Chapter 3 : And normal humans do...
In order to facilitate his life now in the living realm, Urahara had kindly provided the Arrancar with a handbook aptly titled "Urahara Kisuke's Guide to Human Lifestyles".
Which might as well be "Urahara Kisuke's Book of How to Make Arrancars Mortally Embarrass Themselves in Public".
Having hentai doujinshi furtively shoved into one's schoolbag was one thing (it was ridiculous, the girls had started to scream and whisper behind their hands when he took out one while rummaging for a pencil, humans are strange). Following the book and finding that it wasn't exactly how humans lived all along (or was actually how they did 40 years ago) was quite another thing.
Once, he had tried to make conversation. "Humans love jokes." The book told him, and there was a list of jokes kindly provided. Ulquiorra naturally did not understand them in the least, but hey, if they helped him to get along...
"Do you know how to make holy water?" He once asked a male student he was not acquainted with whilst standing in line to buy stationery. The poor boy jumped a little and glanced sideways, trying to make sure Ulquiorra wasn't talking to anyone else but him before giving the former Espada a perplexed look. Can't blame him, really. It wasn't everyday that the rest of us gets asked questions about the manufacture of sanctified liquids.
"Erm...how?" The student finally gave in.
"You boil the hell out of it." Replied Ulquiorra, deadpan.
It wasn't a hard joke, even Ulquiorra got it after a little bit of thought. If you get rid of the hell in the water, it would become holy, wouldn't it? Sometimes he ought to give humans a little more credit for their brains, at least the ones that think of the jokes.
He never saw that particular male student again.
He did not understand why the rest of humankind except for Orihime still avoided him like the plague. It was amazing that Orihime had been oblivious to all the rumours concerning him that was the talk of the school (not that he's aware of them, either). That was just the way she was, never harbouring any mean thoughts of anyone.
It was only when the class representative decided to have a little "talk" with him that Ulquiorra realised something was wrong. The representative seemed quite apprehensive.
"Schiffer-san, it has come to my attention that...erm...you are causing quite a lot of female students distress lately."
"..."
"Well...um...you see, there was that camera incident..."
"It was proper etiquette. I was informed." Ulquiorra was defiant, "It was them who were impolite, they ran away when I offered the rolls of white paper too."
"...Not exactly, and let us not mention the toilet paper..." The class rep rubbed his forehead.
"It is a tool of many uses."
"No, Schiffer-san. Sometimes it would be pocket tissues or hankerchiefs. And they aren't streamers..."
And so on and so forth, the conversation continued until Ulquiorra became skeptical enough about the Book to approach Urahara Kisuke, that damned storekeeper, on his own.
The blonde and dodgy man took a long breath on his pipe.
"You actually took it seriously?" Urahara gave a howl, waving his cane about and slapping his own leg. "You may be an Espada, but you're the most damn gullible and idiotic one I've ever encountered!"
There was boom that shook the building. Shihouin Yoruichi, currently sunning herself on the roof, nearly fell off.
Ulquiorra did not betray a trace of emotion on his face as he stormed away from the Urahara shop. To be in a gigai with no offensive power except for what the common human could do. To be unable to fend off objects with just your hand (as he had painfully learned with Urahara Kisuke's cane, and today, his table as well). To be helpless. To be completely and utterly trash-like in every imaginable way. It was irrtating, humiliating, and crippling. What were these emotions? What were these frustrations? What the hell is a human?
When the arrancar came to his senses, he realised he was hopelessly lost and without a destination. He sure as bloody hell isn't going back to that place. Ulquiorra closed his eyes and felt the darkness, it was a good thing he still had keen reiatsu senses even in this insulating suit of uselessness.
There was only one reiatsu he was familiar with. One that he had acquainted himself with on the second visit to the living realm as Espada. It was a soft, warm reiatsu. Not rasp and offensive like those of shinigami and hollows.
The source of reiatsu was not far from here.
Urahara drew a long breath on his pipe. Satisfied with his deed.
I'm sorry, Ulquiorra-kun.
But to be with her...you still have much to endure.
Orihime opened the door.
"Ul...quiorra-san? E-eh?"
Without a word, the former-Espada invited himself in. Orihime, who was quite used to this normally irrational and kick-to-the-groin-invoking action if it was any other man in the middle of the night, closed the door and trotted after him.
"Umm, aren't you staying with Urahara-san?" She asked after placing a cup of tea before her stoic-faced visitor. He took a sip and also the liberty to keep the answer to himself for as long as he saw fit. But Orihime learned to be patient with her former-guardian, as Ulquiorra always had random spurts of verbal diarrhoea punctuated by long, long periods of silent-contemplation.
"I'm going to live here from now on." He announced.
Orihime nearly fell sideways. Say what?
"B-but..."
"This is not a negotiation, woman." Those emerald eyes were fixed on her again, cold, unrelenting, yet...pleaing?
"Did...something happen with Urahara-san, or Shihouin-san?" Orihime asked, she could be bright if she put her mind into it.
Ulquiorra did not answer, Orihime was somehow relieved, since she was very fond of the Urahara couple and could do without hearing about them compared with trash.
"I guess Ulquiorra-san always does as he wants, ne?" She mustered a small smile, "Bu...but, my apartment's really small..."
"I see no problem with that."
"And my cooking...people always say it's...very unique."
"I am tired of eating hollows."
"Ahh...well...I guess," Orihime scratched her head, unable to think of any way this Arrancar could not live with her, other than the fact that...
"But...I am a...girl..."
"So?"
"Girls...can't...live with boys! I mean under the same roof and alone and stuff, Tatsuki says it's not right..."
"Your room at Las Noches was in my palace, woman." Ulquiorra snapped matter-of-factly, getting impatient about the quibbling, "There is no difference, and I see no reason to indulge in such unnecessary details. All I am as--"
Asking...?
"--saying is that I shall live here henceforth. None of your human eccentricities interest me--"
Orihime felt a little hurt.
"Why is Ulquiorra-san is always like this..."
The former-Espada stopped talking and looked towards the girl. She was turned slightly away from him, her hair veiling her face.
"Why do you always...say things to seem cold when all you need to do is..."
An irksome feeling arose somewhere in Ulquiorra, when had he encountered this feeling before?
Pan! (1)
Oh. Right.
"I-Inoue Orihime."
She looked up, her eyes were a little red but otherwise dry.
"I...want to live here."
She looked at him for a few seconds, then frowned.
"Still not a negotiation?"
"No." He replied. Orihime looked a bit surprised.
Ulquiorra turned his head sideways, this wasn't the first time he was unable to look her straight in the eyes. Especially --Hueco Mundo forbid!-- for what he thought he was about to say next.
"Not negotiation. But a...request."
Orihime broke into a smile. And he was suddenly reminded of the sun.
"Isn't it so much better to be honest, Ulquiorra-san?"
tbc
A/N: I miss Ulquiorra so much ;-; Goddamnit aren't tsundere so adorable? And long live no plot! Reviews would be nice. :D Thank you for all the reviews so far too! Let's hope Kubo brings Emospada back after his hiatus ;-;
(1) - The sound effect in the background during the slap scene XD
