feel that way?" Carol shifted a shoulder.
"Not sure. I hope that if Ed ever appeared in front of me I'd punch him. But…" She trailed off. She didn't need to finish, Daryl understood. Something's are too deeply engrained to be forgotten. It was the reason he could never leave his father like Merle had, he didn't have the same kind of anger and strength burning in him. Loyalty had broken his mind and forced him to believe he deserved any kind of punishment that was dealt upon him.
"Ya wouldn' have to worry." Daryl murmured. Carol looked up her eyes bright. "Ya wouldn' go with him. Even if he tried to make ya I'd put an arrow through his eye." Carol had a small smile on her lips at Daryl's words. Her hand touched his arm lightly. Small fingers giving a slight pressure on his skin.
"You're too good to me." Daryl fought the urge to cough and pull away. He didn't know how to respond to her words. "You're too good to all of us." She amended. Her eyes flicking down to the floor. He pulled back and put his hands under his pits pulling in on himself awkwardly. Daryl let the silence consume them, he didn't feel comfortable trying to argue he wasn't that great, knowing that Carol would argue right back that he was. After nearly five minutes Carol sighed and looked deep at Daryl. Her eyes searching for the truth buried deep inside of Daryl. "Lori knows doesn't she?"
Daryl's eyes grew wide, his body going rigid and panicked. The steady look in Carol's eyes told him everything he needed to know. The terror of the whole group knowing reached his heart sending it fluttering. Daryl shakily nodded. Carol closed her eyes, a sigh breaking through her lips. "I thought so. She's been angry for days. The moment she sees Rick they start fighting. It's like fire and oil. They can't be in the same room without yelling lately." Daryl blinked, surprise settling deep in his gut. He had no idea things had gotten so bad. His avoidance had worked a little too well it seemed.
"Does everyone know?" He whispered worrying his lip. He hadn't seen enough of anyone to really know if they were looking at him with pity or hatred in their eyes.
"I don't know." Carol admitted sadly.
"How did ya know?" Daryl fumbled over his words trying to calm his pounding pulse. Wondering if he was broadcasting his emotions without even realizing it.
"I just did." Carol said softly. "The way you were acting was a pretty big hint, in case you weren't aware." Daryl snorted. "Though Lori would have everyone believe that you're mad at us or busy trying to leave. I didn't buy it." That shocked Daryl to his core.
"Lori said I'm tryin' to leave?" She nodded.
"She's mentioned it a few times now." Daryl cast his eyes down, he couldn't get a grasp on what Lori wanted from him. Did she want him to do his duty and fulfil his oath? Or did she want him to leave? As chaotic as his mind was, hers must be tenfold in comparison.
"Hm."
"Rick has jumped to your defense every time. He and Lori argued about it often. Rick kept saying that you just needed space while Lori kept insisting you were getting ready to leave us."
"They don' anymore?" He asked picking up on the note in her tone that said this was an old issue.
"No, now they argue about other things." Carol paused and chewed her lip. "But I think it's still about you."
"Of course it is." Carol smiled sadly.
"If you want I could play double agent try to figure out what they're arguing about?" Daryl chuckled lowly he couldn't really see her as a double agent. Carol was just too honest for that sort of thing.
"Nah it's fine." He mumbled.
"Aw I was looking forward to learning how to blink messages to you."
"Ya'd probably look like ya were havin' a seizure." Carol chuckled her eyes bright for a moment before sobering again.
"Have you thought about talking to Rick about this?"
"'Bout what?"
"Well the fact that you aren't really intending to leave. Or you could work out the problem of Lori knowing. Figure out a way to make the whole thing work out." Daryl pulled a loose thread from the hole in his jeans not willing to even consider talking to Rick. "I'm sure he could use your support right now." Carol sighed deeply when Daryl didn't respond. "Then talk to me at least." He shot his eyes up to her, doubt and distrust boiling in his gaze. "I won't tell if that's what you're worried about." Daryl licked his lips the desire to talk burning a hole deep in his chest. "Let's start from the beginning. Lori found out. Did you tell Rick she knows?" Daryl shook his head, finding the rip in his pants suddenly fascinating. "Well I think it's fair to say he knows now."
"Probably." He mumbled.
"How mad was she?"
"How mad would ya be?" Carol shrugged.
"Not sure. I didn't care for Ed like Lori does Rick. I mean I loved him but I was also scared of him. So it's complicated, to say the least."
"Well I'm surprised she didn' kick me out. She had every right to." Daryl touched his left hand thinking of her anger and rage that she'd wielded against him. How she'd seemed ready to shoot him in the head but didn't want to risk bringing walkers upon the group.
"She's the one who did that isn't she?" Carol motioned to his bandaged hand. Daryl didn't respond keeping his lips sealed. Talking to someone didn't mean he had to share everything did it? He didn't think that was part of the secret sharing rules. "I'm sorry." Carol breathed her voice horse, almost gone. "Is that why you've been avoiding us? Because of something she said?" Daryl shrugged.
"Doesn' matter."
"Daryl." She realized quickly he wasn't going to talk about Lori anymore. "What does this mean for you and Rick?" Daryl chewed his lip. Nothing, it meant nothing. Merle had been right like always.
"Nothin'."
"So then you're going to work things out with Lori? Maybe Rick can help you explain-"
"No." Daryl interrupted her. "I mean there's no Rick and I. Never was."
"But-" Carol's lip trembled. "You two worked… It seemed like one of the few things that was actually going right in this screwed up world." She whispered her eyes filling with tears. Carol looked like she wanted to press Daryl close and hold him. It was the last thing he wanted.
"No we didn'. It was just a distraction, that's all." Carol grew instantly cold at this, her eyes dark. "It was more like a one night stand, that's all.
"It didn't look like it to me. It looked like he cared for you, like you mattered and still matter to him." Daryl's heart stuttered but he forced the trembling fragile spark of hope back down his chest. He wouldn't let himself be deluded into thinking there was any future between him and Rick. Carol was just romancing the situation. Believing there was something between him and Rick, when the cold reality was they had nothing connecting them together, not before and definitely not now. "And I think you care about him too. More than you're willing to admit." Daryl clenched his jaw.
"I don'." Carol gave him a look of absolute disbelief. "I care about keepin' him and everyone alive. That's it."
"You're so deep in denial you're probably on the other side of the planet right now." Carol sighed.
"Does it really matter at this point?" Daryl asked defeated. He didn't want or need Carol trying to convince him to hold onto any feelings of affection he might have had. He didn't need any seeds building in his heart. He needed to forget and be a cold shell again.
"So you're just going to pretend that he doesn't matter to you?"
"Not pretend. I'm tellin' ya it doesn' matter. What I might have felt doesn' matter. Pretendin' stuff is different won' make it so."
"You can't just cut your feelings out of your chest Daryl. It's not like a scab. It doesn't just pull up. Feelings are deep, they can't be ripped out." Daryl remained silent and remembered how his father often tried to cut out Daryl's weaknesses when he was a child. Saying a Dixon didn't have feelings of fear and sadness. Several of his scars were evidence of his father's attempts to remove the things inside of Daryl that offended him so.
Carol looked pained watching the hunter's guarded wall return around him. Like a shield hiding his heart and mind from any outside pain. She wanted to convince him that things would be okay. That they couldn't stay dark forever. That she was certain Rick cared for Daryl and needed his support now more than ever. But Daryl didn't seem to want to hear any of it. She hoped that later once the ache had healed a little he'd be willing to listen again. Or had he already convinced himself there was no point? She prayed it wasn't the latter. "Will you come back to the group?" She asked knowing there was no point in trying to force her thoughts on the matter right now. Daryl was stubborn and wouldn't consider anything until he was ready to think about it. He was an all or nothing kind of man who wouldn't commit to anything until he was ready to commit fully.
"I never left." He mumbled staring out the window.
"Not physically but emotionally you have. You feel like you did back at the farm." Daryl clenched his fists. "Just…consider it. Please." Carol begged. "Come to breakfast tomorrow."
"I need to go huntin' tomorrow." She sighed realizing it was like talking to a wall. Daryl had shared all he wanted to and wasn't interesting in talking anymore. Carol wanted to force him to speak. To shake him until he revealed all of the buried pain he kept hidden deep inside. But she couldn't, just like he would never force her to talk about things that were too painful for her to remember, she could never do that to him. No matter how much she wanted to. Carol sighed and closed her eyes trying to stop the pain in her chest from building. "Ya okay?" Daryl asked after a moment. He wasn't looking at her but his mind was always picking up on things. Despite everything Daryl had said about not caring he was always the first to notice when something was wrong. He probably wasn't aware of it but Carol knew that Daryl was incredibly sensitive to the emotional and mental state of the group. That he always did his best to solve the problems in the only ways he knew how to help. He always gave his best effort for them, no matter the situation.
"Yeah." She smiled weakly. "Tired."
"Ya should go to bed." He suggested simply. She wanted to tell Daryl that she was scared he'd be gone when she woke. That every morning Carol was terrified he'd never come back. But the worry that her words would dig deep into his mind until he felt compelled to leave scared her even more than admitting what was bothering her. She said nothing, fear stilling her tongue.
"You're probably right. Goodnight Daryl."
"Night." He grunted.
"See you tomorrow." Carol whispered hopefully. He didn't respond keeping his gaze on the window. The night passed slowly after Carol departed. Daryl rested his mind and eyes on and off throughout the night, getting minutes of sleep when he grew tired of being awake with only his thoughts to keep him company. By dawn, he had less than two hours of sleep under his belt. The idea of taking a nap in a tree appealed to him greatly but Carol's pleading eyes haunted him. He didn't want to join the group just yet. But he knew it wasn't the Dixon way to just run away and act a coward.
He gathered his supplies and started down the stairs. Daryl found a corner in the room that the group had taken their meals the last few days. He pressed himself against the wall hoping he wouldn't be noticed by the group. But as they started filing in slowly, he realized they all noticed his presence immediately. He received different emotions from each member. Carl and Beth both looked extremely pleased with his return. Hershel gave him a smile and nod. Carol automatically came and sat in front of Daryl. The pleasure warming her whole face. He tried to duck his head and pretend everyone wasn't sending little glances his way every few minutes.
Lori was one of the last to enter the room. She noticed immediately that Daryl had joined them for the first time in days. Her lips turned down in an angry scowl. Her eyes dark. She looked ready to start screaming. The group seemed to take a collective breath waiting for things to fall apart. But the last member of the group entered the room shattering the stillness with his piercing blue eyes.
The group exhaled in relief but Daryl's breath caught in his throat. The scent of warm peaceful summer days and sweet cool rivers almost suffocated him. He stared at the ground feeling Rick's eyes upon him. Daryl's cheeks heated as the gaze didn't lessen in intensity, even when he took his seat on the other side of the room. Daryl's heart pounded suddenly he felt like this whole thing was a bad idea. That he should just run out the door and hide in the woods again. But before he could take a step Carol was handing him a small plate with some squirrel meat, red beans, and what looked like canned peaches.
Daryl glanced around the group's plates seeing that there wasn't enough meat. He'd have to work harder today, he vowed. Suddenly Rick's eye caught his. Daryl dropped his eyes to his plate like Rick was going to burn him if he kept looking at him. He ate quickly finishing faster than the rest of the group. He left the room without a second word, everyone's eyes on him as he practically sprinted out of the house. Daryl didn't break stride heading straight for the traps he'd set yesterday. He was so busy trying to escape the pounding in his ears that he didn't notice the footsteps following him. It was only after he inhaled that he realized he was being followed.
The steps were too close for him to jump into a tree to hide. He'd be spotted in a second. He didn't doubt that if he ran the one following him would run after him. Daryl sighed and slowed slightly realizing there was no point in running. He couldn't escape at this point. This was going to happen.
Just like he knew his brother would be back in jail only a month after getting out. Just like he knew his father would come home drunk and angry. Just like he knew walkers couldn't be cured. Just like he knew Shane killed Otis and he'd try to kill anyone who dared to get in his way. Some things were just going to happen no matter how much he struggled against the current.
No matter how much people tried to avoid things they just happened like the sun falling in time for the moon to replace it for the night. Daryl finally came to a stop at a group of traps. The first empty but the second a small rabbit was caught. He smiled starting to work the trap open.
Behind him, his follower stopped and sighed heavily. Daryl would be lying if he said that he hadn't tried to lose his stalker by talking a difficult path full of twists and turns. But apparently he was too good of a teacher and Rick had learned more than he realized during their lessons.
"Thought I lost you for a second there." Rick said softly trying to break the ice. Daryl worked at the trap pretending that it was giving him trouble but in reality all he had to do was twist and the trap would be unmade. "I'm glad you joined us for breakfast." Rick continued forging on, trying his hardest to build a bridge between them. A way to return to where they had been just a few days ago. Daryl refused to cross the bridge. He couldn't allow himself to go over and pretend to be friends, not yet anyway. "So how's your second life going?"
"Huh?" Daryl gasped nearly dropping his catch.
"It's something Carl came up with, though Glenn and Beth added to the story."
"What that I have a double life?"
"Last I heard it was that you were a super hero leading a double life." Rick chuckled. "Rumors since we haven't seen you in so long. Plus I think it's a way to keep everyone entertained and reassured that you're safe." Rick shrugged his eyes searching the hunter's face.
"Or that yer kid reads too many comic." Rick chuckled.
"Well then I guess I'd have to blame the one who turned him onto them wouldn't I?" Daryl ducked his head knowing Rick was talking about him. Carl had asked for something to read months ago. Daryl had given him a few issues he'd found knowing they'd be more interesting than some romance or philosophical novel. The comics ended up making their way around the whole group before returning to Carol's jealously guarded bag. He kept almost as good care of the issues as Daryl did his books. Carl quickly became thought of as the comic master of the group.
"I guess so." Daryl would be lying if he said he didn't keep his eyes open for comics to slip into Carl's bag every once in a while. He figured the kid could use something to look forward to at the end of especially hard days.
Daryl turned away from Rick hoping the man would get the hint and leave. But luck was never on his side. Instead Rick sat on his haunches where he could gaze over at Daryl as he worked. The hunter resisted the urge to explode at him. How much did it take before everyone realized he just wanted to be left alone?! Daryl hissed mentally. The pain still too near for him to be able to pretend that things were normal.
"So what have you really been doing these last few days?" Rick asked turning a piece of grass between his fingers. His shoulders were tense and he kept shooting nervous little glances towards Daryl.
"Nothin'." He grunted.
"Then you've just been sitting in your room for five days?"
"And if I have?" Daryl glared at Rick. He hadn't done that, he'd been avoiding the house like the plague but that didn't mean he wanted to admit that to Rick.
"Then I would have seen you." Rick smirked. "I kept trying to find you to talk to you. But you were never in your room when I went to check." Daryl flushed at being caught in his lie. The fact that Rick was in his room without the hunter realizing it bothered him. He's missed more than he'd ever guessed during the last five days. Was he going soft? Had he been so busy in his mental torment that he hadn't noticed the world around him?
"I've been out huntin'." Daryl admitted finally.
"Huh." Rick's face fell before he put another weak grin up on his lips in its place.
"What?"
"Nothing just thought that was…" Rick shook his head. Daryl could guess what he was thinking. Probably something along the lines of how they did that together. That it was their thing. Daryl was glad Rick didn't finish the thought. He didn't think he had it in himself to tell Rick that it couldn't be their thing ever again. "I had hoped Carl was right. I wanted to be your sidekick." Rick smiled trying to make a joke. Daryl forced his focus back on his hands. Rick's smile faltered as Daryl continued to try to freeze him out. Rick sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Look I know you don't want to talk about this but I'd like to."
Daryl clenched his fists quickly he twisted the rabbit free and moved to the other trap. Rick groaned as he stood and followed Daryl to the other trap. He sat back down next to the hunter, who realized Rick wouldn't just leave him alone and let him avoid this. "I talked to Lori." Rick sighed. Daryl's hands stilled for a moment as he glanced over at Rick. The man looked weary and exhausted like he hadn't slept in days. Though if Carol was right about all the tension in the group that might not be too far from the truth.
"Then there's no need to talk about this." Daryl grunted trying to turn away.
"I'd like to anyway." Rick insisted.
"Why? Ya heard from yer wife. No need to drag this out." Daryl started to rise again. Rick's hand shot out faster than a bullet and gripped his arm tightly. Daryl struggled to break free. Rick responded by squeezing harder.
"You can't just run away from this Daryl!"
"Why the hell not!?" He hissed his teeth bared like an animal. The urge to smash his fist over Rick's head almost took him over. Sure he'd be hurt but at least Daryl would be able to escape.
"Because we need to talk about this! It won't just go away if you ignore it." Rick nearly wrenched Daryl's arm out of the socket as he forced the hunter to sit back down on the ground. Daryl huffed angrily trying to look away and pretend this wasn't happening. "Please don't make this harder than it already is." Rick's voice held a desperate pleading tone. Daryl didn't know how he could make it any easier. He agreed to leave. Rick and Lori could be alone, what more could the man want from him? He was already doing everything he could to make this easy for everyone involved. "Daryl?"
"What?" He growled.
"Talk to me." Rick's hand sought out his. The instant Rick's fingers ghosted over his heat exploded in Daryl's gut. His heart fluttered to life. The hunter jerked his hand away pulling his arms in tight around himself. He tried to calm the pounding in his body. The desire to delude himself throbbed in his head. Rick sighed his body sagging in defeat. "I was right." Rick mumbled nearly inaudible.
"What?" Daryl muttered turning his head slightly towards Rick. The man's usually bright blue eyes were far and distant nearly cold as he glared at a point beyond the moment they were trapped in together.
"Nothing." Rick sighed closing his eyes. He put his head against his knees. "I really am glad you joined us today. Things have been going pretty bad lately."
"Carol said ya'll have been fightin'." Daryl muttered trying to inch away from Rick without being obvious about it. He wondered if he would be able to run off into the woods without Rick realizing and tackling him. Right now the odds were not in his favor.
"That's only part of it." The man sighed deeply his body sagging. "Everyone's been restless. Walkers have been seen on the last few supply runs getting closer and closer." Daryl's eyes widened. He hadn't heard about that.
"So they wanna find a new town. Why don' we?" Daryl shrugged not seeing the big deal.
"Hershel says Lori can't keep moving from place to place. That it'll make her and the baby sick." Daryl thought of the small child growing inside of her. He was probably right, she needed a place that was stable for them all to stay during the rest of her pregnancy.
"Then we stay. What's wrong with that?"
"I'm losing control." Rick whispered, his voice hoarse and a slight tremble ran through the man. "Everyone feels like they're ready to break apart and run. We're barely able to stand each other right now."
"Ya said it wasn' a democracy anymore right?" Daryl reminded the man. Rick's hand went through a spasm at his words. "It shouldn' matter what people want. If they're alive then that's all that really matters right?"
"I've never regretted saying anything more than those words." Rick admitted his hands trembling fiercely. His blue eyes almost feverishly bright with unshed tears. "Being the leader and keeping everyone together. It sounds fine and works well when we're not in danger. But when there's peace suddenly everyone grows resentful. They forget so quickly how perilous it is. Instead they grow bitter and hate having to follow someone's lead when there's no reason to." Daryl wondered how long these thoughts had been weighing on Rick's mind. He doubted his leader had told anyone these fears.
"Ya are a good leader. Even if ya don' realize it. They may not realize it either but ya've done yer best. It shows we're alive aren' we?" Daryl tried to reassure him. Rick chuckled humorlessly.
"I think they'd be happier if you were in charge." Daryl felt his insides recoiled at the very idea. The fear of leading everyone to their deaths hit him hard.
"I'd be a bad leader, trust me."
"Always so quick to defeat yourself." Rick looked at Daryl pain flickering in his eyes.
"Yer one to talk." Daryl grumbled crossly, quickly dropping his gaze to the ground.
"That's how I knew Lori was wrong." Rick had a small smile on his lips. He tilted his head toward Daryl. "Aren't you going to ask what about?" The hunter sighed knowing Rick was trapping him in a corner with the question.
"What 'bout?" He mumbled already feeling where this was going to lead. He could feel it deep in his bones.
"She said you're trying to take over the group. It's part of why she didn't want you in the group anymore. She thinks you'll try and force your way to the top." Daryl clenched his jaw. "But I know you." Rick smiled softly looking at Daryl, not a shred of doubt in his eyes. "That's not in your nature. It's not the kind of man you are." He started kneaded his arms with his hands until the knuckles turned white from the pressure. "Every time I talked to her or rather she yelled at me." Rick amended with a weary smirk. "Her story changed constantly. Even now I'm not sure I know exactly what she said to you but I have a pretty good idea." Daryl huffed trying to disguise the twisting in his stomach and the cold sweat that started breaking across his body. "I told you that it doesn't matter what she says. I care about you. About us." Rick reached over and put his large hand on Daryl's knee.
Daryl clenched his eyes shut and jumped up throwing Rick's hand off him. He focused on the echo of Merle's voice in his head instead of the hope that kept struggling against the fire of reality in his chest.
"There is no us!" Daryl growled struggling to keep his voice steady. To stop the trembling that threatened to take him over. He bit his lip hard enough to bleed using it as a focus point. A way to keep himself together before he rounded on Rick. "I told ya, it was nothin' just a way to pass time! Nothin' more." He yelled hoping the louder he got the more it would become the truth. That he'd be able to convince himself that the relationship really didn't mean anything to him. He tried to assure himself of that simple fact but Daryl could hear a howling screaming in his chest as his body violently rejected his own words.
But the Dixon continued knowing it would be better if he was the only one suffering in the dark. Rick would return back to being happy with his family like he should be. Rick stared up at Daryl, his eyes huge. He looked like he was breathing agony through his lungs. Almost like Daryl had physically attacked him with his words. Rick's body was shuddering as he peered upward. It felt weird reversed to Daryl, for him to be towering over Rick felt wrong. He was used to being the one cowering on the floor.
He felt his heart tremble, fearing he had gotten more of his father in him than he'd realized. Daryl could almost feel his father in his bones and blood. Glaring down at Rick through Daryl's own eyes screaming that Rick wasn't worth anything. Rick's lips trembled as he struggled to talk. "Look I'm sorry if I gave ya the impression of this bein' somethin' more. I didn' mean to. To me this was only a way to feel somethin' that's it." Rick's eyes turned dark cold and borderline violent. He sprang to his feet, rage exploding from his body.
"So what it was just a goddamn game to you?!" Daryl nodded while his heart screamed. "Then I'm what? Just a convenient fuck buddy to you?!" Rick hissed pressing closer to Daryl. He could taste the anger and hurt on the man's breath.
"Well yeah." Daryl continued trying to push the agony beyond his senses. Deep where he could bury the ache and suffocate the hope. "I mean there's only so many of us in the group and it's not like we can go out for a quickie at the bar anymore."
"You're lying." Rick's voice a soft whisper. Daryl felt his mask almost falter but then he noticed the desperate almost broken look in Rick's eyes. He wasn't saying that he was just hoping he was right and Daryl would give him something to cling to. Something that would mend his broken mind.
"Jesus if I knew ya were goin' to turn into a whiny bitch about this I would have gone to someone else." He sighed shaking his head. Rick started to curl in on himself his body growing small and fragile. "Look it's over. Actually no." Rick's eyes shot up hope surging reflected in his expressive gaze. Daryl forced himself to continue, knowing it was better to destroy the hope than let the man suffer more later. "There was never anythin' to start so there was never anythin' to end. We weren' anythin' just two guys who were bored and givin' each other somethin' to do. But that's it. It felt nice and all that shit but why the hell would I wanna be with ya? This world's fucked enough without tryin' to add relationships to it."
Rick's trembling got worse with each word. His whole body looked broken. The bright blue orbs were shimmering and his throat worked furiously to swallow the pain back down into his body. Daryl worked hard to mask his own feelings. Knowing this was what Rick needed and what he'd promised Lori he'd do for her. "Sorry Rick. Really I am." Daryl sighed, wishing he could provide the support Rick needed but also create the distance that was going to be their lives from now on. He knew he couldn't do that, he could only hope to create the distance with the least amount of pain as possible. That way Rick would realize how good things were before and would return to his rightful place by Lori's side.
Daryl started to walk away knowing he needed to get away, to try and escape the agony that was choking his throat from his own words.
"Daryl." Rick called softly. The man was still crumpled in on himself. "I'm sorry." He breathed. Daryl felt his throat close. He clenched his fist forcing the act along.
"It's fine. Don' worry about it." He mumbled, the words tasting like ground glass in his lungs.
"Please don't leave us." Rick begged his voice shaking; he never raised his head from the ground.
"I wouldn'." Daryl insisted though he wondered if he was backing himself into a corner doomed to making things worse for himself. But what's more pain to his roadmap of pain, scars, and tragedy? Daryl couldn't see anything wrong with taking on more pain so that it might lessen some of the pain inside of Rick. Even if it was only a sliver of the pain he was willing to take it all.
"We need you." Rick whispered.
"No ya don'." Rick clenched his fists tightly. Daryl sighed heavily. "I'm not goin' anywhere." Rick looked up for the first time, a fragile broken smile gracing his lips.
"Promise?" Daryl shook his head.
"I've got yer back. For as long as ya need it."
"Thanks Daryl." Rick mumbled but he'd gone back to looking down. His voice soft and hurt. Daryl knew Rick wanted his oath that he needed to hear that Daryl would stay with them. But he couldn't give him that. Not after the oath, he'd given Lori. Daryl started backing away from Rick, pretending he couldn't hear the pained gasps and muffled sobs coming from the man. This is for the best, Daryl thought. Wishing he could convince himself of that.
Greetings everyone! Sorry this one took so long to get out. School started again (gag) so I've been busy juggling that and trying to write. Anyway I'm super sorry! Forgive me! Hopefully you all enjoyed this chapter. (I feel so bad for continuing the torture of poor Daryl...) Like always review if you have the time! It really makes me so happy I can't even express it! It also lets me know if you guys are still enjoying this little (little since when?) of mine!
Next chapter I've pretty much got planned out and if things go the way they should it'll be the start of season 3! Yay! Hopefully I'll see you all in chapter 20! Until then have a great weekend! Review if you can and thanks again for continuing reading!
