When little ass kicker had finished her bottle he noticed her eyes were growing sleepy and exhausted. Daryl was perplexed about what came next and looked to Hershel who smiled sagely at the man.
"She's just tired." He assured the skittish hunter. Beth brought over what looked like a plastic mail box used to hold packages at one time.
"Daddy said this should be about the right size." She explained. Daryl stared at it, it didn't look very comfortable but they didn't have a crib and the hunter doubted he'd be able to sleep with her in his bed. He'd be too scared of hurting her or something terrible happening to her during the night. Maggie pulled out some blankets from her bag.
"I think these will help." She smiled cushioning the hard plastic. Daryl licked his lips and gently started lowering her to into the box. Before the infant touched the blankets her sleepy eyes opened once more and she cooed softly. Daryl's heart soared again at the sound. He had never thought he would ever feel such love for someone else. He had thought Dixon's were incapable of such feelings but this girl broke through all the walls he surrounded his heart with and cemented herself directly in his soul. Daryl didn't move or speak after putting little ass kicker to bed. He didn't know what to do next. His body already missing the warmth and weigh of the newborn.
"Daryl?" The moment of longing was shattered for the hunter at the soft call from Glenn. Straightening his crossbow on his back, he moved towards the man letting Maggie and Beth whisper over the sleeping child. The girls were under the watchful eye of Hershel so he felt okay stepping away for the moment.
Glenn was pale and his eyes were bloodshot from emotion. But the hunter didn't mention it. He could tell that what Glenn really needed was to mourn properly. But both men knew there was still work to be done. "What do we do?" He whispered. Daryl followed Glenn's eyes to the prisoners. "I mean…" He trailed off and worried his lip. Daryl sighed, Rick wasn't here but did that really mean that he was in charge? At the farm it had been Rick and Hershel. Shouldn't it be that way now? The hunter didn't know how to feel about Glenn looking to him for answers. Daryl didn't have answers, Rick did. Daryl liked following Rick's plans. Suddenly being in charge left the hunter on edge. The weight of the group's lives weighed down on him. Was this how Rick always felt, he wondered.
"They seem like good guys." The hunter mumbled. "Oscar saved Rick's life." Daryl gave only his honest thoughts and opinions but Glenn seemed to agree regardless.
"But we lost so many." He breathed.
"We did but that wasn' their fault. T was right, they're good men." Glenn's face froze at the mention of T's name. His eyes grew glassy but he held it together. "We have to keep goin' okay?" Glenn nodded and Daryl clasped his shoulder before moving to rejoin the others.
"Daryl?"
"Hm?" The hunter responded midstride.
"We dug graves." Daryl nodded, he didn't need to know what they did to the bodies. Didn't want to think about how so many of his friends were in the ground now. The Cherokee Rose in his pocket reminded him that they had lost so much. "I…" The hunter noticed Glenn stumble over his words. "I tried to talk to Rick." The man looked away nervously and Daryl felt his stomach drop. He needed to know what happened to Rick. "He'd killed dozens of walkers on his own. But he didn't recognize me. It's like he wasn't even Rick anymore."
"What do ya mean?" The hunter hissed lowly.
"He slammed me against a wall, freaked out when I tried to touch him." Daryl licked his lips and nodded.
"Alright I'll handle it."
"You sure? I mean you just got back… what if he attacks you?" Daryl almost laughed at that, he doubted Rick could do anything even close to the same spectrum of pain as his father. Daryl wasn't worried about anything Rick could do to him.
"I'll be fine." He mumbled. "Thanks for tellin' me." Glenn looked like he wanted to say more but Daryl didn't let him. He returned to Hershel.
"I'll watch over her tonight." Hershel said before Daryl had even opened his mouth to ask.
"Me too." Beth perked up from his side.
"Ya sure?" The hunter asked.
"I've had more children than anyone here, I know how to take care of them." Hershel smiled his eyes crinkling. "Bethy was always the best babysitter so she's got my back." Beth nodded her blonde locks bouncing with her enthusiasm. Beth kept looking at the sleeping baby girl like she was the most precious thing in the world. Daryl nodded feeling reassured that ass-kicker would be in good hands.
"I think we should call it a night everyone." Daryl said realizing everyone was suddenly looking at him. He coughed awkwardly not sure how to do this, Rick always seemed to drive everyone into action so naturally. The hunter didn't have the same strength but he hoped he could make it work until Rick got back. "Tomorrow we need to clear out the bodies and work on securin' the prison." Eveyrone nodded. "Maybe take a look at the generators again."
"Yeah between Oscar and me I'm sure we could get them working again." Axel added in desperately trying to make everyone see that the two of them could be of use to the whole group. Daryl nodded unless Rick said otherwise he wasn't going to kick them out. They knew the prison better than anyone and could probably be of help. Until Daryl saw otherwise he'd give them the benefit of the doubt.
"Also need to bring all the food from the kitchen here." Oscar murmured softly. "Better to keep it protected in one place right?" Daryl nodded agreeing, though he was surprised they'd offer to basically give all the food to them. T was right they were good men.
"We'll also need to start looking for places to go on runs." Glenn said looking at Maggie who agreed with him.
"More ammo and baby supplies."
"Good so we have a plan." Daryl mumbled biting his thumb. "You two find one of the cells that isn' in use and set up there." Daryl instructed Axel and Oscar who both looked immensely relieved at his words. The realization that Daryl wasn't going to kick them out sunk into the men and they both sighed. The group slowly started to break off and head to the cellblock or outside. Beth took the box with lil' ass-kicker in it and headed to the cells. Soon it was just Daryl and Hershel left. Daryl fidgeted under the older man's gaze. He couldn't tell what Hershel wanted from him but he must want something. "What?" He mumbled.
"Just wondering what you're planning on doing." He replied calmly. "You don't look like you're ready to go sleep."
"I have some more stuff to do. I'll rest later." Daryl twitched, it wasn't exactly a lie but clearly Hershel could tell he wasn't being totally honest.
"You need sleep more than any of us. You've been going nonstop."
"I'm fine." Hershel stared at him like Daryl had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"You need rest. You look like you're ready to collapse." Daryl didn't doubt that but he also knew that if he stopped even for a second everything would catch up with him. He couldn't have that. The group needed him strong. He couldn't stop. Not now. "Daryl you've done enough. Rest for a while." The hunter didn't realize he was shaking his head until Hershel gave him a heart breaking sad stare with his wise eyes. The hunter sighed.
"I need to check on Rick." He mumbled not looking up. Daryl wouldn't be able to rest until he saw his leader. Until he helped him. Rick had always been there for him so Daryl needed to be there when Rick needed him.
"I could go with you." Hershel offered but Daryl shook his head. If Glenn was right and Rick did attack there was no way he'd risk putting Hershel or anyone else in harm's way. Not while he was around to take whatever physical or emotional beating Rick could dish out.
"Nah I'll handle it. Ya keep an eye on everyone here." Daryl smiled, Hershel stared at the hunter his lips pressed into an unhappy line but he knew that nothing could change the hunter's mind.
"Just be careful and get some rest at some point. We need you sharp, okay son?" Hershel said touching Daryl's shoulder. The hunter thought about how it felt to have someone call him that. His own father had never said anything close to that, let alone show such concern over him. Daryl nodded and gave Hershel a half smirk.
"Keep yer eye on lil' ass-kicker for me."
"Be careful." Hershel smiled and nodded before slowly heading back to the cells. Daryl sighed and pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. He wanted to rest, his body and emotions were at their limit but the hunter knew that his limit was not his breaking point. He knew he could push himself just a little more. The limit and breaking point were two different things. It had been a long time since he'd been at his breaking point. Daryl soldiered on, going deeper into the prison to find Rick.
It wasn't hard to find Rick. All he had to do was follow the blood and bodies. Each walker had been dispatched properly with the heads destroyed. But it wasn't the clean kills he was used to seeing from Rick. It wasn't even his nervous double taps from before the winter. No these were messy violent, rage, and grief stricken kills. Worse he could see the guilt on each kill. The emotional torment Rick felt was worse than he had figured it would be. He had hoped it would be something Rick could work through after killing a few dozen walkers. Daryl himself found killing walkers and hunting both very cathartic in their own ways.
But it didn't look like Rick was working through anything in fact as the bodies continued to pile up the hunter realized Rick was falling deeper and deeper into a very dark, violent, and ugly place. Daryl had spent most of his life in that place and it killed him to realize that Rick was heading towards the same place. After placing countless bodies he found silhouetted in the moonlight was Rick. The man was breathing heavily but otherwise completely still.
"Rick?" Daryl whispered cautiously edging forward. The man didn't twitch or even look towards the hunter. Daryl licked his lips but hesitated to move closer. He didn't want to risk scaring the man or worse have Rick fly off into a rage. Realizing there was no choice Daryl took another step forward and finally Rick shifted slightly turning his face enough for the hunter to see the cold dead stare in the man's eyes. Rick's jaw was set in a tight clench and his eyes were darting around looking for threats.
Daryl noticed all the blood splattered on his face. The man's hands were just as stained. He hated the look on the man. He didn't want Rick to look so haunted. Knowing it might end badly the hunter took a large step forward and slowly took the knife from the man's hand.
Rick offered no fight to the hunter's actions. In fact he didn't even respond when Daryl let his hand linger over the man's blood stained ones. Daryl found a cloth on the ground and gently took Rick's hands in his and started trying to wipe the blood off his hands. There was so much caked on he barely made a dent. The hunter wished he'd had the foresight to bring some food and water with him. That way he could get some food and water into his leader.
Rick was staring blankly at nothing while the hunter continued his slow methodical process. Most people would have been tempted to talk during the process but Daryl knew that at times like this his natural quietness was actually a blessing. Talking could agitate Rick or cause him to grow violent. Daryl continued to rub the blood off but it seemed to do little to help. "I'm sorry." The hunter mumbled looking downward knowing he had failed his leader. "I told ya I'd keep ya safe."
He closed his eyes remembering how he'd promised Lori he'd keep Rick, Carl, and the baby safe. He'd given his oath. He'd broken it. He hadn't protected any of them. He'd let Lori die and ruin Rick, Carl, and little ass kicker for life. He failed them. He'd failed the whole group. He'd done the one thing Dixon's weren't supposed to do and broke his oath. "I failed. I failed ya."
Daryl shivered from the onslaught of emotions. As the feelings started to crush him the hunter felt like he couldn't breathe. Dark spots started to dance in front of his eyes as he began to tunnel out. A sudden hand on the hunter's hunched back had him freezing. He felt warm hands slowly running down his trembling frame. Daryl peeked up through his hair to see Rick looking down at him. He didn't look completely like his old self in fact his eyes were still clouded over with pain and guilt but at least he looked like he realized who was in front of him. "Rick." Daryl breathed. "I'm sorry." Rick didn't respond instead he kept running his hands over the hunter's back. "I'm so sorry."
"Daryl." Rick breathed his voice raw and painful. "I found her." Daryl clenched his jaw. He didn't need to ask who he was talking about. It was obvious. Daryl wanted to apologize again. He should have stayed until they buried Lori until they'd all been buried but he didn't think of it. Too busy trying to help the newborn. "It was here." The man mumbled staring at the floor. It was only then that Daryl saw all the blood he and Rick were standing on. The blood from the birth and the death of Lori. "I … I found her." Rick whispered his voice quavering as a shake rocked through him. "Found her. Found her." He repeated shakily. Daryl nodded.
"Yeah I know." He tried to sooth the man's shaking but Rick's eyes grew wild as he grabbed Daryl's arms in a vice grip.
"I found her." He hissed. Daryl forced the whimper back down his throat at the pressure on his arms. He knew he'd have bruises later. "I found her…. but I didn't find her first." Rick breathed all the anger from before fading from him. His eyes still large and Daryl noticed they were filled with a new emotion, horror. The hunter traced over his words. Before his eyes widened in realization he felt like he had been suddenly sucker punched in the back of the head. Rick stared numbly at the floor as Daryl eyed the blood at his feet. He realized it was dragged off around the corner. The hunter suddenly felt very sick. Bile rising in his throat as his stomach clenched painfully. The hunter followed the blood trail a cold sweat dripping down his neck with each step.
At the end of the trail a bloated walker. Daryl noticed the blood splattered behind it from its brains being exploded out. The hunter examined the walker closely especially when he noticed that Rick had followed him around the corner and was now staring intently at the walker before him. His eyes dark and hateful. Daryl could tell the walker had eaten recently. The hunter slowly ran his hands over the bloated stomach. It was larger than most of the walkers he'd ever seen. The stomach completely distended. He'd seen bloated walkers who'd eaten but nothing like this.
Daryl saw what looked like knife wounds in the walker's belly. He glanced behind him at Rick who was now staring fiercely at the ground. Daryl knew where the blood on the man's hands had come from. He'd attacked this walker, stabbing its stomach repeatedly. Daryl looked at the walker's teeth he could see some skin still stuck in its mouth. But more than that he found long dark hair caught in the gums. The air caught in the hunter's chest. "I didn't find her first." Rick's words replayed in his mind.
Daryl felt sick. He covered his mouth keeping the vomit inside his throat forcing himself to swallow. The hunter panted his body shaking with revulsion. He kept hearing Rick's words in his head. He and Rick had cut a walker open to check if it had eaten Sophia. He had seen the ones that took a bite out of T. But never before had they come across a walker that had eaten a full body, let alone a member of their group. This walker's stomach was full of Lori.
The hunter breathed through his nose not trusting his mouth to open just yet. He could see that even its throat was swollen from being unable to stuff anymore flesh into its already stretched belly. The hunter wished he hadn't taught Rick tracking skills. He might have been able to delude himself into believing that the others found her body. That she had been buried and was at least resting in peace. But no, with the skills he'd learned there was no way Rick didn't know.
He felt anger surge in him at the thought of the graves. What was the point of them? There were no bodies to bury. Only T might have what was left of him in it. Lori and Carol wasn't buried. Daryl knew he shouldn't be mad but he was. He was angry that Glenn and the others hadn't removed Lori's body like they should have. Mad that Rick was the one who found her in this state. Mad that he had to kill the walker when it should have been Daryl's job. But mostly he was mad that he hadn't been here. That he wasn't able to help and protect Rick from this, like he should have. "I should have found her first." Rick whispered from the corner. The hunter slowly rose to his feet and stepped towards the man.
"It wasn' yer fault." He said firmly. Rick's eyes had a faraway look to them.
"Then whose was it?" Rick looked up at the hunter, his blue eyes searching. Daryl swallowed it felt like Rick wanted him to admit his sins. Admit how he'd failed. How he'd broken his oath.
"I am." Rick's eyes narrowed for a second before he shook his head.
"You didn't do anything." Rick mumbled. Daryl wanted to point out that was exactly the point! He didn't do anything. He hadn't helped in any way.
"I should have. I failed ya." Rick put his forehead against the hunter's shoulder. The hunter automatically put his arms around the man's back. He held Rick's shaking frame. Rick's breathing was shaking and the hunter couldn't tell if he was crying or just seeking comfort from another body. After a few minutes Rick pulled back. His eyes were still dark and far away. "I'm sorry." Rick didn't respond to Daryl's words. He was looking behind the hunter to the walker stuffed full of his wife's remains. Daryl wished he could drag the walker out of the room but he doubted he'd be able to without Rick reacting badly. He was calm now but the hunter knew how quickly that could change.
"How did this happen?" Rick whispered. "I was happy this morning wasn't I?" He asked the hunter. "That was real wasn't it?" Daryl didn't blame him for thinking this was all just a terrible nightmare. It felt like it should be. That this was all a nightmare the hunter was having. He wished he could just wake up in Rick's arms again. That it could be last night again and he could start over but the hunter knew he couldn't. Knew this was reality that they were in this hell and no ground hogs day would save them.
"It's real." The hunter whispered
"I found her." Daryl nodded. Rick trembled again. "I found her." Daryl gently took the man's hand and squeezed tightly. The man closed his eyes. They were quiet for a while before Rick opened his eyes again. "Why are you here?" He asked his eyes still dark.
"I came to find ya. To bring ya back."
"Why?" Rick shot back. "Back to what?"
"To the group. Everyone is worried about ya. We need ya. Yer kids need ya." Rick stared at the ground.
"That's different from what you were saying before." Daryl didn't let Rick's harsh words faze him.
"Yer son needs ya. Yer daughter needs ya." Rick's hands twitched violently. "We got her food but she needs her dad." He continued trying to remind Rick what he was leaving behind by staying here. The hunter was trying to pull him out of the darkness and back into sanity. Rick could toe the line between sanity and insanity for all Daryl cared. God knows he was only one foot on the line of sanity himself. His mental stability barely maintained.
But Rick needed to regain some form of sanity. He needed to pull it together enough to keep going. The group needed him to even if it was unfair to the man. Even if it was cruel to force the man to return with his mind still in total chaos. But it also wasn't fair to the group who needed him. They all relied on Rick more than anything at this point. He was a stable force for them all. "Rick we need ya. Yer little girl needs ya." Rick's eyes seemed to grow darker and farther away.
"What happened to not caring about me at all?"
"What?" Daryl asked his eyes bright. "Rick I never said that." Rick chuckled hoarsely.
"So you want to pretend that never happened?" He shook his head. "I don't blame you. We've been fighting so much, too much lately. Why can't we just go back to how it was?" The hunter searched the man's face but he looked completely normal and fine, although his eyes were still strange looking and not the clear sky blue they normally were. Rick's eyes were too large and too glossy.
"Rick I." The hunter couldn't finish before Rick put his arms around Daryl. Rick pressed his nose into the man's neck and inhaled deeply.
"You smell so good." The hunter shifted uncomfortably, he didn't like this sudden shift from pain to arousal. It left him struggling to keep up. He didn't get it, sure Daryl had heard of using sex as a coping mechanism. Hell he'd done that himself at one time or another. But this didn't feel like that at all.
"Rick let's go back to the others." Daryl tried persuading him to return to the cellblock.
"Why? Let's spend more time together." Rick snuggled into Daryl's throat.
"Yer family needs ya." He gasped as Rick sucked on a sensitive spot.
"My family is right here." Daryl's eyes grew wide. His stomach did flips, had Rick really said that? Did he really mean that he cared about the hunter enough to consider him a member of his family? Daryl's heart pounded as joy flooded him. He'd never been accepted like that. He'd never been loved like that. The hunter swallowed his emotions. He knew he should be forcing the man back to the blocks but just a little longer wouldn't hurt, right? He thought desperately trying to convince himself of that. He gripped the back of the man's head letting Rick continue to lick and suck at his neck. Daryl bit back a groan. "Don't hold back your voice." Rick whispered hotly. "You know how much I like hearing you moan Lori." Daryl's eyes shot open. The sexual arousal died in him. His heart shattering when his mind finally pieced it together.
"I'm not Lori." The hunter whispered breathlessly. Rick smiled softly.
"Is this a new game? What should I call you then Lori?" Rick moved in for a kiss and the hunter felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart. Daryl wanted to scream, that he wasn't Lori but his voice wouldn't work. He didn't think of Daryl as part of his family. He didn't think Daryl wasn't to blame. The hunter knew that Rick hadn't been talking to him. He'd been talking to Lori. Since when? How long had he been talking to her instead of him? The hunter clenched his jaw his eyes glassy at the realization that Rick couldn't see him at all. As bad as it had been when they found the prison. This was a thousand times worse. Rick hadn't heard Daryl then, he was too busy trying to protect everyone. It served a purpose.
But this… this wasn't Rick ignoring him or his words. It was him denying the hunter's total existence. Worse he put in his place the image of his dead wife. The woman he said he didn't love anymore. Daryl knew Rick would probably want to return to being with his wife… he just never thought it would be like this. He never thought his very existence would be so totally denied. Even his own father through all his abuse and violence had never totally denied him. He always acknowledged Daryl's life. The hunter realized the most painful thing he could ever experience was to be completely forgotten. To be erased from Rick's sight and have someone else placed on top of him. Tears swelled in Daryl's eyes as he felt Rick's lips on him. His voice murmuring the name of his dead wife. "I love you Lori." Rick whispered directly into Daryl's ear. That broke the hunter.
He couldn't take it anymore and shoved Rick back. Using as much strength as his trembling arms could muster. The force sent Rick sprawling backwards. He slammed into the pipes behind them. Rick looked dazed but not hurt. Daryl was gasping for air, his eyes flushed with emotions.
"I get that yer in pain. I do. I can' imagine how yer feelin'." Daryl whispered, his body shivering. "But I am not Lori. No matter what ya want I can never be her. I wish I could." He locked eyes with Rick who slowly sank to the ground. "I wish it were me instead of her. Because clearly she's the one ya need not me. But I can' take her place." Daryl clenched his jaw forcing himself to continue. "I'm sorry Rick really I am. I wish I could say ya can just fall apart but ya can' we need ya." Daryl took a breath and could see Rick shaking on the floor. "Ya have to pull it together. It's a shitty world now but we can' just stop tryin' we have to keep fightin' otherwise there's no point. Ya have to pull it together. If not for yerself or the group than for yer kids. They need ya. Yer son and daughter need ya."
The hunter noticed Rick's eyes growing glassy and far away again. Anger flushed through him and he grabbed Rick by the collar forcing him to look up at him. "This isn' mournin' it's runnin' away! There is nowhere to run to! This is our reality! There is no escape!" He yelled anger filling his words. "There is no safe place. There's no magic land where this isn' a problem! We have to make this okay!" He shook the man forcefully.
"Lori…" Rick whimpered his voice broken like an abused child. "I can't… I can't…" Daryl locked his jaw and released Rick letting him fall to the ground. His anger fire in his veins.
"Yer pathetic." He spat, his eyes slits. "Ya aren' even willin' to try. Fine wallow in pity and don' try to help yer family or friends. I'll keep them safe. I'll lead them. I'll do what ya can'." Daryl growled his fists balled violently. He desperately wanted to hit some sense into Rick but he knew that wouldn't change anything. It would only make things worse. Daryl started to stalk off. He could hear Rick sobbing Lori's name behind him. "Ya can' escape from this Rick. There is no escape for us." The hunter said softly leaving before he did something he really regretted.
Daryl stormed off in a blind rage not caring where he went. Just needing to get as far away as possible from Rick and his insanity. Daryl felt like he had almost been suffocated by Rick's madness. He felt like he would have lost his own balance on sanity if he stayed there any longer. The last thing he needed was to be seeing his brother while Rick was seeing Lori. One of them had to be okay even if they really weren't. Clearly Rick couldn't do it but Daryl knew he could. He would push beyond everything he was feeling to be the rock the group needed. Even if it destroyed him in the process, he would do it.
Daryl panted his eyes wavering but the hunter pushed onward. He would have kept going until his feet bled had he not tripped over some clutter on the floor. The hunter fell sprawled on the ground, he didn't even try to pull himself up. He just lay there on the dirty bloody floor. The hunter's heart was pounding and his lungs burned from lack of oxygen. Daryl sighed and slowly rolled onto his back. He'd somehow found his way to what seemed like a claustrophobic attic with no windows and dusty broken boxes. The hunter trained mind that was rooted in the man checked for danger but found none.
Daryl sighed letting himself rest. He had told Hershel he would rest later. Daryl had thought he would be able to get Rick back to the group before he reached his breaking point. But he was so wrong. He was miles past his breaking point. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. His whole body ached from lack of sleep and food. His shoulders still throbbed from pressing against the door for so long. His mind shot from all the pain and loss he'd suffered. His emotions raw and bloody.
The things Rick had said still ringing in his ears. Each replay drove the knife in a little more. To the point that Daryl couldn't breathe. Tears filled the hunter's gaze as he struggled to hold on. He knew he couldn't just pretend he hadn't been pushed past his breaking point. No this was the farthest Daryl had ever been past his breaking. The hunter sighed heavily and covered his eyes, he let exhaustion take over his body. He ignored the warm feeling of tears running down his cheeks. For once he let himself be weak. Mercifully Merle and his inner demons let him rest silently for the rest of the night.
By the time the hunter opened his eyes again, it was lighter out. He wasn't sure how long he'd slept for. It didn't feel like very long. His body still ached painfully but his mind was clearer. His emotions were still raw but not the same festering wound from yesterday. It felt closer to a wound scabbing over than one still bleeding. Daryl sat up and worked some of the soreness out of his body. He slowly made his way back to the front of the prison. He didn't run into anyone luckily.
He pushed out of the prison and made a beeline for the graves. Daryl pulled the flower out of his pocket. It was a little smashed after all that had happened but he hoped Carol understood the meaning instead of the presentation. He sighed looking down at the grave. He knew she wasn't in there but it didn't help him feel much better. "Ya would have handled that so much better." Daryl whispered thinking with complete despair and regret how he'd treated Rick.
The man was wounded probably more so than the rest of them. He was suffering, in pain and out of his mind with grief and guilt. But instead of trying to understand him or help him he'd undoubtedly made it worse. He ruined Rick. No matter how the man treated him, Daryl knew he had hurt Rick worse. He'd damaged a man who was barely hanging on. Daryl couldn't think of anything crueler. "If it had been ya or Hershel ya would have helped him." Daryl closed his eyes. "I'm no good at the soft touches. Ya were better than me at that." He sighed heavily. "Ya helped me after… well ya know."
He remember how Carol hadn't given up on him after Sophia even though she had to be in more pain than he himself was in. She hadn't let him pull away from them even though he had been so cruel to her. "God even Rick helped me every time I was strugglin'. Ya two were always there supportin' and helpin' me and how did I repay ya?" Daryl felt so much self-loathing towards himself. "I just… I snapped." He admitted. "I didn' even mind him thinkin' I was Lori. I mean yeah I don' look that much like her." He chuckled weakly at his own joke. "Not funny. I know." He mumbled. "I hated him just givin' up. Him not fightin' for his kids, for the group…. For me." Daryl bit his lip. "I wanted him to remember how much we need him. He just lost his wife. The woman who gave birth to his children. I understand he loved her even after everythin'. I always expected him to go back to her."
Daryl hung his head. He always thought Rick would go back to Lori after he'd gotten his fill of him but the choice had been taken from him. Daryl wished so desperately that the horrible selfish cruel person hidden deep inside his heart wasn't relieved and happy that Rick would have to stay with him. That thought killed the hunter because it was so unfair to Rick, to Lori.
Daryl wished he could cut these feelings out of his chest but he couldn't. He gasped clutching at his chest as the painful burning in his heart intensified. "I wanted to help him. I wanted him to see me. I wanted to be the one to pull Rick up. He always pulled me up and I so desperately wanted to do the same for him. I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me. That I was a part of his family." Daryl choked back tears as his body shook. The pain of having lost so much so fast hitting him tenfold. "Oh god Carol I want ya here. Ya would know what to do. Ya would know how to help him." He gasped barely able to talk.
He wanted Carol here and T and Lori and Dale and hell even Merle. He wanted everyone he'd lost after the world ended back. He wanted everyone he'd lost before the world ended back. He wanted his mother's comforting hand on his head. He wanted Carol's warm hugs. He wanted Rick's gentle smile helping him forward. He wanted Merle's strong hand on his back giving him that push he needed. Daryl closed his eyes and slowly sank to his knees. "I failed ever'one." He whispered. "Everyone needed me and I failed them." Daryl trembled as emotion started to overwhelm him.
"Oh wah wah." A harsh growling voice replied above him. Daryl rocked back onto his heels and titled his head back. Standing a little behind him was Merle, his eyes narrow and dark. "Stop bein' such a little bitch." Daryl clenched his jaw. Just what he needed, his brother being an asshole to him.
"Go away."
"Nah I think I'll stay." Merle laughed crouching down next to him. "Bad day Darylina?"
"Ya could say that." Merle hummed softly
"Gonna lay down and die?" Daryl glared at his brother who was smiling viciously. "Ya need to stop blammin' shit on yer actions.
"Easier said than done." Daryl sighed. He doubted he could ever feel like he hadn't failed everyone around him. It was ingrained in him, and it was always his fault. At this point in his life he was inclined to believe his father had been right all along about how worthless he was.
"Ya got enough guilt to start yer own damn religion. The cult of Daryl where the Saint Daryl lives forever while everyone else around him dies and it's his fault that he's alive and they aren'. It's not their own stupid mistakes that caused them to die. Nope it's all on ya." Daryl's fists were balled so tightly he could feel blood starting to leak from the wounds his nails cut into his palm. "Ya will have to start preachin' to walkers."
"Shut up asshole." Merle chuckled darkly.
"Nut up boy. Pull yer damn balls out of yer purse and get to work. Ya don' have time to lay here whinin' like a child who didn' get their Christmas present."
"I never got a Christmas present." Daryl mutter angrily not enjoying his own mind lecturing him though Merle.
"Shut it. The time for whinin' is over. Time to take charge. Now get up and be a real man. Yer a Dixon aren' ya?"
Daryl blinked the emotional pain and overwhelming feeling of failure suddenly cleared. The hunter rose to his feet. Merle was an ass but he was right. He didn't have time to sit around feeling sorry for himself. He needed to pull himself together. Daryl didn't totally believe that he wasn't to blame. He couldn't.
"Ironic huh?" He mumbled. "Rick sees me as Lori and I see Merle. We're all fucked up aren' we?" He wasn't really expecting a response. In fact it would have disturbed him more if he had gotten one. He knew that everyone who survived until now was screwed up in some way or another at this point. No one had escaped unfazed by the madness. Some just hid it better than others. Daryl gave Carol's grave one final look before starting up towards the prison. He owed it to everyone they'd lost so far to keep the group moving and alive.
Daryl opened the door and was greeted by the sound of crying. His ears drums spasmed painfully at the sound but he ignored the ringing in his ears. Hershel was holding the girl while Beth put together a bottle. Everyone else was trying to eat around the shrill cries. Finally Beth handed her father the bottle and he shushed the girl while feeling her. The group shared a collective sigh at the silence. Daryl took a small bowl of food and sat on the stairs giving everyone else room to eat around the table.
"Good morning." Axel greeted happily. Daryl grunted a response not feeling very social right now. "I was thinking of heading down to the generators see if I can fix them up." Axel continued looking to Daryl for approval. "The sooner we get it fixed the better right?" Daryl couldn't deny that and huffed agreeing with the man. "You'll switch in with me later right?" Oscar nodded and watched Axel leave. Silence filled the space between the two men. Daryl didn't feel like talking at all. The group needed him and that was why he was with them. But honestly he just wanted to find a quiet corner and just stop thinking and caring for a little while. But he didn't have that luxury anymore, with Rick gone someone had to take charge.
"I just wanted to thank you for letting us stay." Oscar said suddenly. Daryl nodded. He didn't want to mention that Rick might decide to kick them out. He also didn't want to mention that T had been right, it had cost him his life to prove it however.
"I think we need to clear out more of the prison today." Oscar hummed in agreement.
"I'm ready when you are."
"Ya goin' on a run later?" Daryl called to Glenn and Maggie.
"Yeah we found a few places that might have some stuff left over." Glenn said.
"Who would have thought that phone books would be so useful at the end of the world?"
"I preferred the phone book." Hershel grumbled.
"Daddy never liked the internet." Beth giggled as she took lil' ass kicker from her father. She bounced the baby on her knee.
"That's cause daddy called the computer 'the useless box' instead of computer." Maggie added in. The group shared a chuckle. It had been a long time since he'd even thought about a computer. Merle enjoyed them for the porn and gambling (though he preferred the real thing.) Daryl wondered briefly what it would be like had none of this happened. He expected they'd have hover cars and voice controlled TVs.
"Are you thinking of clearing the prison more?" Hershel asked redirecting everyone in a serious direction.
"Yeah lower levels and the outer area are my first priority."
"You can't go alone." Maggie said giving him a hard look, clearly thinking Daryl would try to do it alone. To be honest he had considered it. They were down people. They barely had enough to cover the normal formation as it was. With Hershel, Beth, Maggie, Glenn, and Axel all busy and Rick out of commission there was very few people to bring with him. There was Oscar and … Daryl glanced at the boy, Carl. Could he really take the kid with him? After everything that had happened? The hunter worried his lip as he tried to make a decision`. Before the hunter could decide one way or another the door from outside the cellblock opened. Daryl's eyes felt like saucers in his skull. Standing there was Rick. His face and hands cleaned of blood and he didn't have the same faraway look in his eyes from yesterday.
Daryl kept his eyes on Rick as he touched Carl's shoulder gently. The guilt from what he said yesterday hit him tenfold. He'd expected Rick to ignore his presence but instead he strolled over to him and asked how the group was, if everyone was armed. Daryl was reminded of the man he had met over a year ago. The leader that Rick naturally was. But at the same time he knew Rick wasn't 100% he looked better certainly but not how he should. His eyes didn't have that bright intelligent shine to them that had drawn the hunter in to trusting the man in the first place.
The hunter listen to Rick explain how he'd cleared the boiler block of a dozen or so walkers. That alone bothered Daryl because by his count there was at least three dozen walkers in that area. He didn't doubt for a second that Rick had cleared them all out. The danger that was involved worried the hunter. He knew Rick hadn't been in his right mind but he didn't think the man was stupid enough to risk getting overwhelmed without backup.
Glenn tried to convince Rick that he could take a break and that they would handle the other walkers. Rick didn't seem to like that at all and his face twisted with displeasure and said he had to be the one to clear out the prison. Rick quickly returned back to the madness of the inner prison leaving everyone else in shock at his actions. Daryl realized that while Rick was here he talked to Carl, to him, even to Glenn but not once did he ever look completely at Glenn. The hunter realized Glenn had been too close to Beth. Or more specifically to his newborn daughter. He didn't take one look at her. Almost like Rick was trying to ignore her existence entirely. Daryl clenched his jaw, he understood that Rick was suffering but trying to ignore the reality wouldn't help him. It wasn't fair to Lori and it especially wasn't fair to his daughter.
Daryl wished he could go after Rick and force him to get his shit together but after what had happened yesterday he couldn't bring himself to move. The hunter feared that he would only make things worse again. At least Rick had pulled himself together enough to check in on them. That was an improvement if nothing else. He hoped that his leader would find his way back a little bit at a time. Clearly he wasn't the person to help Rick, as much as it killed him to admit that. Daryl sighed shoving the rest of his food into his mouth. He didn't want to sit around brooding over issues he couldn't change. Instead he decided to act and do something to help the group. He stood up and gathered his crossbow.
"Oscar ya in for clearin' a block?" The larger man nodded and stood up. Daryl cast his eye towards Carl. The boy was staring blankly at his food. The hunter hated the idea of leaving him to continue to blame himself for something he had no control over. What happened with Lori wasn't his fault. Daryl gently nudged the boy's shoulder. "Ya in?" Carl stared at him long and hard. His blue eyes both distrusting and hopeful. He worried his lip before nodding wordlessly. Carl ate more of his food quickly knowing he would probably need the energy, because things were never simple for them. While Carl checked over his gun and silencer and Oscar grabbed a bladed weapon. Daryl checked over his own supplies. He considered bringing a full quiver of arrows but the narrow hallways made his favored weapon less effective than his knife. Before they could leave Hershel hobbled over to him.
"Daryl." He called softly.
"Hm?" The hunter grunted showing his attention.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"It needs to be done." He replied simply.
"I know but…" Hershel paused looking at little ass kicker. "I'm worried about Rick. Shouldn't getting him back here be a higher priority than killing some walkers?" Daryl clenched his jaw and stared at the ground. He agreed with Hershel but he couldn't try again. Rick's words from last night nearly killed him. He didn't think he could hear them again not now, not while his chest still ached from the memory of it.
"I can' get him back here." He ground out. Admitting that nearly killed him. What was the point of being so close to Rick if he couldn't help him? Clearly he was even less helpful to the man than he had originally thought.
"You're the only one who can." Hershel insisted. Daryl closed his eyes. He wished that was true, he really did but he knew it wasn't.
"Look he doesn' need me. I'll only make him worse." Hershel shook his head not believing the hunter.
"You're wrong. I'm sure you'll-"
"I already tried!" Daryl growled harshly. He immediately felt bad for snapping at Hershel. But he stood by his words. Daryl expected Hershel to turn away from him but instead he edged closer.
"Did you see him last night?" Daryl's hand tightened but he nodded slightly seeing no point in trying to deny the truth.
"Yeah I tried to get him to come back here." Hershel swallowed.
"How was he?"
"Not good. He was half delirious." Daryl didn't feel the need to explain how Rick had seen him as Lori. "Covered in blood." Hershel considered his words for a moment.
"He looked better today though didn't he?" Daryl nodded.
"Yeah he did."
"Half delirious you said?" The hunter nodded again. "That could be from lack of fluids and food." Hershel mumbled his medical training coming out.
"Maybe." He whispered but Daryl thought that was only a small part of the problem. He worried his lip and wavered trying to decide if it was safe to tell Hershel what he'd seen. "Rick found Lori." He whispered. Hershel's eyes grew huge and sad. The hunter wondered if he was remembering his family the barn in this moment. He spared Hershel the detail of the walker who had eaten Lori. Hershel was already pale with sympathetic pain. "I can' help him Hershel. I can only keep us goin' forward." Daryl finished.
"But-"
"Hershel yer better at helpin' people than I am. Ya should go talk to him. Ya would be able to actually help him." Daryl said walking away effectively ending the conversation. Hershel looked like he wanted to say more but Daryl couldn't bring himself to stay talking about the man he couldn't help. He certainly hoped Hershel would be able to help Rick in his place but the urge to act pushed him forward. He didn't see the point in just standing around talking when he could work on making a change. "Ya ready?" He asked Carl and Oscar. Both nodded and followed Daryl towards the cells. They were silent for a while before Oscar chuckled softly.
"I've been trying to remember what the other prisoners called these deeper blocks. I finally remembered."
"What did they call them?" Carl asked when Oscar paused for too long.
"The tombs." He breathed. Daryl tried to repress the goose bumps that rose on his arms. What a horrible name, the hunter thought. It embodied exactly what he felt about the prison. Worse was how true it was not only for the prisoners here but also for their group members.
There was surprisingly few walkers around for them to kill. It left plenty of space for painful silences. Carl was staring at the floor his eyes dark while he had his gun out he wasn't completely aware of his surroundings. Daryl tried to figure out what to say. Oscar pointed out a door that was moving slightly. Daryl glanced it over. The door wasn't able to open fully due to the bodies in front of the frame. He decided it would be easier to deal with the clearly weaker walker, later. They were moaning lightly but Daryl doubted the walker inside the room would be a problem for him.
The hunter listened to Oscar walk away before he glanced at Carl. Daryl didn't know how to help the boy but he hoped he could relate to him. That maybe letting him know he understood how he felt could somehow help ease the boy's mind. Daryl slowly began telling the story of the last time he'd seen his mother. He couldn't bring himself to go into detail, giving only vague examples of her. That she liked her wine. But he knew she liked more than that. She loved flowers and things that grew with or without human's touch. How she liked to smoke in bed but those were usually days when his father had beaten her so badly she couldn't stand without crying out from the pain. He could still remember the smell of her hands, the cigarettes mixing in with the smell of dirt and flowers. The combination creating a scent so completely her. The pain of her life mixed in with the strength of her will.
A part of him had always wondered why she was willing to stay with his father, when he hurt her so badly. But he knew it was an answer even she didn't have totally. Just like it was a question he could easily ask of himself. Why had he stayed with his father for so long after all he did to him? Why was pain and love so entwined together in the Dixon family? Why couldn't they show their love without causing pain to each other?
He sighed knowing there was no answer to these questions. He could work them over again and again until his head exploded from the constant circles and still never reach a real answer. The relationships in the Dixon family was as complicated as how the world became full of walkers. The pain and love between them wasn't so easily unwound. The hurt and caring two pieces of the same coin and Daryl didn't know how to separate them. He doubted anyone in his family did.
Taking a deep breathe Daryl continued, telling Carl how the neighborhood kids and him heard the sirens growing louder. How they had followed the sounds trying to see something interesting on a boring summer day. He remembered rounding the corner and found all the eyes looking at him. Dozens of eyes just staring holes into his face. Pity, sorrow, even twisted glee. He remembered how everyone parted away from him as he moved through the crowd. Never before in his life had people moved away from him like that. He was used to having to push his small body through the crowds struggling to squeeze between people who'd rather he drop dead than let him past them. But that time they all moved away letting him move through the sea of eyes. The heat and smell of fire had crushed his body. His lungs unable to breathe anymore through the pain and shock. He'd realized too late the sirens were there for his house.
Daryl described how his mother was just gone but it was so much more than that. She wasn't just gone she was erased. The smell of her gone. The warmth from her had been stolen from him. He couldn't even remember the last thing she'd said to him. He could still recall his mother's voice but it was paler than it had been before. Far away somehow like even the memories of her were being stolen from him. He remembered how things had gotten so much worse after her death. He hadn't realized until she was gone but his mother had been like a dam soaking up all the anger and violence of his father. Sure Daryl had been struck when he was younger even with his mother around but after his mother had died his father's rage had no outlet other than his sons. Daryl often wondered if it was better that his mother had died at least that way she was free from his father. But at the same time he had wanted so desperately to cling to her and wished she could have been there to guide him. He was lost to the whims and rages of his family otherwise. Things might have been so different had his mother lived.
Daryl sighed bringing himself out of his memories back to the grimy blood stained prison. Carl's soft voice whispered.
"I shot my mom." Daryl's stomach dropped. He turned to the boy whose gaze was dropped to the floor. He knew Carl had been there when his mom had died but… To be the one to shoot her? He didn't know, never could have guessed that Carl would have to do such an excruciating thing. Daryl felt that familiar pang of failure in his gut. Had he done his job correctly Carl never would have been put in such a situation. Everyone should have been safe but he'd failed to protect everyone. Carl glanced up at the hunter. His eyes darker and more mature than a boy his age had a right to look like. "I'm sorry about your mom." Carl whispered gently.
"I'm sorry about yers." He breathed, the two stared at each other sharing in the pain and loss. Daryl knew his mother disappearing in a puff of smoke didn't compare in any way to Carl having to shoot his own mother. Daryl doubted he'd ever be able to do that to his own mother. Hell he doubted he'd be able to shoot any of his family. It just... Didn't seem possible. It was more of that pain and suffering and love of the Dixon family. They were so connected in their agony towards each other that he couldn't imagine being completely cut off from them. No matter the pain his father had caused he couldn't imagine killing him. It would be like killing himself. Daryl knew that a deep dark part of him wanted, no needed to be punished. Because of his failures. He had wanted to be punished for letting his mother die. For not saving her. He needed his father to blame him for failing to protect his family like a true Dixon should. He couldn't kill his father because that would be like trying to kill off his guilt. The guilt needed to fester and grow inside of him, as payment for all that he had ruined. Though that mattered little now… his mother, father, and brother were all dead. He was the last Dixon alive. No one left to punish him for his failures and no one left to judge him for his sins.
They walked forward slowly neither talking, both lost in their thoughts and painful memories. "I'm sorry that ya had to do that. Ya should have never had to do that." Carl took a shuddering breath.
"It had to be done… Right?" He whispered like he expected Daryl to be mad about his action. Or maybe that he wanted Daryl to be mad about it. The hunter knew that feeling well.
"It did but ya shouldn' have been the one to do it. It should have been me." Carl paused and stared at him hard.
"Why should it have been you?"
"Because it's right." Carl worried his lip.
"It's not your job to do all the hard stuff."
Daryl froze his eyes huge. He wanted to scream that yes it was, that without him doing the hard stuff, what use did the group have for him? With Carl's huge blue eyes he felt like he was looking at his father, like Rick was gazing at him telling him he didn't have to do all the painful stuff. Daryl suddenly wanted to see Rick so desperately, like he suddenly couldn't breathe because Rick wasn't there. His stomach clenched tightly into a knot.
"But I...I failed us all." Carl's too mature eyes stared at him somehow reading deep into the hunter's mind.
"You didn't fail us at all." Daryl felt his hand shaking. He could hear Rick's voice echoing Carl's words. He closed his eyes and took a moment to compose himself. He gave Carl a shakily smile. But in his heart he couldn't believe the boy's words. How could he? Not after everything that had happened. He should have done more.
"Yer efforts will never be enough. They're all goin' to die and ya will be left all alone again. How far will ya fall when they die? And we all fall down…" Merle's voice sang in his ear. The glee and excitement cutting Daryl deep. If everyone died…. There would be nothing left of him. He wouldn't be able to continue. The hunter knew that if this group fell he would fall with them. There was no coming back from this. He had put too much of himself into them and needed this to work but right now… it felt like they were on the edge of the cliff. They were titling but if it was towards the safety behind them or the death in front of them he couldn't tell.
...Hi everyone... I am so so sorry that it has taken me this long to post this... I am beyond ashamed. I meant to have it up sooner but finals went on longer than usual and I was sick for over a week... Still I'm sorry! Forgive me!
I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. (even though parts of it are rather mean if I do say so myself *cough cough* Rick and Daryl angst.) Anyway I want to thank you all for being patient and letting me know how much you were looking forward to this chapter! If you have time let me know what you thought of this chapter. I enjoyed writing it (even if it took forever to finish) hopefully you will all enjoy reading it! Anyway hopefully I'll see you all in the next chapter and have a happy new year everyone!
I don't know why but for some reason I've had a bunch of trouble posting this chapter. So sorry if you guys weren't able to read the latest chapter. I've been struggling to figure out what could have gone wrong with the website to make the chapter unavailable. Sorry again. Sometimes technology is not my friend!
