Oh look, more crack. My hyperactive mind decided to throw alcohol into the mix this time, seeing as I've been roleplaying Cana on Tumblr. This should be interesting... And fucked up. Mostly fucked up. Oh well, please enjoy~


Lucy pushed to doors to the guild open, immediately hit with the strong smell of alcohol and sweat. Ahh, home. She let a smile grace her lips as she walked through the guild. Dodging a flying bottle, she headed towards the seat she normally took at the bar. Just as she was about to sit down, a card landed in front of her with the words, "You owe me" printed across the front. She involuntarily let out a small scream out of shock. Once she had calmed her heart-rate back down to what it was supposed to be, she turned in the direction the card came from.

"Remember who covered your rent for this month after that failed mission~" Cana sang smugly, tipping her barrel of booze back with elegance... If you could call it that.

The celestial mage sighed, shoulders slumping. You see, our dear Lucy is a bit of a lightweight, and surely anything that involved Cana also involved alcohol. "What do you want me to do?"

The brunette slammed the barrel back down onto the table, making Lucy jump a little in surprise. She tapped a finger to her chin, mulling it over. It was almost as if a light bulb had magically appeared above her head, her eyes lighting up as she snapped her fingers. "You, me, drinking contest. Now."

"WHAT?" Lucy shrieked, looking at the card mage in sheer horror.

Macao shook his head in amusement. "Poor, innocent Lucy."

"Not so innocent after a few rounds, I hear." Wakaba joked, elbowing his friend in the side. Macao punched him in the side of the head for being an old pervert, effectively sending him flying.

The blonde slid onto the bench across from Cana, slamming her face into the table. "Why does it have to be a drinking contest?" She moaned, unable to even begin to fathom the headache she would have in the morning.

"I don't know if you've noticed this, Lucy... But I'm a bit of an alcoholic." Cana confessed, twirling a strand of dark brown hair around her finger.

"... Nope, haven't noticed." The celestial mage retorted sarcastically.

So a few barrels down the road, Lucy was completely shit-faced. Well, Cana drank a few barrels anyways. The blonde was swaying a bit on the bench, giggling like a moron. The crowd that had gathered to watch this alleged drinking 'contest', were all shaking their heads at the scene before them. Their guildmate was totally trashed already.

"Lucy, you've only put down one bottle of sake." Cana deadpanned, watching the girl in front of her attempt to stand up.

"And Cana drank at least five barrels." Macao added, tone almost as flat as Cana's. "She doesn't even have a buzz."

"I'll tell... you something!" Lucy slurred, eyes half lidded as she pointed at an empty barrel. "Sake is the shit." She was barely able to finish her sentence before she burst out into another fit of hysterical giggles. "Am I in the Matrix?"

"Being a lightweight is not MAN." Elfman announced, flexing his humongous (probably steroid-induced) biceps. Evergreen smacked him upside the head for being an idiot.

"What are y'all waitin' for? Ain't this a parrrty~?" Lucy exclaimed, attempting to stand up on the table with an enthusiastic shout. Unfortunately, her foot slipped in her drunken stupor and her jaw connected harshly with the edge of the table. She slid down to the floor, completely oblivious to the paled forms of her guildmates around her. "Owww. Oopsies."

"Lu-Chan..." Levy whined, pushing herself to the front of the crowd. "Are you okay?"

"Fuck yeah!" She exclaimed, rolling over onto her back. She threw her hands into the air, ignoring the relieved sighs of her peers. Finally, the crowd began to disperse. They each continued with their normal activities as if Lucy wasn't acting like a bumbling idiot and spouting complete nonsense.

"Look, Cana-chan." Lucy giggled, slamming the empty bottle of sake into the edge of the table. The glass broke, leaving jagged points at the end. The blonde held the bottle up, examining it. An unsettling grin spread across her features. "I could commit homicide with this." She whispered gruffly.

"You're scary when you're drunk." Cana commented, snatching the broken glass from Lucy's hands. She carelessly tossed it backwards, not even bothering to turn around when someone let out a shriek somewhere along the lines of, 'Ahh, what the fuck!'

Natsu stepped inside the guild to see his guildmates seated at their usual tables, though it seemed something was out of place. Ahh, the fact that some drunken girl was sitting with Cana. Curiosity getting the better of him, he walked towards their table, only to find his blonde partner ever-so-gracefully sprawled out across the table. His eyes widened as the scent of alcohol hit his nose. He slowly turned his head to glare at Cana.

"Did you give her booze?" He asked the brunette, frown only deepening when she smirked at him.

"We had a bit of a drinking contest. Turns out she's a major lightweight." The card mage snickered, ignoring the dragon slayer's pointed glare.

"What have you... done?!" He shrieked, his hands going up to pull at his pink locks in exasperation, facial expression changing from serious to panicked in a fraction of a millisecond. "Did you hear about what happened the last time she got drunk?"

"Did she fuck somebody?" Cana asked, leaning forward as if she had just learned about something she could use for blackmail.

Natsu gaped at how blunt she stated that. "No!" He replied hurriedly. "She got really weird! Weirder than normal!"

"... So there was no sex?" The fortune teller honestly looked a little disappointed that she didn't have any good dirt.

"What's this about sex?" Mira chimed in, popping out of nowhere in particular. Her light azure eyes were shining with the fierce need to matchmake. "I hope to see little guild members running around soon!" She added with a giggle.

"Sex?"

"Sex!"

"Oh, so sexual."

"Did you say sex?"

"Let's talk about sex~"

"NOTHING ABOUT SEX!" Natsu screamed, desperately looking for a way out of the crowd of people that had formed around him.

"Oi, Natsu." Gray called, pushing his way through the crowd. Do I really have to tell you that he was missing a shirt? Or pants? Hell, probably his boxers too. "What're you talking about sex for? Pervert."

"What?" The salmon headed boy exclaimed indignantly. "I wasn't even talking about sex!"

"But... sex is MAN." Elfman declared, once again flexing his nearly impossibly large muscles.

"Ever would know." Bixlow snickered, before being sent flying across the guild and into a wall by the hands of Evergreen herself.

"I trust that you are taking precautions." Erza stated dangerously, a threatening aura forming around her as she towered over the dragon slayer.

They all started moving closer to Natsu, bombarding the poor boy with tips and explanations and questions. He was starting to suffocate, quite literally, as they closed in on him. He was about to start punching his way towards an exit.

"Hi guys, what're you all talking about?" Wendy asked sweetly, walking up to the crowd of people with Romeo not too far behind her.

"NOTHING!" Was the collective response as they all hurried to their respective tables... again.

"What was that about?" Romeo asked, sweatdropping. Wendy merely shrugged in response.

Lucy was finally able to pry herself from the top of the table, leaning against it for support. Natsu turned his attention back to the blonde, trying desperately to push that conversation into the deepest depths of his mind and never think of it again. A few of their suggestions were highly disturbing, especially the fact that Gajeel felt the need to inform him about the mating process... As if Igneel didn't teach him that already!

"You should probably take her home, you know." Cana suggested, watching Lucy stretching out the top of her shirt to stare down it.

Natsu nodded, skipping the part where he was supposed to try and get her to walk normally and just throwing the inebriated girl over his shoulder. He made his way across the guild, ignoring the amused looks and cat-calls of his friends.

The card mage watched Natsu walked towards the doors with a smirk. The moment he was about to step outside the guild, Cana screamed, "AND USE PROTECTION!"


I don't even know, guys. I don't even know. There aren't words to express how I feel about this chapter. This is neither positive, nor negative. Anyways, leave me a review and tell me what you think. Any requests for crack will also be taken, but I'm not sure how long it will take me to write it.