A/N: At long last...it is Snape therapy time! And lucky readers...both boys have sessions in this chapter. Also, we begin to see some of Harry's struggles as well...maybe he's not as okay as he seems. Read, enjoy, review =)
Chapter 9 - Snape Therapy
"Alright Harry, first things first...as usual," Harry was sitting in Severus's office for their weekly session, which always started with Severus checking to make sure Harry hadn't cut himself again. After Harry rolled up his sleeve and showed the potions professor that he had made it another week without self-injuring they began.
"So how have things been for you this week Harry?" asked Severus.
"About the same, except I've been more up and down than I usually am. I'm not really sure why." The Gryffindor gave his professor a contemplative look.
"Has anything changed recently?" asked the black-haired man.
"Actually, yes," replied Harry. "You know the guy I keep telling you about that I've always liked from afar?" Severus nodded. "Well, I finally found a way to connect with him...although I'd prefer if it were something else."
"Really?" remarked Severus. "That seems like a good thing. What is it you've found you connect over though?" Harry looked down.
"Well...erm...he's kind of...well...he cuts himself as well, and I'm helping him stop." Harry felt very awkward telling his professor this, and hoped he would take it well. "I was actually kind of hoping you could talk to him. I try to help as much as I can but I'm afraid it won't be enough."
"Oh Harry..." began Severus, regarding the teen thoughtfully, "Of course I'll talk to him. Bring him to my office as soon as possible, alright? And I know this probably makes you happy, but my worry is that you'll become enmeshed in his situation. Promise me you'll be careful not to take his actions out on yourself. We don't want to stress you out any more than is necessary."
"I promise Severus," said the teen. "And we're taking things very slowly. I definitely want to make sure he's healthy enough to have a relationship if that's possible. The only bad thing about this is that it's kind of...bringing up some memories...because we've been kissing and some nights I sleep with him in the room of requirement."
"Do you mean that you've been sexually active with this boy?" asked Severus, very matter-of-factly.
"No," responded Harry, blushing in embarrassment. "I meant we just sleep in the same bed and I hold him and make him feel like everything will be alright...the way I always wish someone would do for me."
"Well, I'm glad for you. This seems like it might motivate you to stay healthy in order to advance things with him. And I definitely encourage you to try to get him in here to see me...it'll be less pressure on you. Anyways, can you tell me about these memories? I know you've never wanted to talk about them before, but it's relevant now more than ever."
"No," said Harry hurriedly. "I can't do it...you know that Severus!"
"You can," replied the professor. "You have the ability to...you won't do it. It is a choice Harry, even if it doesn't feel like it." Severus felt bad when he saw the tears shining in the teen's eyes, but he always stuck to his policy of absolute honesty.
"It's too hard," said Harry quietly.
"You're going to have to deal with your trauma eventually," said Severus. "And...if you don't...well, it's going to be even harder on you these upcoming weeks."
"What do you mean?" asked Harry, frightened by the graveness of his professor's tone. Severus hesitated.
"I'm afraid we're going to have to begin weaning you off of the dreamless sleep potion," said the black-haired man. "According to your latest blood test spell results, you've reached a level where the potion becomes addicting, and I can't continue to give it to you in good conscious." Harry looked at Severus in horror.
"You can't do that to me Severus! You remember what it was like for me before the potion! I'd barely be able to go a few days without cutting...I don't want to go back to that!"
"I know Harry, I know. I wish it wasn't like this, but we have no choice now. You're going to have to start talking about the trauma. You knew this time would come eventually..."
"No," said Harry, in tears. "I'm not ready for this. It'll destroy me!"
"You can get through it Harry. You're stronger than it, and you're not alone. Just trust me, have I ever lied to you before?" Severus was highly concerned.
"No, but this time I can't believe you," replied the Gryffindor. He felt like a big ball of anxiety at the moment, and was only half concentrating on what his potions professor was saying.
"I know," said Severus. "I wish you would but I don't expect it." The black-haired man sighed, afraid of what the response to his next question would be. "How badly do you want to cut yourself right now Harry?" The Gryffindor whimpered, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples before he answered.
"Well...on a scale of one to ten, I'd say my urge is at about one hundred. How long do I have until I have to be off the potion?"
"We'll have to cut it by one third tonight, one third tomorrow, and the third day you'll have to be off of it."
"Isn't there anything else you can give me?" asked Harry in desperation.
"No," said Severus. "And if there was I don't think I would give it to you. As hard as it may be, you have to start processing through your trauma." Harry shook his head.
"The nightmares will come back," said Harry. "Then what? I'll be all alone...defenseless...weak..."
"They may," said Severus. "It may get harder before it gets better. I'm afraid right now you don't have a choice. Now, I think I'm going to have to require you to come in more often...perhaps three times a week like it used to be. We'll meet again tomorrow, and I expect you to start discussing your trauma then. Now...how are you going to be safe tonight?"
"What if I don't want to be?" asked Harry solemnly, looking at the floor.
"Well, if you really don't think you can control your urge, I'll have to take more drastic measures. You'll have to stay with me tonight and sleep in the safe room next to mine...in fact, it's not a bad idea while we're weaning you off the potion." Harry looked crestfallen.
"No," said the Gryffindor. "I can control it...I mean I will control it. I promise. I'll get you or Hermione if things get too bad. Just don't make me sleep in that room again." Severus regarded Harry with an extremely cautious look on his face.
"Very well," he said. "But if this proves to be a poor decision on my part, you know I won't be able to trust you again for a long time."
"I know," said Harry. "I'll be good."
"Okay Harry, just remember, you've made it this far, don't give in because of one moment you're feeling weak. You may go, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Thank you sir," said Harry in an odd voice, gathering his things and walking quickly out of Severus's office.
As soon as the door closed behind him Harry ran away as fast as he could. He ran up the stairs of the dungeons into the great hall and out the front doors, not caring who might have seen. He didn't stop running until he reached the charmed willow tree. Slamming himself back against the tree's smooth trunk and sliding down to sit against its base, Harry began to sob harder than he thought was possible.
It wasn't until he felt slender, yet strong arms wrap around him that Harry noticed who had followed him under the tree. Draco had been sitting by the lake reading a book when he spotted Harry making his way across the grounds, visibly upset. He had immediately closed his book and followed the Gryffindor. Now, sitting with him under the willow, the blonde was not exactly sure what to do, so he tried to pull Harry into his arms.
"Leave me alone," said Harry, pushing the Slytherin away.
"Why?" asked Draco, confused.
"Because I said so," responded Harry, crying even harder.
"Ohhh no Harry...I know this game. So let's skip the 'I don't need anyone' part. We both know you do, so give it up and let me hold you." Harry looked at him for a second, fully intending on staying alone and wallowing in his misery, but the look on Draco's face made him give in and crawl into the blonde's lap. The Slytherin pulled him close and Harry pressed his head against his shoulder.
"Can you tell me what's wrong?" asked Draco, stroking Harry's messy locks. Harry shook his head. "Okay," said Draco simply. "But why don't you sleep with me tonight? Let me comfort you for a change." Harry nodded, grateful that he had such a caring...friend? Whatever they were, Harry appreciated it.
After dinner Harry and Draco made their way to the library, hiding in one of the little alcoves and working on their potions essays together. Draco had to help Harry with his, as he royally sucked at potions. Several hours passed and when they were both exhausted with homework the boys made their way to the Slytherin dormitory, where they had decided to sleep since it was likely that nobody would be there. Harry had regained his composure by this point and he and Draco were sitting on the blonde's bed talking by wandlight, since they had closed the green curtains for complete privacy.
"Are you feeling any better Harry?" asked Draco.
"A bit, thanks to you," said Harry, giving Draco a weak smile. "And...I want to thank you."
"For what?" asked the blonde.
"This is really hard to admit, but I'm 99% sure that I would be cutting myself right now if I wasn't here. Today was really hard on me..."
"Well, I'm glad you're here with me then. Of course I wish you felt better, but I like having you with me at night. Is there anything you think you might want to talk to me about though?" Harry sighed.
"I guess I can tell you a bit about it. You might have guessed my session with Snape didn't go very well..." Draco nodded. "Well, I usually take this dreamless sleep potion every night, and it keeps me from having these horrible nightmares...and now Severus is saying I won't be able to take it any more. I'm so scared Draco...I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Why do you have to stop taking it?" asked Draco.
"My blood levels have gotten up to an addictive level. Also...Severus says I have to start dealing with things I've been avoiding. And I just don't think I can."
"Harry...you're one of the strongest people I know, I really believe you can do it. And if you ever think it might be easier to talk to me about whatever it is you haven't dealt with...I'm completely willing to listen. As for these nightmares...I'll sleep with you every single night if it'll help. In fact, I think it'd help both of us." Draco finished his inspirational speech with an encouraging smile, but he saw that tears had filled Harry's eyes.
"You're so wonderful Draco, I don't deserve your kindness. I'm sorry to be such a burden on you. I feel so ashamed. I've just been such a failure recently."
"Shh," said Draco, wiping away tears from the Gryffindor's face. "Don't ever think you're a burden. After all you've done for me, how could you believe that? And you're absolutely not a failure. You've inspired and helped me so much, and you don't give up, no matter what. Be proud of yourself for that."
"But I've reached my limit," said Harry. "Tonight I would have given up if it weren't for you. I just know I'm going to slip up soon, and then it'll spiral downwards and then I'll be right back where I started and..."
"Shh Harry, don't think like that. You're going to be strong and get through this. I know you are. We're going to help each other, no matter what." Draco wrapped his arms around Harry, who relaxed into his embrace.
"I hope so," replied the raven-haired boy. "Now, I'm tired, can we go to sleep?"
"Of course," said Draco. The two boys once again snuggled up together under Draco's green and silver comforter, each holding onto the other as if nothing else existed.
The next morning as the sun shone through a crack in the curtains of Draco's four-poster bed the blonde woke with a start and stared at the empty space that had been occupied by Harry for much of the night. Draco immediately became worried, but just as he was about to call out for the other boy the curtains opened again and in crawled Harry. He had a serious case of bed-head and bags under his eyes, but other than that he appeared to be okay.
"Where'd you go?" asked Draco, still slightly alarmed.
"Oh, I just wanted to splash some water on my face and wake up a little. That's all...promise."
"Okay," said Draco, "just checking. So how are you feeling this morning?"
"A little better," replied Harry. "I'm still stressed out about this whole potion thing, but at least I didn't have nightmares last night." The dark-haired boy sighed. "I guess I'll have to figure something out for how to deal with it. I'm terrified of things being the way they used to though."
"Well, if there's anything I can do, let me know. I want to help."
"Yeah. I'll try to think of something, but I guess right now what I need is someone to talk to other than Snape. I just feel really ashamed when I talk to him." Harry looked down, feeling vulnerable. "But speaking of Severus...would you be willing to talk to him? I think it would really help you, and it'd make me feel a bit more at ease. Do you think you're ready for that?"
Draco considered Harry's question for a moment. Finally he nodded. "Ready? No. Will I do it for you? Yes, although I still have some issues I guess I should sort out with him. But if you're brave enough to talk to him I suppose I can too. When should I see him?"
"He's available today," said Harry. "If you want I can come with you and help you ease into it..."
Draco shook his head. "I think this is something I have to do on my own, but thanks for the support. Well, I should probably start getting dressed and go see Snape before I start thinking about it too much."
"Right," said Harry. "Good idea. I think I'm going to spend some time with Ron and Hermione today, but do you want to meet later tonight?"
"Probably. I'll call you with the coin when I'm ready, and you can do the same, and then let's meet in the room of requirement." The blonde got up and walked toward his trunk to grab his clothes and Harry moved towards the door. Draco turned around, not intending to let the Gryffindor go so easily.
"Harry," he called. The other boy stopped and looked back, confused. "One more thing," said Draco, walking over to him and placing his hands on the teen's shoulders.
"What's that?" asked Harry.
"This," replied Draco as he leaned in to kiss his Gryffindor on the mouth. Harry was taken by surprise but soon relaxed into the kiss and responded with enthusiasm.
"Thanks," said Harry when it was over. "I needed that. Now you go get ready and I'll see you later tonight okay?" Draco nodded and once again walked over to his trunk as the raven-haired boy slipped out of the room.
It took Draco half an hour to get ready, but finally he mustered up the courage to walk to Snape's office. Taking a deep breath, he knocked softly on the door, a part of him hoping the potions master would not be there. He had no such luck. The door opened and there stood the black-haired man, a slightly confused look on his face.
"Draco," he said, "what brings you to my office today?"
"Erm...professor..." replied the Slytherin. "I was kind of hoping to speak with you about some...things..." Severus nodded.
"Well come in then and grab a chair. We've got plenty of time." Snape closed the door behind them as Draco sat down in the chair in front of an oak desk. Severus took his place across from the boy and folded his hands together. "Now, what can I do for you?"
The blonde was very apprehensive, but although he did not fully trust Severus, he trusted Harry. So, taking a deep breath, Draco began. "I suppose the first thing I should say is that I'm here because someone said I should go to you."
"I see," said Severus. "Would you like to tell me who sent you?"
"I guess I can. It was...erm...Harry." Draco looked down at his lap. Realization dawned on the potions master and he already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask.
"So, what kind of problems are you having?" The blonde shook his head, feeling ashamed to have to admit what he was dealing with to the man.
"I-I don't know if I can tell you," said the boy. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have come, I'm just wasting your time." He began to get up to leave, but Severus reached across his desk and grabbed the teen's slender wrist.
"Hold on a minute Draco. You came to my office for a reason. There's obviously something bothering you. What makes you think you can't tell me?"
"I just can't," replied the pale boy in a quiet voice. "I'm too ashamed..."
"Draco, I am your godfather. No matter what you say I'm not going to judge you. I promise." Draco looked at the man and could see the sincerity in his eyes. With a sigh he sat back down.
"Alright. I'm not quite sure how to say this but...well...sometimes I hurt myself on purpose. I know I'm disgusting and wrong and..." The professor cut him off before he could insult himself further.
"Wait a second Draco. First of all, I want to tell you that I'm glad you've come to me...you're very brave to do it. Second, just because you self-injure doesn't mean you're disgusting and wrong. It is a problem, but that's all...you can't judge yourself for it. Now, I have an important question to ask you."
"What's that professor?" asked the blonde?
"Are you willing to deal with your past in order to get better?" Severus looked at the teen seriously and saw the conflict on his face. "Because I can help you, but I need you to give it everything you have..." Slowly Draco nodded.
"I know I'll hate it, but I can't avoid it forever. I guess the sooner I start trying the better right?" A rare smile crossed the older man's face.
"That's very good Draco, I'm happy to hear it. Shall we start today?" Draco looked taken aback, but Severus quickly reassured him. "We won't get into anything too heavy right now since it's your first time, but it'd help me to get some background knowledge on what's been going on." The blonde seemed relieved.
"Alright, we can start now I guess." With Draco's consent, the potions master reached into his desk and pulled out a blank sheet of parchment and a quill. "Wait, you're going to write this down?" asked Draco.
"If it's alright with you," replied the black-haired man. "I like to have a record of our sessions so I can reflect on them and think about what kind of therapies would help the most."
"Just as long as you don't show them to anyone," said the blonde.
"Of course not. Nothing you say will leave this room. I would not do anything to violate your trust. Do you believe that?" Draco nodded once again. "Good. Now, I have some general questions to ask first. If you're uncomfortable with any of them you don't have to answer."
"Okay," said Draco.
Severus began with some simple questions about school, what he was studying, how much stress classes caused for him, etc. By the time he finally got around to a harder topic Draco was already on edge.
"Now, if I'm going to help you I'll need to know where and how you self-injure, and I need to see the areas where you've hurt yourself." The Slytherin looked down at his lap, reluctant. "I know it's hard Draco, but I need to see." Slowly the blonde pulled up his left sleeve and held his arm out for Severus, refusing to look up as he blushed slightly. The professor took his wand from his pocket and performed a diagnostic charm on the cuts and scars covering the teen's arm.
"You've been hurting yourself for quite some time I see." Draco nodded, still refusing to look at his professor. "I'm going to heal these newer cuts for you. Hold still." Blue light came from the tip of Severus's wand and danced across Draco's injuries, leaving pale pink scars in their place. "There," said Severus. "Now, are there any other places you cut?" The blonde shook his head no. "What do you usually use?"
"A razor," said Draco quietly.
"And when you want to cut do you try to use any coping techniques first?"
"I never used to, but lately I've been trying really hard not to do it. Sometimes it works and sometimes I fail." The teen looked sad and ashamed.
"So you consider it failing when you cut yourself?"
"Yes. I feel like such a weak, pathetic, horrible person when I do it."
"And why is that?" asked the black-haired man.
"Because I should be stronger. I should be able to resist something so...abnormal, something so disgusting. I should..."
"Hold on Draco. I want you to try something. It'll be your therapeutic goal this week. I'd like you to write down some negative thoughts you have in a journal. Then, every time you have an 'I should...' thought, try to think of where it's coming from. Is it something someone said or something you tell yourself?"
"Well...I guess my father used to say it a lot. I was never good enough for him and...never mind..." Draco was starting to feel very overwhelmed and was becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Can we stop now sir, I don't think I'm ready to discuss this."
"Alright Draco. You've done very well for your first session. I'll send you an owl letting you know when we'll meet next week, but if you need to talk at some point before that do not hesitate to come see me. Just so you know though, I'll have to check your arm next week. It's my policy that if I find that you've self-injured, we'll have to find a way to keep you safe." The blonde looked crestfallen. "Don't worry Draco, it's not a punishment, and you won't be berated for it, but measures must be taken to help you break the cycle...and you'll have a say in what those are of course. Can you agree to that?"
The blonde sighed. "I guess so. I don't think I can promise not to slip, but I can promise to try." Severus nodded.
"Thank you Draco, you may go now. But remember you're not alone in this, and it's going to be alright."
"I hope so sir," said the teen as he walked out of Severus's office. When he saw who was waiting just outside the door for him he was visibly relieved.
"Hey, how'd it go?" asked Harry hesitantly, pulling Draco into a hug. The blonde rested his head on the shorter boy's shoulder for a moment, feeling exhausted.
"I guess as well as can be expected, but it still stirred up a lot. Will you stay with me for a while?"
"Of course," said Harry. "Let's go sit by the lake." The two boys walked together out onto the grounds under Harry's invisibility cloak, only removing it once they were safely under the willow tree.
"Harry," said Draco. "I have something to ask you." Harry became a bit nervous at this, hoping it was not bad news. "...I really like you, and I was wondering how you'd feel about...well...going on an official date?" A grin spread across Harry's face.
"I'd love to, more than you ever could know."
Alright there you go. I feel like this is getting a bit repetitive but I promise there'll be less angst and more boy love in upcoming chapters. Review please and I may be motivated to write faster...
