A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews you lot.
This chapter will be told in two parts. This is Sawyer's POV, the following chapter will be Kate's. These chapters contain strong language.
Hope you enjoy :o)
He felt a lot of things. Fear, most prominently of course, along with a sickness he had only known once before, when he'd stood on the beach and waited for her to come and say goodbye to him. And she never did. That crushing, deadening feeling in the pit of your stomach that just makes you want to retch.
He paced along the blinding, white corridors with a steely darkness in his eyes, a terrible fire somewhere in his heart, a longing that he didn't even know he had inside him.
Please. Oh God no.
He kept his eyes on the man in front of him, leading him through this maze, trying to avoid any eyes that might be on him. He felt like the whole world was watching him, each step agony, this walk of shame. It wasn't real. How could it be real?
The man ahead of him suddenly came to a halt.
"Right through here Mr. Ford" He said. Sawyer hated him the moment he opened his mouth. Smarmy. Irritatingly handsome. Sickeningly smart.
Sawyer simply glared at him and followed him through the door.
He was met by the body. Not in it's entirety…just the shape. The black bag. The sight was enough to make him want to run.
He was unaware that he was trembling.
The man reached over to the top of the bag and took hold of the zipper. Before opening it, he closed his eyes, then glanced back up at Sawyer.
"Are you-"
"Just open the damn bag." Sawyer hissed, clenching both his hands into fists, staring intently at the bag before him.
The body.
The man nodded gravely, and began to pull the zipper. And for a moment, for a split second, Sawyer was convinced that they'd made a mistake. That it was all wrong, that this was some kind of strange dream, some nightmare. Everything was all twisted and wrong…it'd be O.K. It had to be O.K.
Then he saw her.
There was a long moment of silence between the two men stood in the room.
"Is it her, Mr. Ford?"the man asked him, slowly, quietly.
Sawyer didn't hear him. It seemed he'd forgotten how to speak. Staring into her eyes…those cold, dead eyes. Just like he remembered them being, when he watched her walk out the door, when he ran, just ran for his life. Back then, lifetimes ago, he'd been slipping away and he'd done whatever it took to climb back into his skin. One day…he'd see her again, he knew. One day, he'd tell her. He was sorry.
Was he sorry?
"Mr. Ford?"
Too late now.
"Is this Cassidy Phillips, Mr Ford?"
Eyes still locked on hers, he found the will to speak. His voice shaking.
"Yeah. It's her."
"You ain't gonna eat all that, kiddo."
"I will! " Clementine gasped, outraged "Course I will!"
Sawyer laughed shortly at her, stealing a spoonful of the enormous banana split she'd just ordered. He glanced at the door of the bathroom.
She was still in there.
He swallowed
"If you eat all o' that…" Sawyer drawled, tearing his eyes away from the door of the ladies to grin at his daughter. "I'll give you 10 whole dollars."
Clementine gaped at him, then glanced back down at her meal, judging it.
"Ten whole dollars?" she said, skeptical.
"Yup. You got it. You finish that…" He pulled out a crisp ten dollar bill from his wallet and placed it on the table. "It's yours."
Clementine, never one to turn down a bet, least of all from her father, grinned challengingly at him.
Oh Christ. He made a vow then and there to keep her the hell away from Vegas. She was what, six? And already understood the concept of gambling?
"Deal." She said, grabbing hold of the spoon and shoving in as much as she could chew.
Sawyer could only run his hand through his hair and smile at her hopelessly.
And then, suddenly, like a dream, Kate finally walked out of the bathroom.
It was like he was seeing her for the first time all over again. Even then she'd…done something to him. Changed him, maybe. Looking back now, he was surprised at how God damn easy it was with her. The only one in his life who'd ever made it easy. Shit, looking at her now as she approached the counter, he remembered that mind numbing feeling, that…love he had for her.
The only one.
And here she was.
Sawyer looked back at Clem, who was already struggling with her ice-cream, and felt a stab of pain in his chest. Because how could he possibly love anyone, anyone, as much as he fucking loved this kid?
The only one that had ever come remotely close was sat three feet away, waiting for him to come and join her.
"You O.K there Clem?" he asked, as she shoved down another spoonful of chocolate goop.
She nodded, unable to speak, a ring of cream around her lips.
He ruffled her hair, then walked over to where Kate was sat.
He sat down slowly beside her, still not quite convinced she was actually here. It was as though two worlds, two impossible, life shattering worlds, had suddenly collided with a terrible crash. He'd almost dropped down dead when he saw her at that bus stop. That God damn bus stop.
He was aware suddenly that neither of them had spoken. He glanced at her from under his hair.
Christ she was beautiful.
"So it was her first day of school, huh?"
The first words she decided to use shocked him slightly. He kept his eye on the counter, swallowing.
"Yeah." He replied, his voice a little scratchy. He cleared his throat. "Yeah. She uh…it scared the hell outta me sendin' her off there. Thought I'd have to go in and…pull her down from a tree or somthin'."
Kate laughed a little and in that moment they both looked into each others eyes.
They were strangers again.
Both their smiles vanished.
And now, after not being able to look at each other at all, they couldn't look away.
Kate's mouth began to move, but she struggled to get words out. Her eyes were shining, and something completely shattered inside of Sawyer.
"How…" Kate was saying, blinking rapidly. "When? I didn't…you never said."
Sawyer glanced back over at his daughter, his head hurting.
"I never knew." He sighed. "Back then. I…she was just a…a part of acon. She wasn't real…"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kate suddenly hissed, her eyes red "You didn't know? What do you mean?"
His head fell into his hands, elbows on the counter, and he let out a long, tired breath.
"Her Mom..." He began, not able to believe this was happening. That he was telling Kate- Kate- about his long forgotten past. That shadow in his life that, until five years ago, he chose to ignore. Someone else's story.
"Her Mom sent me to jail. We were shacked up for a few months…few months was all it took. Got 40 grand outta her."
"Nice."Kate spat, eyes narrowed. Sawyer simply glared at her.
"So she called the cops. Spent four months in jail. Got into a few fights, read a couple o' books…passin time.
"Then she shows up. Cass. And she tells me I got a kid."
Kate was silent for a moment.
"And then?"
"I told her to get the hell outta there. Told her she…Clem…she weren't mine. She'd got it wrong. She wasn't real."
"Yeah, that figures." Kate said venomously "You were probably too busy reading your damn letter back then to bother about your own kid."
Sawyer only smirked cruelly at her, unable to recognise the aching pain in his chest at her words.
"Yeah. I was." He said "And I wanted her to get the hell away from me. Sent some cash her way. Got outta jail. Forgot about her. About them. I ran away." He glared at her. "You know how it is."
Kate swallowed and tore away from his penetrating gaze. Sawyer snarled, knowing his quip had hit her in the right place and unable to stop the guilt from squirming through his veins.
"And then, somehow, I wound up stranded on an island with a bunch o' wackos, a monster, and the most God damn beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on."
Kate looked back at him, eyes narrowed.
"Speakin' o' which, you heard from Claire lately?"
Kate smirked at him, and he grinned back, thankful that he was able to make her smile. Loving the fact that he was, somehow, through all this misery, able to evoke some form of happiness out of her.
He looked back over at Clementine. She was looking at her ice cream miserably, the bowel still half full. He saw her look at the money then reach again for her spoon.
"She'd like a mini you." Kate said, smiling at the girl. Sawyer smirked.
"Oh she's a whole lot better than that." He said "Don't have no idea how she turned out so God damn smart."
His expression softened.
"What happened James?" Kate said suddenly. He flinched, still, at the use of his name.
He sighed again.
"Got back home. Cass was…she was dead. Kid had nowhere to go."
"So you were forced to take her in?" Kate said softly, confusion furrowing her brow.
"Yeah."
"But…but you love her."
Sawyer looked back at her.
"I saw it." Kate continued "As soon as she stepped off that bus. You don't love her because you have to. You just do."
Sawyer swallowed, running a hand along his jaw.
"It's been five years. Five years o' me and her. She…"
He paused.
It had surprised him immensely how easily the truth had seemed to flow from him so far. Why the hell should he stop now?
"She's all I got."
He waited patiently for Kate's response.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she sighed, almost unheard. He was shocked to see a tear begin to fall from her eye.
And he didn't know what to say.
Suddenly, Clementine stood up and walked towards them, the bowl in her hands, a grin on her face.
The bowl was empty.
"See!" she said, reaching up over her head to place the bowel on the counter beside her father "I told ya!"
"Well I'll be damned." Sawyer laughed, scooping her up and placing her on his knee. "Well then kid, you sure as hell earned that there ten dollars. Shows me not to mess with you, huh?"
Clementine giggled, blissfully unaware of the chocolate that covered most of her face. She looked at Kate.
"He thought I weren't be able ta eat that whole split, but I did, I showed him!"
Kate laughed, discreetly wiping her eyes. Twisting Sawyer's heart.
"You sure did." She said. Sawyer swallowed down a lump that had suddenly formed in his throat.
Clementine smiled at Kate.
"You got real pretty hair, Miss." She said, trying to stop herself from yawning. Kate blushed.
"Thank you." She said, looking at Sawyer awkwardly.
Clementine yawned again.
"Home." Sawyer said with finality, lifting his daughter up. "You've had a long day, ain't cha."
She nodded, resting her head on his shoulders.
Sawyer glanced at Kate, unsure what to say. Come with me? Don't leave, for the love of God, don't slip through my fingers again.
"Sorry 'bout this." He decided on, then felt like an idiot.
"It's O.K." She said. She sighed, smiled, and stood up "I always wondered what you'd be like in a real house. You seemed so at home under that tarp I wasn't sure if you could ever cope with walls."
He had no idea why she was being so nice to him.
He just thanked whatever God there was that he'd somehow found her again.
