A/N: Here's the next-to-last chapter! And fair warning now: the last chapter might be a day late because I'm going on a family vacation today and I haven't quite finished that chapter yet. I only need a few more sentences, but I won't have the chance to right them down until late sunday or monday morning, lol. And I might tweak and reload this chapter at some point, but that's irrelevant for now. Read on!
Merlin watched from a distance as Arthur bid farewell to Lord Bayard, the two of them making plans for another visit sometime soon to further discuss various aspects of the new treaty they had signed. Bayard sent a wary glance in his direction but he smiled at Arthur as they parted so Merlin's presence couldn't have been too much of a deterrent. Arthur turned to King Alined next.
"You're still here," came a voice from over his shoulder. It made him jump. Annis stood behind him, a heavy tartan cloak thrown around her shoulders and a line of her servants trotting past to prepare her party for their departure. "You didn't participate in the talks, nor in Sarrum's trial. I would have thought that you had returned to your own kingdom by now."
"One of my men was injured in Sarrum's attack," Merlin told her. "I don't want to leave until he's stable enough to return with me."
Annis looked at him through narrowed eyes. "And I'm sure your continued presence has nothing to do with Sarrum's execution tomorrow," she said.
Merlin ducked his head. A part of him wanted to lie, to pretend that he was a better man than he was and would take no pleasure in witnessing the man's death, but there was something about Annis that stopped him from saying it. It wasn't that she invited confidences; it was more a sense that she would know if he wasn't being truthful and judge him harshly for it. She was so painfully frank in all of her dealings that it was difficult to be anything but forthcoming in return. So Merlin lifted his head high again and met her stare directly.
"I won't deny that I'm looking forward that," he said baldly. "He harmed several people that I care about and it is only due to Arthur's wisdom that I didn't strike him down where he stood."
Annis stepped closer to stand alongside him, turning to look out over the courtyard milling with horses and their assorted riders. "You sought revenge against Sarrum," she said, watching the sea of shifting colors.
"In that moment, yes."
"But not anymore?" Annis asked.
Merlin shook his head. "Revenge is never the path to take," he said. "To die by my hand would have made him a victim in his own right and me a murderer alongside him. For his death to come by a consensus of his peers as judgment for the crimes he has committed—that is justice."
Annis turned to look at him again, a small pinch between her eyebrows though her expression was still hard to read. "You admit your faults so readily?"
"Of course I do. How can we expect to mend our faults if we do not acknowledge them?" Merlin countered.
Annis's thin lips tugged up into a small smile. "I look forward to treating with you, Merlin Ambrosius," she said. She held out her hand and, after a moment of surprise, Merlin shook it firmly.
"And I with you, your Majesty," he said.
He watched her walk away, exchange a few words with Arthur, and mount her horse all in something of a daze. He had a feeling that interactions with her would always be a little bit daunting.
Arthur snapped fingers in front of his face. "Did I just see you having a chat with Annis?" he asked.
"I think she likes me," Merlin declared.
"A small miracle in and of itself," Arthur said with a roll of his eyes. He took Merlin the arm and towed him back toward the door. "Come on," he said. "Gwaine's back from seeing Gaius and he said that Mordred's awake and we're allowed to visit now."
Merlin followed him eagerly. It had been three days since the attack, three days since Mordred had taken a knife to the chest, and Gaius had been monitoring him closely. Merlin would have sat at Mordred's bedside every hour of every day, but for the most part Gaius was keeping everyone out of his chambers so that he would have room to work without distractions.
The only time he had let Merlin in was so that he could talk Merlin through a particularly tricky healing spell that he didn't have enough power to perform himself, and that had been two days ago. Otherwise, the only person allowed to come and go freely was Lady Cecily, who had taken to sleeping on the floor of Merlin's old room up the back stairs while Mordred occupied the bed there, and other patients needing treatment, like Gwaine with his mild concussion.
They passed by the ruined solar on their way to the physician's chambers. There were servants bustling in and out with buckets of water and brooms and handfuls of rags. The biggest pieces of debris had been removed but there were still scorch marks all over the stone walls and probably would be for some time, and the stone floor had a deep cracking through it from where Merlin had bombarded it with Kara's stolen magic.
"Sorry about all the mess in there," Merlin said for the dozenth time.
Arthur shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Most of it wasn't you anyway."
"I'm just glad the other monarchs didn't see any of the fight," Merlin said. "If they weren't intimidated by me before, they would have been after that."
"Definitely. Really, Merlin, you had me scared for a minute."
It was said with a laugh, but Merlin's stomach went cold and his heart dropped out of his chest. He didn't notice that he had stopped walking until Arthur turned back to see where he had gone.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice coming out hoarse. "I didn't mean to— You never need to be—"
"No," Arthur said immediately, coming back to stand before him and look him in the eye. "No, Merlin, that's not what I meant."
"Arthur, I—I never wanted you to be afraid of me. Never."
"Merlin, it wasn't you that I was afraid of in there," Arthur said, waving at the destroyed solar. "I know you far too well to ever fear you. You're practically a kitten, albeit one with claws sometimes."
Merlin almost managed a smile at that, but he still felt sick to his stomach. "Then what?" he asked, needing to hear it, needing to know that he hadn't damaged the easy friendship they had with what he had almost done.
"I was afraid that you were losing yourself," Arthur said gently. "You have always been the first to preach clemency and forgiveness, and to warn against committing violence for the sake of it. But you were so caught up in anger...I had just never seen you like that before."
Merlin swallowed hard around the lump of shame in his throat and could not bring himself to meet Arthur's eyes, even though there was no condemnation in anything that he said. "Thank you," he said. "For stopping me, I mean. I would have regretted it."
"I knew you would," Arthur said, reaching out to squeeze Merlin's shoulder. "Just as you knew that I would have regretted running my father through after I learned of my mother's fate. And that I would regret killing Caerleon. And any number of other times that you've been the voice of reason in my ear. It was about time that I returned the favor."
"Is it a bad sign that we keep needing to stop each other from killing people?" Merlin asked, grinning now. Arthur just ruffled his hair and strode off down the corridor again before he could retaliate—his go-to move now that Merlin could use magic to get him back in more and more creative ways. Merlin hurried to catch up, falling in at Arthur's side.
"Speaking of not killing people," Arthur said, earning himself a wary look from a passing maid. "Why did you spare Kara's life?"
Merlin chewed on his lip for a moment, shoving his hands in his pockets. "To save Mordred the heartache of losing her all over again. He's been through enough."
"She manipulated him, used him as a pawn."
"Morgana did the same to a lot of people," Merlin countered. "But you still mourned her passing, did you not? You still miss her even now?"
"Yes, I do," Arthur admitted. "She was my sister. In the end it didn't matter what she had done."
"I have done Mordred a lot of wrong in the time I've known him," Merlin said. "I didn't want to do him any more if I didn't have to."
Arthur was quiet for a long while, his brow furrowed in thought. "Kara used the same spell on Mordred that Morgana used on Guinevere, didn't she?" he asked eventually. "The bracelet that dredges up old feelings?"
"Wow, you really have been paying attention to all those magic lessons," Merlin said, impressed.
"I'm not completely thick, you know," Arthur said, rolling his eyes.
"I could argue that point, but I think I'll let it go this time."
"It would be in the best interests of your health to do so."
"Yes, in answer to your question, that is the spell that Kara used," Merlin said. "Which makes sense, considering she learned most of her magic from the tales Morgana told her. From what I can figure, it was originally just meant to bring back Mordred's devotion for her, his willingness to do anything that she asked of him. But Kara didn't have anywhere near Morgana's control or her finesse."
Merlin shook his head, remembering the harsh feel of Kara's magic, the crudeness of the enchantment. It was as if sheer force of will had made it work the way that she wanted.
"With Gwen, the enchantment didn't have to reach far to find what it was looking for," Merlin said. "A few years, two or three at most. With Mordred, it had to bypass thirteen years, and those years were full of turmoil and strife, so many other strong emotions. All of those other feelings got caught up in it. Kara was clever enough to make use of them, but it was unstable. Really, it's a wonder that the spell didn't drive him mad."
Arthur looked stricken. "He's alright, though?" he asked. "You're sure that he's going to be alright?"
"He'll be fine," Merlin told him. "He would have needed a few days of rest even if he hadn't been stabbed, but it didn't seem to have done him any lasting harm last time I saw him. And Gaius would have known if anything was wrong."
Arthur nodded, though he still looked a bit worried.
They had just come within sight of Gaius' door when Merlin stopped in his tracks again, this time with a groan. Raime was leaning against the wall outside the physician's chambers, arms crossed and looking torn between irritation and smugness. Merlin covered his face with his hands, as if that would stop Raime seeing him and thereby prevent the imminent conversation.
"Merlin, what on earth are you doing?" Arthur asked.
Merlin just groaned again.
"Is there some reason that you seem to be hiding from your manservant?"
Merlin dropped his hands with a huge sigh. "Because he was right and I didn't listen and he's going to be unbearably pleased with himself over it."
"Well, doesn't that sound like a familiar narrative." Arthur clapped him on the back and said, "Let's get it over with, shall we?" He all but shoved Merlin down the hall until Raime caught sight of them.
"There you are!" he cried. "I've been standing here for an hour!"
"So sorry to have kept you waiting," Merlin said dryly. "I assume that you hitched a ride with Gerund when he came to berate me for going off on my own to do dangerous things without backup again?"
"Yes, I did," Raime said. "And he's right about that, by the way, but that's not why I'm here."
"Seriously, Raime?" Merlin said. "Did you really come all this way just to say 'I told you so'?"
"Damn right I did!" he exclaimed. "And do you have anything to say in return?"
Merlin scowled at him, and then at Arthur when he raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oh, and in case you forgot," Raime said, ever so helpfully, "all of this could have been prevented if you had just listened to me when I told you that Kara had enchanted Mordred."
"Really, Merlin," Arthur drawled, not bothering to hide his amusement at the situation. "We kings should learn to listen to our manservants more often. They're almost always right."
"How do you do that?" Merlin asked peevishly. "How do you manage to insult me and retroactively compliment me at the same time? How?"
Arthur laughed. "I'm a man of many talents. Maybe you'll learn them some day."
"In the meantime, you have something to say to me," Raime said expectantly. "Don't you?"
"Fine, fine! You were right," Merlin finally said. "You were right about everything, and I was wrong to blow you off the way I did. I, of all people, should know better than to dismiss the word of a servant and I would be happy to give you a few days off to make up for it. Which, I might add, is more than Arthur ever offered me."
"Oi!" Arthur said, smacking Merlin in the arm. "That is not true!"
"It is so," Merlin insisted. "Remember that time you—"
"Oh, what would I do with days off anyway?" Raime said, thankfully interrupting their bickering before it could pick up momentum. "I'd just sit around all day doing nothing and being bored."
There was an expectant look on his face that said he had something else in mind. Merlin narrowed his eyes.
"Yeah? And what other sort of reward are you angling for?"
"I want you to take me up for a ride on Aithusa," Raime said.
"What?!"
Raime just kept smiling at him in that self-satisfied way and Merlin had to marvel at his audacity.
"He's not a horse!" Merlin objected. "You can't just demand that he carry you around for your own entertainment! That is far beneath the dignity of his noble breed."
Raime raised an eyebrow at him.
"Fine," Merlin said, crossing his own arms to match his manservant's stubborn stance. "I will ask Aithusa if he would be willing to give you a ride, but I can't guarantee that he'll agree to it."
"That's good enough for me," Raime said with a bright, excited smile.
"Are we good then?" Merlin asked.
"We're good." Raime held out his hand and Merlin shook it.
"Well, if you two are done rabbiting on," Arthur said, brushing past them toward the physician's chambers, "I have a man down to visit."
"He's my man down," Merlin grumbled, but he followed in Arthur's wake anyway.
Gaius was out doing his rounds, which was as good an indication of Mordred's improving health as anything else. The door to the back room was pushed mostly closed and all was quiet so Merlin pulled Arthur back and shushed him, just in case Mordred was sleeping. Arthur rolled his eyes, but he let Merlin creep past him to peer through the gap between door and frame.
Mordred was lying in bed, still bandaged and pale, with his head in Cecily's lap. She was leaned up against the headboard, smiling down at him and running her fingers absently through his hair. Her other hand rested on Mordred's chest and as Merlin watched he reached up to take it in his own, threading their fingers together.
"Oh, you two are just sickeningly adorable. I hope you know that," Raime said loudly from over Merlin's shoulder. Merlin nearly pushed him back down the stairs.
The lovebirds both startled and turned bright red in the face. Cecily immediately chivvied Mordred off her lap and leapt to her feet, straightening her tunic and babbling excuses and explanations too quickly for anyone to actually understand what she was saying, and then blustered right past them and out the door. Mordred just threw his arm over his face to avoid looking at any of them.
Merlin turned to Raime, hands on hips in his best imitation of his mother. "Look here. Do you see what you did?"
Raime shrugged, completely unconcerned by his own lack of tact. He yelped as Arthur took him by the arm and started pulling him toward the door.
"I'm just going to take this one away before he can embarrass the poor man any further," Arthur said. "Tell Mordred that I'll come back to visit him later."
Merlin waved cheerily at them as they disappeared out the door, Raime protesting loudly the whole way. Then he leaned against the doorframe and looked around the little room that he had inhabited for so long. It didn't look much different now than it had then. It was neater by far, with fewer clothes strewn haphazardly across the floor, but otherwise it was comfortingly familiar.
"I miss this room," he said. "Not that I don't appreciate my new feather mattress and everything, but there's something to be said for simplicity."
Mordred grunted into his elbow.
Merlin chuckled. He dropped into the chair set by the bedside, the one that Cecily had ignored in favor of cuddling with her beau.
"How are you feeling?" Merlin asked, his smile dimming a bit.
Mordred finally stopped hiding and tried to push himself upright, giving a gasp of pain as his arms gave out in the attempt. Merlin reached out to help, propping him up against one of the numerous fluffy pillows that Arthur had had brought in for him.
"I've been better," Mordred said with a grimace. "But, to be fair, I've also been worse."
"Always looking on the bright side, you are."
Mordred offered him a small smile. "Gaius says with a few more healing spells I should be fit to travel short distances by tomorrow."
"That's great," Merlin said. "Though it might be safer to wait one more day, make sure you're alright."
"No, Merlin, it needs to be tomorrow."
"And why's that?" Merlin asked when he didn't move to explain.
"I shouldn't be here," Mordred said, almost too quietly for Merlin to hear.
Merlin frowned, taken aback. "Why not?"
"You know why, Merlin," he said, hands clenching into fists, tangling in the bed sheets. "For the same reason that you nearly let me die all those years ago. I'm a danger to Arthur and I always will be."
Merlin cursed internally; he had been afraid that this might happen, that everything that had gone down with Kara might make Mordred doubt himself all over again. He had just started being comfortable around Arthur again, comfortable in his own skin. Damn Kara for pushing him back to that place, the one where he didn't trust himself.
"That's ridiculous," Merlin told him plainly.
"I nearly killed him!" Mordred said and his voice cracked. "I nearly killed you!"
"No, Mordred, you didn't," Merlin insisted, leaning forward and making sure that Mordred looked him in the eye. "Kara did. All of that was her doing, not yours."
"But I still—"
"You made an oath," Merlin said. "And you kept it. You swore that you would never harm Arthur and in the end, you didn't."
"But I could have. I almost did, and I still could." Mordred had tears in his eyes. "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Maybe I'll do it of my own will and maybe I won't, but what does it matter how or why? It is my fate to be Arthur's end!"
"The future is not written in stone, Mordred," Merlin said. "It can be changed. We can change it. And who's to say that we haven't already?"
Mordred shook his head, disbelieving. "What does my oath mean if my actions aren't guaranteed to be my own? If Kara can just waltz in and take over my mind and—"
"Kara isn't an issue anymore."
A thick silence hung over them for a long moment. Mordred seemed to be chewing on his tongue, his fingers plucking nervously at the blankets.
"Cecily said that you took her magic away," Mordred said, his eyes downcast.
"Yes."
"I didn't know that you could do that."
"I didn't either," Merlin admitted. "I had wondered if it might be possible, theoretically. I thought that it was worth a try if it would let me subdue her without loss of life."
"Where is she now? What will happen to her?"
Mordred was trying to sound as though he didn't care about the answers, but Merlin knew him too well by now to be fooled by the facade of detachment. Merlin leaned back in his chair once more, watching Mordred closely.
"She's in the dungeons," he told him. "And she will be banished from both kingdoms."
"Not executed?" Mordred asked, looking up at him. "Why?"
"She suffered much under the Pendragon regime," Merlin said. "Arthur figured that he owed her at least that much as reparation for his own crimes against her and her kind. She was justified in her hatred of him, in some ways if not in others."
"That won't satisfy her," Mordred said.
"We know. But without her magic, she isn't much of a threat to us anymore. We're giving her a chance to live a life unburdened by her magic and all the darkness that came with it." Merlin shrugged. "If she chooses to throw that chance away, then that's on her and we will respond accordingly."
"Could...could I see her?" Mordred asked, sounding very young. "Before she's escorted to the border. Could I talk to her one last time?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" She had hurt him so much; Merlin worried how much more damage she could do to him even now.
"I just need to say goodbye," Mordred whispered. "I never got to say it the last time."
Merlin nodded, the empathy a dull ache in his chest. "Far be it for me to deny you that," he said.
Merlin pushed himself to his feet. "I'll let you rest," he said. "I'll get Percival to come by later and he can help you down to the dungeons. If Gaius clears you for it, of course. I'm going back to Carthis tonight—I've already been gone twice as long as I had planned to be and Ellison's at the end of his rope—but I'll be back tomorrow for Sarrum's execution, and I'll take you home with me after."
He was halfway down the stairs to the main room when Mordred's voice reached him, soft and tentative.
"Did you get to say goodbye?"
Merlin turned back, confused.
"To Freya," Mordred said. "Did you get to say goodbye to her?"
The memory of a mountain lake surrounded by wildflowers overtook Merlin, the crisp smell of impending snow and the glint of sunlight on tranquil waters, and the way that Freya had smiled at him in her last moments.
"Yes," he said. "I did. And I'm thankful for it every day."
"I did love Kara once," Mordred said. "A long time ago."
"It never fades," Merlin said. "No matter how much time passes, and no matter the bad things they may have done. But you need to look forward, Mordred. After all, there's always a new love waiting for you. Isn't there?"
Mordred smiled then, genuine and warm. "Yeah, there is."
"I'll send Cecily back in, if I run into her," Merlin said, returning the grin with such a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows that Gwaine would be proud. Only one of the pillows Mordred threw at him connected before he made it out the door.
