If Jedi Were Secret Agents
"From now on," said Palpatine, "Jedi will not be generals in the Grand Republic Army anymore."
Mace Windu sighed in relief. No more fighting for them!
"Instead, they will be secret agents!
Windu spit out his drink all over the bartender, who glared at him. Thinking quickly, he waved his hand.
"Uhhh...you had a Gatorade bath."
"I had a Gatorade bath."
()()()()()
Anakin and Obi-Wan sat at Dex's cafe, eating lunch. Dex came over and handed Anakin a comlink
"It's for you."
That was strange. Anakin picked it up and put it to his ear.
"A Bantha will not run unless kicked in the shins."
Anakin sighed. Another mission. He excused himself and went out back, where Artoo was waiting. Artoo performed a retinal scan on him and a message began to play.
"Good morning, Agent Skywalker. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to steal 10 Pokémon from the separatists. Agent Kenobi will accompany you. As usual, should any of your team members be capture or killed, the Jedi claim no responsibility. This message will self destruct in five seconds."
"Wait, wait, wait, WAIT!"
Artoo exploded in a poof of smoke. Anakin knew he should've bought insurance.
()()()()()
Anakin leaned over to kiss Padmé. He was interrupted by his comlink, but he ignored it.
"Shouldn't you get that?" asked Padmé.
"It can wait."
"But what if it can't? You are a secret agent after all."
Anakin sighed and answered it.
"Can this wait?" he said, "I'm busy."
"Anakin, stop your womanizing. Get to HQ now!" said Obi-Wan.
Anakin tossed his comlink out the window and left his apartment.
()()()()()
Obi-Wan carefully placed the laser cutter on the glass. It started cutting really slowly. Anakin tapped his foot impatiently.
"Oh, come on!" yelled Skywalker.
He ignited his lightsaber and cut the glass. It fell to the floor and smashed.
"See, no problem," he said, triumphantly.
The alarms started blaring.
"So much for stealth," said Obi-Wan, "You were supposed to hack into the security system and disable the alarms."
"Why would I need to do that?" asked Anakin.
He jumped into the base and crushed the alarms and security cameras with the Force.
"See, no problemo!"
Obi-Wan sighed and followed his padawan into the base. They sneaked to the vault holding the Pokémon.
"Okay," whispered Obi-Wan, "Now we have to carefully find the combination and-"
Anakin stabbed his lightsaber into the steel door and cut out a large circle. He jumped inside and got the trading card. Obi-Wan was seriously annoyed at this point.
"Now that you've successfully alerted EVERYONE IN THIS BASE to our presence, HOW THE KRIFF ARE WE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE WITHOUT LEAVING ANY EVIDENCE?"
"Relax, I got it covered. Just follow me."
Anakin and Obi-Wan ran out the facility, droids chasing after them.
"Hey, Jedi! Give us back our Pokémon!" yelled one droid.
Anakin closed the blast doors with the Force.
"Now what?" asked Obi-Wan.
Anakin didn't reply and put on sunglasses. He pressed a button on a detonator and the building exploded. He walked away from the flames in slow motion without looking back, making his awesomeness rise to the level of pro. Obi-Wan gawked.
"Artoo, you got that?" Anakin asked after the explosion stopped.
Artoo beeped affirmatively.
Anakin made a copy of Artoo's recording.
"This is so going on YouTube," said Anakin to Obi-Wan, who still had his mouth open.
()()()()()
The bounty hunter held a blaster to Padmé's temple with Anakin bound in a chair, watching.
"I'm going to count to ten, Skywalker," said the bounty hunter, "Tell me where the Pokémon are or your wife dies! One!"
Anakin and Padmé both rolled their eyes.
"Not this again," said Anakin, "Do you bounty hunters ever learn?"
"Shut up! Two!"
"I know," said Padmé, "Didn't the ten bounty hunters before you who tried the same thing tell you what happened to them?"
"Three! Enough talking! Four!"
"Fine," said Anakin, "It's your doom."
"Five! Tell me Skywalker!"
"Ten!" yelled Anakin. He used the Force to knock the blaster out of the bounty hunter's hand. Padmé kicked her captor in the most sensitive spot. The bounty hunter collapsed in pain, crying for his mommy. Anakin broke his bonds and walked over to Padmé.
"You know, the first few times it was funny," said Anakin, "Now saving you is just annoying. Try not to get captured again."
"I wouldn't if you were at home more often," said Padmé.
"It's not my fault! Obi-Wan does nothing but drink shaken, not stirred martinis in his free time! I usually end up carrying him back to HQ."
Obi-Wan staggered into the room.
"Am I late?" he asked woozily.
"Yes!" said Anakin and Padmé in unison.
Obi-Wan collapsed on the floor. He scooted over to the fallen bounty hunter.
"I say! You're a pretty one!" he mumbled, putting an arm on the mercenary.
Anakin turned to his wife.
"See what I mean?"
Padmé couldn't help but agree.
