Half the jokes in this chapter would probably not be funny to someone who's not familiar with Japanese Otaku culture. It's very stereotyped though...But enjoy nevertheless... I will include some explanations in the AN afterwards.
Chapter 5 : Ulquiorra Finds A Sidekick
To not raise any unnecessary suspicion, Orihime and Ulquiorra decided to go to school separately.
"Good Morning Schiffer-kun!"
"Yo, Schiffer!"
A few girls waved and giggled, greeting the black-haired teen as he pulled open the sliding door and entered the classroom. Several of the male students who were in the classroom to begin with also raised their head and nodded to him. The arrancar nodded back. Even though he had lived in the company of humans for a little over a month now, he still felt reluctant to speak when not prompted to.
Orihime had already arrived before him. Upon noticing the 180 degree change in attitude of the girls towards Ulquiorra, she smiled a little to herself. Two weeks ago, none of the other girls would ever dream of talking to the Arrancar. Their metamorphosis came abruptly after a certain incident...
-2 weeks ago-
"Urukiora Shifah-san, is it? Hah. Hah."
Ulquiorra studied the human before him. He had seen a lot of humans, they were quite hard to distinguish sometimes with all their black hair, brown eyes and no mask fragments. But this person was quite...unique.
First, he was round. Well, there were a few round arrancars, and he was reminded of Szayelaporro's bouncing fraccions...Bumina and Lelona? Anyways, this human was rather round, and he sweat profusely for some reason. He also made puffing noises from his mouth, which hung a little open, showing large, yellow incisors. On his head was a clump of hair that was shiny and stuck together with bits of white things. There was a pair of thick round glasses sitting on his nose, which made his already small eyes look minuscule.
What was more strange was that he was very short. Now, Ulquiorra was not a very tall individual, which he was quite aware of. Most human males were taller than he, or at least the same size. To think of it, he hadn't met one that was shorter than he who wasn't a much younger human.
"Shifah-san?" The human panted, "Ah, um, well, I'm Okamura from class 2-F. I heard a lot about you, Shifah-san. You may call me Shizuka-chan if you wish. Since it's the name of my favourite girl from the game 'Gokibeki Memorial', but you must know all about it! Of course Yabuki is also very cute, but tsunderekko's are so..."
Ulquiorra frowned. What was this human babbling about? If he was not mistaken, Shizuka was a girl's name, and this person was undoubtedly a male. What was this memorial he must know about? Some kind of human national festival?
"What do you want of me?" He asked the most straightforward question.
The other person seemed taken aback by this question. "I thought we have a mutual understanding! I mean, we are nearly alone in this cruel world, don't you think?"
Could...this person also be an arrancar in gigai? Wondered Ulquiorra. He said the two of us were alone in this world. Perhaps that's why he's different from the other humans.
"Why are you here, then?" The arrancar asked of 'Shizuka-chan'.
"Because of the dark politics of our country!" Lamented 'Shizuka-chan', "There is no longer a place in society for people like us! That's why we are stuck in a facility called a 'school'!"
That is indeed true. Thought Ulquiorra. Hueco Mundo never had a ruling party, it was chaotic most of the time. Even after Aizen had come, things didn't improve for the lesser arrancars, but now that he was dead, it became even worse. It came as no wonder that another arrancar had chosen to live in the human world.
"So I was thinking, we should stick together. The people are very unforgiving to ones such as us." Proposed 'Shizuka-chan'.
Ulquiorra thought this through. The other humans rarely talked to him. Especially the females who stayed as far away from him as possible. Seems like this arrancar had also encountered such difficulties. It would not hurt to have an ally, besides, this 'Shizuka-chan' reminded him of a certain hulking sidekick he had long ago...
Somewhere in Hueco Mundo, Yammy sneezed.
-1 week 4 days ago-
"I have pre-ordered the limited edition figurine of Yugure Maha from 'SCUFFLE!'!! Some discussion forums say that Maha-chan's panties in this version won't be the usual blue stripes, but pink! Ohh I can't wait!" Breathed Shizuka-chan alongside Ulquiorra.
"Right." Replied the arrancar.
"O-of course! Shifah-san already has the figurine! Oh please tell me if it's true about the panties!"
"Yeah."
"Oh I am so excited!"
Ulquiorra has discovered that their conversations usually carried on as such, that is, he didn't understand a word of it. But that only meant Shizuka-chan became more and more impressed with his knowledge about various nothings.
He also discovered that he had risen up the ranks in infamy since getting along with Shizuka-chan. It was all as well since no one bothered him (not that they did often before). Though now given any one time in his presence, no female students could be found. But it might just be his imagination.
No females, that is, except for Inoue Orihime.
"Ulquiorra-san!" She came running, in all her bouncing glory, up to him through the corridor. "What do you think of sweet eggs with pretzel for din-- oh."
Seemed like she noticed the short, round person.
"Umm, you look busy. I'll talk to you later, Ulquiorra-san!" She ran off as soon as she had come.
There was silence for a few seconds.
"You-you-you-you know Inoue?" Sputtered Shizuka-chan. "The most s-s-sought after girl in the school?!"
"Yeah." Shrugged Ulquiorra, why is it such a big deal he knew Inoue Orihime?
"Is...is she your friend?" Shizuka-chan's piggish eyes seem to light up. "Does she let you near her?"
"Of course."
"C-can..." The smaller person gasped, "Can you introduce me to her?"
Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow.
-1 week 2 days ago-
"This is Shizuka-chan," The arrancar said with a blank face, as per usual.
Orihime was uneasy, and confused as to why she was being introduced to the most notorious otaku in the school by Ulquiorra. By the way, wasn't his name Okamura?
"Umm," Being the polite girl she is, she couldn't exactly ignore others. "I'm Inoue Orihime, nice to meet you..."
Shizuka-chan only managed to gape at her, which made her even more uncomfortable. After staring at her body for about 30 seconds, the otaku finally opened his mouth.
"It...it's a 91! I can't be mistaken!"
"91?" Ulquiorra asked.
"Orihime-chan's size, of course!" Shizuka-chan replied, giving himself the liberty to refer to Orihime on first name basis. The arrancar was not too pleased with this.
"U-Ulquiorra-san." The girl twitched, "C-can I go--"
"I HAVE THE PERFECT IMAGE FOR YOU!" The otaku became very excited and seem to perspire more. "Since you are Shifah-kun's friend, you won't object, right? Right?"
"Err..."
"It's decided! THE COSTUME WILL FINALLY BE WORN!"
Shizuka-chan ran out of the school then, seemingly high on something only he knew.
-The next day-
"WEAR THIS! ORIHIME-CHAN!" Puffed Shizuka-chan.
He was holding in his hands a playboy bunny costume, complete with a set of fishnet stockings and ears. An expression best described in terms of drug addiction was on his face. A camera was hung around his round, almost non-existent neck.
Orihime was confused and thoroughly creeped out. How did this otaku catch her alone out of the presence of Tatsuki-chan and the others? (Or maybe some cruel author of fanfictions have decided they would get in the way of this scene) Was he stalking her? And what crazy thing was he up to now?
"What are you doing?" Asked a deep, familiar, and very indifferent voice from behind.
"T-thank goodness, Ulquiorra-san!" Cried the girl, "P-please tell Okamura-san to stop this..."
"You are mistaken, Orihime-chan." A dangerous and rabid glint was in Shizuka-chan's small eyes, "He wants to see this as much as I do! Change into the outfit, now!"
Orihime was horrified. Ulquiorra-san? An accomplice? He really is an otaku? It can't be! (Of course not, Orihime!)
"What are you doing?" The arrancar asked again. This time more severely as he noted that the girl was troubled.
"Isn't it obvious?" Shizuka-chan sputtered, quite annoyed that the "head otaku" wasn't helping him out, "She is perfect for this! I have been waiting years to see a perfect cosplay of Asahina Mikuru!"
"I don't care." Replied Ulquiorra, his tone taking a turn for the chilling cold. "What you are doing is making her unhappy."
"W-what?! This isn't right!" Shizuka-chan's eyes became bloodshot as he became more desperate. "What is her unhappiness compared to the greater justice?! It isn't right that she should get away with this! I will not waste this chance! SHE WILL COSPLAY MIKURU-CHAN!"
He proceeded to pounce on the orange-haired girl then.
Several things happened at once. Inoue Orihime only felt a blast of wind from something moving very fast. A blur of colours was in front of her. Then the otaku flew off to her right, and straight out of the window of the second floor with a massive crash.
Ulquiorra was in front of her, one leg raised in the aftermath of a roundhouse kick. Then with all the elegance of a fighter, he returned the foot to the ground.
First thought to cross her mind: She thought she could fight with her unofficial first-dan blackbelt, but apparently, she was not fast enough.
Second thought: How did he manage to keep his hands in his pockets?
Third thought: Ulquiorra-san saved me...again.
"Are you hurt?"
She shook her head, shaken not from an encounter with a freak, but from the pure asskick the arrancar just handed out to said freak. She never knew he could move like that even in a gigai. Kurosaki-kun is an impressive fighter, but Ulquiorra-san was even more so. Much more power and skill than she had ever thought...
"Good." Said Ulquiorra, turning around and leaving as students and teachers, having heard the noise, began to arrive on the scene. "Don't wander the corridors alone."
And Ulquiorra had a 1 week suspension from school then. During the week he was absent, Orihime had been bombarded with questions about the incident from her classmates as well as students from other classes. It seemed like the otaku was a nuisance to everyone in the school, and all the students were grateful to Ulquiorra for landing him in the hospital. Unwittingly, the arrancar had become a hero amongst his small group of humans.
"Hey, Schiffer-kun. Can you help me with this physics problem?"
"I never knew Schiffer-kun was that smart before!"
"Which part of Greenland did you come from, Schiffer-kun?"
Perhaps the incident was the direct cause of his popularity explosion with the girls too. Orihime was trying to study for the upcoming exams, but always found herself perking up at some mention of "Schiffer-kun". Looking to him, she could see he was slightly troubled by all the sudden attention. The girl suppressed a giggle at the sight.
Ulquiorra-san's getting along fine, isn't he? I should feel happy for him.
Orihime lowered her eyes.
If so, why do I feel a little lonely?
tbc
A/N: Wow, a lot of things to explain to the perplexed reader in this chapter. First of all, 'Shizuka' came from a guy I actually knew in real life, who scared the living daylights out of me. But granted, he's not as disgusting as the otaku described in this fic, but he still calls himself by a girl's name, which was massive lulz for me until this day.
The description of the otaku here a stereotypical one of Japanese otaku. No concern for personal hygiene, complains about the common world for 'misunderstanding' them, obsessed with the fictional world of dating simulation games and harem anime. "Gokibeki Memorial" is a parody of "Tokimeki Memorial", which is a well-known dating sim game. SCUFFLE! is a parody of the game/anime SHUFFLE!, which I hated (if you're a fan, sorry, but I really hate it. Though it has nice music), and Yugure Maha is parody of a character in there called Shigure Asa, whom I also hate XD. Everyone should know who Asahina Mikuru is, from the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.
So, hope that cleared up some things.
Edit: I always reply to signed reviews, so if you're an anon reviewer, I can only answer general questions and not respond individually. So I hope you give a signed review so I can talk to you XD Here's an extra section I use to answer some asked questions people might want to know the answers to.
Q&A Section:
Q: What's in the drink?
A: Ingredients not usually found mixed together. It's Orihime, what do you expect? But there is no alcohol, surprisingly. She's a good citizen, and minor. XD
Q: Put Grimmjow in the story!
A: I might...Nothing is certain.
Q: Update moar, biotch D:
A: Yes, I'm trying to do a weekly thing now, but yet again, this isn't a promise or anything.
Until next week, then! And review please! It makes me a happy fangirl, and happy fangirls write better things.
