A/N: So hopefully this chapter will shed some light on things. Looking for warnings, see first couple chapters. I've been really inspired lately, and now I have an outline for this story, so all I really have to do is write the story rather than thinking it up. I'm hoping to finish this story by the end of summer. That's my goal, don't hold me to it though. Love you all, read and review. P.S. I put an almost-lemon in here for your enjoyment =)


"Nothing's wrong," Draco replied. "It's just...I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to tell you everything."


Chapter 7 - Explanations

Draco shivered, both from cold and from the weight of what he had just told Harry. The Gryffindor noticed the motion and became suddenly aware of the fact that he was freezing, and if he was freezing, he had no doubt that the pale boy next to him was even colder. His hunch was confirmed when he sat up to locate their t-shirts and heard the sound of Draco's teeth chattering.

Harry turned to the blonde, who objected when the seeker attempted to dress him. When Draco realized that his hands were shaking too badly to put his shirt on himself, he begrudgingly allowed Harry to pull the tee over his head.

Although the shirts did little to fight the cold, at least they were dry. Harry wrapped an arm around the pale boy, attempting to warm him up, even though his own body was not much better off. He wished he knew the drying spell that Dumbledore had used on him in the cave. Harry winced ever so slightly as the memory crossed his mind, and it did not go unnoticed by Draco.

"Come on, let's get back to the castle so we can warm up and talk." Draco nodded, teeth still chattering, and the two boys walked quickly towards the massive front doors. Although they did not speak, something had changed between the two. Harry supposed that near-death experiences could do that.

Once inside, Harry released Draco from his grip, which both boys were disappointed about. However, neither was willing to risk revealing their budding relationship to the other students so early on. After what felt like forever, they finally reached the Room of Requirement, where they found a roaring fire, a change of clothes, and two mugs of hot cocoa sitting on a side table that had appeared next to the couch.

The boys quickly changed, shyly facing away from each other, and were soon cuddled up together on the couch with their hot cocoa. The Gryffindor had his arm around Draco, who was leaning in and resting his blonde head on Harry's broad shoulder. Draco sighed contentedly, and there was comfortable silence between the two while they simply appreciated each other's company. Finally Harry spoke.

"So, do you want to talk about last night?" he asked hesitantly. Draco looked down; he had meant what he said at the lake, but now that the time to speak had arrived, he was extremely nervous.

" I-I do...but, I'm scared," he said quietly, his voice revealing the fear coursing through him.

"Would it help if I explained some of my issues first?" Harry felt uncomfortable; although he really wanted to help Draco, he had only let three people know about his problems so far, and that had been really hard. 'Severus knows what he's doing, he knows what's best,' he thought, trying hard to believe the statement.

"Yeah, I think hearing your story might make it a bit easier for me to tell my own...if you're alright with that, of course." The blonde looked up at Harry, who seemed to be struggling to find words. "So, when did it start for you?" Draco thought that perhaps a specific question was better than asking Harry to tell him everything right away. This seemed to put the Gryffindor more at ease, and after a deep breath, he began.

"Well, the cutting started fifth year. I suppose that's when things just became too much for me. It wasn't one thing, more just everything going on. I mean, my parents were dead, my relatives hated me...all pretty typical. But then...my uncle began to abuse me worse than usual over the summer, and that was...really hard." Harry kept things fairly general, as he didn't think he could bear to go into details just then.

"The final straw was when I came back to school and found that I was being publicly defamed every day by the ministry, Dumbledore wouldn't speak to me, and most of my mates thought I was lying about Voldemort returning. So, one day I just got so frustrated and angry that I punched a wall. That's when I realized that physical pain made everything better...or so I thought. I experimented with a few different forms of self-injury before I figured out that I preferred cutting over everything else." The Gryffindor took a breath and looked at Draco, wondering how the blonde would react and also feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Wow, that's a lot to deal with," said Draco, looking ashamed. "I-I can't imagine I made it any easier on you...I never really thought, I mean, you always seemed so strong, so resilient..." The blonde was feeling extremely guilty as he remembered all the insults and snarky remarks he had directed at Harry over the years.

"Yeah well, there came a point where I was just barely holding everything together. Every night I'd have horrible nightmares that turned out to be visions of what Voldemort was doing. The day wasn't any better; I was beginning to question my sexuality while trying to make things happen with Cho. So I went around in a general state of constant confusion, all the while feeling rejected and incredibly alone. If Severus hadn't intervened when he did, I honestly don't know if I'd be here right now." Harry grew quiet, and seemed to be remembering something incredibly painful.

"Severus. As in Severus Snape?" asked Draco, incredulous.

"Yes, Severus Snape. It was really an accident that he found out about everything, but now I'm extremely glad he did."

"How did he find out?" The Slytherin was really thrown. Snape was the absolute last person he would have expected Harry to open up to.

"Occlumency. Dumbledore forced me to have lessons with Severus so I would be able to keep Voldemort from gaining control over me. So every other day I was in Severus's office, and he would use legilimency to try to break into my mind. At first he thought I wasn't trying, but then I slipped up." Harry paused to take a breath.

"What does that mean?" asked Draco.

"See, I was trying so hard to keep Severus from finding out about my cutting and the abuse and stuff that I didn't have any strength left to keep him away from the rest of my thoughts, fears, and what not. So when he was able to penetrate my mind so easily, he thought I wasn't taking things seriously. Then one night, I cut myself a while before I went to lessons, and I couldn't get it out of my head..."

"He saw," said Draco, suddenly understanding.

"Yeah, he saw. And once he did, I just couldn't hold it together any more. I had a complete breakdown in his office that night." Harry looked down; as much as he wished it were different, he was still a bit ashamed of how things had happened.

"So what'd he do then?" asked Draco, feeling concerned about the expression on Harry's face.

"Well, he told me that I needed help, and that I had two choices. I could either go to the hospital wing, have Madam Pomfrey heal me and stay there for the night, or I could let Severus heal me and stay in the guest bedroom of his suite so I wouldn't hurt myself again. Above all, I didn't want Dumbledore to find out, so although it felt really weird, I decided to stay with Severus. Of course I threw a fit when he made me show him the cuts, but after that it wasn't so bad. We talked a bit, he told me that I wasn't the only person that struggled with self-injury and that it was possible to recover from it. Knowing I wasn't alone made me feel a lot better. Then he made me a dreamless sleep potion and for once I was able to sleep without being tormented." Harry paused, feeling slightly worn out from revealing so much about himself.

"How did you finally stop?" Draco asked, still awed by Harry's story. The brunette looked uncomfortable.

"I guess...well, you see, it's not really something you just stop...at least not for me. It took a long time to get to the place I'm at now. I used to cut every day, sometimes more than once a day. At first I didn't want to try, and Severus had to fight with me to keep me from doing it every night. Finally, once the cycle was broken for a while, I had a bit more control over it, but I was still only motivated to stop half the time." Harry looked sad, and slightly ashamed. Draco wrapped his arms around the seeker and hugged him, realizing how hard it must be for him to admit all of this.

"I-I think I always wanted to stop, but it was more that I wanted the things going wrong in my life to stop, and I didn't think it was possible to deal with them without cutting. So I go back and forth, but most of the time I fight it when I have the urge to do it. I'm not perfect though, and I've had times where I've given in.

Right now I haven't cut for almost two months. I meet with Severus once a week, and he checks me over for new cuts or injuries. Then we talk about things and he helps me think more rationally about them. Once he figured out that I was already able to use Occlumency to block him from seeing my issues, he decided that our time would be better spent working on healthier ways to deal with my problems. I've been meeting with him since fifth year, and in that time the longest I've gone without cutting has been four months, which is quite an improvement on what it used to be. I just hope that eventually I'll be able to stop having slip-ups altogether."

Draco nodded; seeing Harry so vulnerable and sad made him just want to hold the boy tight and never let go. With great effort, he ignored his father's chastising voice in his head and placed a kiss on the Gryffindor's now wet cheek. He couldn't put his finger on what had was different between the two, but in the moment Draco knew what he wanted; he wanted Harry, wanted him as a friend, wanted him as...something more?

"Thank you," he said quietly, "for telling me about everything. I can't even begin to imagine how hard you must have worked on getting through this. I-I'm really scared to try, but knowing that you've gotten so much better makes me think that maybe it's possible, and...maybe it's something I want." Harry smiled through his tears at the Slytherin, so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth.

"It is really hard, but it's worth it to have my life back," said Harry. "So, do you think you're ready to talk about things?" The brunette asked this gently, he didn't want to push Draco too hard. The blonde sighed.

"No," he said quietly, "but I will, because I don't think I'll ever really be ready."

"You don't have to be," replied Harry. "Before you start, I just want you to know that I won't be ashamed of you for anything, and I won't judge you, so don't feel like you have to hold anything back."

"Thanks," said Draco. Harry's comment made him feel a little better, as those things were a bit of what he was worried about. "I suppose I should start by explaining last night. It really started yesterday afternoon. To be honest, I was shocked when you didn't get angry with me for messing up."

"Why would I get angry at you for something like that Draco?" asked Harry.

"Well, I-I've never been forgiven for mistakes before, and I guess I wasn't expecting you to treat me any other way. I'm not allowed to mess up." The blonde closed his eyes, obviously remembering something unpleasant.

"Everyone makes mistakes Draco, we're only human. Where would we be if they couldn't be forgiven? Who doesn't allow you to mess up?" asked Harry, becoming very concerned. The Slytherin seemed to have trouble with this question.

"Harry, I can't say...it's just...you couldn't see..."

"It's your father, isn't it?" Harry interrupted Draco's babbling. The blonde's eyes widened; he obviously hadn't expected the Gryffindor to be so observant.

"H-How did you know?" asked Draco, in disbelief. "I thought people only ever believed I worshipped my father."

"They do, for the most part. I just happen to be more observant than the average wizard. That tends to happen when year after year there always ends up being some sort of evil plot against you, but anyways...you always work so hard, Draco. I'd always see you in the library, but it never seemed like you were studying because you enjoyed it like Hermione. It was more frantic, like you were constantly trying to prove something to someone, but it wasn't the professors, I knew that much. So I just figured your father must take your schooling very, very seriously." Harry looked at Draco pointedly, who pressed his palm to his forehead and shook his head.

"You don't know the half of it," he said quietly.

"So tell me then. You know I'm here for you," replied Harry.

"He-he'd tell me that I had to be the best...at every single fucking thing! Nothing I did was ever good enough! If I got the top grade on a test, he'd tell me that it wasn't just about that one test, but that I had to be the best in the class...in every class. Not only that, but I had to be the best at Quidditch, be the favorite of all the 'right' professors, basically be perfect at anything I was involved in. I was never allowed to just be Draco; I'm a Malfoy, and Malfoys are only allowed to behave a certain way." The blonde had not expected to just start ranting about his father's expectations of him, but although a part of him was shocked and overwhelmed, it felt good to finally talk about these things with someone else.

"I'm guessing that Malfoys aren't allowed to like boys then?" asked Harry, beginning to understand somewhat why Draco acted so hot and cold all the time. The Slytherin laughed sarcastically.

"Well, when I was growing up, the one thing my father hated even more than muggles was homosexuality. Anything that could be associated with it was unacceptable. So I wasn't allowed to wear anything remotely girly, wasn't allowed to sleep over at other boys' houses, and if I ever did anything my father perceived as 'gay,' well...I was punished." Draco looked down.

"Punished...how?" asked Harry tentatively.

"Oh you know," said Draco quietly. "Threats and...other stuff."

"What kind of other stuff Draco?" Harry had a pretty good idea of the type of punishments Lucius would be fond of, but he wanted the blonde to say it out loud. Draco closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before finally replying.

"Erm...you know that cane he always carries around?" Harry nodded. "It wasn't really used for walking. Whenever I did something wrong, and especially if I did something gay...well, he would hit me with it. He'd always put a glamour on when it was over so nobody could tell, but sometimes I'd hurt for the entire week after. And...if I really messed up, he'd use the Cruciatus curse." Draco shuddered before hiding his face in his hands, beginning to cry softly.

"I'm sorry Draco, I really am," said Harry, pulling the distraught boy even closer. "You didn't deserve that, and it's not fair that it happened." The Slytherin looked up at Harry in surprise.

"I didn't deserve it? How can you think that? It was my fault it happened, if I would have just tried harder, studied more, practiced more...well I could have prevented it. I deserved everything that happened and..."

"Draco, stop!" Harry interrupted the blonde. "There's no way you could have done anything to prevent what happened; I know you tried your hardest. And even if there had been a way, you shouldn't have had to. Nobody deserves what you went through. You have a right to be happy and not worry about constantly proving yourself to someone with ridiculously high standards."

"Do you really mean that Harry?" asked Draco, shocked that the Gryffindor would think he deserved any better treatment than he had received over the years. 'After all,' he thought, 'it's not like he was treated the way he deserved either.'

"Of course," replied Harry. "And you deserve to be whoever you really are, regardless of your sexuality."

"Thanks," said Draco, eyes still shining with emotion "You know, when we kissed, it was so amazing. I felt like it was meant to be. But once we stopped, I immediately felt so guilty and ashamed of myself for enjoying it. And...when I feel guilty, it makes me want to...well you know... That's why I couldn't continue with the game."

"I know," said the Gryffindor. "I could tell it made you want to hurt yourself. Can I ask you something Draco?"

"Yes," replied the blonde, feeling slightly uneasy.

"Am I the first boy you've ever kissed?" asked Harry. It was something he had been wondering since the events of the previous night, and if he was honest with himself, something he was hoping for.

"Yes," said Draco quietly. "I've never acted on my feelings like that before. I guess it just scared me is all. My dream later that night didn't help either. I dreamt that my father was coming after me. He kept telling me that I was no good, that I should be punished for being such a failure. It's a dream I have a lot, and usually I end up erm...cutting...so I can get it out off my mind. Last night was the first time in a long time I didn't do it."

"Well, I'm very glad. And I want to help you get stop those messages from your father from tormenting you," said Harry. "So have you ever tried to disagree with them before?"

"Yes," said Draco. "When I kissed you this morning, my father's voice was there, chastising me, telling me not to do it. But I did anyways, because I wanted to, and because I'm sick of denying who I am."

Harry smiled, extremely proud of how far the blonde had come in just a few days. "That's really great Draco, it took me a really long time to start doing that, and you also did it by yourself. I'm so proud of you."

"Yeah well...I never would have even thought to try without you." The Slytherin suddenly felt very sheepish, but at the same time determined. "And...I think I might want to try challenging them even further," he said, a light pink tinge crossing his pale cheeks.

"Are you sure Draco?" asked Harry. "What do you want to do?"

"I'm more sure of this than I have been of anything in a long time. I want you Harry. I want to feel your body against mine. I want you...to touch me." The blonde's cheeks burned, and his father's voice invaded his mind. 'Draco, I forbid this. You've already crossed a line, what you're about to do is unforgivable.'

"How do you feel saying that Draco?" asked Harry, reading the anxiety on the Slytherin's face.

"I feel...nervous and...ashamed," admitted Draco. "I can just imagine the extreme disapproval my father would have if he knew," he said sadly.

"But he's not," said Harry. "So what would help you get past this?"

"Kiss me," Draco replied, to Harry's surprise. Seeing the Gryffindor's unsure expression he said, "if I think about it too long, I don't know if I'll be able to push it away. So let's just go slow, I've never done anything with another boy before."

"Of course," replied the raven-haired teen. "If anything makes you uncomfortable, we'll stop right away, alright?" The blonde nodded. Harry could see that he was scared, but also excited. Smiling, he kissed the pale boy on the cheek. "You ready?" he asked. Draco didn't reply, but instead leaned back on the couch, pulling the Gryffindor down on top of him.

Harry was not expecting Draco to be so bold, but he wasn't complaining. Hovering over the Slytherin for a moment, he brought a hand up and ran it through Draco's soft blonde hair before moving in and capturing his mouth. Draco immediately responded, wrapping his arms around the brunette and moving his mouth against the Gryffindor's firm lips. It was wonderful to feel Harry's toned body against his own slender frame.

Simultaneously, the boys swept their tongues out, intending to beg for entrance to the other's mouth. Harry chuckled in surprise when their tongues met, giving in when Draco persisted and opening his mouth for the blonde to explore. The Slytherin ran his tongue lightly across the roof of Harry's mouth, curling it in a way that made the seeker shudder with desire.

After a few minutes of passionate kissing, Harry decided to try something. Slowly, he snaked a hand underneath Draco's shirt, lightly stroking his stomach before reaching up and placing his palm on the blonde's strong chest. Although Draco had already been aroused, Harry's feather-light touches made him instantly rock-hard. He gasped as the Gryffindor began to remove his shirt, reaching down to assist him. His father's voice berated him loudly, but Draco fought it off with a few well-deserved "Fuck you's."

Once Harry had divested the blonde of his t-shirt, he gazed at the Slytherin's slim frame, and his boxers became uncomfortably tight. Draco felt a great desire to remove Harry's shirt as well, so he began to tug at the hem of the soft grey cotton. The brunette immediately pulled the t-shirt over his head and cast it aside. Seeing the seeker's strong muscles, the blonde felt his erection become almost painful with need. Sensing this, Harry leaned down to capture the Slytherin's pink lips again, pressing their bodies together and grinding his hips against Draco's.

Feeling Harry's erection pressed against his own through the soft cloth of their boxers, Draco felt like he would burst with pleasure, and pressed up against the seeker as well. Slowly, Harry moved from Draco's mouth down to his neck, making the blonde shudder as he began to kiss his way south. The butterflies in the Slytherin's stomach fluttered uncontrollably, but as Harry's mouth drew closer and closer to his tented boxers, Draco's anxiety rose, Lucius's voice screaming in his head. 'Fucking disgraceful brat! STOP this instant! You'll be sorry, you just wait!'

"Harry," the blonde croaked when soft lips reached his navel. The brunette didn't pick up on the fear in Draco's voice. "Harry," he repeated a bit louder when the other boy kissed the skin above his boxers. The Gryffindor still didn't get it. "HARRY STOP!" cried Draco as the seeker's hands began to peel back the soft blue fabric. Surprised, Harry let go, looking up to see a heart-breaking expression on Draco's face. He hadn't meant to scare the blonde, but he had been too absorbed in his ministrations and too aroused for that matter to notice the terrified tears now filling Draco's eyes.

"Oh hell, Draco I'm so so sorry!" Harry tried to pull the pale boy into his arms, but he was pushed away. The blonde curled up, hugging his knees to his chest and shaking with the effort it was taking to hold himself together.

"No, it's not your fault, just...I need a few minutes alright?" Draco closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths. Harry felt awkward, he was still too aroused to think clearly; he felt bad for what had happened, but was having trouble knowing what to do. Finally an idea came to mind

"Erm, alright, but wouldn't it be helpful to just let out your emotions?" he asked, desperately wanting to comfort the blonde but afraid to touch him.

"No! I won't cry over this," replied Draco sharply. "I don't want to regret enjoying this." The Slytherin's breath hitched, but he refused to let the tears run down his face.

"I'm glad to hear that, but crying doesn't necessarily mean you regret enjoying this," replied Harry in a strained voice.

"No, I'll be alright, said Draco. "Really, I will," he continued when Harry gave him a pointed look. After another minute of breathing, he uncurled with a bit of effort, and his shoulders relaxed a well. "I'm ok," he said. "That was...just a bit too fast for right now." Harry nodded.

"Good to know," the brunette replied, realizing with horror that his voice was betraying his uncomfortable predicament. Draco gave him a concerned look.

"Harry, what's wrong?" he asked. A moment later he recognized the signs of Harry's sexual frustration. "...Ahh, oh. Oh Harry I'm sorry, I didn't realize..."

"Don't worry about it," replied the Gryffindor. "But umm...would you mind if I erm...you know..." Harry gestured towards the bathroom.

"Oh, of course...go!" said Draco, slightly amused. As Harry nearly leapt off the couch he began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, earning him a look from the seeker that clearly said, "I will get you back for this."


Once Harry had shut the door to the bathroom and cast a quick silencing charm, he immediately removed his boxers and sat down on the toilet. Taking his sizable erection in hand, it only took a few strokes before he was cumming hard.

"Mmmmm, Draco!" he moaned as the strength of his orgasm overcame him. He had never experienced something so intense from wanking before, and he could hardly imagine how amazing it would feel when he and Draco were finally able to get over their separate obstacles. As he cast a cleansing charm and pulled up his boxers, he knew it would be well worth the wait.


Bwahaha poor Harry, it was in my outline though. So hopefully not too much angst. Draco's trying hard now, hope you all see that. New chapter will be up in time, maybe a week or two. Read, review, all that jazz.

xoxo

fredmyfred