A/n: I have contacted Jen – Jamesroxmysox - and she has given her okay with the story. She likes it.
I think that the more humorous stories we can get written the better, with all the bad things happening in the world.
Now that I have added my serious input, let's continue!
My piece of advice for this chapter is:
DRINK RED CORDIAL AS IT IS THE BEST DRINK EVER! WHEN YOU'RE ON A SUGAR HIGH, NOTHING REALLY MATTER'S EXCEPT THE LAUGHTER!
Chapter 3: Impending Doom
The Lake – Two Days Until I Leave
I HATE MY BROTHER'S.
They're so annoying. I should write a letter to mother telling her that they need to get formal wear for Petunia's wedding… I think she mentioned it once… or twice or possibly 50 times.
Possibly.
They know just how much I hate to go shopping with my mother. Well they keep reminding me of the impending doom that I am about to face. I mean, do they not care that they soon will be short a sibling? Is it so much to ask for a little bit of sibling love?
Apparently.
That, or they just take pleasure in torturing me. Stupid brothers making me think homicidal thoughts. Gr!
On the other hand, I think that I am fitting in quite well… well I really love it here! It's amazing! Everyone is so nice, and they have a wider attention span than 10 seconds before it is taken by make up or the latest magazine.
James and I have agreed that we shouldn't start my tutoring until next week, as I still need time to settle in and learn my way around. Really, I am just lazy!
I have contacted my little tutoree as well. She sounds so cute! A little third year with the name Gabrielle O'Pare. I bet that she is a gorgeous little timid thing. She sent a letter back agreeing that it would be best if we started next week as well. I'm actually kind of excited!
I like my brother's friends. They're amazing and are calling me they're little sister already. I don't mind at all… except I think that it might be a jibe at my shortness.
OK people, lets leave the short people alone. I know it, you know, everyone knows it! You don't need to keep reminding me every 10 seconds.
ISHK!
Which is exactly what my brothers are doing. Reminding me of my impending doom.
Shopping with mother.
I cannot think of anything worse than that. Wait scratch that. Yes I can. Shopping with mother and Petunia.
Shudder.
That's bad.
That's very bad.
I don't even know why we're looking at dresses now. The actual wedding isn't until the summer holidays. That's nine and a half months away if you hadn't noticed.
ISHK!
Talk about obsessed.
I'm kind of a bit nervous about intruding on Rose and Sara though. I keep giving them time to themselves. That's what I'm doing right now. I don't want to intrude and ruin their or our new friendship. I must talk to them about it sometime.
Or not.
I do NOT under any circumstances do well under confrontation. I like to avoid it at all costs. No, confrontation is NOT part of life that you have to live with when you can avoid it.
It's like detention.
If you can talk your way out of detention and in fact do not have to do it, then all the better to you. You don't have to waste your time. I take my hat off to those who can do that.
I am sadly not one of them.
If I'm late to class then I can just say that I was at the hospital wing. The teacher's tend to believe that, mainly because it's true.
What a sad life I lead… having the record for the most amount of hospital visits and not be counted as a hypochondriac. I am so proud!
I have to go now. I'm supposed to be having my first quidditch lesson from James, Sirius, Charles, Henry and Daniel even though Daniel isn't on the team.
As this may very well be the last entry that I ever write, I would like to wish you the best of luck in your career as a…
Diary.
And what a wonderful diary you are too.
Anyways, I am now walking off to my death. Have a good day.
Common Room – 9:00 After Quidditch Practice
Oh
My
Sweet
Merlin
Men are insane.
There is no other word for it.
Ok so I didn't die, but I feel like I was killed by raging bludger's who grew hands so that they could wield guns and shoot me. Then feed me to the sharks. Then wave their scary little magic wands and poof I am alive again and living through the pain of dying.
And it hurts.
Quidditch is a wonderful game, and I would love to attend a real game but seriously? Is the training – and killing yourself and others – really worth it?
I am putting it down to male testosterone. What else could it be?
Insanity.
Here's what happened.
I was late because I was writing in this diary. Well when they told me that I was going to put in another hour to make up for it they weren't kidding. Honestly, I was only 5 minutes late. Seriously!
Insane.
I arrived at 4pm and was expecting my lesson to last for no longer than an hour. But nooooo! I hate knowing physco boys. Maybe I should just not learn how to play… this was looking like a good option. A very VERY good option. But no.
They forced me into red quidditch robes saying that they're the ones the first years use. I couldn't tell if they were joking or not.
"Ok. There's 3 chasers who score with 1 quaffle through the goal hoops. 1 keeper to defend the goal hoops. 2 beaters to hits a bludger at the opposing team and 1 seeker to catch the golden snitch," James said.
He said it in about the space of 2 seconds, so I was standing there deciphering his words, wondering what a quaffle and snitch was. Due to the twins being beaters I knew all about their position.
I feel so proud.
He threw a ball at me. My reflexes caught it.
Barely.
I would like to take the time to point out that I still wasn't sure about what the heck he was talking about. Insane I tell you.
Apparently he had ordered me onto my broom because the next thing he said was, "If you don't get your cute little butt onto that broom in the next 10 seconds I am going to take your broomstick – which is rather quite nice – and knock you out, then feed you to hippogriffs who will eat you then regeratate your pretty red hair. Then I will lock you in a chest and drown you. Got it?"
Geez! Talk about agro! He was talking for longer than 10 seconds to me, so technically my cute butt and pretty hair's fate is sealed.
WAIT A MOMENT
Cute butt?
Pretty hair?
Did he just compliment me at the same time as give me a death threat? Maybe men can multi-task…
BAHAHAHAHAAA!
That's ludicrous!
Maybe he actually thinks that…
OMG! What if it'll lead to awkward silence?
I haven't been alone with James Potter since our little… moment as Sara and Rose like to call it.
Pish posh! Moment my cute butt! I was merely observing his beautiful eyes.
"They make him look very sexy don't they?"
yes, yes they do.
WAIT!
WHAT?
Danm conscience. I would rub this out, but I don't have my wand with me at the moment… I'm not actually sure where it is… that's a good question.
Anyways, I did indeed jump on my nice broom – it should be nice, it cost enough – and for the first hour, I did what they like to call drills. Flying skills with no balls. Well for me anyway. For the men… well that's another case wink.
Naughty Lily. Stop thinking about James Potter.
NOTE to self: stop thinking about James potter as it is turning you into one of his fan club groupies. shudder I don't think that I could sink as low as that. But you never know.
After an hour, James demonstrated to me the chaser's job. He was showing me for the fifth time when I got bored.
Who wants to watch some prat throw a ball through a hoop? I want action!
So I took it!
I flew over to him and easily stole the ball from his hands, and scoring with no problems. All five of them looked shocked.
"What?"
They looked cautiously at each other then at me.
Daniel shrugged, and a sly smile made its way to his face.
"How come someone so clumsy on the ground, is so good in the sky?"
I dropped my jaw in dignity… If I have any left. "Why you little-" I flew over to him and we started to fight, 45 feet about the ground. Yes, very safe indeed.
"Okay, break it up."
James. Always the responsible one…
BAHAHAHAAA!
In what world is he responsible? Definitely not this one.
"Okay, let's bring in the beaters," he nodded to the twins, "And our keeper," he nodded to Sirius, "Dan and me'll play chaser with you Lillers."
Everyone flew off into position and the game started.
I never want to do that again. Not that it wasn't fun, but now I cannot move a single muscle in my body. They said that I have natural talent.
I laughed at them.
After four hours, and skipping dinner, I was finally released from the devils grip and allowed to go back to my room. I trudged up the stairs with Sirius and Dan. Them poking fun at me, and me ignoring them.
Prats.
Repeat after me, my pain is NOT funny.
I went up to my room and took a shower with the water on full heat, hoping to release some of my muscles.
After, I dragged my poor insomniac body down to the common room which is where I am now, writing this.
It's strange. Its only 9:16 and the common room is deserted… maybe everyone went in for an early night. Not that I'm complaining… peace and quiet for me.
YAY! SILENCE.
Except the fire is roaring.
WAIT!
The fire is roaring.
I looked at it, and sure enough a lions head was in it. And it was roaring. Oh well, at least I'm not going mental… everyone else is!
"Like it?"
I turned around so fast, that I lost my footing. Hey, even if I turned around slowly I still would have most likely lost my footing. Strong and nicely muscled arms caught me.
So now, I am sitting on James Potter's lap, having a heart attack while he laughs at me.
My pain is NOT funny. Why can no one see that?
ISHK!
Looking at the fire, I realise that the lion is gone. Oh well, it was disturbing the silence.
I oh so gracefully rolled off James Potter's lap – which I think you ought to know is very VERY comfortable – and onto the sofa, where I let out a feral animal groan. Any normal person would have run away, and run fast. But not James Potter as he is a freak.
"What's up?"
well lets see. I have just been chased by baboons for FOUR hours, during which time, said baboons attacked me with balls of varying types. The baboons made me miss dinner and now I am hungry and in need of painkiller. Oh did I mention, I stacked it and added MORE pain to my poor injury ridden body? Did I? Did I? Did I?
No.
All I said was, "Pain, Hungry."
Talking is way way way too much effort at the moment.
The stairs creaked and Sirius came into view.
Oh great. Two of the said baboons. I wonder if anyone will be able to hear it if I scream…
"Liller's"
NOTE to self: Kill Stupid brother's and ex-best friend as the nick name Lillers has now stuck to everyone that I come in contact with. Maybe I should get a nice big bubble and live in that for the rest of my life.
Then I wouldn't have to play quidditch with huge, hairy, smelly monkeys!
Sirius – that stupid man-thing – promptly tackled me, causing me to release yet another groan.
WHY IS HE LAUGHING AT ME?
This isn't fair.
I don't have huge man muscles like them. I would like them to remember that I have been living with a bunch of sissies for the last FIVE years, and in that time, I have never seen them so much as speak of sport let alone play it. The point of my story is, that my muscles are non-existent.
"I brought the cloak and the map," Sirius said.
I perked up slightly. Things sounded like an adventure.
Congratulations to me. I have now hit an all-time high in unbelievableness. I am able to look like the living dead while still being perky!
Take that Mademoiselle de Clare. Show's you who can and cant be perky and enthusiastic. What weirdo would dedicate her life to etiquette anyway? Besides – this is what I told her – enthusiasm means that your positive, and positiveness just doesn't work for me. Like this one time I decided to actually obey my mother and clean the picture frames in the hallways. I was on the second level, and I slipped on some water and fell over the railing. Luckily my magic stopped my fall or I would be a goner for sure. It was kinda fun.
Maybe I should do it again…
Anyway, James has been talking to me for quite a while, saying something about an invisibility cloak and a map. Ooh! I think he just mentioned kitchens. I like the sound of that. Food. YAY! He did just mention the kitchens!
Onward Christian Soldiers!
Danm priest, teaching me church songs. How come they always have catchy tunes and get stuck in your head? Has anyone noticed this?
Too bad.
Anyway, we're finally leaving to get food! Yay!
I'll see you later.
History of Magic – 6 & ½ hours until doom
So we ended up going to the kitchens where I was able to get some pain killer… thank god.
Anyway, I have just come from Dumbledore's office. And let me say this, he is one AWSOME bloke!
He told me that there would be a carriage to take me to The Three Broomsticks and Hogsmeade and that I would floo to the Leaky Cauldron in London, where my daddy would pick me up. But that's not why he's awesome.
I have tried conjuring coffee before, but all it tastes like is this muddy junk stuff.
Shudder.
No one, I repeat no one deserves to drink that stuff. I cannot believe that my conjuring skills are so bad… I think that I might have been because I didn't know what kind of coffee I wanted, but that's beside the point.
I asked Dumbledore if the house elves would mind serving coffee at breakfast, and he said that he didn't think so – that they would mind – but he would check.
As long as Sirius doesn't get any, I'm happy.
Now I have a chance of functioning in the mornings! Sara and Rose will be so happy to hear!
Anyway, I have plotted my revenge on Charlie and Teddy (Henry).
I usually call Henry Teddy because it was easier for me to say when I was a child. Teddy is short for Edward.
Back to my sweet sweet revenge on Charlie and Tedward! Well its not really sweet because it's evil!
I have found a charm to make their clothes invisible to everyone except them. Not their boxer shorts though. I have different plans for them.
MWAHAHAAA!
Evilness!
Excuse me while I bath in my evilness!
I plan on casting the spells tonight, as they will take effect in the morning, when I am not there. Serves them right quite frankly.
I do NOT need constant reminders that I'm going to face doom.
Oh
My
Sweet
Merlin!
Could Professor Binns be anymore boring? I usually like history… sorta. But this, this is just cruel torture… kinda like my wonderful conjured coffee.
Hey, I think he asked me something hold on.
Back.
I cannot believe that. He asked me where his chalk was. As if I'm going to know, I'm the new kid aren't I? I however used my wonderful skills of observation to detect that it was on his desk. You want to know what he did?
HE STARED BLANKLY AT ME!
I mean seriously! Does the man not know what a desk is? I took the liberty of pointing it out to him. I don't think he liked it very much, as now he is scowling at me.
Oh well.
Have a cry.
Now back to Charlie and Tedward's boxers. I have every intention of turning them bright pink, with words that will profess their undying love to Daniel.
THAT'S A BRILLANT IDEA!
I could make them love Daniel for 5 minutes every hour! That way I get him as well!
Insert victory dance here.
That'll show 'em! GREAT things come in small packages!
At last the bell rang.
Ciao talk to you later.
Great Hall – Lunch Time 4 & ½ hours 'til doom
I
AM
IN
A
PROGRESSIVELY
BAD
MOOD
AS
THE
DAY
GOES
ON.
GRRRR.
The only thing that is keeping me sane is my prank on the twins and seeing my dad. He is the coolest dad in the world, and strongly disagrees with my mother and most of her social climbing antics.
Note the word MOST.
The reason is that he, yes I am ashamed to admit, actually likes some of the privileges that being up high in the social ladder brings.
I guess favours can come in handy when you're a lawyer.
That's probably the one thing that we disagree on.
I'm sitting picking at my lunch, as I am currently not hungry. Who would be if they knew two days of torture awaited?
Besides, I have double potions this afternoon, and Professor Slughorn continues to try to suck up to me. I keep being a brat back to him. Don't look at me like that; I'll stop when he does. All I want is to be just another student.
I HATE being the centre of attention remember?
The Slytherin's and Sara and Rose make it even worse.
You see, there is this one boy and he acts like the Prince of Slytherin… he looks rather like a Prince as well…
Anyway, him and his friends keep pointing and whispering about me. Sara and Rose are convinced he likes me, but the Marauders and me find that extremely hilarious.
I have discovered another of the Marauder's secrets.
Remus Lupin is a…
EXTREMELY GOOD STUDY PARTNER!
He is very very, very, smart and dedicated to his work. He enjoys the silence when he works just like I do, but I hate to study alone so we are now official…
STUDY BUDDIES!
Reading this it sounds way, way more cheerful than what I feel, so I am going to go now. That and the fact that the bell just rang.
Common Room – 20 minutes until I leave. Doom awaits me.
I want to go up to the Astronomy Tower and throw myself off of it.
You see, that's how much I hate shopping with Mother and Petunia. Don't get me wrong; I love shopping with my friends, its just that most of them don't like to go shopping.
I have been brought up around girls who are posh – just like the ones at Beauxbatons, so I don't really have many girl friends. I do however have a large supply of male friends as they, and I quotes, "Find me super awesome and interesting."
Whatever that means.
Is interesting a compliment or an insult? I'm not sure. Yes, right now I am wasting time.
Oh
My
Sweet
Merlin
I just remembered. I have go and put those charms on the twin's clothes and tell you about potions.
I am using the small, itsy-bitsy amount of common sense and advance planning to decide that I'll do the twins now so I don't run out of time.
Ciao!
Hogwarts Carriage – On They Way To Hogsmeade
My prank of Charlie and Henry went well. I'm pretty sure I got all the spells right! And what's more, I did it without stacking it once.
I am so proud!
Now, onto the Slytherins.
I think that I might have gotten them off my back at last! Well, that's what I thought until Sara told me what they were saying after.
I had finished my potion and the fat slug, being the slug that he is, was saying how well I had done it, etc. etc. I wasn't listening. Never do really.
Anyway, I got really mad at him and cough asked cough him to stop doing that.
You want to know what he said?
He chuckled. "But dear, we all need a little ego boost once in a while."
That made me mad. I do NOT need an ego boost. Who does he want to turn me into? My mother? Sirius? James? Yes all three had excess amounts of ego. Remus doesn't though. He's so nice.
Those stupid Slytherin's sniggered at me. I turned on them.
"I would rather be modest than you."
It's not necessarily a good insult, but in my immediate defence I WAS seeing red spots. Gr. Annoying teacher and annoying classmates.
I HATE potions.
I stormed out of the room. I was perfectly 100 content in thinking I wouldn't have to deal with either party again, until my 'friends' found me half an hour later.
"Liller's, that was AWSOME!"
That was Rose. She has way too much energy.
"At least I wont have to deal with them again."
Sara didn't look so sure. What's not to be sure about? I got mad at them, and stormed out of that professor's class.
"Lillers when you left, the Slug chuckled again, and said something about admiring you because you can handle yourself."
I growled. I don't get called Tigerlily for nothing.
Rose then swore that she saw the Slytherin's – especially their Prince (aka Malfoy) – agreeing with him.
So now I am in an even worse mood than what I would ordinarily have to be in.
Oh
Great
Scott
The carriage just stopped.
Well I'm off to die now.
I hope that someone one day will read this - hopefully in many years when the Twins have forgiven me as it would be rather incriminating as my plan of their downfall is in here - and find out how torturous my mother really is.
Well, I'll keep writing if I survive.
Ciao.
A/N: well there we go. I'm hoping that people are beginning to be able to see the difference in my story and Jamesroxmysox's story, Absolute Shocker.
Trust me it's different.
Please drop a review, even if it's one word long.
THANK YOU FOR JUST READING IT!
