They continued in silence for a while until Oscar let out a pleased coo over having found some slippers. Daryl stared at him hard when he explained they were for relaxing at the end of the day. The hunter couldn't comprehend that, if he was being totally honest he doubted he'd ever been completely relaxed in over a year. He'd been less tense, at peace certainly but never so much that his ears weren't constantly listening for danger. His eyes were always looking for something to go wrong.
Daryl always feared that if he relaxed too much, let down his guard just a little the group would pay for his lack of focus. Almost immediately his point was proven by the loud growling at the entrance of the cell. Whirling quickly Daryl ignored the ringing in his ears from Oscar's and Carl's missed shots. He breathed slowly and hit the heavy set walker right in the temple. Daryl exhaled harshly feeling his adrenaline jumping in his veins. They were singing a pleasant little song inside his body as he worked the nerves off.
Can't ever relax. He scolded himself mentally, thinking he should have finished clearing the area before letting Oscar claim his prize. Daryl also made a mental note to remind the group to keep clam during a shock. Oscar and Carl had both missed and that can't happen regardless of the circumstances.
He moved to retrieve his arrow but his heart stuttered in his chest when he noticed a familiar black handle in the throat of the walker. Pulling it out with a pop and squish of blood, Daryl's fears were confirmed. The knife was Carol's. He bit his lip clenching the metal tightly. Daryl's mind was dragged back to the room Oscar had flagged, down at the end of the hall. The hunter had a sickening feeling in his gut.
The pieces connected together in his mind despite his best attempts to stop them. It was like fighting gravity. He knew what or rather who… or who used to be his best friend was in the cell at the end of the hall. Daryl locked his jaw forcing all the emotions that threatened to choke him and shoved them smaller and smaller into a micro sized box deep in his chest. He didn't face Oscar or Carl didn't trust himself not to let his emotions show.
"Why don' ya two head back?" He said softly. "Check in on the group."
"What about the bodies?" Oscar asked staring at the walker at the hunter's feet.
"I'll handle it." Daryl murmured working hard to keep his voice even.
"We should stick together." Carl said forcefully with the willfulness of a child who wanted their parents to go with them on the first day of school.
"We already cleared this area. I'll be fine."
"We should stay together." Daryl licked his lips thinking of the one time he'd held Rick's colt. How heavy it had been. The weight of killing one of their own made the gun shake in his hands. He'd told Rick there was no reason he had to do all the heavy lifting, and he meant it. Daryl wouldn't, couldn't let Oscar or even worse Carl do it. Not after what he had to do with his own mother before she turned. Daryl tried to focus on how to get the pair to leave him alone to his painful and difficult task. He swallowed and tilted his head to look at Oscar.
"I just need a few minutes to myself." He gave the man a hard stare. He hoped Oscar would either assume he needed time to grieve or that he needed time alone to bleed off some tension. The equivalent of a sock on the door. The way Oscar's eyes widened, he must have taken it as the latter rather than former. Daryl didn't care one way or another as long as it got him out of explaining what he intended to do. Though a small part of him recoiled at the thought that Oscar might think he is some kind of sicko who got off on dead bodies.
Daryl couldn't deny that adrenaline and a damn good fight could get his blood pumping but never the walkers themselves. Regardless Oscar put his hand on Carl's shoulder and started leading the boy away mentioning he needed to switch in with Axel soon. Daryl waited until he couldn't hear the pair's footsteps anymore before heading back to the door that was still slowly pushing and moving every few minutes.
Daryl wished he had the strength to just rip the door open and slam the knife into her… it's skull without a second thought. He wished he could be completely cold and detached, that once someone became a walker they weren't his friend anymore. But he couldn't… just do that. His heart wasn't built that way. They were his friends, they were the only thing he had left in his life that he cared about. Daryl hesitated over the door and tried to will his fingers to grab the handle. Screamed at his body to just move. To just detach the brain and heart from his body. Instead Daryl's legs took him to the wall and he slid down.
He kept his eyes on the door wishing he could just do this. But the hunter felt paralyzed. He clenched the knife and slammed it against the floor. Imagining he was slamming it into the brain of a walker. He tried to imagine the smell (which wasn't hard), the blank eyes, and rotten flesh dripping off the skin. He focused on the snarling noises and gnashing teeth. He took every walker he'd ever seen and compressed them into a single horrifying picture. Daryl focused that image and put it on the mental image he'd produced of Carol. The night they first spent at the prison and the smiles and jokes they'd traded with each other. He pressed the images together like one would squish a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He smushed them into one like he would his whole sandwich into a ball as a child so there was no space between the two. Daryl stared at the image of his best friend, of her dead but not truly dead eyes. But he couldn't maintain the image. The kind smiling Carol broke through.
Daryl exhaled the pain and thunked his head against the wall. He glanced at the knife in his hand. He remember the smile she'd given him when he gave her the knife. It had been when they were staying in the storage units. He had come across the small blade in the guard house at the entrance to the units. She'd smiled broadly asking if it was her birthday. Daryl had mumbled at the time that it was. She had laughed and said it was the best birthday present she'd ever gotten. Daryl had always hoped he could find a better stronger blade that would have suited her perfectly. He always thought there would be time. He hated knowing that he'd failed his best friend.
He sighed collecting himself. He had to do this, had to. He couldn't ask anyone else. The only one he could even consider asking for help was barely holding on himself. No this was all his. Dixon's always got the short end of the stick like it was some kind of unspoken rule that they get screwed over by the universe. Daryl jumped to his feet and kicked the door that kept trying to open. He paced trying to work the pain and nerves out of his skin. He wanted to believe he would never hesitate when faced with a walker. But damn it, this was different! He could hear Merle's voice from his memories of when they were still children. How they'd both put Band-Aids on the small of their backs (on a dare of course) where the little hairs were small but horribly sensitive. Merle had chuckled when Daryl begged him to just let his fall off in the bath. Merle had ripped it off in one painful tug leaving a young Daryl swearing and with tears filling his eyes. Merle had told him it was better to get it over and done with followed with a harsh 'quit being such a little bitch.'
Daryl nodded to himself knowing it would be worse the longer he waited. He steeled himself clamping down on all his thoughts and emotions before dragging the heavy walker in front of the door away. He threw the door open and raised the knife turning off his head while he did. He pulled back ready to slam the blade down but his arm froze, he hesitated as his feet kept rocking forward trying to propel the action. While a small voice in his head whimpered to him that he couldn't do it. Carol's head slowly turned to him and the hunter felt his knife drop. All the strength gone from his body. He expected to see those same dead eyes he was so used to seeing from walkers but instead her bright blue eyes met his. They were tired and weak but there was no denying that it was Carol who was looking at him. He reached forward touching her chin and tilting it slightly. There was no bites he could see and he felt no fever. He'd check her out later to make double sure but for the moment all Daryl wanted was to get Carol away from this hallway full of death. Get her back to the group, back to the family. He picked her up pressing her thin body tight to his chest as he supported under her knees and her back in a princes carry. He could feel Carol's shallow breathe caressing his cheek. Her eyes flickered for a moment before glancing up at him.
"Daryl." Carol whispered softly as he lifted her a little higher in his arms, so she wouldn't fall. "Have you come to take me on a date?" She half smiled at him. He smirked weakly back.
"Yep, five star restaurant, movie, and dancin'." He replied trying to keep his tone light, trying not to realize how terrified he was.
"Sounds nice." She mumbled.
"Yep. Ya know me, Mr. Romance." Carol chuckled softly.
"I knew you'd find me." She whispered to him. Daryl squeezed her tighter. He'd been convinced he'd open the door to find her either dead or turned into a walker. That idea hurt him deeper than he ever thought it could. "Thank you."
"Course. It's what we do." He nodded.
"It's what you do." She mumbled, before Daryl could ask what she meant Carol slumped against his chest. Daryl's heart constricted for a moment before he saw her chest rising gently.
"Just passed out." He mumbled to himself, moving quickly to cellblock C. He didn't let himself think that she could by dying in his arms. That he was holding the last of her life in his fingers. She was strong she'd live. She lived through her husband's abuse, his death, losing her daughter, the reality of her death, losing friends, and had made it here with all of them despite everything. She wouldn't die here. He wouldn't let her. He needed her just as much as the group did. No one else was dying not if he could stop it. "Yer goin' to live. Ya have to!" He told the unconscious woman. He came through the back way of the cellblock and gently put Carol on her bed. She stirred slightly when he pulled his arms away from her back. "Ya rest I'll get Hershel."
"Daryl." She called softly. "Is everyone alright?" He licked his lips not meeting her eyes.
"Rest." He whispered, the sadness in her face was palpable. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her how many they'd lost. Daryl hoped that she could rest before he told her what happened to their group. He walked towards the large common room, stopping only for a moment when he realized he could hear voices from the room. Daryl inhaled deeply he could faintly smell and hear the usual group but there was a new scent mixed with the heavy metal smell of blood. Someone was there he didn't recognize and another scent he was certain he wouldn't smell again for weeks.
He stepped into the room. He wished his eyes hadn't immediately dropped to Rick but they had. He swallowed thickly trying to see if it was his Rick or the one he'd met that had been half insane with grief. But the way Rick was crouched menacingly away from him told Daryl nothing about the man in front of him. He licked his lips hoping his voice wouldn't crack. "Rick." He breathed too soft, no one could hear him. He tried again and Rick turned towards him. His blue eyes meeting Daryl's. The hunter felt his heart stutter to a stop in his chest. It looked like Rick. Tired, emotionally raw, but he was undeniably looking at him. More than that Rick was staring right at him, not looking behind him at some visage of his dead wife or something worse. Daryl highly doubted Rick was 100% better, hell none of them were a 100% anymore. But he looked better, closer to the leader he respected and would die for without a second thought.
Daryl forced himself to look away from Rick to the woman he was standing over. Daryl was shocked by how beautiful she was. Under all the blood and grime he could tell she was very pretty. But more than that he could see she was a fighter, strong and powerful. Someone that he immediately identified with. Everyone always wants to run around with a sword and have the whole badass factor. But very few actually have the skill to use and maintain one properly. Clearly she knew her stuff and she was alone from what he could tell. It took a real person of strength and willpower to survive all alone in this world. Even before the world ended that took strength after it took an almost undefeatable will.
She was glaring at all of them like a wounded animal ready to fight until her last breath and hope she could take as many of them down as possible. She would have to be dealt with carefully underestimating her could get a lot of them hurt, he decided. But first he needed to have Carol looked at. He called them back with him and led Rick to her cell. The look of shock and relief on his leader's face warmed the hunter's heart. Rick hugged her tightly smiling at her. Carol didn't need to be told what had happened to Lori. One look at the baby and Rick and she knew what had happened. Her eyes filled with tears as she held Rick. She hugged him tightly while Rick's shoulders shook. Daryl let the moment fill the group. Not daring to breathe for a bit, fearing he'd break this moment of peace. Or as much peace as they could have with all the shit that has happened over the last few hours. Rick himself was the one who broke the peace however.
"Hershel." He called hoarsely. "Will you check her out?"
"She doesn't have any bites but I think she's pretty dehydrated." Daryl whispered giving what little help he could to the vet.
"When you're done come get us. We still need you to check over the samurai." Rick sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose. Daryl expected to stay in the cell with Carol and Hershel but Rick grabbed his arm and turned his eye to the hunter. "Come with me." Daryl silently followed his leader while his heart started pounding in his chest. He felt like he was marching to his doom. Rick took him to a corner of the cell block as far away from the others as they could get without actually leaving the cell. Rick sighed deeply and leaned against the wall. Daryl watched him closely warily expecting the other foot to drop at any moment. "Thanks for finding Carol." Daryl nodded. He felt like that should have been obvious that he would find her. He would have saved her or any of their members without being told to do it. It was beyond automatic for him. It was instinct. "Are you okay?" Rick asked after a moment of silence. Daryl almost started laughing at the question. Was he? Was any of them really okay? He sighed and shrugged.
"Are ya okay?" He returned the question watching Rick's face darken slightly.
"Not really." He sighed. The dark circles in Rick's eyes deepening. "Things have gone to shit so fast." Daryl nodded.
"Yeah." He sighed and leaned against the wall next to Rick.
"I'm sorry for leaving everything to you."
"It's what I'm here for." Daryl mumbled biting his lip. He couldn't help but wonder how much Rick really remembered from the last day. Did he remember the things he said? Did he realize who he said was a part of his family? A part of Daryl felt like Rick would never realize what he had said to him. Perhaps that would be for the best the hunter decided, with only a little bit of bitterness stirring in his heart.
"Still I should have been there."
"What do ya think of that chick?" Daryl couldn't bring himself to stay with the current topic. As much as he wanted Rick to remember the things he'd said to him another larger part of him was terrified that he actually would remember what had happened between them. So Daryl decided that the only thing left for them was to never bring it up and pray that it will stay buried between them. As long as he never mentioned it and Rick never remembered there would be no problem. Only he would be left with the painful memories of what had happened but that would easily spare Rick from the pain as well and Daryl decided that was the best idea for both of them.
"She was outside the gates with a bunch of supplies." Daryl's eyes narrowed.
"What kind of supplies?"
"Formula." Daryl's jaw unconsciously clenched. Glenn and Maggie had mentioned earlier that morning they were going on a run. They should be back by now. He could tell that Rick was clearly thinking the same thing he was. They were both sharing the same dark thoughts and fears.
"Ya think she attacked them?" The hunter turned his eyes towards the common room door.
"I'm not sure." Rick admitted. "I mean what would she really gain from stealing formula?"
"Better question why would she come here if she attacked Glenn and Maggie? It doesn' make sense." Rick nodded and hit his lip in thought.
"Do you think they invited her here?"
"If they did they went about it in a dumbass way. I mean she doesn' even know our names. Nah somethin' happened." Daryl concluded. He hated that was all his mind could think. I mean maybe Glenn and Maggie invited her here but he just couldn't bring himself to truly believe that. They weren't dumb enough to invite someone they didn't know to the prison. Not without letting the rest of the group know about the person. He realized he was too much of a pessimist by nature to believe that something hadn't happened to them. Rick sighed heavily letting his body fall completely against the wall. Exhaustion overwhelming him.
"I was afraid you'd say that." Clearly Rick had been thinking the same thing as Daryl but he needed the hunter to confirm his fears.
"How do ya want to handle this?"
"We need to find out what she knows, see if she did hurt Glenn and Maggie. If not maybe she knows where they are."
"And if she did hurt them?" Rick's eyes darkened several shades as his jaw locked.
"Then we kill her." Daryl nodded.
"Alright." He whispered. If she did hurt his friends he had no problem killing the woman but her certainly hoped for her sake, she hadn't hurt them. He would bring hell upon anyone who hurt those close to him. "What if she didn' hurt them, what then?" Daryl asked feeling the need to cover all the possibilities.
"Then we give her supplies and tell her to leave." Daryl clenched his fist but didn't say anything. He couldn't really blame Rick for not wanting to let anyone new in not after what happened. But still at the same time half of the problem they'd suffered was because they tried to get new people out of their group. He could almost hear Dale's words saying that she could be an asset. Provided she could be trusted of course. But that was the problem wasn't it? They couldn't tell who could be trusted anymore. She could have been a school teacher with loving kids and a wonderful husband but that doesn't mean jack shit anymore. Who you once were doesn't mean you're still that same person.
Hershel came to the two of them not long after and they all walked back to where the samurai had been locked up. She was eyeing them warily while Rick started interrogating her. Hershel's voice shook when he asked if Maggie and Glenn had been attacked. Daryl knew how he felt but let no emotion cloud his face at the thought that his friends could be hurt. He had to focus, had to. When the woman jumped up snarling after Rick grabbed her wound Daryl put his bow right to her face. He gave his own threating promise to her.
The way she stared him down unflinchingly was a trait he thought only the Dixon family seemed to have. That stupid bravery to face death with little care to how it turned out. He returned his own powerful glare telling her with no uncertain terms he'd kill her if she even tried to go for Rick. But unlike the majority of the Dixon family she didn't rise to take the bait. Daryl knew more than half of his family would have attacked him had they been in her shoes. Only because Dixon's loved a challenge almost as much as they hated being told 'no.' It was Rick who broke their heated standoff gently whispering to Daryl and slowly pushing the bow down, doing his best to calm everyone while soothing the hunter's protective urges.
"There's a town. Woodbury." She sighed telling them about the town and the survivors inside. Far more survivors than they had but it didn't sound like they were all fighters. "The Governor." Daryl's eyes narrowed at that. What kind of guy goes by a title rather than a name? That would be like them all calling Rick 'leader' or 'officer.' It felt cold and detached like this Governor was doing his best to show his strength and keep everyone under him. Rick had Hershel start working on the woman's injury.
He led them back to the cell block. Rick's hands were clenched tight enough that his knuckles turned white. By the time everyone had rejoined them to discuss this new disturbing knowledge about Glenn and Maggie. The whole group was shocked and ready to spring into action. Daryl worried his lip. He was feeling completely restless, he wanted to get on his bike right now and get to this Woodbury. But he knew that if they ran in without a plan it could get Glenn and Maggie killed or worse all of them.
"We should wait until it's later. Closer to late night." He mumbled. "The majority of the town would be asleep."
"I agree." Rick nodded.
"Who's going?" Beth asked nervously. She was one of the first to offer to go earlier but he noticed her apprehension. He didn't doubt she'd run to save her sister but she was scared she would be of no help or worse slow them down. Rick sighed and rubbed his temples. He turned his head to the hunter who nodded not needing to ask if he'd go. It was automatic that he'd be there.
"Daryl and I will go with the woman. She seems to know where this Woodbury is. I doubt we'd be able to get there without her."
"It can't just be the two of you." Carol said from the stairs where she was rocking Ass Kicker. "If she's working with the people who took Glenn and Maggie she could overwhelm you." Daryl glanced at Rick. It wasn't a possibility he'd thought of but that didn't mean it was any less a problem if it were true.
"Then I'll go too. Three against one is better odds." Oscar said stepping forward.
"Alright. But I want everyone to stay alert in case." Rick responded giving everyone a hard look. "Well gather some supplies and leave an hour or two before nightfall that way we get there before it gets too dark."
"Night will be easier to get Glenn and Maggie out too. Less of the people will be on guard." Daryl said echoing what he'd told Rick before. Everyone nodded and while they still looked nervous they did look more relieved at there being some sort of a plan in place.
Daryl broke away first to gather a bag from his room where he could pool the supplies for their rescue.
"You going to be okay?" Daryl jerked up nearly dropping his bag. Carol gave him a small apologetic smile as she leaned against his door. She was still holding the baby but the little girl was clearly dead to the world. Daryl shook his head at that thought. He didn't like the way that sounded at all. She wasn't dead, he focused his hearing and could hear her softly breathing against Carol's arms. She wasn't dead. He made sure of it, they all had.
"I'll be fine. I'll get them back." Daryl replied no hesitation in his voice. He would get them back. He would burn that town to the ground if he had to.
"That's not what I'm talking about." Carol sighed. "I'm talking about you. It's been a rough couple of days hasn't it?" Daryl didn't respond. He couldn't.
"It's always rough."
"Stop trying to avoid the question." Carol bit out. "You can't just deflect everything." Daryl sighed and rested on his knees glancing at her through his bangs. "I'm asking if you are going to be okay." Daryl bit his lip stopping the almost automatic response of 'have to be.'
"I'm not sure." He found himself responding honestly. After everything that happened to their group and all the stuff that Rick had said. Everything that Rick had done. Hell basically everything to do with Rick. He wasn't sure if he could be okay anymore. Though Daryl immediately chastise himself for thinking about Rick and what he had decided to keep buried in his mind rather than risk bringing it up and making his leaders progress towards sanity suddenly back slide.
"Want to talk about it?" Daryl stared at his nails as if they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. He counted all the little cuts around his cuticles where he bit them when he was nervous. The dirt that seemed to be perpetually stuck under his nails making them look grimy.
"What about ya? Ya had a pretty hard time till I found ya right?" He asked deflecting again because it was easier for the hunter than to try and confront the messy tangle that was his emotions.
"I did." Carol agreed her eyes growing far away for a moment. "But I'm alive. I can keep going." She said steadily. Daryl nodded.
"Ya have to." He mumbled less for her and more for himself.
"Something happened to Rick didn't it?" She asked softly. Daryl wished he could respond snottily saying something like he'd lost his wife, of course he wasn't okay. But he just couldn't bring himself to do that, not to Carol. Even if he didn't doubt it would be easier to just push her away rather than try to deal with all these complicated problems.
"What makes ya say that?" He mumbled.
"Everyone's acting sort of wary and guarded around him. You especially. You keep twitching when he gets close to you." Daryl sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.
"Ya have too much time on yer hands if ya spend so much time watchin' me." She chuckled softly.
"Didn't you know? Daryl watching is all the rage right now. Especially after walker stalking got too smelly to do anymore."
"He had a meltdown." Daryl finally ground out. He wasn't sure how he felt about the choice of words but he really didn't like the way 'mental breakdown' tasted on his tongue. It tasted like sour milk and frog guts.
"What happened?" Daryl shrugged trying to figure out how to explain it.
"After Lori died…" Daryl shook his head. "Glenn said Rick didn't seem to recognize him."
"He seems better now though right?" She questioned with hesitation.
"A little." The hunter agreed.
"Did he do something to you?" She whispered watching him closely trying to figure out if he was going to lie to her or not.
"We talked. I tried to help…"
"But?"
"But it didn' work." He mumbled not wanting to explain completely. "He's not better. He's just barely holdin' on." He finally admitted.
"Are you sure he's up for this?" She motioned at the bag settled near his feet.
"I hope so. But we can' really attempt to do this without him."
"Hey Carol." Beth said poking her head into the hunter's cell. "We've been using this as a bed do you think it'll continue to work?" She asked holding up the small plastic mail box that Ass Kicker had been taking her naps in.
"Yeah as long as it's padded enough." Carol smiled looking at it.
"Lemme see it." Daryl mumbled holding his hand out. He turned the box so it was on the end where it stood it up and grabbed a marker from his bag. He wrote in big dark block letters Ass Kicker.
"That's her name?" Carol gasped almost in horror.
"Of course! Just 'cause she's little doesn' mean she doesn' already kick ass! Just wait till I start teachin' her to hunt!" Daryl grinned looking at the women over his shoulder. Beth kneeled down next to him and drew little hearts and stars on the edges.
"My turn." Carol smiled balancing the baby girl on her hip. "Let me guess its little Ass Kicker right?"
"Duh." Daryl agreed.
"Because you're the big ass kicker right?" She chuckled.
"I thought that was obvious!" Beth giggled sweetly. Carol drew above Daryl's hard block letters 'lil' in clean cursive.
"See now it looks like a proper bed." Daryl said pride blooming in his chest.
"It's quite the bed." Carol agreed.
"I'm totally jealous. Her bed is basically a giant drawing board!" Beth smiled. Daryl nodded putting the pen away and blowing on the slightly damp ink before he handed it back to Beth. She hesitated for a moment before taking it. "You're going to get my sister and Glenn back aren't you?" Her bright blue eyes simmered slightly.
"Of course. I won' stop till they're safe. I promise ya I'll get them back." He said not letting his gaze drop as he promised her.
"Don't worry Beth, Daryl will save them. I have no doubt about that." Carol smiled at him. Beth nodded relief flooding her young face.
"Be careful." She said. "You all have to come back."
"That should be obvious Daryl. You need to make sure everyone gets rounded up and back here before dinner time." Carol insisted.
"Ya made it sound like I'm some sort of sheep herder dog."
"No! Never! But if someone falls down a well you're the first one we'll call." Carol's eyes had that teasing look in them again.
"Aw Daryl would make such a cute puppy! He'd be totally shy and act like he didn't want anyone to pet him but he'd pout if no one rubbed his ears."
"Oh shut up! Ya two are impossible. Can' ya leave me with my manly dignity?" The women shared a laugh while Daryl felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment. But he loved the moment of levity and didn't want to ruin it with complaining.
"Daryl?" The hunter felt his muscles clench at the voice calling him. Rick stood in the hallway but not moving too close to his cell. Daryl sighed and stood up grabbing the bag as he went.
"I'll brin' them back." He promised again before trailing after his leader.
"I already explained what was going on to the woman." Rick said as they started putting flash bangs and tear gas in the bag. "She said she'll lead us right into Woodbury."
"Did ya find out her name?" Daryl mumbled. Rick froze.
"No." He looked perplexed. "If she does attack us does it really matter to us if we know her name?" Daryl paused going over Rick's words in his head.
"I think it does matter."
"Why?"
"Actin' like she isn' human doesn' change her but it changes us."
"We don't know if we can trust her." Rick sighed opening the door to the outside courtyard.
"No but treatin' her like prey wouldn' change that."
"What I'm not-" Rick replied startled.
"I was always taught ya never name the animals ya hunt or slaughter for food."
"Why?"
"It makes it easier not to care when ya kill somethin' especially if it was somethin' ya raised and cared for yerself."
"It makes it less real." Rick whispered.
"Exactly. It makes it easier to live with yerself if ya don' think of them as humans."
"You mean it makes it easier to kill them." Rick worried his lip. "We aren't like that."
"No we aren'." Daryl agreed. He could only hope they didn't ever become like that.
"Let's go to the tower." Rick sighed rubbing his temple clearly as bothered by the conversation as Daryl was. The hunter hesitated not sure he really could handle being alone with Rick right now. He tried to figure out the best way to get out of this whole breakdown that was surely inevitable. Rick's eyes stopped Daryl in his tracks. The hurt wounded look in is bright eyes made Daryl unable to deny him.
"Alright." He mumbled. He wished the excited pleased look Rick gave him didn't send his heart fluttering like it did. He trailed behind his leader wondering how badly this could be.
"I wanted to thank you again for keeping everyone going." Rick sighed when they reached the balcony overlooking the woods. Daryl nodded but couldn't find words to say anything. Rick clenched and unclenched his hands on the metal. "Daryl I need to ask you something." The hunter nodded again. "And I need you to tell me the truth." Daryl clenched his jaw feeling very much like he'd been caught upside down in one of his own traps he used when hunting. He could practically feel the ground slipping from under him. "Last night…" Rick licked his lips and Daryl seriously considered throwing himself off the balcony. He was 80% sure he could stick the landing and high tail it into the woods before Rick could even make it down the stairs. "I need to know what happened." He said gravely, his eyes focusing on Daryl. The hunter struggled to breathe let alone talk. How could he do this? How could he possible talk to Rick about what had happened? About how deep his words had cut him? "Who killed her?" Rick breathed his words catching on the way out of his lips, like it physically wounded him to say them. "I found her body but…. Who killed her?" Daryl suddenly realized what Rick was talking about, it felt like getting kicked in the balls. "Please Daryl. Please tell me who shot her." Rick whispered his shoulders shaking from the tension he put on his clenched hands. Daryl wished he could lie. Tell Rick he'd done it, save the man from the realization of what had really happened.
"Carl." He whispered. He couldn't lie to Rick. Just couldn't. Rick's eyes swelled with tears as he rocked back and forth on his heels. No words escaped his lips. Daryl realized it was because that was the only thing stopping him from breaking down into a sobbing mess. "I'm sorry. I should have-" Rick shook his head a half laugh half sob escaping him. It was mostly a sob that ended up cutting the hunter deep.
"You did everything you could. I know you did. I know you did." He breathed. Rick's hand slowly unclenching and taking Daryl's shoulder in a quick clasp. Rick squeezed quickly before letting go. For a moment Daryl thought he'd move away instead Rick pressed closer and put his hand gently on the back of Daryl's neck adding slight pressure that the hunter nearly melted into.
"I'm sorry." Daryl breathed on a whimper. Rick nodded and put his head against Daryl's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He couldn't stop himself from saying those words. Rick's free hand wrapped around the hunter's slim waist holding them together as Daryl repeated his failures and Rick trembled under the weight of reality.
After Daryl had apologized so much his voice felt dry and raw Rick finally shook his head, which was still pressed tight against Daryl's shoulder.
"Stop apologizing please." He exhaled the pain. "Just stop." Daryl wound his fingers through the ones resting on his stomach squeezing gently. Feeling their combined heat low in his belly. Daryl closed his eyes feeling Rick's heart beating steadily behind him. It was the most intimate he'd ever been with someone without having his pants down. Daryl couldn't help but wonder if this is what made all the pain and struggle in those movies worth it. Not the sex (though that was probably a part of it) but this closeness this sharing of pain and loss and knowing you didn't have to handle it alone. That sensation made Daryl's next words come out in a rush.
"If ya want, ya could stay here. I'll go ya should stay with yer kids." Rick's hand tightened on the hunter's stomach.
"I'm not letting you go alone."
"I wouldn' be alone."
"No." He bit out. "The idea of you… not coming back? I can't… I just can't." Rick breathed pressing his nose into the side of Daryl's throat.
"I'll always come back." Daryl mumbled softly.
"I mean to me. You have to come back to me." Daryl clutched Rick's hand again.
"So did I." He whispered cheeks flushed. He could feel Rick's heart skip against his back. Rick wrapped himself around Daryl more if possible putting his lips to the hunter's jumpy pulse.
"We need you. We always need you. I always need you."
"Pretty sure I need ya more than ya'll need me." Rick shook his head.
"No you could survive just fine without us."
"Not sure I'd want to anymore." He admitted softly. Rick's hand tightened gently.
"We survive together right?" Daryl nodded.
"Together." They stayed pressed tightly around each other, holding the other tightly like the world would shatter if they dared to move. The moment felt thin like ice barely strong enough to hold them up but it was the only ground they could stand on. Rick rested his chin on Daryl's shoulder and stared at the sinking sun.
Daryl felt the sudden urge to start talking, to share something with Rick. The man who had more than once laid his heart bare to him. He wasn't admitting what happened with Rick's break down yesterday but Daryl figured it was the closest he could come at the moment. He cleared his throat and tried to collect himself. "Is it my turn?" Daryl asked softly.
"Turn for what?"
"To tell a story? Open up?" Rick chuckled and pressed his chin against Daryl's shoulder.
"Yeah that would be nice. It's not often you offer to reveal some of the Dixon mystery." Daryl licked his lips trying to figure out how to start this conversation.
"Do ya remember a really bad winter we had maybe thirty or so years ago? Ya would have been a kid." Rick thought about it for a moment.
"Yeah I think so. I'm pretty sure my school was closed for like three days." Daryl nodded remembering that as well. But to be fair at the time he hadn't really been that interested in class and found himself missing school more than he actually went.
"I was seven that winter." He mumbled. "My… mom… she died that summer. It was the first winter without her." Daryl struggled to get the words out. It had been so many years yet the pain continued to feel so fresh and raw. But he pushed through the blind urge to just shut down.
"I'm sorry." Rick breathed his hands tightening on Daryl's stomach. Daryl paused soaking in the comfort of Rick but he must have thought Daryl was struggling to talk. "If you don't want to continue you don't have to." Rick whispered.
"It's okay." Daryl murmured. "Just give me some time."
"Take as long as you need." Rick nodded.
"I spent as much time away from my house as I possibly could that summer and fall. It just… hurt bein' in my house knowin' my mom wasn' there anymore. But as the winter hit, it got harder and harder to stay out. The woods kept gettin' too cold." Daryl remembered how he'd stayed out till his fingers and lips turned blue. Until he nearly got hypothermia before finally going inside the cold house. His father stopped caring about things like heating after his mother died. So the house was always cold but it was still a touch warmer than outside. Daryl recalled entering the house and going to the kitchen. His stomach had been empty for a while. A dull pang of pain that was nothing compared to the ache inside his heart. The continual stab of realization that his mother would never be around again. "I was hungry and opened the fridge." Daryl mumbled feeling like he was walking Rick through his memories. The hunter paused trying to figure out what to say to Rick. He noticed his hesitation and hugged tighter. "It was bad that winter." He confessed.
He didn't want to tell Rick how the reason he hadn't eaten that day or why he stayed outside as much as he could even during the storms was because his father had taken to drinking from a liter bottle of whisky, he drank until he killed all the pain inside of him. But that night when he'd heard Daryl in the house he'd stumbled up from the chair and held that bottle firm before smashing it over his seven year old son's head. Daryl could still remember the hard scent of whisky mixed with the iron of his blood. How he still had the scar on his back where his father had taken a shard of glass and stabbed it into his shoulder blade. How he'd stumbled from the house bleeding with darkness hemorrhaged into his limbs. "Have ya ever been unconscious and woken up in a totally different place?" Daryl asked vaguely.
"I've fallen asleep and ended up in my bed when I was little." Rick smiled trying his best to relate. Daryl had never had that happen. Or not that he could remember. The only one who would have done that for him had died in a fiery tomb.
"I woke up outside in the snow." He remembered the numb feeling on the cheek that was pressed against the fresh powder. It was such a pure fragile white that slowly darkened with crimson. The mixing of colors felt like he was watching the purity of the world being stained by his dirty blood. Daryl could feel the cold seeping into his limbs. The memory running too deep, he struggled to remember he wasn't seven anymore. That he wasn't slowly losing the sensations in his fingers. That his heart wasn't stuttering to a stop only to struggle to resume beating lethargically moments later. Daryl licked his lips confirming that they weren't icy blue.
"Did you go back home?" Rick asked softly trying to work the story out of Daryl.
"No I couldn'." He didn't mention the rage his father flew into made it impossible to return. "I'd hurt my head and back. Couldn' move." Not completely the truth but it was close enough he figured. "So I stayed on the ground slowly bleedin' out." Daryl remembered the feeling of snow falling over his body. Little pin pricks of cold, freezing his already shivering body. "I should have made a fire or somethin'." Daryl murmured. "But I didn', couldn'." He sighed. Rick's arms tightened again.
"Couldn't or didn't want to?" He breathed.
"Couldn' no… maybe didn' see the point?" Daryl struggled, at the time he had blamed his injuries but he'd worked through worse before. Resting on that snow with his life steadily pumping out of him, he hadn't even tried to get up. To find warmth and shelter, instead he felt like dying in the snow was good enough for him. Daryl knew looking back now he could have gotten up and taken a beating from his father then bandaged his wounds. But at the time it felt like the cold was numbing the pain. The sadness that had chained his heart all summer, seemed a little farther away than normal.
"What did you do?"
"Nothin'. I didn' care enough to do anythin'." Rick gave a soft whimper in the back of his throat.
"Did your father find you?" Rick tested the words out in his mouth like he didn't quite believe them. Daryl shook his head. His father probably wouldn't have noticed he was missing until spring when he tripped over his dead body. With his mother dead there was no one else to come save him or care that he was missing. "You're here now." Another squeeze. "So how did you make it? Did you start a forest fire or something?" Rick tried putting humor in his voice but it came off strained and weak.
"Merle." Daryl whispered.
"Merle?"
"He saved me." Daryl remembered his eyes dripping shut. His body feeling so far away and he couldn't bring himself to care that this would probably be the last time he breathed or moved. Daryl had thought about his mother. How he wanted so badly to feel her hand on his head again. To hear her calling his name softly. "At first I didn' realize it was him. I thought it was my mom." He exhaled. He recalled the warm hand touching his forehead rubbing his hair. The hand that had seemed too warm and too large to be his mother's. It was only when Merle started slapping his cheeks that he realized who was shaking him by the shoulders and screaming his name. "When I opened my eyes there he was screamin' and hollerin' my name. Yellin' that I couldn' go to sleep." Daryl thought about how his brother, older than him by so many years yet still just a child in his own right had such dark lines around his eyes. His face that had seemed so old and angry since summer was creased with panic and fear. His eyes tight with terror.
"Daryl! Daryl!" He had screamed shaking his little brother, rubbing his large hands down his chest. Trying his best to evoke some kind of response from the half frozen Daryl. "Come on Daryl! Ya have to stay with me. Come on open yer eyes! Goddamn it ya do it right now!" Merle had screamed in his face. He pulled Daryl's smaller body to his already bulky chest. Merle had rocked them as he kept whispering that he had to stay with him. That Daryl couldn't die. That Daryl couldn't do that to him. Daryl hadn't been sure at the time but he thought he'd felt tears freezing on his brother's face as he cradled him.
"What did he do?" Rick's breathe in his ear reminded him that he had stopped talking.
"He picked me up." Not hard to do since Daryl had been too small for his age. The lack of food made his limbs lighter than they should have be. "Ran to the neighbors and broke in." He couldn't help but chuckle at the memory of the way Merle had just rammed his shoulder into the door. It gave instantly. Daryl knew his brother didn't take him home because he could see the blood freezing on his temple. That Merle knew if he took Daryl home there was a good chance he'd die in that house. Merle had held him close rubbing his hands over Daryl's back as he built a fire and started a bath.
"Come on Daryl its warm here." His brother's voice had taken on a pleading quality. Daryl remembered hearing his brother's heart beating so quickly against his cheek. How Merle had thrown blanket after blanket around him as he pressed them close to the fire. Daryl recalled how he'd stirred slowly, his body finally starting to shiver again. "There ya go." Merle sighed still running his big hands over his arms. "There ya are."
"He ended up tossing me into the tub." Daryl chuckled recalling how Merle had thrown him into the steaming bath. "Probably not the best move." He added recollecting how he'd hollered at the pain flaring through his limbs. The numbness burning under his skin from the heat. Merle had left to make some sort of nasty tea with chocolate that he forced Daryl to drink while his limbs twitched on pins and needles. "Merle kept adding hot water to the bath he basically flooded the whole room." Daryl laughed. He could almost feel the tea in his throat, how good it had felt warming his whole chest. How Merle kept touching his head and cheeks. Rubbing comfortable circles on his back.
The worry still heavy in his brother's eyes but he wasn't shaking anymore like he had been when he carried Daryl into the house. Daryl remembered embarrassingly whimpering at his brother who had gently pulled him from the tub and helped him work his cold, frozen, and blood stained clothes off his body before wrapping him in a dozen more blankets and pressing him tight against his chest in front of the fire. Merle's arms holding him tightly, the heat at his back from his brother more comforting than the fire burning brightly before him.
"He saved your life." Rick whispered and Daryl nodded.
"He did. While no one else gave a damn about me, Merle did. He could have walked right by me. Could have just left me there to freeze but he didn'."
"You're family. Of course he helped you." Daryl smiled faintly at Rick's words. It was proof that he'd lived in a loving family one that would do anything to help each other out. But Daryl's family, they wouldn't have cared. They would have seen it as weakness on his part for freezing to death. Only Merle had bothered to help him. His brother could be mean certainly and a down right douchebag but Daryl never had any doubt, especially after that night that Merle cared about him. That his brother would die or kill to protect him. Merle would loathe to admit it but Daryl knew that Merle loved him.
That much like Merle was to Daryl, Daryl was Merle's rock. The constant in his life. The one thing worth protecting. Just like Merle was Daryl's strength. He helped make everything feel just a little more livable. The beatings and scars he received from his father were manageable because Merle had displayed them too. The torments from kids at school was survivable because Merle had lived through it. Merle had saved his life when he was seven and continued to save his life every day after. Even when Merle wasn't around it was the thoughts of his brother that sustained him. Even after he'd lost Merle in Atlanta he continued to be Daryl's rock. Talking to him when he needed it. Being the push forward when his body locked unable to move. Merle was the safe (though often harsh and cruel) place his mind could always return to.
"Merle saved my life." Daryl breathed his mind on the roof in Atlanta, the blood around his brother's severed hand. "…I never got a chance to pay him back." Daryl thought back to when he heard his brother had been left on a roof alone handcuffed in a city full of walkers. How the first thing he wanted to do was ride into town guns blazing, kick the door down, and save his brother. How he'd agreed to Rick's plan. How he'd arrived too late to save Merle. How when Daryl needed Merle most he had been there but when Merle needed him most he wasn't anywhere to be found.
"It wasn't your fault." Rick breathed against his neck. "I'm to blame for that." Rick pressed his forehead against the hunter's shoulder. "Shit Daryl… if I'd only known. If I had known…" Daryl leaned back against Rick.
"It wasn' yer fault. I know ya wouldn' have left him if ya didn' see any other choice." He said softly but firmly. At first Daryl had done nothing but blame Rick for what had happened. Rick and T and everyone else. But as he watched them, started to observe them, talk to them he knew that wasn't fair. What happened to Merle hadn't been their fault. They were all scared and trying to live through impossible odds. His brother much as Daryl cared for him, he always had a knack of making the bad situation unbearable. "If anyone should be blamed it's me." Daryl sighed. "I was supposed to go with him on that run. Or at least I should have gone instead of him but he said he was tired of huntin' for a bunch of people who didn' give a damn and had zero gratitude towards us." Daryl chuckled humorlessly. "Told me to stay behind and hunt for a bunch of assholes while he did some actual work." Daryl closed his eyes trying so hard to recall Merle's eyes the last time he'd seen him. They'd been arguing in the woods the last two days. It had scared away most of the game and left them both irritable and desperately needing space away from each other. So he'd let his brother go not even looking at him as he returned to the difficult task of getting food for a whole camp of people who hated his guts.
"You went back for him." Rick said fiercely. "You did everything you could." Rick insisted. Daryl nodded but the nagging feeling that if he'd been just a little faster, if he hadn't fought with Rick then maybe he might have saved Merle. Had he not been too busy trying to keep a wall between himself and everyone he might have made it to Merle in time.
Though if he had Daryl wondered what his life would be like now? Would he find still find himself in Rick's arms talking about that winter when he was seven? Or would he be alone with Merle living his life with no friends, no shelter, and no idea what it felt like to care about someone other than himself and the Dixon clan? "I'm glad you're here with us. That despite everything we found each other. That you stayed with us despite all the problems we've faced again and again." Rick admitted softly pressing a kiss to his throat.
"When I first saw ya I knew ya would be nothin' but trouble." Daryl murmured on a laugh.
"Was that why you kept glaring at me?" Daryl shrugged.
"Partially." Though a small part of him had found himself unable to look away from Rick and his beautiful sky blue eyes. A part of Daryl had felt his heart skip a beat at the look of the man. Not that he really understood what that meant about him. He hadn't consciously realized he was attracted to Rick until much later.
"Hmm. I kept wondering who this spitfire of a man was. You reminded me of a feral panther caged in a zoo." Rick grinned against his neck. "Something about you demanded all my attention. You didn't talk much back then but it still felt like I couldn't take my eyes off of you."
"Yer just sayin' that cause I tried to attack everyone." Daryl snorted.
"That was only part of it. Though you did spend an awful lot of time trying to stab or shoot people." Rick chuckled as he exhaled slowly. Daryl felt Rick's heart beating against his back and he savored the moment. His eyes flickered to the sky. The reality of time pressed in on him as he thought about Glenn and Maggie. How as much as he'd like to pretend things were fine he couldn't. His friends needed to be saved.
"We need to get goin'." Daryl said so Rick wouldn't have to. Rick dipped his head in agreement but didn't move.
"After… after we rescue Glenn and Maggie can we come back here?" Rick asked almost shy. "Just us?" Daryl squeezed his hand in response. "This… right here makes everything seem better. Like it's all worth it." Daryl couldn't find the right words to match Rick's. But he couldn't agree more. His heart ached with how true the words were. Rick was the first person he'd ever told about that winter when he was seven. But it felt right. Like Rick understood him better than anyone alive and that felt right. Rick tilted Daryl's chin with his large and gently chastely pressed his lips to Daryl's. It was brief but it was enough. It was a salve against the pain of Rick's grief stricken words from yesterday. It was a promise for the future and a hope for something more, deeper, and longer. It was perfect and it was everything Daryl needed in this moment.
Hey everyone! I am so so sorry this took so long to get out. I struggled with it for a really long time. Massive writer's block and I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. It made writing really hard. Until just a few days ago when everything finally clicked and I was able to write this all out! Yay! So again so sorry! Hopefully it is worth the wait! Like always thank you to everyone who reviews, favorites, and follows this story! Especially to you guys who review! (It reminds me to get back to work and finish the damn chapter! ;P) So like always if you have time please review and let me know what you thought about this chapter!
I hope you've all been enjoying the last half of season 5! I know I have! Anyway hopefully I'll see you all in chapter 29! Until next time!
