Logical Saber Duels (LSD)
"Dude, come up with a better acronym," said the readers.
"It's the only one I could come up with that doesn't totally suck," said AnotherStoryFan, "And besides, I'm the writer here!"
AnotherStoryFan clears throat.
"And now, without further ado…presenting Logical Saber Duels! The show in which we find out how the duels in Star Wars would go if they followed actual logic!"
"It's not a show," said the readers, "It's a kriffing chapter in your outtakes."
"Shut up! I felt like doing something else in the intro! Now sit back and read."
()()()()()
If Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi vs Darth Maul Followed Logic
Qui-Gon sat meditating as the energy shield buzzed. On the other side, Darth Maul prowled menacingly. The shield shut off and Qui-Gon's eyes popped open. The Jedi and the Sith began dueling once again. Obi-Wan rushed to help his master.
I'm not going to make it, he thought, Unless I use that Force speedboost thingy I used in the beginning of the movie.
Obi-Wan shot forward and managed to get across before the shield turned on again. Darth Maul saw him and cursed.
"I'm screwed, aren't I?" asked the Sith.
"Yep," said Obi-Wan, before he and his master proceeded to chop him into bite-sized M&M pieces.
()()()()()
If Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Yoda vs Count Dooku Followed Logic
"I'm taking him now!" yelled Anakin as he rushed towards Count Dooku.
"Anakin, No!" warned Obi-Wan, but Anakin didn't listen. Dooku blasted Sith lightning from his fingertips, but to everyone's surprise, he blocked it with his lightsaber.
"How the kriff did you do that?" asked Dooku.
"All Jedi have spider-sense. We can sense things before they happen. Didn't you read the manual?" said Anakin.
"I'm screwed, aren't I?"
"And Yoda's not even here yet!"
By the time Yoda arrived, Anakin and Obi-Wan had already extracted every single one of Dooku's organs and sold them on the black market, making them the richest Jedi ever.
()()()()()
If Obi-Wan vs General Grievous Followed Logic
Grievous whirred his four lightsabers around really, really fast, but Obi-Wan didn't flinch.
"You're forgetting one thing," he said boldly.
"And what's that, Kenobi?" asked the general, advancing closer.
"I can use the Force, moron."
"Sith, I'm screwed, aren't I?"
"You bet!"
Obi-Wan squeezed his fingers together and within seconds Grievous was nothing but a tinfoil ball.
"Wonder why no one thought about that earlier?" said Obi-Wan, before proceeding to sell the ball on eBay for ten million credits to some nerd.
()()()()()
If Mace Windu vs Palpatine Followed Logic
Palpatine attacked the first of the four Jedi who had come to arrest him, but was surprised when his stab was blocked.
"What-" he began.
"Spidey –sense, Palpy," said Windu, "Seriously, don't any of you dumbsiths read the manual?"
Palpatine sighed.
"I'm screwed, aren't I?"
"Is Yoda shorter than Michael Jordan?"
Anakin arrived to find Palpatine's office empty.
"He must have gone to McDonald's without me, that lying backstabber," he said angrily.
()()()()()
If Anakin vs Obi-Wan Followed Logic
"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed the two former friends as they desperately tried to put out the flames covering their burning clothes.
"Fighting this close to lava was a very bad idea!" yelled Anakin.
"No Sith, Sherlock!" screamed Obi-Wan.
"I thought it would look epic! Kriff you, science!"
Albert Einstein rolled in his grave at their stupidity.
()()()()()
If Darth Vader vs Ben Kenobi Followed Logic
Vader swung at Ben, who had kept his lightsaber straight in surrender. He was cut in half and fell to the floor in two pieces.
"OWWWWWWW THAT HURTS!" screamed Ben.
"What did you expect?" asked Vader.
"I thought I was going to disappear into the Force or some crap like that! The online course seemed so legit!"
"Maybe Darth Maul can hook you up with some spider legs."
()()()()()
If Luke vs Vader Followed Logic
"The Force is strong with you, young Skywalker. Also, I AM YOUR FATHER!" boomed Vader.
"Wait, what?" asked a very confused Luke.
Vader Force pushed him into the carbonite chamber and froze him.
"What an amateur," the Dark Lord of the Sith said, "But at least I didn't waste my time this way. Plus he has tons of time to think this over!"
()()()()()
If Luke vs Vader 2 Followed Logic
"I am a Jedi, like my father before me!" proclaimed Luke. His lightsaber never left his hand.
"Why didn't you throw your lightsaber away?" asked Palpatine, "My whole plan depended on that!"
Luke rolled his eyes.
"I'm not an idiot. Obi-Wan told me that this weapon was my life. I'm not going to throw my life away, thank you very much."
Palpatine shrugged.
"Well in that case I'm screwed. Just get it over with."
Luke let out a ninja cry and cut up the Emperor, giving him enough street cred to be the only one awesome enough to compete with Chuck Norris.
