Thank you charakids for being my beta. And thank you for all the reviews!
Chapter 13
Sarah stood outside the door of the bedroom she shared with Chuck. After his final words before departing she thought it best to give him some space, and herself time to think. Dinner after that was tense as people finished their meals in silence. She helped Morgan clear the table and do the dishes, allowing the others to scour over the documents that Casey had sent over to them.
They came up with a plan. One that everyone appeared to be satisfied with and felt would be easily successful. But still, Sarah's nerves felt raw as her mind wheeled over and over what Chuck had said. She wasn't entirely sure what he was implying but whatever it was she was sure she didn't like it.
"You can come in you know." Chuck's muffled voice said through the closed door. Sarah looked up in surprise at the wood in front of her. Steeling herself she held her breath as she reached out and turned the knob, opening the door slowly.
Blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted from the dark of the hall to the light in the room via a lamp on the right of the bed, Sarah focused on Chuck who sat once again in the comfortable chair that sat by the window.
"You live in here too, you don't have to linger outside the door all night." He told her softly.
"I wasn't sure if you wanted my company." She replied as she closed the door behind her.
Chuck gave her a wane smile and shifted in his seat to get more comfortable. "I'll always want your company Sarah. Don't you know that by now?" He asked her.
Not answering Sarah walked further into the room towards him, sitting on the end of the bed across from him. Nothing was said between them as they sat in a comfortable silence. Talking was never Sarah's strong point, she would freely admit that, she especially had closed up even more in most regards but she had opened up in others, especially after getting fired by the CIA and Ellie coming to the cabin.
"We need to talk." Sarah started delicately. She watched Chuck tilt his head slightly to the side indicating that he was listening as she took a deep breath and focused her thoughts. "What you said at dinner-"
"I meant." Chuck interrupted. Sarah's shoulders slumped as her eyes widened.
"Chuck, no. That is so not-"
"Your decision to make."
"Well it isn't yours either Chuck." She said annoyed. She stood up from her spot and walked the few feet behind Chuck to the closet and stared at the door for a moment. She didn't like the direction this conversation was going. It wasn't what she wanted at all, and even more so she was alarmed at how calm and collected he was.
"Please come sit down Sarah." Chuck asked her. The idea of ignoring him and just standing with her back to him sounded appealing to her but she relented and turned back to where she originally sat.
"I don't like you threatening your life Chuck. Never do that." She ground out.
"What would it matter? You won't be here Sarah. The only way I would do anything would be if you weren't here anymore. That is a world I don't want to live in. I can't."
Covering her face with her hands in frustration Sarah fought the urge to scream really loud and possibly throttle Chuck for his stupidity. He didn't seem to understand what he was saying and it scared her to death especially with his earlier revelation of not believing any of it was real to begin with. Lowering her hands into her lap she scooted as close to Chuck as possible without falling off the bed and reached out for his hands. She gripped them tightly in her own as her sinuses burned with unshed tears. She let out a stuttering breathy laugh at how much she'd cried over the past year.
"That's not practical Chuck. At some point, it is possible that one of us, that I will get hurt, or sick and could possibly die. You can't just stop living because of that. It's not practical." She explained as calmly as possible.
"I know that Sarah. But, what good is my life if you get caught killed because of me. You shouldn't have rescued me Sarah, you shouldn't have put your life in such danger. Surely you must know that I would have wanted you safe and happy. It was the one thing that really kept me…" Sarah watched him as he struggled for the word. Safe, sane, happy? Those would have been good words to use if any of them had been remotely possible.
"It was my choice Chuck, as is this." She told him, swallowing her fear and anxiety as she brought up the real point of the conversation. "I know you're scared about the prospect of getting caught again Chuck, of one of us getting hurt, but the opportunity that Casey has presented to us is an amazing one that we cannot afford to pass up on, no matter how scared or what the risk."
"But how can you say that?" Chuck protested. "How can you judge the severity of the situation?"
"Because Chuck, I'm a trained agent and this is what I do. We've looked at it from all angles and we've planned for just about anything." She told him honestly, but she could still see fear and doubt in his eyes. "Do you remember Tyler Martin? That rock star?" She asked.
Chuck smiled at the memory of the punk rock drugged out little man that had been an unknowing pawn in a terrorist plot, and so did Sarah. As annoyed and concerned she had been about Chuck during that time because of his weird behavior she couldn't help but be thankful to Tyler for what he did for Chuck.
"When we needed to capture the terrorist that was after him, and you went in to talk him into getting on stage and performing you told him that for one night of bravery, he could have a lifetime of freedom." Wiping away the stray tears that tumbled down her cheek, Sarah got off the bed and kneeled in front of Chuck. "Well it's the same. One day of risk for a life time of freedom. You and I after this will be free from everything. We won't have to fear so much, we can live out our lives how we want, together."
Sarah closed her eyes as Chuck ran his fingers through her hair, leaning down to place kisses on her temple and finally down the side of her face to her lips. She opened her mouth inviting him in, allowing him full access as she poured herself into it, letting everything melt away except for them and then kiss. She felt Chuck nudge her back slightly as he slipped out of the chair and kneeled in front of her as well, deepening the kiss and pressing herself flat against his thin body. Everything felt amazing as her body woke up and responded to his touch, his presence, his kiss.
Lying in bed sometime later Sarah had her head on Chuck's chest, listening to his heart beat as he plays with their entwined fingers. Her body felt happy and her mind felt at peace and while she was tired the exhaustion that always seemed to permeate throughout her entire form on an almost daily basis seemed to have dissipated.
"You know Chuck, we can't keep doing that." She said lightly, looking up at him, mirroring the satisfied grin on his face.
"I don't know, it's been a year so we kind of have to make up for lost time don't we?" He replied coyly, shifting himself to sit up and lean over to place a kiss on her but Sarah just laughed and flicked him on the nose. "Owie, I'm wounded now." He said sitting up.
Taking the blanket with her, Sarah sat up as well, sitting up facing him as he rubbed the spot on his nose that she had flicked, rolling her eyes at his attempt to make it sound worse.
"I meant that when we're in the middle of a serious discussion or talking about a serious issue you can't just kiss me and then have sex with me. It's not going to work forever you know. I'm on to you now." She warned, poking him in the chest. Chuck grabbed her finger in his and shoved it between his teeth playfully, making her screech. "Chuck!" She said pulling her finger away from him.
"Sorry!" He said. Sarah shook her head at him, knowing how not sorry he actually was but letting it drop. She took the moment after to just study him. To study his unruly hair that was growing out again, to his white almost translucent chest with sparse dark hairs. She made a decision in her mind to get him out to the lake soon and let him get some sun. She missed his tanned skin.
Her smile falling slightly, her mind went back to what needed to be done before they could even consider doing something like that, something as simple as going down to the lake for some much needed relaxing in the sun. She wanted to broach the subject with him again but knew he would try to dodge it again but it had to be discussed. He had to understand that they needed to do this.
"I know what's going on in your head Sarah, you don't have to hide it from me." He spoke, causing her to jump slightly. She didn't think she was that far inside her head but apparently she was.
"You always did know how to read me Chuck. The only one. I still don't know how you do it." She told him looking down at the blanket wrapped around her. The bed shifted slightly and Sarah looked up to see Chuck close the few inches that had rested between them and kiss her. She closed her eyes loving the feeling before biting his lower lip a little harder than necessary and pushing him away with a grin. You're doing it again."
Chuck didn't look abashed as he cheekily grinned back at her. "I can't help it. I just like to be with you. And you just present the best opportunities." He leaned over again but Sarah stopped him, as much didn't want to.
"We really need to talk. We don't have much time." She intoned. She watched Chuck roll his eyes and scoot away from her, instantly making her miss his closer presence as he leaned against the headboard.
"Ok then. Talk. What is the big plan?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Don't Chuck, just…hear me out ok. I know your point, you've made it clear and even the points you haven't verbalized I know that too." She told him.
"You don't know anything about my fears." He replied, causing Sarah to frown further at his hardened voice. The feeling to just drop the whole thing was strong but she knew she had to be the stronger one. They were bound to fight at some point and it might as well be over this if it gives them freedom.
"You're right Chuck, I don't. I can guess but I don't know what all you fear or what all you are thinking, and I'd ask you to explain it but I have a feeling it will just lead to sex again and you know I'm not going to be able to say no to you then."
"Good then lets skip all this talk and get to that then." He suggested, his smile jumping back to his face. Sarah signed in frustration again and made a mental note to talk to Ellie about the possibility of some kind of imbalance to Chuck's moods in relation to the forced drugging he had been subjected to.
"Let's talk about this first." She told him. "We, well, I won't force you to participate in this op Chuck. "
That appeared to have surprised Chuck. "You won't? Why?" He asked suspiciously.
"Because I feel you've had enough of people forcing you into doing things you don't want to do. And while, true in life you'll always be in some sort of situation like that, just because that's how life is, I feel…I want you to be able to make your own life decisions." She explained.
They sat in silence for a few moments, bumps rising on her skin as Sarah felt Chuck's gaze analyzing her and her words. She could tell he was apprehensive of them and it hurt her to know that but after all he's been through, even with her, Sarah couldn't fault him for his cautiousness. As he licked his lips to moisten them Sarah had to turn her gaze back to the bed to control herself from jumping on him, finally figuring out that Chuck got the sex distraction technique from her.
"So if I decide…that I don't want to participate in this mission, then you won't make me?" He asked her slowly. Sarah looked back up to meet his gaze and nodded her head.
"That's right." She said. "But that doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to convince you to Chuck."
Chuck tiredly leaned back against the headboard again and this time Sarah did crawl the few feet between to snuggle up next to him.
"I know this is a lot in a very short amount of time Chuck, but we don't have much time and I truly feel that this is important and we should do it." She told him honestly.
Sarah laid her head on his shoulder as she wrapped her arms around his thin waist. Closing her eyes she just concentrated on the feel of his skin and the heat that came off it. The feeling made her feel drowsy and sleepy and she could feel herself falling into a light sleep as Chuck's arm snaked around her waist to hold her as well.
"I don't know if I can do it Sarah." Chuck said, his faint voice bringing her fully back to the land of the waking.
"I know Chuck. But the reward for it so great." She told him.
"Our freedom."
"Yeah, our freedom. To do whatever we want Chuck. Well…within reason of course, but we won't have to look over our shoulders every second of everyday because they'll all think we're dead. We'll get new identities and we'll go find some small town or some large city and blend in with your sister and Devon. You'll have Morgan and your dad too. Anything is possible Chuck."
Reaching up to his chin Sarah turned his face so that she could look into his eyes, to see what he was thinking. What she saw was fear and sadness, but also hope, and she knew that hope was for a life happy and pain free.
"A moment of bravery for a lifetime of freedom, it does sound like a beautiful thing." Chuck told her. "We can start a life, one that is together. Like a normal couple."
"Isn't being normal overrated? At least that's what you keep telling me." She teased, touching her forehead to his.
"If I do this, and we survive it, I want you to do something for me." Chuck whispered to her. Sarah looked up through her lashes at him.
"Anything." She told him honestly, and she meant it. Chuck pulled back from her, his eyes narrowed as he gazed into her eyes.
"I want you to marry me."
Sarah lied awake that night unable to sleep. Her mind was reeling from everything that had happened all day. From getting the communication from Casey to the ending of it which ended with a marriage proposal and the greatest sex of her life.
Chuck fell asleep promptly after to which she was grateful for. In the time after they got together before he was taken, and even before that on cover sleep overs she had always enjoyed the chats they had together as they lie in the darkened bedroom waiting for sleep to come. She had always felt protected in the cover of night to be honest, fully honest or at least as honest as she, as an agent of the CIA and stunted emotionally human being could be.
They had continued the tradition in the past week, kind of. Chuck being more exhausted easier though he spent almost all his time in his room. But tonight she was grateful he had fallen right asleep because her mind was speeding and her heart was pounding and she wasn't sure if it was entirely of fear or excitement.
She had never really thought about getting married before, at least not before Chuck. A few times she had dreamt of their wedding day and a couple times had dreams of them having kids, but she never spent too much time on the thought. Before there didn't seem to be any end to the Intersect project and she feared Chuck would be a ward of the government for the rest of their lives. She didn't allow herself to hope and dream of a future past immediate needs and wants with him, though she did find herself wanting more and more of a future as time went on. Now it seemed like she was getting everything she never wanted and couldn't wait to have it all.
Sitting up in bed Sarah looked down to her right, making sure Chuck was still soundly asleep, Sarah slipped out of bed, pulling on random clothes as she headed for the door and quietly slipped out deciding a cup of tea may settle her mind.
However exiting the hallways she was surprised to see Ellie sitting at the table, flipping through a stack of folders at the dining room table. Sarah thought about backtracking to the bedroom and just lying in bed but decided against it. Ellie was her best friend and soon to be sister-in-law and if there was anyone she could talk to about her feelings it would be Ellie.
"Hey you." Sarah said as she approached Ellie. Ellie looked up from the stack of papers and smiled at her. "What are you doing up so late?"
"Just going over some medical reports that my father printed out regarding Chuck." Ellie replied tiredly. "They really did a number on him, but at least they documented it well."
Sarah came up to the table and pulled the chair out across from Ellie out and sat down grabbing the top file. Opening it the page had a bunch of abbreviations and numbers but it wasn't anything Sarah could decipher.
"Is there anything we should be really worried about?" Sarah asked closing the folder and looking up at her friend concerned, but Ellie shook her head, closing her own file in front of her.
"No, well yes and no. We should be concerned, about everything they did to him." She said taking the folder in Sarah's hand and placing it back on the stack. "Short term he seems ok. He's communicative, he's stable for the most part. Long term though, we don't know what the damage will be if any and that's what I'm more concerned.
Sarah nodded her head in understanding though she wasn't quite sure if she did. She wasn't a medical expert and therefore had no idea what real long term problems this whole ordeal can or will cause. She had a sudden flutter of fear of being left alone to deal with it and she was scared about if she'd be able to or not. But the notion was ridiculous and somewhere in Sarah she knew it. Ellie would always be close at hand. Maybe not in the same house as they are now but she had no doubt that Ellie and Devon weren't going to be too far away from wherever Sarah and Chuck will end up.
"Hey, are you ok?" Ellie asked her concerned, bringing Sarah back to the present.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Sarah shuddered out in a breath. "Just a moment of you know…fear. Fearing what could be wrong with Chuck."
"It'll be ok Sarah. I always believed it. He has you, and me, and all of us." Ellie soothed, reaching out to squeeze Sarah's hand comfortingly.
"That's good, that's really good Ellie, because we're going to need you. Especially afterwards." Sarah said, biting her bottom lip nervously.
"What's happening after?" Ellie asked looking confused.
Sarah thought for a moment about lying to her, about coming up with some other reason for why they will need her but she couldn't. She wanted to tell someone, she wanted to tell her best friend, and she wanted someone else to be happy with her, and maybe, if she were honest with herself, be a little girlie about the whole thing as well.
"Chuck agreed to go through with the plan. I explained it all to him and he said he would do it. After however…" She paused for a second, her mind and heart reeling, fighting with each other over the truth or not until finally whatever came out would come out. "He asked me to marry him and I said yes."
The next thing Sarah heard was a loud screech that startled her from across the table and then arms being flung around her strangling her.
"We're going to be sisters!" Ellie chanted over and over again rocking her back and forth. Sarah smiled as she tried to get Ellie to stop before she accidently got strangled, but the other woman finally stopped on her own, sitting down in the chair next to Sarah and grabbing a pad and paper. "We have so much to do! We need a dress, and flower, food. It'll obviously be a small wedding-"
"Wow...Ellie, calm down. We have time, and he only asked tonight." Sarah said laughing at her friend whose smile could blind and already blind man.
"I know I know, but…this is my little brother, and you're my friend." She stuttered as the waterworks began. "And I just want you two to be happy and together."
"Hey babe, what's the matter?" Devon's voice boomed quietly as he entered the dining room and approached them. "
"Sarah and Chuck are getting married!" Ellie announced happily, still furiously writing on her notepad.
"Really? Congrats sis!" Devon said leaning over her and giving an awkward bear hug that had Sarah flailing around a bit.
"Honey, put her down, you're hurting her." Ellie said sounding distracted. Devon released her and gave her a pat on the head before placing a kiss on Ellies cheek and saying goodnight.
Sarah sat in silence for a few minutes, not quite sure what to do. Ellie seemed to be in her own world as she planned the wedding of her dreams for Chuck. She wondered if perhaps she should cut in and give some input, after all it was her wedding too but decided against it. She wasn't really a planning kind of girl, she never had a dream about any sort of wedding for herself even as a little girl growing up. Not even while she was falling in love with Chuck did she really dream of a wedding, just being married to him.
"You know…I'm kind of tired Ellie, am I needed for this?" Sarah asked starting to stand up. Ellie didn't even look up from her paper as she waived Sarah away and she headed back down the hall to the room she shared with Chuck.
She entered the dark room just as silently as she left, pulling the clothes off she had just put on and then crawled back into bed, curling up against Chuck who didn't even shift, and with a smile she closed her eyes and finally went to sleep.
The a/n is a little ran so you don't have to read it.
A/N: So I know I typically do personal thank yous on reviews but I couldn't bring myself to do them this time. You guys are so sweet and I've struggled so much. I know a lot of people just think that this is 'stupid fanfic' and its really nothing, but to us, you and me, we know different. This is a community where fan's of whatever come together and extend the universe to see our faves in different situations that weren't available in cannon.
I've been reading fanfic since 1999 starting with The X-Files and it has been a huge part of my life ever since then. I struggle with myself and trying to explain to others outside that yeah, I'm not reading a real published book but I'm reading. And I read A LOT. It hurts when they say "yeah but that's not real reading." Cause I feel it is. People, like me, are writing books, and novellas. Yes, I can't make any money off it, but that doesn't make it any less substantial than anything you'd find on Goodreads. According to them, I didn't meet my book quota I set for myself this year, but you know what, I did. I surpassed it. How? Because I read fanfic, a lot of it. Because I believe and I support these writers. Through fanfic I've written 9 books. 9. And that's just what's on here. (I've written 5 backstreet boys fanfics and to my embarrassment 2 twilights. No you cannot read them)
Because of fanfic, writers and readers I wouldn't have gotten to this story. You're reviews, your encouragement, your taking the time to read my writing has furthered me in my writing. It has improved my techniques and story developments. I've always wanted to be a published novelist and ya know what, I am. This is published, this is read by real people.
The only reason I said I was getting out of fanfiction writing was because my friends, in the real world, none of which reads fanfic said if I wanted to be a serious writer I needed to stop living in this world and live in the real one and focus on original work. It sounds stupid but I've been struggling for over a month, if not longer over this idea, that I need to get out and I'm so pathetic, yes I've cried over it. I cried like a little bitch because I felt like I was being forced out of something I loved to do. To read and to write.
This seems like a long rant but it's something that's been on my mind forever, for many years. There are so many talented writers on this site, and everywhere else that publishes fanfiction that it sucks that others who aren't in this world, and fanfic is its own world whether you believe it or not, who laugh and scoff and mock this form of writing. But I've found in my travels online that fanfic, no matter what fandom it is, brings very passionate people, very accepting people. More so than actual published books.
So here I'm making my declaration that probably isn't necessary but I feel it is because of the hard struggle I've had over the years.
I'm Melissa (Missy) and I'm a fanfic addict. I read it, I write it, yes I'm lazy on reviews but I love it, I accept it, and I support it. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit that fanfic is probably over 75% of my yearly reading, and if you don't support it, than phooey on you and shut up.
OK. Rant's over. Next chapter I have no idea, cause i wrote it as an ending and I REALLY like the odd turn it did but I don't think others will like it unless i write more after it and I haven't got anything planned.
I'm so sorry I put you all through this and those who follow my work know I'm typically an on scheduled person. But as you can see from my rant, I've been struggling.
LOVE YOU ALL!
