In the story "Wrong", there is a flashback in the sixth chapter which shows Kilana keeping the Founder's ashes as a reminder of her failure. Heartbreaking and suitable, and what better way to describe in with such choice of words? Be warned also that her punishment before being cloned again is far more severe than her voluntary self-termination.
Chapter Two
The Scars That Remain
She ordered the firing of the ultritium concussion shells near the ship only to rattle the crew into abandoning the vessel so she could beam down into the empty wreckage with First Dira'tarak and search high and low, but the trick had not worked. The Starfleet crew was that much stubborn; they were trying to protect each other as well as their new prize for their superiors. The reason she would allow them to live was because of the Founder aboard - unless they might have found him themselves before she did...
And now, over ten hours later, she heard the cries of agony from outside the ship with her entire troops, looking at the solemn face of First Dira'tarak knowingly.
The Founder was dead. They all failed as a unit.
She was about to speak to him when one by one, the others around her turned their phaser rifles around so the barrels pointed at their own hearts - and the glowing of blasts sustained their bodies, not once crying out like their dead god had done, but Kilana could have sworn she heard herself scream in horror. She fell to the side, but she did not hit the ground. A pair of strong arms held her and helped her stand to her feet again. Looking up, Dira'tarak was still alive and in front of her. "They're dead because of me," she whispered, "because of Captain Sisko. I should have told him."
The Jem'Hadar nodded but said nothing. She was expecting him to repeat the ritual and take his own life like his men, but he didn't. Was he waiting for the right time because he felt the same grief she did? "You should go in there and retrieve what little of the Founder you must. He needs to be honored that way, being brought back to his people and mourned properly. We failed in our mission, Kilana."
She nodded somberly, barely hearing him despite her acute senses. "That we did, First," she said softly. "Beam me down there."
Soon, she was before Captain Sisko once more, and this time, his Trill science officer, Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax, was with him. "Where are your men?" the captain demanded, locking hostile eyes with her, hating her for all of this trouble.
"Dead," she answered simply. "They killed themselves." Except for her First.
Sisko's face softened, remaining on alert, and understanding exactly why her unit committed suicide in front of her. "Because they allowed a Founder to die."
"You should have trusted me!" Kilana shouted angrily, tearing up inside as she burned while looking at this man who hadn't even bothered to lower those shields of his for the sake of his own men and for hers.
"How could I? The first word out of your mouth was a LIE! This isn't your first mission outside the Dominion, is it?"
She anticipated he'd ask her that, but couldn't he believe the fact she'd told the truth that she never encountered the Federation before? Kilana lowered her eyes to the floor. "I regret saying that, but my offer was genuine. All that mattered to me was the Founder." All she wanted to do was get him away safely.
"Then you should have told me about him."
"You could have killed him, or made him a hostage!"
To her surprise, the breaths he took were shallow as though in shock from the accusation. "No," he gasped out, weapon lowering finally to his side. "All I wanted was the ship."
Now they were even. "And I was willing to let you take it," she pointed out wryly. "And so this is how it ends. All of our men died for nothing."
Behind them, she heard the Trill return and announce that her story was true: the Jem'Hadar died by their own hand. She looked back at Sisko in time to see his face shining even more heavily with sweat that ran down his face like a river of tears. "Muniz, the runabout crew, your soldiers..." he choked, and this was the first time she saw the mighty Captain Sisko crumble. "They all would still be alive if we trusted each other!"
Kilana nodded, looking down at the black hill of ashes that was the Founder. The result of her failure, and this would never be forgotten or forgiven. She would never be favored by the other Founders now once she returned to them. "I have no way of stopping you from having the ship," she said softly, "but all I ask is that you allow me to remove some of the Founder's remains."
His voice was barely audible, but she heard it clearly. "Of course."
What little she could grasp was in a little tube she'd carried with her; once she got what she wanted, she held it close to her heart and said a prayer for his safe passage.
~o~
Clones remembered everything that happened in their previous lives; she counted herself in, but the loss of the Founder was the one that hurt the most - along with what she received in return for her failure. So much blood spilled and a god dying...all of it her fault as well as Benjamin Sisko's. Now she found herself looking down at the little golden tube she kept with her, often held close to her heart, containing the Founder's ashes. But this would never completely be a cherished remnant of one god who treated her like she was special; it would serve as a reminder of her failure.
When she returned, she knelt before the rest of the Founders, notably the leading female herself, whose face was emotionless but her voice blunt and cold as she looked down at the young Vorta female with despise as clear as her words: "One of our own was lost once again, but it was not of your own hand, Kilana. Nevertheless, you failed to save him, and for that, we must take you to face judgment."
And oh, the judgment had been worse than she anticipated, even worse than being executed. Forced to take her clothes off and lie on a metal slab of a table, her hands and feet spread above and below, then tied, the room dark except for the ominous light over her as her naked body was caressed with an eight-inch-long, jagged edged dagger by an unseen tormentor, whilst the familiar voice of the Female Founder intoned from the darkness, obviously taking great pleasure in seeing one of her followers suffer. Kilana had to say she deserved this as much as she wanted to say she didn't.
"You should have been more persuasive, should have been more trustworthy or perhaps stormed in and killed them all, then get one of my people out of that ship so he didn't have to die amongst solids." The tone had been venomous and hateful, yet controlled and calm at the same time. "Kilana, you are a disaster no matter how hard you prove yourself."
She'd whimpered when the knife found its resting place at a sensitive part of her hip. "I'm sorry, Founder. I'm so sorry, I tried -" The blade didn't pierce her skin, but it pricked enough to make her jump and cry out.
"Excuses are not what is tolerated, either. Nonetheless, you are still one of the finest agents I have, which gives me a good reason to allow you to live and prove yourself again. You are, after all, still young and have more to learn. I trust experiencing the Federation presence on Torga IV has taught you that, so you do not fail again in your present incarnation?"
She'd bit her lip, nodding and looking into the light instead, closing her eyes as she recited what all Vorta would to show their undying loyalty. "I live to serve the Founders in all things." Her words were choking that she forced herself to straighten it out, however gasping when the knife searched her again; this torture involved using her most sensitive parts against her. The blade had stroked the juncture of her thighs, then circled the area of her abdomen before moving upwards to both of her breasts. She fought hard not to cry as the gestures were violating, but this was her god's decision. A part of her mind wailed to the heavens and begged why they deserved to be treated like this, but then the oath returned to her mind.
I live to serve the Founders in all things. I live to die for the Founders. It was the Founders who created me.
She had forced herself to repeat the words aloud much to the pleasure of the Female Changeling still hiding wherever she was now. But then came the terrible words that she anticipated. "But we still have to ensure you follow through with your promise. Otherwise, your line will be terminated before your next incarnation is activated."
Kilana closed her eyes at the onslaught of the memory of the pain she remembered the most. The knife had found its way down the middle of her abdomen, cutting deep into skin but not seriously maiming anything underneath. Just enough to scar and remind her of her lessons. Every morning and every night, Kilana would look at herself in the mirror to see that horrid scarification administered at the order of the Female Changeling. Sometimes, she wondered how they could do this to her; other times, she told herself she deserved it. There had been no way she could show this to Weyoun or Eris, even Borath who was like a father to all of them.
She wasn't sure how Weyoun would react if he saw this hideous scar down the middle of her abdomen, as though it were the remainder of a cesarean section. He might as well flinch and not even bother to touch her in a way she'd sometimes wanted him to. He was the rock to support her when she most needed him, more than just a friend - but how could she ever express this to him?
She had known Weyoun ever since her first incarnation. Every first incarnation had to be given to another with more field experience, but it was always intimidating for a new recruit to be accepted by a more experienced Vorta because it took more to impress your new teacher, especially someone like Weyoun who eventually rose to Dominion ambassador to the Cardassian Empire. However, the moment he laid his eyes on the at-first-timid Kilana 1, he had smiled so easily and treated her like an...equal. A first because she had felt intimidated when she first met the Female Founder who spoke for the others. A Vorta should always be confident, so was it just her that she had to pretend to be like everyone else?
"A Vorta pretends with another species; we use what they know to our advantage, so think about any disapproval you earn to do the same. You'll might as well learn to have confidence in yourself - much like I do with you." Those were the words he'd said to her from the beginning, that she'd taken to heart, but it was difficult when it came to the Female Founder herself.
"Give it time, and perhaps by then, she will recognize you," he'd said. How that time never came, and with recent events, it became clear to Kilana that perhaps the Founder would never hold the young female in her good graces.
She found herself staring into the long mirror in her quarters on Terok Nor; she was one of the few Vorta in the Alpha Quadrant ever since the wormhole had been mined, to which Weyoun's patience wore thin over Gul Dukat. The Cardassian leader and new ally of the Dominion had been trying to distract him with promises that he'd take down the minefield set up by the valiant Captain Sisko and his crew. They needed their reinforcements still waiting for them in the wormhole to the Gamma Quadrant, and Weyoun was short-tempered with Dukat and his right hand Damar.
She remembered when she first met the two Cardassians, the way they both looked her over - especially Dukat most of all. Cardassians craved their appetites for taking women into their beds, but did he think she would be delighted in climbing under the covers with him? Vorta weren't permitted to be mated with any other race other than amongst each other, but Gul Dukat could do whatever he wanted...
Kilana sincerely spoke of this quietly to Weyoun once before, to which she had seen the ghost of a twist of the face behind his frozen fury. "He would not dare put his claws on you, my dear," he'd assured her, placing both hands on her shoulders for assurance. The warmth radiating from his skin through hers was comforting. "Not if I have anything to say about it." He left it unsaid that Dukat had spoken somewhat...suggestively of her to his face, to which he had been on the verge of erupting with fury, far beyond the protectiveness the ambassador had for a former trainee of his who turned out to be one of his most cherished colleagues. She remembered hearing so when he spoke quietly with Damar, her ears picking every word up from fifteen to twenty feet away and hiding, and she would not remember them if she wanted to.
But the looks on their faces, especially Dukat's...
"Don't worry about the look, Kilana," Weyoun had said reassuringly, still holding her. She was actually stronger than she was, but with Weyoun, he was the only one to accept this side of her, and Eris and Borath whenever the opportunity came. It was as though they were a blood family, which wasn't seen among clones. "We both have a workload on our plates, but I'll gladly clear mine anytime to make sure he doesn't get anywhere near you. If he wants to keep our alliance intact, he will do well to show some respect."
~o~
"You assured me we would be able to dismantle it within the month, and that was two months ago. Not one, two."
"Well, I admit that work is proceeding more slowly than expected. But as you know, these are not ordinary mines, Weyoun. Every time we deactivate or destroy one of them, its neighbor replicates a new one."
"We have to deactivate it."
"And we will. There's no need for panic. We ARE winning the war."
"For the moment, yes, but to defeat the Federation, we're going to need reinforcements and new supplies of ketracel-white - soon."
"Weyoun, I said that I would deal with the minefield - and I will."
Damn that Dukat and his ego! He was still fuming when he left the Gul's office for his quarters, flanked by his Jem'Hadar. The Federation - including Sisko and his crew - were still in retreat, losing more of their people as well as the Klingons every day, but even victory like that would be short-lived. If the minefield wasn't taken down within another month, then the tides would turn on all of them.
Dukat had yet to meet the Founder herself, and if he ever faced her wrath, let's see that smug smile off his face. Weyoun would savor every minute if it ever came to that.
His blood burned again when he remembered Dukat's intolerable delusion of speaking of Kilana the way he did, and pointed out how the ambassador defended her so valiantly.
"You really are fond of her, aren't you, Weyoun? I won't pretend that you're not."
"What concern is it to you, Dukat? She's my colleague and very near, so therefore, that makes her a suitable ally that you should appreciate."
"Of course I appreciate her; I appreciate everything about her presence here. Sometimes, I think she enjoys looking at me more than the major, how she always smiles at me when Kira doesn't."
"You need to learn some proper respect, Dukat. Kilana is a respectable agent and formidable diplomat who will not be the target of your Cardassian lust. My people might be appeasing to the eye, but we are more reserved than you think. The Founders made us to be so, and it will be honored. Understand, Dukat? You do not want the wrath of the Founder herself if I were to report your remarks..."
The Cardassian animal closed his yap then; Dukat might be a worthy ally, but he was still a beast with insatiable hunger for both kanar and women. Who knew how many children besides Ziyal and the seven others from his marriage he fathered. It sickened Weyoun to no end. Besides, despite biology and reproduction being fascinating subjects, with a Vorta, their only job was to serve the Founders, not raise their own offspring. Kilana took the subject very seriously, if you asked him. She'd been afraid, however, not because of a child getting in the middle of everything, but because she would not do it right. He'd asked her why she even wanted to ponder motherhood when she had more important things to consider, and she'd simply responded that it might be something they could have been given as a gift. A reward. Every other species in the galaxy reproduced, so why couldn't they have been given the ability?
"I'd love to be left alone for now," he said to his Jem'Hadar as he stopped in front of her quarters. He reached and pressed the button to buzz. He waited patiently until the doors opened, and he stepped inside, looking up to see her face gazing at his. "Kilana."
"Hello, Weyoun."
In "Wrong", Dukat and Damar made inapproptiate remarks about Kilana that Weyoun manned up to get them to shut their mouths about the lovely Vorta female. ;) He put them both in their places, although I must warn things MIGHT get ugly between her and Dukat later that Weyoun really snaps back at him.
