Why would she ask such a question?

Cullen rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, barely remembering to keep his eyes on the dueling recruits in front of him. It was a fight to end the basic level of training for the two, and he needed to focus. After all, if they weren't ready, and he declared them to be . . . .

But why?

Standing twenty feet away from him, speaking with Cassandra, Cullen needed to know why the unusually cheerful woman asked such a question.

Swords continued clashing together, the metal making sounds Cullen heard in his sleep sometimes. Commanding an army made that pretty much inevitable.

His eyes drifted from the duelers and over to the woman who entered his mind more than he was comfortable with. They worked together, and he didn't need personal emotions to interfere. He had determined that from the beginning.

Little did he know that it wasn't anger or resentment that might stand in the way.

"Commander?"

Cullen didn't even glance at the Lieutenant standing beside him, undoubtedly realizing that his attention had drifted. "They have decent form, but they still aren't putting enough vigor into it. I think we need to let them fight against something that actually wants to kill them."

"Like what, Ser?"

Cullen was able to peel his eyes away from the woman and looked out towards the wilderness. "Have them fight some of the wild druffalo. They'll fight back enough to show them what a real fight is like."

"Yes, Commander."

Cullen didn't let his gaze wander from his recruits as his lieutenant gave the orders. Both followed obediently, and the others continued with their training as if nothing had happened.

Something had happened, at least to Cullen.

Why would she ask such a question? Did it matter?


Cullen had become obsessed.

Beyond obsessed.

It was a problem.

With one addiction already tying him down, he did not need another and made it a point to avoid seeing her. It physically hurt him to be away from her, but he needed to be in his top mindset in order to command the troops as he was asked to do.

Suffering had become a part of his life. He was used to suffering, so it was easier to focus around suffering than it was to focus around his obsession.

Obsessions he should say, but oddly enough, his addiction to lyrium was easier to ignore.

"Commander?"

Cullen nearly jumped out of his armor at the sound of her voice behind him. His fists clenched as the corners of his eyes tightened, but he didn't turn. Only continued to watch as the twilight shifted to night.

"Was there something you needed?" he asked, before she could see the way his body tensed.

"I . . . wanted to speak with you about the mages," she whispered, but Cullen could hear her hesitance. "About . . . mages."

"I still think the Templars are the best option," Cullen said immediately. He kept his gaze where it was and tried to empty himself of any emotion, but his heart was beating wildly in his chest. So wildly he could feel it in his fingertips. "Not only is the plan to get the mages risky, it just doesn't seem worth it to me. If you're insistent on allowing the mages to stay, do not do so blindly. They must be kept a watch on."

He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that she was willing to be bait in a plan that might not even work. Why?

She took a deep breath and stepped beside him, and Cullen couldn't breathe. "I will do my best . . . . Do you hate me?"

Cullen was so surprised by this question that it knocked what little air he had left in his lungs out. He remembered how to breathe around her, and he looked to her for the first time since she appeared. "Of course not, Herald. Why would you think that?"

Her bottom lip disappeared between her teeth, and Cullen was captured into her spell all over again . . . the spell she was blissfully oblivious to. She had no idea that she held so much power over him, and that was both upsetting and relieving to him. If she knew, what would happen?

How could she not realize, though? It wasn't like he was the best at hiding it.

"You . . . don't like mages," she said.

Cullen shook his head. "I want to protect them. I used to fear magic, but I've learned to move past that. With the Veil torn open as it is, mages need to be safe as well."

"You don't trust them."

"It's hard to trust something that could so easily create chaos just like this," Cullen sighed. "I try to let go of that, but with things as they are, it isn't easy."

She purposely kept her gaze low, as if to avoid his own. "Does that include me?"

"No."

His answer was so immediate that it surprised her, enough she had to look at him in order to see why it was such a quick answer.

His eyes were swimming with emotions she couldn't read, but she didn't mind trying. Those honey brown eyes were delightful to stare into, and she wondered how long it would take for him to look away.

She had grown fond of the Commander for reasons some may never understand. He had done horrible things to people just like her, without cause, but horrible things had been done to him by people just like her, without cause. He was scarred and lashed out, but that didn't make him evil.

Though his methods weren't right, his intentions were good. She didn't hold him accountable the ways he held himself accountable.

She wanted to get to know him more, to make him feel less pain about the things that had happened to him. From the moment she learned that mages had done something to him, she decided she would make him see the good side of mages, show him that good mages actually existed.

And it had become her fixation. He had become her fixation, yet he seemed to avoid her. Whenever summoned to the war room, he was very brief and spoke in short sentences. His eyes would never meet hers, and he would be the first out of the room. The others noticed how strange it was, but Cullen had always done strange things.

With his distaste for mages, she couldn't help but wonder if it was because of her.

She didn't realize that it was because of her, but not because she was a mage.

"Then why have you—?"

"Things have been busy," Cullen interrupted, before she could get her question out. "I've been in a rush lately. We're not sure what'll happen when you close the Breach, so I must get these soldiers prepared."

She shook her head. "We've all been busy, Commander. It seems like you make it a point to avoid me."

Cullen let out a breath. "I'm sorry if it seems that way, Herald, but . . . it isn't you."

He wondered if he sounded convincing, but maybe because of his uncertainty, he did. Truth was, he didn't know if it was her or him. It was his obsession that caused him to act that way, but it was his obsession with her. So it was tough for him to say.

She almost believed him but noticed the way he looked away, at anything else. "Are you sure?"

Cullen sighed. "Of course."

"If there's something I did, I'm really very so—"

Cullen couldn't believe this. He was acting like a jerk, and she was preparing to apologize for it? It just went to prove the point he knew the moment he heard her speak. She was good, inside and out, and everything about her was beautiful. She was everything the Inquisition needed.

"Please don't." Cullen's voice came out as a whisper, but she heard him. "I cannot bear the thought of you apologizing because of me."

"What do you mean?"

Cullen shook his head and turned away from the sunset, turned away from her. "I'm sorry, Herald. I should get back inside. I'm sorry for any confusion or trouble I have caused, but you have done nothing wrong. It has nothing to do with your magic."

As she stood there, staring after him with a look of raw pain that broke Cullen's heart, he knew he could no longer hide from her. Somehow or another, he would have to allow himself to be near her without letting her get too close.

He would have to get ahold of his obsession. Once he could do that, maybe he would be able to get ahold of them both.

Only then could he truly be the leader the Inquisition needed.