Well, it's sad but true. This is the last installment of iVoldy. Not to worry, I have plenty of other plots up my sleeve, but this particular one is coming to a close.
DC: All I can say is Apple had better pay-up soon…
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing." Very nice. It fit so well with the overall theme of this fic that I decided to use it for the last chapter.
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Eventually, the lights came back on. Every occupant was on the floor.
Harry sat up, holding his head. "That was… weird." He said.
There was a murmured agreement as everyone slowly got to their feet.
"Shall we continue with the original story now?" the producer asked, holding a bundle of new scripts and passing them out.
"Don't tell me we've got to do the entire story again..." Snape moaned, "The magic marker gave me hives last time…"
"Just pick it up again from when the trio bursts into Malfoy Manor," the producer said. "Line… 'WTF?!'"
"You mean 'What the #$#$?!' right?"
"Right…" the producer coughed nervously. "Yes, the censored version… of course…" He left the set muttering.
Ron mouthed "crazy" and imitated a cuckoo clock.
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"What the #$#$?!"
It was Bellatrix. She was looking out the window, where a black van could be seen pulling up.
"What is that?" Lucius asked, stopping his duel, "What does 'irs' mean?"
"You idiot!" Hermione said, "That's IRS! Internal Revenue Service!"
The stares were so blank you could've painted a picture on them.
"Taxes!"
… Then you could've painted another picture, on top of the first one.
Hermione groaned and put a hand to her forehead. "Less money!" she exclaimed.
There was quite a lot of stupidity in the room, so it stuck around for a few moments before the realization struck.
"Let's get the hell outta here!" Voldemort shouted, making a break for the door. The Death Eaters raced after him. Ron and Hermione stood shocked, as the Dark Lord escaped through the back door.
"We'll never find him now!" Ron said tearfully.
"If only there was some way to track them!" Hermione moaned.
"Hey guys!" Harry said brightly, entering the room with a dirty sock in his hair, "Guess what?"
Taking the desolate expressions as badly conveyed joy about guessing games, Harry held up a small remote. "I found this nifty thingy in the basement!"
"Harry," Hermione gasped, taking the remote from his hand, "This is the remote for the Toy Chihuahua cage!"
"Wow, Hermione," Ron said, surprised, "How did you know that?"
She shrugged. "Elementary, my dear Weasley."
"Um… whatever. Anyways, Harry, how did you get this?"
"Well," Harry began modestly, "After Voldemort cheated and pushed me down the laundry shoot, I thought quickly, and used the dehydrated trampoline I had in my pocket to soften the blow. After fighting off the swarms of cockroaches that monopolized the basement, I was able to discover this by a large, squealing cage."
"Snape must've left it there on accident." Hermione exclaimed. "Harry, with this, we can defeat Voldemort! Chihuahua's have acute senses of smell. Ron, you hold off the IRS, while Harry and I find some of Voldemort's clothing."
Ron nodded and prepared his iPod while the other two raced upstairs.
"Clothing… clothing…" Harry muttered as they searched the Dark Lord's lair, "Doesn't this guy have any sort of wardrobe?!"
They checked everywhere, but to no avail. Soon, Hermione was getting frustrated.
"He must change is clothes some time! Underwear, at the very least."
The two paused, sudden thoughts presenting themselves in very graphic manners. It was spontaneously decided that Voldemort's underwear was going too far.
"Tea." Harry said hoarsely, still recovering from the mental images, "Snape smells like tea. And since Voldemort is so lazy, you can bet that wherever Snape is, Voldemort is too."
"Brilliant!"
Again, they sped around the house, eventually finding the kitchen.
It was a hall of tins and novelty labels. Each blend and mix was arranged in a complimentary pattern, all angled toward a chrome machine, under which lay several offerings.
"It's like some sort of temple," Harry whispered, slightly frightened.
"The most recent tea he's had will be the one on the automatic tea maker," Hermione reasoned. "Once we know which type it is, we can give it to the Toy Chihuahua's to track."
Slowly they approached the machine. The tins formed a huge cavern, and fiery torchlight from some unknown place cast strange shadows of kettles and collectable spoons.
The two mounted the imposing steps up to the dais. There, in the center, sat the tea maker. On the top of that was the blend.
Harry made to take the tea, but Hermione stopped him.
"We need a counterweight." She hissed, holding up a random platter of burnt crumpets. Harry nodded.
"On three. One… two… three!" Harry grabbed the box as Hermione quickly replaced it with the pastries. They held their breath…
Nothing happened.
"It worked!" Harry crowed. "We're taking you down, Voldemort!" He punched the air triumphantly, displacing the oxygen mass above the crumpets, and activating Snape's rather prehistoric burglar system.
A giant tea strainer, the size of an elephant, dropped from the ceiling, and began rolling after the two.
"Run!" screamed Hermione, because Harry seemed to need the hint.
Clutching the tea box, they ran hard and fast, dodging the anvils of biscotti, and leaping over pits of quick sugar.
The strainer rolled after them, squashing everything in its path. Ron stood at the kitchen's entrance, urging them faster.
Suddenly they burst into the foyer, and the tea strainer lodged itself into the basement steps, effectively cutting off all the Napoleonic cockroaches oxygen supply.
"We got it!" Hermione panted.
"Excellent!" Ron said. "Let's go give them to the Toy Chihuahuas!"
Smiling happily, the trio walked over to the basement steps, and whacked their faces on the tea strainer.
"#$#$." Hermione muttered, rubbing her noise.
"Let's just take the laundry shoot." Harry muttered, and led them upstairs.
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The postman nodded. "That's the house, officer." He said, "The one with the thundercloud."
The tax official nodded. "Thank you, sir. You've helped to bring in some undeserving civilians to justice."
"Good." The postman said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an early retirement to plan…"
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So in the end, Harry, Ron, and Hermione captured Voldemort and turned him into the IRS, who gave him six months in prison for not paying his taxes on his electric bill.
The postman, as planned, retired early in the Bahamas, and never had to ask for anyone's signature again.
Snape went on to guest star with Martha Stewarts, and eventually got his own show, Tea and Me.
Bellina joined up with the CIA, and is helping to turn in international spies around the world. After overcoming the language barrier, she is now a successful agent.
And the other Death Eaters got a bigger TV.
Finio!
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AN: Until next time!
