I tossed and turned in bed, waiting for my alarm to wake me quickly. It was the same every night. I could never sleep until after practice. Deciding my alarm was taking too damn long to ring, I get up. I didn't bother making the bed, knowing in a few hours I'd be returning to it. I walked into my apartments kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a soda. It was always bad to drink soda before practice, but I was far passed caring.
I hummed to myself after I finished the soda, dancing across the floor towards my closet. I quickly pulled on a black tank top and denim shorts. I walked into the bathroom, flipping the light on and ruffling my light, almost white hair. From what I'd gathered, my hair was so light because of my time in the lifestream. There were still things I learned everyday about myself because of my unnatural birth situation. Still, no one questioned. I think it was because of President Shinra or Rufus-neither of them liked people asking questions about me.
I ran a brush through my thick strands of hair and then pulled them back in a high ponytail. I put some moisturizer on my face, just in case we decided to practice outside tonight. I finished up in the bathroom and pulled on my boots and placed my sword around my waist. My alarm rang just as I finished-meaning I still had thirty minutes before I met up with the others. Sighing, I turned to my journal to write;
Sweet fourteen tomorrow. I guess I should be more excited, but I've learned birthdays really aren't as special as everyone makes them out to be. Or maybe it's the fact that when you're on good terms with the Shinra's, and the literal face of war, people tend to go out of their way for you.
I hated it. Every year, people always told me how brave I was for speaking out against the cruelty of the Wutain. They gave me luxurious gifts, and every year President Shinra threw me a huge party. It made me feel disgusted with myself, having betrayed the people who I'd once associated with. True, they weren't my real family, and it was only ever Elys who took care of me, but it was still a home to me, for a while.
I wonder is Dasyra ever survived the first attack. Maybe she did, but died in later battles. Maybe she's still alive today to hate me. I really hope she does; I deserve it. It' would be completely warranted, her hatred against me. I wouldn't blame her for it.
Occasionally I try to stand up for Wutai, say they weren't that bad, that not all of them treated me badly. It was a lie in the first place, they all treated me reasonably well, but it was all I could do to make up for my lies. If you asked me if I felt bad for coming to Shinra and staying here, I would say I wasn't. At the time, I knew it was my only hope. I relied on Elys, she was the only person I could trust. Even Godo, would have used me if he'd found out about my abilities.
That day, when Sephiroth hadn't pushed the subject about my powers, I'd felt I could completely trust in him. So far, it had been true. He never told a soul, and he even helped me hide it when situations occurred. Still though, he was always distant. He was like that with everyone, but I would have thought after almost four years of companionship, he'd open up a bit. Even to Genesis and Angeal, who he's known for a less amount of time, he talks to more.
I may still have conflicting feelings, with him killing Elys and attacking my home, but still, he was the only person I had. Only one I could truly talk too. I wish he would talk to me more.
I closed my journal and placed it back in my desk. It was time. I walked out of my apartment door, checking both hallways and then hurrying down to the training room. I pushed the door opened, seeing the others were already there. "You're late, Cerise." Genesis tisked, making me roll my eyes.
"I bet I was up long before you were." I scoffed and Angeal raised an eyebrow.
"Did you even sleep?" He teased and I pouted, making the three of them laugh. I stuck my tongue out at them and danced across the arena towards them.
"You know I suffer from insomnia." I retorted.
"Well, you should be getting some sleep. You have your party tomorrow," Genesis pointed out. I made a face. "Oh, don't be like that. A lot of work goes into your birthday parties." he continued.
"I'm the face of war," I said flatly. "I make everyone hate Wutai." I said, the disgust in my voice evident.
"But after what they did to you…" Angeal trailed off and I looked away. Genesis and Angeal knew nothing of the truth. It made Genesis hate the Wutain and Angeal constantly tread lightly over the subject. Sephiroth was the only one who knew the truth, and I'm sure he could see the guilt and shame that crossed my face every time we talked about Wutai.
"Let's practice," He spoke up for the first time since I joined them. I nodded, drawing my sword. Angeal jumped forward, simple plain sword in hand. Our swords clashed and I had to jump back from the pure strength of the hit. "Don't hurt her, Angeal," Sephiroth warned.
"I'm fine!" I insisted, hating to be babied. I hit the ground, rolling to take the brute of the hit and turned, slashing my sword out at Angeal. It was long since decided I was not allowed to spar with Genesis after the time he accidentally slashed open an artery in my leg, and Sephiroth may have been my teacher, but he refused to spar with me. Angeal was strong, that I knew. However, I was quicker-I always have been. The only one who managed to match my speed was Sephiroth, and it was completely unfair because he was also a lot stronger than me. I knew if I were to ever spar with Sephiroth, I'd be lucky to come out with my life. Whether he was holding back or not.
I couldn't beat Angeal either, but at least I could give him a good run for his money. Angeal and I continued our deadly dance, him holding back his strength, and me giving it all I had. "Cerise!" I froze at the sound of Rufus' voice. Angeal stopped his attack as I dropped my sword and turned to the door. Rufus was a year older than me, and though he was an arrogant prick, he'd gained respect for me after I'd punched him for calling me a crybaby spoiled brat. At nine, it had been a bigger insult than it was now. I smiled sheepishly at him, giving a small wave.
"You know how my father feels about your learning to fight." He reminded me coldly.
"Well, what he doesn't know won't hurt him," I responded slyly.
"Cerise," He said sternly and I sighed.
"Alright, fine. No fighting." For now. I moved to pick up my sword.
"No," He interrupted. "General, dispose of it." He ordered and my eyes widened and I turned to Rufus.
"No!" I objected, and he narrowed his eyes on me. "It's mine! And it's my birthday!" I exasperated. He nodded to Sephiroth.
"Get rid of it," He ordered, then he looked to me. "Go back home and get some have a big day starting in the morning." He ordered. I glared at him angrily and then looked back at the others. They didn't speak up. I let out a small shriek of annoyance and then stormed right past Rufus. I swear, I could kill all of them!
All three of them were older than Rufus, but they acted like intimidated children, following his every command. So what if he was the son of the president? I stood up to him all the time and I never got in trouble. I slid my key card into my apartment lock and stepped inside, slamming the door shut behind me.
"Getting angry doesn't help," A voice spoke up, making me jump.
"Cissnei, you scared me." I said, catching my breath. She smiled lightly at me.
"President Shinra and Rufus both do a lot for you. You should show a little more thanks," She berated me but I rolled my eyes.
"Shinra only does so because I'm the face of war. I get him the support from everyone else against Wutai. Rufus only likes me because I actually stand up to him, which for some reason gains his respect." I huffed in annoyance.
"There are other reasons," She said vaguely. I raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Like what?" I asked and she sighed.
"You have a broadcast tomorrow morning at nine. I'll wake you up at Seven-thirty to get ready. Your party starts at Five P.M. but you'll spend two hours getting ready and you'll have a commercial to shoot featuring the SOLDIER's and Infantrymen at noon." I nodded and she walked towards me and smiled smally. "Please behave tomorrow." She murmured, ruffling my hair and then heading out. I sighed, rubbing my tired eyes and then locked my door behind me. I hurried into my bedroom, changed into pajamas, and hopped into bed.
"We have here with us today, the brave and beautiful Cerise Shyr, former Wutain hostage, and face of hope for all." The news anchor announced and the crowd cheered as I walked out. I was dressed in a babydoll pink dress that hugged my top and flowed out at the waist in several shear layers. I wore short, two inch pumps the same color of my dress and an opal pendant, a gift from President Shinra on my last birthday. I wore light and pretty makeup and my hair was curled and pulled up in a loose side bun. I was always dolled up for broadcasts like this. It helped to ensure others believed I was saved from Wutai. The first time I was broadcast, Shinra had a makeup team put bruises and scrapes and injuries all over me. I sat down next to the news anchor. I've been on her show before and though she was all smiles and kindness in front of the camera, she was a total bitch backstage.
"Well, you look beautiful, as always Cerise. I hear today is your birthday." She said with a sickeningly sweet smile. I nodded, smiling back fakely.
"Thank you. Yes, it is my birthday today. Sweet fourteen," I said with a small laugh. She laughed a little as well.
"To think already it's been four years since Shinra saved you from being Wutain hostage. How much has changed from your life since then?" She asked, and I prepared myself to life through my teeth fully.
"I can't think President Shinra enough for his generosity. He gave me a home, safety, a family. I never thought I would've made it out of Wutai alive, until Shinra's brave soldiers stepped in." I said, getting a little teary eyed for affect. The crowd always ate it up.
"Now, it was Sephiroth personally who saved you from your prison in the Wutai capitol, right?" She asked and I nodded. "Do you still talk with Sephiroth now? Surely, something like that would create a bond between two people," She said and I was silent for a few quick moments; how would I handle this one? I had to tread lightly. If I spoke too highly of our relationship, people might believe we were romantic and that could cause a scandal. If I spoke too lowly, he would be seen as callous and cold, which would be a bad image for our war hero. Even if in public he appeared emotionless, people who knew him on a more personal level had to make him seem more warm and open.
"Sephiroth and I are still good friends. He's very busy, working hard in his position as General, but he never fails to converse when we see each other. I honestly can never thank him enough for getting me out of their. He truly is a hero. He saved my life." I answered and she nodded.
The interview continued on smoothly without anymore than small talk and carefully asked questions. It wouldn't be the first time this woman had been scolded for asking difficult questions, and so she was careful in her questionings now. Finally, we had one last question, a question from the audience. It was an idea of Shinra's, to make people believe it wasn't rehearsed. It was a man with dark skin, and he seemed to be missing an arm. He approached the mic, holding back a glare in my direction.
"Ever since Shinra found you four years ago, not another hostage in Wutai has been saved. Why?" He asked. Everything went silent in the room. This man was questioning my honesty. Unfortunately for him, he would have to be a bit craftier than that; I was trained to deal with questions like these.
"Well I don't know for sure, I've never been on the field. I haven't even returned to Wutai after I was rescued. However it's very possible, from knowing the Wutain people, that after I was rescued, they either killed off their other hostages to avoid any other snitches or re-located them somewhere else. That day, after the soldiers broke through the gates, I remember some of our guards walking down with guns in their hands. I was terrified, and then they started dragging the others from their cells, and all I could hear were screams and then gunshots. I was in the last cell, so they didn't get too me till last. They grabbed me, took me out of my cell and outside. It was the first time I'd seen sunlight in years. They put a gun to my head and-" I cut off, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. Crocodile tears fell down my cheeks and when I re-opened my eyes several audience members were tearing up as well.
"Sephiroth and a couple cadets arrived. They killed the men about to kill me and saved me. Many people question the war, it's reasons, even Shinra. Anyone who does though, is wrong. SOLDIER, Shinra, they saved me from a life of captivity and early death. Shinra only ever has the peoples best interests at heart. If you knew him like I do, like a father, you would be sure of this."
I got a standing ovation. I walked off that stage feeling absolutely despicable. The disgust I felt for myself only continued to grow with every lie I told about Wutai. I prayed to Minera as I walked back into my dressing, asking for forgiveness for the terrible sins I committed against the Wutain people every day.
"Let's go get you ready for the commercial," Cissnei said quietly. I nodded. I've always suspected that Cissnei knew the truth about all of my lies. There was just something in her eyes that told me she didn't believe a word I was saying. The commercial went smoothly and soon it was time to get ready for my party. The curls in my hair were quickly re-done and fixed into an elegant half up-do. My makeup was done slightly darker than for the broadcast and commercial.
I ran my hands over the dress I would wear for my party. It was floor length and dazzling silver and turquoise. I had silver strappy heels to match it and diamond earrings. "Ready to put it on?" Cissnei asked from the corner of the room. I nodded. She helped me into the dress and shoes, and I finished putting in the earrings. "Let's go, birthday girl." She said, but I didn't move from the mirror.
"Cissnei?" I murmured, and she looked at me through the mirror. "Are sins...ever forgiven?" I asked.
"I don't know," She answered simply. "I've never tried." I sighed at myself in the mirror and then turned to face her.
"Alright. Let's go." She nodded and we left. I arrived at the party, a giant ballroom crowded with people. Left and right people greeted me, telling me happy birthday. Cissnei lead me to the reserved table in a different section of the room. Several people I knew sat there including; President Shinra, Rufus, Scarlet, Veld, Genesis, and Angeal. Tseng and Sephiroth stood nearby, ever the watchful eyes, and Cissnei joined them. I took my seat between Shinra and Rufus, smiling faintly at the others.
"Happy birthday, Cerise." The group of them said one by one.
"So, fourteen huh?" Scarlet said. I tried not to make a face; though the woman has never been anything but pleasant to me, their was always something about her I just didn't like. Of course, most people were with me. No one ever showed their true colors around me; too afraid of Shinra's wrath. "Any guys pining for you yet?" I grit my teeth and smiled back.
"No, not yet. I still have a couple of years before I need to start worrying about all of that." I responded with a small laugh.
"Oh, but you're such a pretty girl. Though I guess you're right, in a couple of years you'll truly have blossomed into such a beauty." She complimented. Fake, fake, fake! Why did everyone have to be so fake?
"Don't embarrass the girl on her birthday, Scarlet." Shinra berated teasingly, then turned to look at me. "Though she is right. Your beauty now must only be a glimpse of the stunning woman you'll be in the future. Don't you agree, Rufus?" Shinra hinted at. All eyes turned to Rufus.
"No doubt," He answered, watching me carefully.
"Well, I just hope we get to hear your beautiful voice tonight," Scarlet gushed and my eyes widened; what? My eyes snapped to Genesis and Angeal, knowing exactly who had let my hidden talent slip. The two of them smiled sheepishly.
"I wasn't aware you knew of my little hobby," I said lightly, while secretly seething. There was a reason I didn't like people knowing about my singing; I had stage fright!
"Well, it came up in discussion earlier. Genesis and Angeal seem to think very highly of your singing voice. I do hope you'll sing something for us tonight," She said lightly.
"Well, I-"
"Of course she can!" Shinra announced, grinning. "Even I hadn't know little Cerise was a song bird until tonight. She'll have to share this talent with us, if not the entire party." He said. I bit my lip and nodded, hiding my fear with another false smile. Normal, petty smalltalk continued and one by one we were visited by powerful friends of Shinra, each offering me birthday wishes and making small talk before disappearing back into the party. Food arrived and we dined, and then the adults disappeared to a back room to have some wine, leaving me with Rufus, Angeal, Genesis, Cissnei, Tseng, and Sephiroth. The second they were gone, I threw a dinner fork at Angeal and Genesis.
The two of them ducked, Angeal laughing nervously and Genesis smirking. "You know how I feel about singing in front of people, you idiots!" I whispered harshly, hoping no one from the party had seen my rather violent display.
"Oh, come on Cerise, it's not that big of a deal." Genesis said nonchalantly and I glared heatedly at him.
"I will break your kneecaps." I growled.
"Cerise," Rufus warned. "Behave, there are guests." He reminded me testily.
"It's my party-"
"And she can rage if she wants too," Angeal and Genesis chorused, mocking me. I picked up another fork, ready to throw it at them.
"Cerise," Sephiroth spoke up for the first time that night, making me freeze. "Cake is being served." I perked up instantly at that.
"Well as birthday girl, I must go get some cake. Cissnei," I said and she nodded, moving towards me. Cissnei was pretty much my bodyguard, informant, and sort of babysitter. She was two years older than me though, so it wasn't like there was a giant age gap. She was also the only girl I had to talk too. Can you imagine the humiliation if I'd had to run to Shinra when I'd started my cycle? It would have been absolutely mortifying.
"You're not enjoying yourself," She observed. Cissnei was also the only girl friend I had. True, she was also the only girl around me, besides the few occasions I interacted with Scarlet, but I considered us friends well enough. However the two of us had long since had an agreement; she's loyal to Shinra. But she won't go out of her way to give away any of my secrets. I didn't tell her and she didn't ask. It was our silent agreement.
"Not any different from last year," I answered simply.
"There are more gifts this year," She observed.
"More people I don't know." I shot back.
"You should be thankful for what you have," She murmured to me. I stopped walking and turned towards her.
"I have nothing," I whispered harshly. "This, is an illusion. None of this is real. You know that as well as I do." I responded. Her eyes gave her silent agreement and we continued on through the crowd. We finally arrived at the cake and I grabbed a plate for myself and for Cissnei, handing it to her.
"I've never heard you sing before." She stated calmly and we walked back to the table. I shrugged, eating a bite of the chocolate, strawberry cake.
"I've only ever sung in front of Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal and that's only because Genesis threatened to tell Shinra about my late night training sessions if I didn't. It was supposed to be kept a secret until those idiots blabbed." I said, voice tinged with my annoyance.
"Well, Genesis talks highly of your singing voice, Scarlet didn't lie about that. He said quote 'Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess'," She said and I gave a small laugh.
"He would find some way to incorporate Loveless." I commented. We arrived back at the table and I took my seat, motioning for Cissnei, Tseng, and Sephiroth to sit down as well. They were all such stiffs.
"Father asked that you hurry up to the balcony. It's almost time for you to sing." Rufus murmured to me and I sighed and nodded.
"Ten gil says she chokes," Genesis said haughtily and I sent him a menacing glare. Angeal punched his shoulder in warning, sending him falling off of his chair. I smirked and high-fived Angeal. I quickly finished off my cake and then hurried up the steps to the balcony overlooking the ballroom, where Shinra, Veld, and Lazard were waiting.
"Four years ago, the war with Wutai began. Upon siege on their capital, we discovered a horrific secret; the Wutain were keeping hostages, children and adults alike. Our people, From Midgar to Junon to even the more remote locations. The only survivor, was Cerise Shyr, the bravest nine year old I had ever met. On this day, she turns fourteen, and has experienced over four years of freedom and safety. She is a hero to everyone, sharing her story and experiences with all of us and aiding in ending the cruelty of Wutai. Though tonight we celebrate her, she is here to give us a gift; the song of a brave victim of war!" He called and the crowd cheered. I had to refrain myself from rolling my eyes; Shinra always did have a flair for the dramatics.
I hurried over to his side, and he gave me a side hug, and then left me up there alone, mic in hand. I gulped, watching as all eyes stared me down from below. Minerva, help me. This could not be happening. I wanted to open my mouth and sing, but I couldn't force my voice out. I searched the crowd desperately for a familiar face, my eyes landing on Sephiroth watching from the table with everyone else. He nodded at me-his form of a reassurance-and I nodded back my thanks.
I took a deep, steadying breath and began to sing. It was terrifying, to say the least. The first few verses my voice shook horribly, but gradually my voice regained its strength and I was able to successfully get through the entire song without choking or fainting-or both. The crowd of strangers erupted in cheers and I smiled and gave a small curtsey-and then hurried off of the balcony. Though the others probably to congratulate me on not puking everywhere, I needed to get away from the craziness for a while. I hurried through the back doors and out into the pavilion. I leaned against the back wall and took a deep breath. My hands were shaking still from the performance.
"You did well," A familiar voice spoke beside me, making me jump. I squeaked and turned to face Sephiroth, holding a hand over my racing heart.
"You scared me," I complained once I regained my composure. He smiled faintly.
"Sorry," He rumbled and I nodded.
"It's alright, I was already on edge." I admitted.
"Are you alright?" He asked after several long moments of silence. I leaned my head back against the wall, really allowing myself to think about it. Over the years, my guilt had just grown stronger, and these birthday parties only made it worse. Combining my guilt with my utter terror of having to sing in front of thousands of people, I was really starting to get a headache.
"I've been better," I admitted truthfully. "It's just been a long birthday, like every year." I said with a sigh.
"When's the last time you had any mako?" He asked and I eyed him.
"Yesterday morning," I admitted and he tossed me a water bottle full of lifestream. I opened it and chugged half of the bottle, my thirst flaring up.
"I wish it were easier to get you mako," He murmured and I nodded.
"Well if Cissnei found it in my fridge, she'd be forced to tell the president. I have no idea what I'd say then. And it's not exactly easy sneaking any of that diluted stuff from the labs up either. I have to make do." I answered simply. Ever since coming to Midgar, and staying HQ, it'd never exactly been easy getting lifestream to drink. I needed it like everyone else needed water, unfortunately it wasn't as easy to get. Therefore, I was almost always dehydrated.
"I have a mission next week to Wutai, I'll be able to gather more mako from the pond." He promised. I sighed and turned to face him.
"I can't wait a week, i'll die of dehydration. I need at least a couple more bottles to tide me over till then." I said.
"Angeal and Genesis both leave tomorrow to Wutai-"
"You know I can't tell them," I said seriously. He held my gaze.
"There is nothing else I can do, Cerise." He said calmly. My temper flared and I clenched my fists.
"You promised to protect me!" I hissed.
"And I have been," He reminded me calmly, always the level-headed one.
"No! All you do is get me mako and keep my secret, and you can't even get me enough mako to keep me healthy." I retorted.
"I've trained you to protect yourself," He responded, eyes narrowed.
"That's not the same! You're my protector, even if I can put up a good fight, it's not the same." I snapped back.
"What do you want from me, Cerise?" He asked, tone becoming harsher.
"I want you to talk to me!" I yelled before I could stop myself. He regarded me carefully, silently, knowing now he was walking on glass. I rubbed my temples, and sighed. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not being fair to you. It's just, you avoid talking to me. Most time you won't look me in the eye. I've known you longer Genesis and Angeal yet you still talk to them easier than you do me. Why? What did I do to make you hate me?" I asked.
"I don't hate you," He responded lowly.
"Then what?" I asked desperately.
"You're the one who should hate me," He said coldly, freezing me in my tracks. "I see how miserable you are here and it's my fault. I killed the only family you had, destroyed the only home you had ever known. They call me a war hero but I do not feel like one. I have wronged you," He stated calmly. It was then I put myself in Sephiroth's shoes for the first time.
My first year here, I'd held a terrible grudge against him. Who wouldn't? It's like he said, he did take my home and family. But, I've never been one to hold a grudge. Especially after all of the terrible things I'd done. I understood what it meant to be in a position where you felt hopeless, without a single way out. To compromise your own morals and values and hate yourself for it. To feel like you've betrayed not only others, but yourself too. When I'd fully learned that feeling, I'd stopped holding a grudge against Sephiroth.
"You are not the only person to have wronged someone in this world, Sephiroth." I said calmly. "I've wronged all of Wutai with my lies. I forgave you three years ago when I learned how it felt to betray people and hate yourself for it. Maybe it's time you forgive yourself," I said and took his hand in mine own. "All I know is, you're the only person I can talk to about any of this. You're not just my protector, you're the only true friend I have, the only person I can confide in. I don't want you to look at me like i'm the embodiment of all of your sins anymore. Please," I whispered. He met my pleading eyes and nodded.
"Alright." He said softly, moving closer and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I dropped his hand and wrapped my arms around his torso, pulling him into a hug. He was much taller than me, but I didn't care at the moment. I needed to feel safe and warm for once.
"Cerise?" Cissnei called and I moved back from Sephiroth just as she turned the corner into view. She approached, giving Sephiroth a quick suspicious scan before turning to me. "Everyone is waiting for you. There's also a man inside waiting to speak to you. Something about a play." She said and I nodded, moving past Sephiroth, but then stopped and looked back at him.
"Thank you, Sephiroth." I said lightly and then followed Cissnei back inside.
"What was that about?" She asked curiously.
"He came to compliment my voice. We talked for a bit." I said nonchalantly. We reinstated the silent 'I don't tell, you don't ask rule' as we walked back to the table.
"There's the birthday girl" the president said jovially and motioned towards a tall, slender man standing next to him. "This is Markus, a producer for a local theater." He introduced. I smiled, moving forward to shake his hand.
"It's nice to meet you, I'm Cerise." I said, despite knowing he already knew my name. He grinned and nodded.
"Pleasure is all mine, Miss Cerise. I wanted to talk to you about playing a very important role in our up and coming play at the theater house next year." He said and I cocked my head to the side.
"What role?" I asked curiously.
"Well the company is putting on LOVELESS, and we've yet to find a beautiful girl with the voice of an angel to play the goddess-until you. You're a little younger than we originally wanted, but your voice is so superb. Please say you'll join us." He said.
"Her answer is yes!" Genesis spoke before I could. His eyes were lit up like a childs on christmas morning and I knew just from that look, I wouldn't be able to turn it down.
"Sorry," I apologized, scowling at Genesis. "He loves that poem. I'd be happy to perform in your play." I said and the man beamed.
"Great! Our first production meeting is in two weeks. Hopefully by then you'll get to meet all of your cast mates and the rest of the team. I look forward to seeing you,"
"You too."
