A/N: I know, I know, long time no update, but hopefully the length of this chapter and the fact that this hasn't been the longest I've gone without updating will somewhat make up for that. So warnings, check previous chapters but two specific for this chapter: trauma scene and lots of angst. Also, without giving too much away, we're starting to get a better look about some of Draco's bigger issues, and starting to see Harry in a new way as well. Some stuff about Ron, Hermione, and Harry's relationship as well. I'm probably forgetting something but whatever it is you should get it from the chapter. Enjoy and thanks to everyone who sticks with me even though I so rarely update.
He knew it would be well worth the wait.
Chapter 8 - Successes and Slips
Harry was expecting an awkward silence waiting for him as he made his way back to the couch where Draco sat. Instead, he was greeted by a raised eyebrow and a smirk on the pale boy's face.
"That was fast," said the Slytherin, clearly enjoying teasing Harry.
"Well, you know, I didn't have that far to go," replied the brunette sheepishly.
"I suppose not. I shouldn't tease, it's my fault anyway..." said Draco, the smile fading from his face. Harry began to shake his head but the Slytherin cut him off. "I guess I just panicked," the blonde said with a sigh.
"Why?" asked Harry. "Was it anything in particular that brought it on?" Draco nodded. He didn't really know why he was suddenly so willing to talk about this, but something urged him to explain.
"Erm, it was when you...started...well you know... I-I wanted you to, and that scared the shit out of me. I heard my father's voice: you know, telling me to stop, that I'd be sorry and such, and I just got really afraid. I'm sorry." Draco looked at Harry, shame written across his face.
"I'm the one that should be apologizing," replied the Gryffindor. "This is all new for you. I shouldn't have gotten so carried away. I-I like you a lot Draco, I wanted to show you that, but I should have considered how you would take it. Is there anything I can do to help, that is, if you would want me to?"
"You didn't do anything wrong, and I do want to get past this, but can I ask you something first Harry?" Draco bit his lip, feeling extremely nervous.
"Of course," replied the Gryffindor, sensing the blonde's anxiety.
"What are we?" asked Draco. Seeing the confusion on Harry's face, he continued. "I mean, you know, what are we to each other? What does this all mean?" The brunette smiled and put a hand up to stroke Draco's cheek before leaning in and kissing him lightly.
"That means I like you. And I think that for now, the rest really doesn't matter. Above all, I want you happy and healthy. If we can be something eventually...that'd be amazing, but I wouldn't ask you for that right now..."
"But you would ask it...eventually?" questioned Draco, worrying his bottom lip nervously.
"I would." said Harry simply.
"Good, because I think eventually...I'd like to answer." Draco blushed and Harry smiled as he pulled the blonde into his arms and hugged him.
"I'm so happy to hear you say that," said Harry, giving Draco another kiss on the cheek. "I've wanted to be friends and be able to get to know you for such a long time now. But don't take that as any kind of pressure. We'll figure things out when the time is right and when you get more comfortable with everything. For now, I think we should focus on a plan to keep you safe day by day. Sound alright to you?"
"It does," replied the blonde. "You know, I've never felt ready to stop hurting, but I'm starting to believe that it's actually possible. What did you have in mind?" For once Draco was feeling hopeful, and it was creating a bubble of happiness that seemed to swell in his chest.
"Well, I think that tonight we should sleep here, but then tomorrow, since it's a school night, maybe try it on your own? If we don't want our friends to get suspicious, we should probably sleep in our dorms."
Draco's smile immediately began to disappear at this suggestion. He felt his anxiety rise as he remembered how it felt to be alone in the night and unsure of what he might do to himself. Still, he wanted to prove to Harry that he could handle this, that he was not weak. So he did his best to nod and pretend that he was confident in this plan. The Gryffindor saw through his ruse.
"But you won't be alone, not really," Harry said hurriedly. "You can use the coin I made you if you have any problems at all. If you don't feel safe, just call me and I'll be with you as fast as you can, regardless of what anyone thinks." Draco was slightly relieved by this, although he was not completely sure he would be able to call Harry if he was overwhelmed by the urge to cut.
"I'll do my best," said the blonde nervously. Harry nodded.
"That's all I'm asking for," said the Gryffindor. "Now, let's eat, it's getting well past lunch time and I'm starving!" Draco agreed and after calling Kreacher to bring their lunch, they decided to have a picnic on the floor in front of the fire.
The two boys spent the rest of the day catching up on homework, all the while talking about light-hearted topics and just getting to know each other in general. A game of wizard truth or truth after the school books were put away brought forth several embarassing secrets for each of them, but they both avoided dramatic questions and it turned into a really fun experience. The evening wound down with them snuggling in front of the fire, and after a few more tender kisses they retired to the bedroom.
Wrapped in Harry's arms, Draco had the best night he'd experienced in a long time. The urge to cut was barely there and he slept without the nightmares that typically woke him in the middle of the night. Both boys regretted it thoroughly when Kreacher came to wake them up the next day with a smirk coloring his ancient face. This made both Harry and Draco blush wildly. In a comfortable silence they dressed and prepared for the school day, sharing one last kiss before parting ways.
Harry's first class of the day was transfiguration, which passed rather uneventfully, but when he returned to the Gryffindor common room to do some studying for charms class he was ambushed by Ron and Hermione, who pulled him upstairs to the boys' dormitory, banishing Neville from the room.
"Alright Harry James Potter," said Hermione, crossing her arms, "where have you been the entire weekend? You were supposed to come to Hogsmeade with us, and you totally blew us off!" Harry felt his heart beat faster, and tried to think of a suitable lie.
"Erm...well, you know, with the way you guys have been lately, I just thought that you could use some alone time, so I stayed in and studied. I didn't need anything in Hogsmeade anyway. In fact, I've been studying all weekend." Hermione's face immediately lit up and she gave him a hug, oblivious of the fact that he had been gone at night as well.
"Oh Harry, you followed my study schedule! I'm so glad...but of course you could've told us you know..." Ron rolled his eyes, not believing his best friend for a second.
"Well, even if you were studying, that doesn't explain why you've been gone nights...so who is she? I'm not as stupid as you think I am...it's pretty clear that you're seeing someone." Hermione's mouth dropped a bit as she looked between the two boys, an odd look coming across her face.
"Honestly Ron, I'm not seeing anyone," said Harry. "I just...well I haven't been able to sleep very well lately, so I've been just wandering around the castle."
Hermione frowned, but Ron just shrugged.
"Alright mate," he said. "There's no way you've been wandering around the castle the entire night every night, but I've got Muggle Studies in five minutes, so I guess I can't force you to tell me. This conversation's not over though, you can count on that!" With that Ron picked up his books and swiftly left the dorm, leaving Harry and Hermione to watch him bolt down the stairs.
"Harry, what's really going on?" asked Hermione when they were sure Ron was gone. The brunette boy knew what was coming next and sighed. "You know you can tell me if you've been cutting again. Let me help you...you know you don't want to get trapped in it again." Harry smiled.
"Thanks for your concern Hermione, but you don't need to worry. I haven't cut in two months, and I swear I'm not lying. I've been...well I'm not sure I'm ready to tell you just yet. It's a really healthy thing though, I promise."
"Okay Harry, I believe you...but just to make sure...do you mind?" The curly -haired girl gestured to his arm. Harry nodded.
"Sure Hermione, no problem. I understand." Harry pulled up the sleeve of his robe, exposing the pale inside of his left arm for his friend. She pulled out her wand and removed Harry's glamour; it was a stronger charm then normal, to make sure that Harry wouldn't be able to trick her like he had in the past. When she saw that nothing but the fading scars from his previous incidents littered his arm, and felt through the spell that the most recent ones were from two months ago, she breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thanks, Harry. I'm sorry I had to do that."
"It's alright 'Mione, I know you just care a lot. Now if you don't mind, I have some stuff I really need to get done before charms class, but I'll make sure to spend some time with you and Ron later, okay?" Hermione nodded and happily left the dorm, leaving Harry to take his charms book out of his bag and actually begin to study.
Draco was distracted. Spending the weekend with Harry had been like a vacation from reality, but now he was plunged back into his life and suddenly everything was coming back. He went from class to class, just going through the motions of living, but that same emptiness filled him, so that by the time the day was over he was feeling quite upset. He went to dinner with Blaise, but his friend was preoccupied by his current love interest, and didn't notice how down Draco seemed to be. Looking over at the Gryffindor table, he spotted a pair of bright green eyes watching him, a concerned look on his face.
As Draco walked alone out of the Great Hall towards the dungeons, he was suddenly pulled into a spare classroom by a certain brunette, who immediately gave him a hug.
"What was that for?" asked Draco, incredulous.
"Well, first of all, I've missed you," replied Harry. "Second, you look like you needed it. What's going on?" The blonde smiled, a warm, fuzzy feeling coming over him.
"Well, first of all, I've missed you too...a lot. And second, I'm just feeling a little lonely. This weekend was amazing, but now that I'm back into my 'real' life, I'm being reminded of some of the things that caused me to hurt myself before." Draco sighed.
"Alright, well just remember, you're not alone. You have me now," said Harry. "And, speaking of other things...how are your urges to cut right now?"
"I won't lie," said Draco. "They're pretty high, but I don't have any plan to do anything with them. In fact, I've been planning how I can not cut tonight. I really want to succeed and prove to not only you but also to myself that I can do this."
"That's really good Draco, but if you don't think you'll be safe tonight you know I'll be there for you." Harry looked at the blonde, worry clearly present on his face.
"I...I think I'm going to be alright," said Draco, not sounding completely sure of this. "If it gets to be too much I'm planning on calling you, but I want to try on my own first. I thought about it and I think it'll be a good thing for me." Harry embraced the thin teen again and placed a light kiss on his lips.
"If you're sure," said Harry, smiling. "I'll check in with you in the morning alright?" Draco nodded. "Now I promised I'd hang with Hermione and Ron tonight. Do you need me for anything else?"
"I'll be fine," said Draco, feeling more confident now that he'd talked to Harry. "Go be with your friends." Harry smiled, giving Draco a final hug and kiss before walking towards the door.
"You make sure to get me if you need anything at all," he said, half in the room and half out.
"Don't worry...I will," replied the blonde. Harry exited the room, happy with the result of he and Draco's conversation. Draco waited a little while before leaving himself, just to make sure that nobody would see them together, and headed back towards his dorm.
That evening Draco stayed in his room, doing homework to distract himself until his eyes felt like they couldn't possibly stay open another minute. He thought for sure that he would fall asleep with no problems, but as soon as his head hit the pillow he was suddenly wide awake, thoughts racing. 'Oh fuck,' he thought. 'I should call Harry before this gets too bad.' But something inside stopped him. 'Harry's probably asleep by now. Come on Draco, you're stronger than that. You have a choice, all you have to do is just sit with this.'
His mind was made up. Although his urge to cut was incredibly high, although he felt like he couldn't stand it, although it was extremely hard, Draco put a silencing charm on his curtains and let himself cry. He let himself feel lonely, feel hurt, feel all of the things he usually tried to avoid, and it passed, and Draco felt better. He was amazed, but felt incredibly proud. For once he did not feel weak, did not feel like a failure, and his urge to cut was close to completely gone. Smiling through the tears, Draco fell into a peaceful sleep.
The next morning Harry and Draco met in the same empty classroom they had the previous day, and after a good morning hug Harry looked at Draco tentatively.
"So...how'd it go?" asked Harry with some trepidation. Draco didn't respond. Instead he smiled, pulled up his sleeve, and removed his glamour. It took Harry a moment to remember that the now scabbed over lines were from Draco's previous episode, but once he did he pulled Draco to him and kissed both his cheeks and finally his lips.
"You did it Draco! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am. I knew you could, but I was afraid you wouldn't believe in yourself. How do you feel?"
"Well, to begin with, kind of embarassed...but I suppose I appreciate the enthusiasm. I feel a lot better. It was so hard, and I almost gave in, then I almost called you, but in the end I just sat through it on my own. I did what we did when we were together and let myself feel. I'll be honest, I didn't believe I could do it, but now that I have I want to keep going. Thank you so much again for all your help Harry, I never thought I could be this strong."
"Draco, I'm just so happy for you. This isn't just any trivial accomplishment, and I hope you know that. I know how insanely hard it is. Sometimes it still is for me...but together we can get through this. Now I think it's almost time for potions. Would you maybe want to walk with me?" Harry looked down, knowing this might be too big a step for Draco.
"Oh...well, you know I'd really love to...but I don't know that I'm ready for that yet. I'm sorry." Draco frowned, wishing he could let go of what others would think.
Harry smiled knowingly. "It's alright Draco, I understand. We'll just go separate ways then. Totally fine." Although Harry tried to deny it, if he was honest with himself, Draco not wanting to walk with him hurt...but he put on his highly practiced mask and pretended that everything was normal. Draco thought he saw a hint of sadness in Harry's smile, but he wasn't sure, so he left it alone. Harry would tell him if something upset him...wouldn't he?
The rest of Draco's day went by without incident. Potions class was especially good, because Harry kept shooting him encouraging smiles when nobody was looking. Although he still felt some of the same sadness as the previous day, his success kept him afloat, so that his spirits were still up when Harry checked in with him again at the end of the day. After assuring the Gryffindor that he would be alright and would call him if necessary, he walked back to the dungeons.
That evening Draco stayed out in the common room doing his homework; when Pansy tried to distract him, he allowed it for the first time in a long time. He ended up talking with her and catching up (although he didn't tell her anything about his self-injury) until almost midnight, when they both happily retired to their dorm rooms.
Since he had had such a good day, Draco was shocked when his anxiety level shot up once he climbed into bed. He quickly closed his curtains, not sure what he was going to do and wanting some privacy for whatever it was. Closing his eyes, Draco tried to pinpoint the reason for this seemingly random change in his mood.
The blonde finally realized that while reconnecting with Pansy had been great, it had reminded of happier times. He remembered laughing and having fun with Blaise and Pansy and found himself desperately missing those relationships. This brought him to thinking of all he had lost in the war and the tremendous guilt he had over this.
Suddenly his urge to cut became overwhelming. He needed to punish himself, needed to hurt himself because of the others he had hurt. But still he did nothing; he clung to the fact that he had overcome his urge to cut the day before and told himself that he could do it again, that even if he couldn't do it for himself, he would do it for Harry. So Draco began to write. He wrote pages and pages about why he wanted to cut, why he felt such tremendous guilt over everything. It wasn't all good: he also wrote about why he deserved to hurt, why he was a horrible person, why everything was his fault. As he wrote hot tears dripped onto his blanket, but he continued to write until he had nothing more to say and he lay, exhausted, onto his pillows and fell into a troubled sleep, riddled with dreams about people he had hurt.
The next day Draco had bags under his eyes, and Harry was alarmed when he saw his friend's disheveled appearance, but still Draco had a clean arm to show him, and that was the most important thing to both of them.
Classes dragged on for Draco that day, as he was incredibly exhausted from his hard night. Finally, after dinner, yet another check-in with Harry, and hours of homework, he was able to slip into bed and get to sleep without any problems. He was just too tired to think. Halfway through the night, however, things began to go wrong.
Lucius Malfoy was in his study and had been thinking hard about what he could do to teach his son a lesson he would never forget. After an hour of contemplation, he had finally come to a conclusion. It was the only way, so he called for his son.
"Draco! Come in here at once!" yelled Lucius, his voice ringing down the hallway and into Draco's room. The blonde glanced up from the book he had been reading on his bed and sighed. He wondered what his father wanted now. Closing his novel, he hurried down the hall and knocked on the study door tentatively.
"What are you waiting for you lazy child, get in here!" called the elder Malfoy.
Draco could tell that something was amiss, but still he quickly opened the door and entered the room. As soon as he did his father pointed his wand at him and he cringed, expecting to be hexed or possibly something worse; his father was inventive when it came to punishments, although he was not sure what exactly he had done this time. But nothing happened; instead, the door behind him clicked, and Draco realized that his father had locked it.
"Come stand in front of me son," said Lucius in an eerily calm voice. Frightened, Draco did as he was told. He promptly received a slap across the face. Putting his hand to his stinging cheek, he looked at the floor, waiting for whatever was next.
"So, Draco..." said his father. Draco wondered what impossible thing his father had made up in order to beat him yet again. "It has come to my attention that you seem to have a certain...affection...for the male sex. Am I right?" Draco's eyes widened.
"No, father," said the blonde teen quietly, "I like girls. I am one hundred percent sure of that." Draco was trembling in fear. In his father's eyes, homosexuality was the worst offense possible, and he knew the punishment would be severe, probably the worst yet. He also knew that his father would never believe him.
"Don't lie to me boy! You know I hate it when you lie!" Lucius's eyes held a cold fury. Tears formed in Draco's eyes. He didn't know what to do.
"I don't like boys," he said feebly, even though it would be of no use.
"Yes you do. You like them. You want to have sex with them. Don't you? Answer me Draco!" Lucius stood up and grabbed Draco's chin, forcing him to meet his icy gaze.
"I don't!" said Draco. He hated his father for this, hated him for all that he had put him through, but there was nothing he could do about it. Lucius was much older, much stronger, and much more powerful. He would never stand a chance against him.
Lucius raised his wand and Draco put his hands up in an instinctive attempt to block whatever his father was about to do.
"Petrificus Totalus!" cried Lucius, the spell hitting Draco with a flash of light. His son immediately went rigid, and Lucius caught him by the arm before he could fall backward onto the floor. "Now, I'm going to teach you a lesson on why you should never have sex with a boy," he said, his face full of malice. He flicked his wand and Draco's clothes disappeared; the blonde boy's eyes, the only part of him able to move, looked wildly around in fear.
"After all, if you want to have sex with men, I might as well be your first experience right? That way, every time you even think about sleeping with another boy, you'll remember this. Do you have anything to say about this?" Lucius released Draco's head from the spell so he could talk. Tears streamed down the blonde boy's face as he realized what was about to happen; his voice seemed to catch in his throat as he begged.
"Please father, don't! I'll never, ever even think of another boy! And I certainly don't want to have sex with them. I like girls: breasts, soft lips, everything about them. I would never even consider laying with another male! Please, please just let me go. I swear...I'd stop talking to any boy at all if you wish it, just please don't do this!" Draco could barely breathe; he was in complete disbelief, this went beyond anything he could even comprehend.
"Ahh but I believe it's too late for me to trust that you will follow through on what you say. You understand why I have to do this, don't you son? It's for your own good. After this, you'll be protected; after this, you'll never be hurt again. I promise..." Slowly he lowered Draco's rigid body to the ground and with another spell closed his eyes. The last thing Draco heard was the sound of a zipper just before everything went black.
With a scream, Draco woke from the worst of his nightmares, extremely thankful for the silencing charm he had decided to permanently place on his curtains. In his panicked state he couldn't think straight and found himself dragging a razor across his arm with tears in his eyes before he knew what he was doing. He created three oozing red lines, but as he was about to make a fourth, a single tear splashed onto his arm and he finally noticed that he was crying. He was immediately filled with guilt and self-disgust as he realized what he had done.
'I'm such a failure!' he thought frantically. 'Harry's going to be so disappointed in me! He's going to give up because I'm just wasting his time. I've ruined everything now...I might as well finish it out. What's ten or fifteen cuts opposed to three?' Draco put the razor back to his arm and was about to drag it across when he remembered something. At the last second he impulsively changed his mind; he threw the razor onto the floor, pulled his red and gold coin out of the drawer of his nightstand and pressed the D. Curling up into a ball, he did the only thing he could think of...he waited.
Harry was lying awake in bed when he heard a vibrating from inside his nightstand. Confused for a moment he opened the drawer and saw a light shining through a spare piece of parchment. 'Hmm...that's odd,' he thought, lifting the parchment.
When he saw that his Slytherin-colored coin was the source of the light, he immediately jumped out of bed; worried thoughts ran across his mind and caused him to nearly forget his invisibility cloak, but he quickly pulled it from under his mattress and made his way down to the dungeons.
Draco was still curled up in a ball when Harry found him. The Gryffindor had made his way into the Slytherin common room through a secret passage that Draco had told him about and tiptoed into the blonde's dorm room, where he saw that the curtains were closed around one bed. Silently, Harry slipped between the green sheets of fabric, removing his cloak as he sat down at the foot of his friend's bed.
Draco felt rather than saw Harry on his mattress. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before sitting up to face the Gryffindor.
"Draco," said Harry, very worried. "What's wrong? What do you need?" Draco didn't say anything; instead he sat with his arms around his knees, tears streaming down his pale face. Harry moved over and wrapped his arms around the blonde, who leaned into him, putting his head on Harry's shoulder. The two boys sat like that for a while, Draco shaking and Harry whispering comforting words until finally the Slytherin was able to speak again.
"I-I slipped," said Draco, feeling incredibly ashamed. Harry sighed.
"Well I'm glad you called me then," said the brunette. "Why did you feel like you had to cut yourself?"
"I woke up from a dream and all I could think was 'Make it stop,' over and over. It was like I didn't even realize I had the razor in my hand before I was doing it. When I could think a little more clearly I made myself stop, and I called you. But...the urge to cut is still incredibly high right now..." The blonde's last sentence was barely a whisper. He couldn't believe he was admitting how he felt instead of denying it.
"Draco that's really amazing that you managed to stop in the middle of acting on it. Try not to beat yourself up about slipping, because you caught it before it went any further; even I still have trouble with that..." said Harry, kissing the blonde on the cheek. "I know you feel awful right now but I hope you can see how much progress you're making. As for wanting to cut, I'm here, and I'm going to stay here with you until it passes, alright?" Draco nodded numbly. "So take some deep breaths now, and I'm going to try something to help you get rid of some of the tension you're holding in, okay?" Draco nodded again, and Harry put his hands on the boy's shoulders and began to use his thumbs to gently massage the knotted muscles.
After a while, Draco shoulders seemed to relax a bit, but it was clear that his anxiety hadn't lessened at all, so Harry gave up on the massage and pulled the thin boy onto his lap, holding him as tightly as he could.
"Do you want to talk about the dream at all?" asked Harry softly. Draco shook his head.
"I can't Harry, if I think about it right now I might completely lose it. I'm sorry...I just, I want to cut so badly I almost can't stand it..." The blonde shook with the effort it took to confess this, and he buried his face against Harry's shoulder. His breathing became extremely short and the brunette realized that Draco had begun to sob. He allowed this to go on for a minute until the blonde began to hyperventilate and Harry started to worry that he would pass out if it continued.
"Draco...Draco!" he said firmly when the Slytherin didn't seem to hear him. "You need to breathe. I know you're extremely upset but if you keep hyperventilating you're going to pass out, and I don't want that to happen." Draco tried taking a few deep breaths but when he choked on them Harry realized that he would not be able to stop on his own. Quickly he pulled out his wand and conjured a paper bag, which he gave to Draco.
"Here, breathe into this," he said, incredibly concerned. Draco took the bag with a questioning look but did as he was told and put it over his face. After about thirty seconds his breathing began to even out and he seemed to be getting less frantic. The blonde continued to breath into the bag until he could calm himself down almost completely. Tentatively, he lowered the white bag and closed his eyes, deliberately taking deep, slow breaths. After a time, he opened his eyes and looked at Harry.
"Thank you," he said, "for everything. I don't know what would've happened if you weren't here. I was starting to get really dizzy for a minute there."
"Don't worry about it," replied the brunette. "I've been in your situation before, I totally understand what it's like to feel as if the world's about to turn itself inside out. What do you think would help you the most right now?" he asked the blonde.
"Can you just hold me until I fall asleep and stay with me through the night? I'm really afraid of having another nightmare, but I usually don't have them when I'm with you," replied Draco softly, terrified that Harry might not be willing to do this.
"Absolutely. I wouldn't even consider leaving you like this," said Harry, and Draco sighed in relief.
"Thank you so much. I can't do this alone."
"I know," said Harry, "and I'm always going to be here for you."
The two boys got under the covers, Harry still holding Draco tightly to him, and soon they were both fast asleep and everything was alright in Draco's world.
A/N: Sorry for all the extreme angst but Draco's basically going through his "detox" period and is relying on Harry a lot. Lotsa hugs and kisses though...so that aspect of their "not quite relationship" is going strong. Hope you liked it, haven't started writing the next chapter yet and I'm crazy busy with school so not sure when it'll be up. I have it outlined though...so that should help. You know what else helps? REVIEWS! And I will tell you that the next chapter is called Snape Therapy. Let me know what you guys think ok? Think that's about it. Til next time...
xoxo
fredmyfred
