It was nearly midnight, but Merlin was still hard at work polishing Arthur's armor. At times when he was the only one around, Merlin liked to sing softly. It usually helped him relax, but the song on his mind tonight only served to depress him.
"Look at me,
I may never pass for a perfect friend, or a perfect servant.
Can it be,
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself,
I would break my Arthur's heart."
Merlin stopped for a moment, staring at the half polished helmet in his hands and sighed.
"Who is that boy I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide?
Who I am, though I've tried.
When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?
How I pray, that a time will come,
I can free myself, from their expectations
On that day, I'll discover some way to be myself,
and to make my Arthur proud.
He wants a docile lad,
No-one knows who I am.
Must there be a secret me,
I'm forced to hide?
Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show, who I am inside?
When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"
That last line set him off. He couldn't help it as tears began running down his face. Without realizing it, Merlin's magic slipped out and finished all of the armor as Merlin fell asleep in the servant room just off of Arthur's chamber.
It was like this that Arthur found him after two hours of searching. It was moments like this that Arthur believed he could see the real Merlin, not the clumsy mask he always wears. A small smile crept onto the royal's face.
Arthur knew that Merlin was pushing himself too hard, but didn't know what to do about it. That is why he had nearly panicked when Merlin hadn't woke him and Gaius stated that he hadn't returned last night. Him and the knights had searched high and low until Arthur remembered mentioning that his armor was hardly ready for the knighting ceremony the next evening. Merlin often used the small side room to polish during cold month like this.
He ran all the way from the stable, but was glad to see the boy was safe. Knowing that Merlin must be freezing, Arthur grabbed a blanket from the cabinet and gently spread it over the boy's sleeping form. As he was doing this, Arthur noticed the dried tear tracks on Merlin's face. This had been the fourth time Arthur had noticed things like this since Lancelot's death.
Arthur knew that Lancelot was the only person Merlin ever truly opened up to and they were as close as brothers. But now that Lancelot was gone, Merlin had hidden a part of himself, clearly blaming himself for the knight's death. Arthur saw this, but deep in his heart he knew that one day, he too would know the real Merlin, and he was counting that days until Merlin could look in the mirror and not see a mask.
