River screamed in pain.
It was like the other times, just like before. She didn't know how, but she was shoved out. Well, not out, so much, she reasoned, but...Jailed. Contained. Held captive in her own mind. Able only to watch, an observer of herself and...the Other. Or Others. She wasn't sure. It was disconcerting, not knowing who else was in your mind. She couldn't hear them, and didn't know if they could hear her. Not like the blue tracking men. They always let her know when they were here. They enjoyed the fear they inspired.
River bit her lip. At least it was better now. She could think. At the beginning, the only awareness she had was pain. It had taken her a year even to remember that she was River when she was thrust aside, like this. To be able to remember the sessions, in her nightmares, later. She never knew what was real any more. What would they have her do this time?
The answer came swiftly. Her body cut someone's throat and stepped aside quickly as he collapsed.
"Stage one complete." Her voice echoed around her though she hadn't spoken. She heard steps and felt her blade encounter neck muscles as she swung. More blood. "There's more than one guard. Our information is incomplete. Do I proceed?"
Something twitched in River's mind. She remembered this mission. She'd assassinated a high-level official. She was dreaming! She could wake up! She heard something shift behind her and suddenly she was in control of herself again, the memory shattered. She spun in the corridor to see them. Two of them. She screamed, unable to help herself, and started running. There was no point in fighting, she knew.
Inara heard the first scream and leaped up from the table, Simon right beside her as she ran, headlong, for River's quarters, compelled by the screams that followed to run faster.
They found her tangled in the blankets, writhing in an attempt to escape. River's fingernails dug deep into her palms, and Inara could see blood beginning to well there. "River" she called, trying to keep her voice steady. "River, wake up."
Simon stroked his sister's sweaty forehead gently. "This is a bad one." He whispered, intending for only Inara to hear. He turned to the concerned group at the door. "It's just a nightmare. She'll wake up soon. Just...go finish dinner." He turned back, not noticing that none of them moved so much as an inch.
River moaned, tears streaming down her face, but didn't wake.
Inara snuck a look at Simon, not encouraged by the grim look on his face. "She usually wakes up once she starts screaming." He murmured. "Has it been like this before?"
The Companion shook her head. "No. Never." River shrieked again, pure fear evident in her tone, and Inara clenched her eyes shut, calling out with her mind instead of her voice, hoping, somehow, that her thoughts would be easier for the sleeping girl to hear.
"River!" River paused in her blind escape as the voice echoed around her. She remembered that voice. "River, please come back." Inara. The memory of her time on Serenity descended on her in a thundering crash. "Darling, please wake up." Inara sounded like she was crying. River stood still, torn between wanting to run and hoping that if she stopped, she could escape.
"River's here." She murmured. "I'm here." She corrected.
She woke up on the bed to Simon checking her vitals while trying, futilely, to comfort Inara. Everything hurt.
"They're coming." She whispered. "They're coming for me."
"Shhh, it was a nightmare." Simon told her quietly. He had never understood.
"No, they're coming for me!" she insisted, pushing herself upright.
"Who's coming?" Mal asked from the door. River thanked him silently for believing what she was. Her brain burned, and everything seemed too bright.
"The men in blue." She murmured. "We need to go. We need to go, now."
"Ok." Mal turned and headed for the bridge.
River put a hand to her reeling head and Simon forced her back down.
Inara kissed one of her bloody hands, her tears burning as they hit the half-moons River's nails had made. "I heard you." River whispered to her.
"Thank God." Inara smiled.
"Thank you." River smiled back before darkness descended over her.
" 'Nara?"
"Nǐ xià sǐ wǒ le (You scared me)!" Inara kissed her gently. River looked around, realising they were back in the shuttle.
"Sorry." River whispered. "I heard you calling and I remembered. How'd you do it?"
"I thought to you." Inara's thoughts demanded an explanation, though her lips said nothing.
"They were hunting me." River reached up to touch Inara's face, noticing the light gauze wrapped around her hands.
"The men in blue?" Inara asked. River nodded, shuddering. Inara lay down and pulled River to her. "We're heading for the border planets. Mal listened to you."
River nodded. "I know. I thought it had stopped." She murmured. "After Miranda." The little voice inside her told her she was wrong. She knew all along they would come for her again. There were other things inside her mind besides her knowledge of Miranda that the Alliance wanted. She sighed. "They never stop." She turned to face Inara, fear in her eyes. "They'll take me back again."
"We'll stay one step ahead. We always have." The Companion told her softly, stroking her hair.
"Almost always" River corrected. "Too many close calls." She swallowed. "And they're hunting me again. I couldn't remember..."
"What couldn't you remember?"
"I got pushed out." River rubbed her eyes, tired. "An old mission. Most people can't remember. I learned how to get past the pain, to remember I was River. To remember my sessions in my nightmares. But they break in, the men in blue. They come for me. They came tonight and there was nothing but fear until you called. Then I remembered."
"P-pushed out?" Inara stuttered. River had never talked to her about anything like this before.
"It's not just me in here." River smiled ironically. "Most subjects don't know that. You just wake up in pain and wonder what they did to you while you were sleeping."
"Oh, God." Inara's emotions swept over River like a wave. She closed her eyes. Compassion, love, fear, acceptance. No pity. That pleased her.
"I think that's all I'll tell you tonight." River said sagely, then yawned. "I have to sleep." She kissed the Companion gently. "Call me if anything goes wrong. In either place."
"I'll be right here with you." Inara promised. "Lie down and rest now."
River complied without argument, enjoying the sensation as Inara stroked her hair.
Eventually, she drifted back to sleep.
She woke to find Inara asleep with the lights still on. Evidently she'd tried to stay awake as long as possible but eventually succumbed to her tiredness. River wondered how long she'd been out. She crept quietly out of the Companion's arms, pausing to examine her. She loved Inara's innate tranquility and balance. It was what had drawn her to the Companion initially. The sense of order and trust that the world operated as it should. Smiling, she turned and left the shuttle, heading for the bridge.
Only Mal was there. "Hey, Mal."
He turned. "You're up." River went and sat in the other seat. "You gave us quite a scare, you know."
"Scared me, too. But I'm alright, now." She answered. "Where are we off to?"
"Not sure yet" Mal admitted. "I just wanted to get away as soon as possible."
"Thank you." River reached out and squeezed his hand.
"I know you see true." Mal said gruffly. She removed her hand, knowing her show of affection had made him awkward.
"We wouldn't have made it, if Inara hadn't woken me." River commented.
"Well, she did." Mal informed her. "It's past. Now we need a job. To keep moving."
"Keep moving, keep them out of my head." River sighed. "I'll talk to Simon..."
"He doesn't understand."
Mal's harsh tone surprised River. "No" She agreed. "He doesn't believe it's possible, what they've done to me, despite what he saw with his own eyes in that facility. But he's an amazing doctor. Knows his meds. Could be if I explain properly..."
"He won't be able to, River. Your brain was already different when you went into that place. That's why they took you. How's Simon going to stop them getting into your head?"
River wished she didn't know he was right. She sighed again. "Well, I should go talk to him anyway. He's afraid."
"Come back when you're done. I'd like your input on options. I'll get Zoë up here too."
"Alright." River made her way down to Simon's quarters. He was deep in thought about some neurological text, and Kaylee was nowhere in sight. "Simon?"
His head popped up, relief evident on his face. "Mèi mèi. How are you?"
"Better." She sat down beside him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "It was like when we first got here. When they were trying to get me to come back. I couldn't wake up."
"They're just dreams." Simon said quietly.
River raised her head to look him in the eye. "You know they're not. Why else are you so afraid?"
"You were doing so well. Inara has been so good for you. I thought you were getting better. I thought you were healing." He sighed. "You've seemed so much more like I remember."
"I'm never going back to who I was, Simon." River said quietly. "You've seen my brain. Being on Serenity, getting to stay River...But they've fundamentally altered who I am. You can't fix it. They'll always want me back. But if you can accept that, keep learning about my brain, you could maybe help keep me away from them." She could hear him thinking. Torn between the idea that she was lost in a nightmare generated by paranoid schizophrenia, and the fact that he knew the government was after her. She smiled a little. "It isn't paranoid schizophrenia. Remember that it was them that did this to me that told you that. I need to get back to the bridge." She left Simon looking lost and confused on the bed.
"Hey, Kaylee." River said as she entered Inara's shuttle to find her and the mechanic drinking tea. Inara's hair was still mussed from sleep, making River smile.
"Hey, River." Kaylee was afraid, and Inara was frowning, so River could guess that they'd been discussing her. She sighed. Kaylee didn't do very well when River didn't act like a normal girl.
"Guess I scared you." River commented, eyeing Kaylee from under a curtain of hair.
The girl nodded, but River knew that it wasn't the nightmares that scared her, but the fact that they were true. Kaylee was such a good soul, that what had been done to River was too much for her to cope with. So she preferred it when everything seemed normal. And right now it wasn't.
"Sorry" River murmured, then more loudly "Well, Mal needs me up on the bridge. I just heard you and thought I'd say hi." Inara looked like she wanted to follow her, but River shook her head. "I'll be back later."
Inara's eyes crinkled happily. "Good."
Kaylee didn't say anything, but looked into her tea. River sighed. She knew Kaylee would get over it, and things would go back to normal between them, but she hated it when her friend was scared of her. With that weighing heavy on her heart, she headed back up to the bridge, where Mal and Zoë were deep in discussion over possible destinations.
"What's the verdict?" She questioned. Zoë put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed.
"We have a few options, and no guarantees."
"Isn't that always the way?" River asked.
Zoë's eyes twinkled. "It is."
"Well what're our options, then?"
"I thought you'd never ask." Mal sat her down, and she let his and Zoë's thoughts mingle with the information he was sharing with her.
"We're going to Paquin." River informed Inara as she sat down on the bed. "Doubt you'll find clients there."
Inara turned from the computer screen and smiled. "Clients don't matter right now. You do."
River smiled shyly. "Thanks for saying it." She sighed. "Kaylee's afraid of me again." She tried not to sound too whiny. It was understandable, after all.
"I think she's more afraid for you than afraid of you, this time around." Inara joined her on the bed. "Everything's been so normal lately."
"I guess it reminds her of before Miranda."
"I wouldn't know." Inara took her hand. "Could you tell me more? About what they did to you?"
"I only know bits and pieces of what they did." River pointed out. She was torn between wanting to trust Inara, and being afraid she might scare the Companion away. She couldn't lose Inara. She started chewing her lip, studying their hands.
Inara tilted her chin up. "It's not going to make me scared of you, if that's what you're worrying about."
"It should." River informed her harshly. "It makes me scared of me."
Inara sighed. "I only meant that it's already part of who you are, and I love that person. I won't leave."
"I want to keep you safe." River informed her. "Why do you think I don't tell Simon?"
Inara raised her eyebrows. "Because he wouldn't believe you if you did. I will."
River shook her head. "Right now, if they came for me, they'd just kill you to take me and Simon. If they think you know anything, they'll take you, too. Torture you. I don't know what else. I hope they'll figure out Simon doesn't know much pretty fast."
"I don't care." Inara whispered.
River opened herself to Inara's thoughts and saw that it was true. "Just promise me one thing."
"Anything."
"If they come, and you have time, use that needle you keep for the Reavers."
Inara nodded. "Alright. I promise."
River took a deep breath. "When I first started at the Academy, it was like a dream come true. Me, and others with an extremely high IQ. I think mine was highest. I know I had the top test scores. We were allowed to study whatever we wanted. State of the art equipment. Access to the top minds of every field. They had a dance studio I could use whenever I wanted. They brought in a ballet instructor just for me, to make sure I came."
She frowned. "I don't know when they started the tests. I just know that as time went by, things changed. At first, it was just anxiety. We all felt it. People started missing class, having panic attacks. We talked about it, they told us it was being on a space station, that they would treat it. Then one boy, I don't remember his name, he just disappeared. My counsellor said he transferred out of the program. Found it too stressful. But I saw later that he died during a procedure."
Inara took her hand silently, knowing not to interrupt, and River was grateful.
"That's about when they started the treatments. They said they were for the anxiety. But time started going missing, and I started to know things I couldn't possibly know. Couldn't remember learning. And there was pain. Things didn't make sense. Cara died in her sleep, I heard her room-mate screaming and saw her before they took her away. All the blood. Her brain hemorrhaged. I didn't have a room-mate. My parents wanted the best for me."
She laughed a little hysterically at that concept, realised tears were streaming down her face and brushed them away.
"I think at first they were just working on me. Developing my natural intuition into telepathy, teaching me to shoot, to move, combat skills. Making me a perfect vessel. But the fear created by stripping my amygdala made me unstable, incoherent. You've heard of multiple personality disorder."
Inara nodded. "People often experience missing time, strange changes they don't remember making."
"Right. They created it in me. In all of us, I think. I didn't often see the others after the first few months. But I heard them, sometimes. Some missions I carried out as River. Ones with more sensitive information involved, or where we had to blend in, seem normal, or if I was trying to resist...They did it when you were sleeping. It took me over a year to remember anything. Even just to be aware. I don't remember telling them but I think they know. We aren't meant to remember those missions, but I do. I think. It's so hard to tell what's real from back then."
Inara had no words, so she just wrapped River in her arms and the girl sunk into her, crying.
"We should go to dinner soon." Inara murmured a few hours later. They were lying on her bed, heads together. River would randomly start crying silently, but refused to talk about it. Inara let it alone.
"Don't want to." River whispered.
"Me neither, but they'll come looking." Inara pointed out. "Better we go."
"Simon will know something's wrong, try to give me injections."
"He'll come down and try to give them to you if you don't go to dinner." Inara stroked River's hair. "I could go, tell him you're sleeping."
"No, don't leave me!" The anguish in River's voice scared Inara.
"Shhh, mèi mei." She whispered. "I won't leave you alone, I promise. But I do think it's better if we go to dinner."
River sighed. "Okay." She agreed. Positive company could help, she supposed.
"Why don't you wash your face and I'll brush your hair." Inara suggested. Simon would try and haul River off to the infirmary the instant he saw her like this.
That thought got a smile out of the younger girl. "Are you taking care of me?" she questioned.
"Of course, just like you take care of me when I need it." Inara said, surprised. She frowned. "Besides, after how hard it was to wake you up last time, I don't like the idea of you being knocked out."
River shuddered. "Me neither." She agreed.
