chapters: 3/?
pairings: MiyavixKai KaixReita
syn: Help me pull this 'What the fuck.' To a 'something'….
comments: well, as u all SHOULD know with reading around. that i have been very busy finals, military school, sat school, Acedemic support, guitar, acting, modeling... yeah, studying... uh hu... and no, i have not stopped writing oH BoY k!LL... it's still live and healthy. ((oh!? Whats that!? A LUMP!? CANCER!?!?!?!)) this fic mEntal SEX, is just a stress reliever... yes, well... yes. enjoy.
Every month, on the first and third week, on Mondays, a cirtain check would come through the mail.
Every Thursday on the last week of the month, that check was taken to the bank and X amount of money was exchanged for the check in cold cash.
Then every last Sunday, homeless and desperate would gather in the ally between the two apartment complexes on the Hun Su street...
And smile as money will fall...
It's. Something that has yet to be explained... It's a myth, something that only the very lucky know...
This, once a month bliss for those who people have been forgotten. They stay in the shadows for a reason...
They are not wanted.
Obviously, they are not wanted... And they dont belong.
Who would want a strange smelly man?
A person who cant be trusted and is crusted over with who knows what.
Yes, they might have been very successful people at one point... They could have great ideas that could help change the world and make the future a better place.
But we dont care.
We ignore them.
We didn't read as many books. And we didn't study as much. But we dont care. There below us...
And look now.
We've come out fine...
A genius is what they would call me. If they knew who I was... A god, a savior, a hero. But I am non of those.
Just a retard.
Thats what I think as I throw the money from a bucket out the fire escape window and look down below to see the scrambling people in rags act like dogs to get at the money first.
Yes, they think me as their god.
A hero without a cape.
Not a retard...
"Thank you!"
I hear them calling up to me and peek over the fire escape railing to see happy faces smiling up to me and a few people waving. Their pockets full with my monthly hospital checks.
My disability….
I waved back to them and slipped back into the apartment, dropping the bucket next to the window and closing it with a snap. I smiled feeling that happy feeling of helping others. Feeling that I can be more help than an annoyance…
It suddenly vanished though when the front door opened and Kai came in holding a bag. He looked to me before smiling weakly and walking into the kitchen and setting the bag down.
It went silent except for the rustling of the plastic bag as Kai started to pull things out. "… How are you Miyav?"
I looked to Kai for a long minute before pulling a smile and nodding. "I'm fine Kai… How are you?"
I watched Kai sigh and lean against the table for a brief minute before pushing away and walking to the pile of mail on the counter picking it up and flipping through the mail.
Ignoring my question…
So I watched him… And waited…
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And whatthefuckisyourproblemdidyounothearmeshouldIrepetemyselfforyou?
And waited.
And waited.
And, oh…. He looked up.
"… Miyavi…"
I smiled and stood up straight. "Yes?" He looked to me for a long minute before shaking his head no and leaning on his other foot while flipping through the mail again. I frowned and jutted out my lip slightly. "…….."
Kai glanced up to me before sighing and setting down the mail and leaning against the table again while looking up to the ceiling, seeming to be thinking of something very hard before turning to look at me.
"…. Well… Miyavi, I am supposed. To be getting a check in the mail soon… A, check from, the hospital…. It has a lot of money on it and it well… Well. I just kinda need it…"
I looked to him, my mouth hanging open. Isn't that supposed to be MY money? It's MY disability! What would he want with it? I quickly closed my mouth a swallowed. "…. W, what would you, do with that money?"
I watched Kai shift onto his other leg and he looked away, out the window. "…. Well, I would… First, Well… Why do you want to know?" Kai asked me, not looking to me making a lump form in my throat.
I quickly thought up a lie. "… Uh, I, want to know what you do with checks… Cause if I get one, I know what I will spend it on. A big box of CANDY!" I clapped my hands weakly making Kai frown. "No, you first have to pay for your bills first, then whatever money you have left. You get REAL food.."
Kai then picked up the plastic bag and dropped it again. "And that is why I am the one handling the money, because I know you wouldn't get REAL food…. Just candy. Or nothing at all…"
I just shrugged and moved to touch the mail but Kai pulled it away before I could reach. "I don't want you touching the mail Miyavi… You know that." Kai said tucking the mail under his arm and walking towards the stove. I glared to his back.
Never stopped me before…
"Well, Kai, what do you do with the money left over?" I asked rocking onto my toes and watched as he pulled out a pan, and pot then set them onto the stove. "… Well, after I am done paying for my bills… I get food for me, and you… Then… Well." He smiled as if dreaming. "I have been trying to save up. To buy Reita this gift."
I felt my whole face frown. Why Reita? It's always Reita.
Reita this, and Reita that?
What about Miyavi?
What about me?
Reita can go fall down some stairs for all I care.
"…. Oh, well… What is it your trying to get him?" Kai looked over to me. "… I'm not going to tell. You might spoil it." I frowned. "I promise I wont tell. You can trust me Kai." I leaned over onto the table and gave a small pout. Kai looked skeptical and was about to say something when there was a knock on the door.
I ran looked up to Kai. "I'll get it!" Kai blinked and was about to say something but I ran away to the door before he could utter a word. I looked through the peep hole frowning when I couldn't see any one there then swung the door open. "Hello?"
Reita stepped into view smiling down to me. "Hello Miyavi, how are y-"
SLAM
I slowly locked the door while frowning. There was no way I was going to let that fucker near my Kai…
Kai poked his head around the corner, wiping his hands on a towel. "Was that Reita?" I quickly shook my head no. "It was… Ruki. He called me a mean name again, so I closed the door on him." Kai frowned stepping out into the hall. "That Ruki… That's fine then, I don't want to talk to him when he is being mean." And with that he turned from the hall and back to the kitchen.
That was it? No, 'That's fine, I don't want to talk to him when he's being mean, TO MY BOYFRIEND…' Why didn't he add that last part?
There was silence before the door bell started going off. Kai walked back to the hall. "My god, Ruki could be so demanding." He grumbled heading back into the kitchen. I quickly ran after him, trying to ignore the door bell and watched as Kai started cooking.
I watched him closely as he moved around the kitchen, getting some eggs from the fridge, then adding some seasoning.
Are you happy Kai?
Do you think we are a good…. I don't know what?
Do you think about me as much as I think about you?
What were you planning on doing with my disability? It's under MY name, it's MINE by law, I'M supposed to use it… And, yet I havn't used a penny of it… I don't need help. I don't need their money…. But the thought of you stealing from me, without telling me…
I don't know what to think any more.
Iv'e noticed you and Reita get closer.
Short little touches turned to little kisses to long make out sessions… Next will be sex.
Well, maybe that wont be next… Maybe your already having sex with that punk…
Maybe, on the nights your not here, your with him. In his bed, in his arms… In him.
Moaning and growling his name, begging him to go faster and faster….
Until…
Then stars is all what you see before the numbing dizzy that will wash over you and you relax next to him.
Smiling.
Without even thinking once about me. Not my name, not my hair. Not MY body under or over you. Not MY arms wrapped around you, or MY lips lightly kissing your temple and MY calming words whispering you to sleep.
So are you happy Kai?
Do you know what you want anymore?
What are you doing? While you and Reita are a budding couple, we are the 'I don't know what'…. Is it Miyavi you want?
You fell in love with Miyavi… Or, was it not love. Just another something… Another 'I don't know what.' But something that stretched to this big 'What the fuck?' Well, you can be happy Kai, but what about me? I'm, not happy…
I don't know what to think any more… I've never been in a relation ship, or a 'What the fuck.' Not even an 'I don't know.'
So, I will give you, Miyavi… I will. And I will try to fix this into… A 'something.'
But you must promise me something… You must promise to do your side… Help me pull this 'What the fuck.' To a 'something'….
Without me telling you.
You should know already… The first signs if I want to change. You should jump at them the first chance you see them… Leave Reita. And come back to me…
This is my test to you.
Will you ace it? B? C? D and 3/4ths?
Or will you see it, and just not jump at it? Will you pass it up, and continue pushing our 'What the fuck' to a 'I hate you.' It's up to you Kai… I will just give the cards and wait for you to respond.
I shouldn't have to say anything.
If you really love me.
You should see it as easily as you would see Reita in a big crowd…
The sudden ring of Kai's cell phone snaps me out of my thoughts and I notice that I have been leaning against the table just starring off into space for 20 minutes now. The banging on the door has stopped. And it is quiet except for the ringing…
Kai puts a pot onto the stove while he digs out his cell phone and reads what it says before his face brightened up and he quickly answered.
I already know who it is…
"Hey Reita! How are you?…. Whats that?…. You say your outside?…" I close my eyes and try to swallow down the sudden anger and hate as Kai walks past me to go the front door.
The door is opened and cell phones are cut off. Then space is filled with bodies and air particles, and dust fly as Kai lifts his arms and Reita brings their bodies closer… I hear, every movement.
I feel, every movement.
I taste, every kiss.
1, 2, 3…. Breath.
Again.
1, 2, 3…. Breath.
One more time… 1, 2, 3… Gasp, pant. 4, 5, 6…
8
11
14
19
22
….. Oh, god. Make it stop.
Reita finally pulls away and gently moves some of Kai's bangs out his face while he smiled down to him. Kai mimicked that smile and they stared into each other's eyes deeply.
Deeper….
Deeper….
Lost…. Gone.
Come back?
Hello?
Me?
What about, me?
I sniff making Kai and Reita quickly let go of each other and look in my direction. I stood there, trying not to cry. Trying to make it like all the other times… But, I cant. My body wont let me… Why? Why cant I deal with it? I've been dealing with shit like this all, my, life.
But tonight. I have to push, alittle harder for my fake smile to spread onto my face.
Like unnamed brand peanutbutter…
I actually have to force, to unfist my hands and relax.
Like deflating dough.
And I have to think before I speak.
Like the smart person I'm not…
Is this not hard enough.
Kai and Reita just stand there… Waiting, for me… Why would they wait for me now? Just waiting for a reaction I wont give… Are you waiting for me to snap? For me to just blow over and yell at your face so you can get me out of the picture finally. Your mind is working in one way…
'Please, let him get angry… Yeah, I'll feel bad and all. But only for a few days, cause I finally got you. I will finally have him out my hair and move on with you. Just you… Lets go to the park later. Or better yet. Lets skip all that, and just get married…. I like that idea. You?'
But I know… I know what your thinking… You cant, and wont, trick me… I may be retarded… But I'm not blind… So I will continue smiling, and acting as if I don't see you… I will continue loving and following when you don't want me to… And soon enough, you will see the signs… Maybe you will see them tonight.
But your going to have to LOOK, IN, MY, DIRECTION, in order for you to see…
….. Maybe, not tonight then….
"…. Miyavi." Kai said slowly as he took a step towards me. I blinked and quickly looked up to him, not remembering when I started looking down to my socks. "… Reita will be having dinner with us tonight."
Yee, fuckity, dee, fuckity, doo….
"That's fine." I said smiling then turn going back into the kitchen. I don't hear Reita or Kai coming until a few seconds later…
Or is it steps?
Are they giving me space?
Or…
"Well, tonight I made Galbi, Tanshio, Torihara, Yukhoe, Soup, and 4 Salads." Kai said setting the table as Reita sat down I glared as he sat down then moved my attention back to Kai and smiled, watching as he started to fill Reita's plate first.
I stayed patient…
Then I saw him filling his own plate.
Then he sat down……
I looked down to my empty spot on the table and back to Kai and Reita talking to each other across the table as if it was just them and some romantic outing. I watched them switching back and forth as they spoke.
"This isn't so bad honestly…"
"Oh, good. I'm glad you like it Reita."
"Well, I havn't eaten all day, so I can eat about anything at the moment."
"Oh thanks! So your saying you still don't like my food?"
"Well, you still make things a little too sweet… But, I like this… Except for the salads…"
"Well, mister, you need to eat your veggies or you wont be nice and strong."
"Your right, I wont be able to protect you if I'm weak from not eating my veggies."
"Oh? And what Is there to protect me from?"
"Well, you never know. You might be walking down the street when something bad can happen and – blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…"
I cant believe this… Have they forgotten that I'm here? That quickly!? I franticly glance to Kai who Is laughing behind his hand then picking up more food and putting it into his mouth. I then looked to Reita who was smiling smugly and moved to pop more food into his own mouth. I looked back to Kai who peeks to Reita when he thinks he isn't looking. And I look back to Reita who continues to eat then smiles sweetly to Kai.
I feel sick.
How could they just, forget about me? They wont even LOOK in this direction! I swallow the sudden lump in my throat and shut my eyes when my mouth starts to feel tight. I will NOT, get sick.
No matter what. I will keep it all undercontrol. Everythings fine… Just fine.
I sniff and gently spread my hands over my lap as I wait for the nausea to calm down. It takes me 4 times I must clear my throat to get through their laughing for them to finally notice me. "Oh, Miyavi whats wrong? Kai asks still in the middle of a smile. I just feel worse….
I glance down to my empty spot in front of me with my head, too afraid to talk that I might loose it… I wouldn't eat, not know… Miyavi I'm sure is hungry. But he's going to have to wait till I get things back incontrol.
Kai at first didn't know what I was trying to say before looking down to the empty space. "Oh! I'm sorry Miyavi. Would you like to eat too?" I slowly nod my head.
Kai smiled his usual bright smile. "Then, get on up and get you a plate… You can help yourself." He said cheerily before turning his full attention back to Reita.
I looked to Kai for a long, long, long minute… So, he would serve Reita and himself… But not me? I really felt ill now to the point I'm sure it was showing. But they wouldn't see… They wouldn't notice…. Why would they.
All I want to do is groan and lay my head onto the table then get sick, but I don't… Yet I'm so close to doing it. I hold myself up and just sit there, waiting… For what I don't .know, but I'm waiting for it… The conversation to end maybe? For their attention to move to me? For Reita to hurry and choke on his fork… One of those, witch ever comes first…
Too bad for me non of them happen. I waited out and slowly came out of my nausea as Kai and Reita finished up their meals. They clean up and move to sit in the front room, Reita talking about a movie they should watch together…
Together equals two… Not three.
So I sit there, in the dark kitchen as I hear then chatting in the front room. And before I know it. I hear footsteps, walking away…. Towards the door. The shuffling of coats, and the rattle of shoes…. Then the open of the door. And the slam.
Then quiet.
It's quiet…
Where did they go?
No good bye?
Hello?
I'm still in here.
"Fuck." That's all I can say. "Fuck." So I say it again. "Fuck." And hey, why not again. "FUCK." And again. "FUCK!" And again. "FUCK!" And, again. "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!" By now I'm banging on the table and gripping the chair. I bang again, and again, and hey, why not one more time…
"FUCK, FUCK, FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!" And now, I'm crying. I feel my face go hot, and my eyes burn… And I cry.
I don't know why I'm crying… But, I do. I feel, I must. I havn't cried in a very long time. And each time I do, I tell my self not to ever do it again… But, here I am. Crying once more… I'm such a retarded baby…
What am I dong wrong?
What am I supposed to do?
A smart person would know."
But that's not me…
Whatever. I just…..Need. This giant, hole in my heart needs filling…. Something, real, something, there… I need it now… It's hurting so much. I cant breath… I need someone… Something, but nothings there… Nothings here.
I grasp out for my life line… My rope that every one is able to get…. But all that I get is air. Nothings, there…. Nothings, here…
All I see is the too big sky, with very little clouds…. And no birds… No life line… No rope. Nothing.
It's killing me.
Slowly, slowly as I fall from the sky. It goes dark around my eyes. Slowly, slowly…
Why, why is this happening to me? I would like to know… I WANT to know… Why me? Why did, my uncle have to do those things to me? Why did my parents have to over protect me? Why did I go to that mental hospital?
Why didn't I stay?
Why did I go to that public school?
Why did they do those things to me?
Why.
Why.
Why.
I'm getting tired of questions. I want ANSWERS. And I want them NOW. Why Kai? Why are you doing this to me?
Why am I doing this? Why am I here? Whats wrong with me? I don't know, I don't know, I dont know…
So, I will wait. For a smart person to come… I will wait, like always for them to come and find me…
This time. They will find me in the bathroom. On the floor. Vomit covering the ground. I'm in a daze… I cant feel my head. It's all a numb I didn't call.
I wonder what movie Kai and Reita went to see.
I wonder if the popcorn is buttery or dry…
I wonder if they are sharing a soda right now.
I wonder if it's a scary movie so they can have an excuse to cuddle.
I wonder if they remembered I'm still at home.
I wonder if they even thought of me. Or brought up my name…
I wonder, if I even crossed their thoughts…
Why don't you think of me the same I think of you Kai? I think of you almost all the time. And at the same time think it's a waist of time, yet I cant stop thinking… It's like that with every one. You pass by them and say hello. While you walk, you continue thinking about them, even when you get home. You remember the feeling, the feeling of being noticed. The hello. The time, the place, how you were feeling… All of it.
While the person who said the hello wasn't even thinking when they said 'hello'. It was just a reaction.
Automatic.
They wont remember you… They cant and you wonder why….
Well, I do at least. I wonder why every one cant be like me… No, I don't want that. I just want someone to give me a chance. A hug. I don't want to have to watch as friends hug each other so easily… While I have to 'ask' to get my hug… Or hello.
I don't want to have to do that any more… To stand with a crowd and not know who the hell they are talking about… Or, to be able to laugh freely and actually 'know' what were laughing about… Not having that feeling that they just might be laughing at me…
So it's a friend that I ask for? I don't think so… I'm over 'friend' now. I want more than a friend… I want to be 'loved.' Is that so hard? And if so can you tell me why? If not then… Well, why? I deserve to know…
I'm rambling now.
In my mind, yet, that's all I have… A mind that's not all sane… Boy, do I 'not' feel safe… I don't love myself… is that a problem? Is that why?
I don't know, yet I would like to know….
The floor is cold.
Why don't I get up?
For attention when Kai and Reita get home? No, they wont be home for who knows how long… Then what? Can I really not get up? Can I not try?
No.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm just… So tired… Where's my somebody? My something? What can I hold onto? I have nothing… Or maybe… I'm just selfish… Yeah. I need to stop then. I need to stop whining and complaining… Cause I have 'everything.'… All of it. Friends, a boy friend, everything.
So, I must be confused…
Cause I have it all…
Even.
More.
Than……
Ah, well…. How was that? I know, it took forever. And don't worry. Oh BoY k!LL is still going and good. Just needed to, you know. Let it out. And that's where this fic comes in…. hope u comment. It helps me a lot. This one is just a lot of rambling. Sorry, I just kinda wanted to get it over with while keeping my 14 pg or over promise… hope its kk. uhhh, thanks to yuki and her friend. i nkow, u both really want the next chapt of oH BoY k!LL, and honestly... I DO TOO!
but yeah... busy... but, i swear that THAT will be the next fic up here... just dont know when XP
