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Ed: Don't even try. I'm done, okay, I'm through with you.
Me: What, so you're breaking up with me?
Ed: Ye- wait, no! What? WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER!
Me: Alright, alright, keep your hair on! Just make the disclaimer please!
Ed: Why should I do anything for you?
Me: Well, if you're going to be difficult...
I own nothing, but-
Ed: Finish the sentence, and I will cut you.
"But Muuuuuuum," whinged Peter, "I look like a knob in this uniform.
"Peter," said Edmund, clapping his brother on the shoulder, "you always look like a knob."
Their mother hugged and kissed all of them, and dropped them at the station door. Edmund and his dear siblings were waiting to catch the train to their boarding schools in Surrey, and, true to her usual fashion, their mother had dropped her children off an hour early. Within five minutes, Susan announced that she was bored, and flounced off to browse the magazine rack opposite the station.
"You know, guys, I've been thinking," began Peter.
"Don't do that, you don't want to get hurt before the term even starts," quipped Edmund drily.
"And I don't know why Aslan won't let us back into Narnia!" moaned Lucy.
Edmund sighed. "It's not a question of letting us, Peter- you can't blame Aslan for the fact that you tried to run through the barrier between platforms 9 and 10 at King's Cross station to reach Narnia and ended up breaking your nose."
Peter scowled, and turned around, walking backwards to continue to talk to Edmund. "It would have worked," protested Peter petulantly, "if Aslan had let it. And anyw-"
Peter stopped with a muffled groan as he bumped into a group of boys walking down the stairs. They shot him an odd look and continued on their way. "OI WATCH IT!" shouted Peter at their backs.
They turned around. "What the hell, dipstick, you were the one walking backwards! Would it kill you to say sorry and move on?"
Incensed, and before either of his siblings could stop him, Peter leapt on the boys with a half-crazed battle cry. Unfortunately for Peter, all the boys were a year older than him, and on the school's champion wrestling squad.
A crowd of eager schoolchildren soon gathered on the staircase, and began chanting "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" at the top of their voices. Edmund groaned as he watched Peter have the crap kicked out of him, vaguely aware of Lucy running off somewhere, and returning with Susan a minute later. By this point Peter was more or less pulp, so with a reluctant sigh, Edmund jumped more gracefully on his brother's attackers. Unlike his brother, Edmund had actually retained his battlefield prowess from Narnia, and in a matter of seconds, hauled Peter's attackers off him. The fight was over, and this was the point where the railway officers chose to intervene. "Act your age!" they bellowed at Peter.
"Your welcome," muttered Edmund, readjusting his tie.
"I had it sorted," snapped Peter.
"If by "it" you are referring to having yourself murdered, then yes, you did," sighed Edmund, slumping down on the railway bench next to his siblings.
"Really, Peter, that was very childish," chided Susan as she pulled a juicebox from her pink floral lunchbox.
"I just don't know why people keep treating me like a kid," whinged the blond boy, stamping his foot on the ground.
"We are kids," noted Edmund drily.
"SHUT UP ED!" snapped his siblings.
"Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," continued Peter, rubbing his palm on his nose, "I am the eldest and therefore the cleverest and most mature."
Edmund had to disguise his hoarse laughter as a choking fit.
Peter continued regardless. "I was High King in Narnia and did a fabulous job maintaining justice and equality in the kingdom-"
"Actually," said Edmund, eyebrows raised, "I was the head judge, I managed Narnia's judicial system, all the justice and equality was my responsibility."
"Well, I headed up all the military conquests!" snapped Peter.
"That was Orieus, Pete," Edmund reminded him.
"I was a fantastic diplomat!"
"Mr. Tumnus and the beavers were our ambassadors, Peter, and they answered to Susan," Edmund sighed.
"I planned the annual ball and it was always fantabulicious!" Peter had gone very red in the face.
"Okay, Pete, firstly, never again say 'fantabulicious', and secondly, Lucy planned the ball."
"WELL I WAS IN CHARGE OF FLOWERE ARRANGEMENTS!" howled the eldest Pevensie sibling.
"Yes," said Edmund soothingly enough to cloak his subtle doses of sarcasm, "those were magnificent. Not something that someone who was just a figurehead monarch would be able to pull off."
"Oh please Ed," drawled Susan, "leave him be."
Edmund shrugged.
"My point is, I was integral to the Narnian community. Aslan needs me! Why has he left me in this godforsaken land that knows no joy?"
Edmund scratched behind his ear. "Finchley really isn't that bad, Pete. There's no war on anymore, unlike Narnia, where we had to ride into battle every other month."
"And you don't have to wear a dress," Lucy quipped.
"It was a ROBE!" fumed Peter.
"Pete, you bought your wardrobe from a dryad," noted Edmund.
"Oh, get used to it Peter, we live here now," sighed Susan, "and it's where you lived for like 15 years before Narnia!"
"I lived in Narnia for like 15 years," countered Peter petulantly.
"Peter, you lived in Narnia for twenty-five minutes," Edmund reminded him, "remember the time difference?"
"Quick, pretend you're talking to me!" hissed Susan.
"We are talking to you," groaned Edmund, wondering why his siblings were so blatantly stupid.
Susan shot him an ugly look. Not that that's hard for her thought Edmund. "See that hideous creepy stalkerish wannabe hipster over there," hissed Susan, pointing at a boy in the crowd. Edmund looked.
"He's really not that bad, Susan," mused Edmund, "I mean, the glasses are... meh, but honestly, you can't afford to be picky."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" she cried indignantly.
"All I'm saying is that you're the one that's always been obsessed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, and yet you're the one who's still single. And anyway," Edmund grinned, enjoying Susan's face which was slowly turning puce, "he's out of your league."
"WHAT?!" Susan jumped to her feet. "I could snag him any day! I think you'll find that I am way out of his league!"
"No," Edmund said with exaggerated nonchalance, "I know him. He's intelligent, which is something that will never be said about you-"
"Oi!"
"He's got a close, tight-knit group of friends, unlike you, all the Narnians only hung out with you for the free parties,"
"It was because I was a caring and thoughtful Queen!"
"And he's not bad looking. You're a bit... hmmm..." Edmund, well aware of his sister's inclination towards vanity, leaned back in his seat, grinning to himself, watching as his words took effect, and- "Ah!" He grabbed his side.
"What's the matter, Ed?" snapped Peter irritably.
"I felt a pinch in my side."
"Oh, is that the pinch of what's left of your soul trying to escape?" cried Susan, impassioned.
"That literally makes no sense, Susan, and no, that's not what it-"
"OWOWOWOWOWOW!" Peter leapt to his feet, clutching his side, "Edmund!" He rounded on his brother, "that hurt!"
"Peter, put the fists down before you actually hurt yourself, and it was not that painful," sighed Edmund, suffering more from his brother's stupidity than the ache in his side.
"ARGH!" Susan and Lucy screamed in banshee-esque unison. "Edmund!" snapped Susan.
"That was horrid!" cried Lucy.
"How the hell would I even reach you guys?" sighed Edmund.
"You just would!" retorted Lucy.
Edmund slammed his head against the wall. All of a sudden, he felt a strange pulling sensation at his midsection.
"Of course I'm getting period pains now," sniffed Susan. Edmund slapped his palm to his face.
"This feels like magic!" cried Lucy, as huge gusts of wind started blowing, whipping their hair and clothes.
"What is it say," said Edmund to your two elder siblings, "that Lucy has more common sense than both of you?"
"EVERYBODY GRAB HANDS!" screamed Peter, grappling desperately at his siblings.
"Peter," said Edmund desperately, "I'm not holding your hand!"
"MOTHER!" cried Peter, grabbing Edmund's hand regardless.
The gusts of air grew stronger and stringer- Edmund 'feared' that they might grow strong enough to tear Peter's hair clean off- until the station around them appeared to melt away, leaving them standing on a gorgeous beach.
Edmund's siblings immediately began charging towards the ocean, tearing their clothes off and frolicking in the sand. Ed just closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. It was going to be a long day...
