I don't know man. . .

"Help her in Joe." At her command, a hand wraps firmly around my arm and leads me to the side. When the van hits my knees, he places a hand on the back of my head and guides me in to the warm car.

Honestly the drive hasn't been too bad at all. In fact, it has been almost fun. I am sitting between the boy with dreads, Joe, and the Asian guy, 'Boy-Chang'. Kurt, the white guy had been moved to the back row with Evans and Kitty. The two of them kind of remind me of the Brady bunch. Quinn is apparently driving and Brittany/Ti just laughs and listens mostly- occasionally one of them will make a sarcastic comment or something, but mostly neither do. I was quiet and brooding in my own discomfort at the beginning, but i was added to the conversation quickly. My sharp comments weren't even fazing them. It is weird really.

"So this is initiation? Being kidnapped then blindfolded?" I ask finally. If this is it, no matter how nice these people are, this is lame. Even in cheer we haze for initiation. Well, i haze- freshman cry. A few chuckles float around me and i shrug, asking with my body for a explanation.

"This is part one." Kitty announces from the back. I wait for her to continue, but no one does.

"And . ." i interject, pushing for anyone to carry on. The only sound i hear is rustling and shifting in seats. Something gives me the feeling they are all looking at the front- almost as if they are asking for permission. Finally the airy sigh i have come to associate with Ti flows through the vehicle.

"And none of us can tell you." I slouch back into my seat and cross my arms in front of my chest. Ti snorts at the pout resting on the visible parts of my face. "Patience fresh meat." She scolds in the same voice as when she was telling me to be good.

"My name is-"

"Shush Lil Jenny." She cuts off again. I hesitate for a moment caught on the name. Jenny? No mi gusta.

"Jenny?" That will not be my nickname.

"Like Jenny From the Block." I cock my head a little and she twists in her seat. Snickers from around me pull heat up my cheeks. "You know. 'Don't be fooled by the rocks that i got, I'm still Jenny from the block'"

My blank expression seems to astonish her.

"Jenny? J-Lo? Jennifer Lopez? Like the hottest woman alive?" My mouth curls at the response - isn't J-Lo like almost 50 or something? Well Madonna is in her 50s i think and she is- what am i even thinking?

"Ok," Quinn snorts, "No sexy latina celebrity nicknames. ." I scowl, though they can't see it. Scoffs fill the car and i color under the attention.

"Whatever." I snip indifferently, straightening my back and pushing back my shoulders. Boy-Chang nudges into me, laughing at my snobby pout. When i don't break the pout he starts banging on the side of the car.

"Oh i think that i-" i grimace at the words and protest loudly, but my voice is lost as everyone in the car joins in - even Ti and Quinn.

"found myself a cheerleader, she is always right there when i need her. ."

Again i am indulged in the silly banter and sing along of the car. Soon enough, the singing changes. A window is opened and the scent of smoke fills the car. Stace holds her cigarette to my lips and instructs me to inhale. I do as told and the smoke burns into my lungs. I cough and tears prick into my eyes as the sting in my nose fades. The others chuckle but convince me to try again until i get it. Though i cannot see, i hear those around me fall unto sleep. Soon it is just the soft acoustic songs floating through the speakers and the breaths of the others.

"Quinn?" I venture quietly. I don't believe i have talked to her - just us - this whole time. Or ever really. She makes a noise to show she is listening. I catch my bottom lip between my teeth and will myself to ask her a question. "Why am i here?" She is quiet for a moment. I wonder briefly if she could some how be offended at all by that. I almost apologize, but the speaks before i have the chance.

"Do you remember last year? The party i mean." My stomach aches with the memory. Of course i remember the party. Ghosts of hot skin and sloppy kisses roll through me. According to everyone there, she pushed me down to the couch and forced herself onto me. I was too drunk to stop it and we were to hot for anyone else to. According to those same people, i have no recollection of the night at all. They are wrong. I remember everything from my pleas and her hesitance to the way i pulled her down on me and she gave in mercifully. Never with boys had i ever felt the way i had kissing her. I have tried denying it to everyone - including myself - but it is what it is. I like kissing her - kissing girls. I fought really hard to convince others that i don't like it, but soon i realized everyone else thought nothing of it. Just some horny drunk girls in search of a warm body. It boosted both of our reps, so i just dropped the fight against myself and focused harder on how to criticize her hair for the attention of others.

"Yeah," i answer hazily, my voice raspy with shame."I do."

"I figured then that maybe you aren't such an awful little shit. You are just a bitch-in-denial who for some reason won't come out of the flannel, lady-loving closet." She continues, i can practically hear the shrug in her snarkily truthful answer. "But, i thought that you for sure wouldn't drop the defenses this quickly."

She chuckles breathily to herself. I want to refuse her words. To laugh in her face and slice her accusations with well placed insults. And normally i would do just that, but for some reason i can't. She is absolutely right. I am a bitch. Why? Cause i need to be perfect. Perfect now. Perfect when i get a cheer scholarship. Perfect when i graduate collage with a degree that insures money and the wall between my happiness. Perfect when i get a job and marry some well-off rich white dude. Perfect when he screws me in a way i will never find any joy in. Perfect when i pop out 2.5 little devils. Perfect when i go their PTA shit. Perfect. Perfect. Fucking Perfect.

A lump forms in my throat. Whether it be anger, sorrow, or anything else - it is there because i finally have realized what i should have always known. Perfect is supposed to be exactly what i want. It has always been what i want. But no, it really isn't. What do i want? My stomach lurches with the question. I never hesitated before with this answer. What is it that i want?

"Wakey Wakey Fresh Meat." Evans teases from behind me. I remain frozen to the spot - every muscle clenched and strained under my skin.

What do i want?

"Stop teasing Evans. I remember you peed your pants during your initiation." The cool voice of Ti washes over me. Boy-Chang's calloused hand touches mine gently. "You will do just fine Cheerleader." I should feel calmed at his kindness, but i can't not when so much is resting on this.

What do i want?

He leads my stiff limbs out of the car, but keeps my hand in his. I feel the others moving around my body, but all i can do is stand here and try hopelessly to catch a grip on my own mind. It is tearing up at the stupid, stupid question.

What do i want?

I try to focus on my surroundings. The sound of a breeze echoes suspiciously. Sharp cool air pierces me in every which way. I flinch as i feel the warmth of someones hand close to my face. The hand pauses for only a second before wiggling beneath the opaque fabric covering my eyes. The softness of the fingers tells me it has to be Quinn. The others all have tough skin. Why? Still not sure. But for some reason Quinn is still soft. Maybe that will change in two weeks. My eyes adjust quickly to the night around me. My jaw drops as i do. Under a dark velvety sky filled with twinkling lights is a rocky tan incline. The weak, stiff grass crunches under me as i shift. The echoing wind comes from behind the landmass. Around me the others move. Boy-Chang unlatches his hand with a final squeeze and sidles up to the pale guy - Kurt and Kitty. Joe and Evans are in front of them, jogging up the mountain. Quinn stays in front of me. She grins as Ti whispers words of encouragement. Suddenly Ti is inches in front of me. Something patters silently on the ground between us, but i am to entranced by the blonde before me. Her hand skates up my arm and curls at the nape of my neck. It is all i can do not to groan at the contact. That heat shoots through me again, but it is definitely not rage like i thought it was before. Maybe i am nervous. That must be it. Either way, it happens and i focus on her startling eyes.

"Time to show us what you are made of Sweetheart." She smirks, but something genuine shines through her expression as she studies me. "See you on the other side Fresh Meat."

She slips away and strides after the others leaving me and Quinn. I look down to see what must have slipped from her pocket or something. First i see the orange then the white then the bright yellow ring at the tip. It is Ti's half smoked cigarette.

"You never answered." I murmur weakly - my voice is tiny and unstable. I should look to Quinn, but for some reason, i watch the cigarette on the ground. Bending down, i take the thing and roll it gingerly between my thumb and my index finger. "Why am I here?"

What i ask isn't what i mean and we both know it. What do i want? That that is what i am asking. Tenderly, i lift the cigarette to my lips and suck in clumsy with inexperience. I blow out quickly and finally look to Quinn who has been staring at me.

"You aren't what you think you are. Let's see if you are one of us." She barely rattles off the words before she is gone. It takes me a moment to process that she just took off, and another moment to kick my body into motion after her.

Three hours ago, i wouldn't have been sprinting after this stupid lady dick. Twelve hours ago i would have scoffed and tried to shove her to the ground before she got too far. But people change. I guess some changes are just more sudden than others. Whether this change came from my closeness with Ti for a handful of seconds or Quinn's sudden reveal that i might finally have a place somewhere - either way, i am now who i am now. And who i am is apparently a huge blind klutz with a lit cigarette between her fingers who is lucky to be in better shape than her leader.

I have no chance of falling into any sort of pattern. I keep my eyes locked on Quinn's feet, being extremely careful to only step where she is stepping. Though i trip occasionally, i do make it to be about a yard behind her body. I chase the girl in jerky zig zags up the rocky terrain. She slows a bit near the top, i (ignorantly believing that was it) take a cocky drag from the cig. Suddenly, i see it. A giant gaping hole - no, Canyon. Without any sort of hesitation, Quinn sprints right up near the edge and leaps into the air. She soars gracefully over the gap and lands on her toes. She needs no recovery as her legs begin to pump again. Smoke blows from my mouth as i release the breath i hadn't realized i had been holding. I watch Quinn disappear, completely unscathed, before looking back at the gap. This is my initiation? Risking my life to jump over a fucking canyon? And for what - to be in this. . this stupid club? I hesitate at the thought. No - this wouldn't be for the club. There is more to this than a handful of misfits. What then would it be for?

Turning back i see the metal of the van glinting in the moonlight. There is nothing but stillness and darkness encasing it. I could go back down there and find where my phone is. I could call the police or my parents and report this kidnapping. I could have everything i always wanted: friends, family, cheer, everything. I could go back to being Perfect.

I shudder and clench my jaw at the word. As much as i have always wanted perfect, there has always been something roiling and quaking beneath the surface. I am not Perfect. I don't need Perfect. I never needed Perfect.

My gaze snaps to the obstacle in front of me. Is this what i need though?

The hot skin and sloppy wet kisses of Quinn and my drunk expedition burn with in me, the memory of her against me seeping down beneath my bone.

Shuddering through my scoff, i lift the stick to my lips and inhale sharply. Before the smoke even fills my lungs, i burst out in a full sprint.

What i want - no, what i need - is not perfection. Nor has it ever been perfection.

I pump my legs faster. Left-Right-Left-Right.

No. What i need-

The edge is getting closer.

What i have always needed-

The wind echoing though the cavernous walls is no match for the pounding of blood and adrenaline in my ears.

All i will ever need is-

With an animalistic roar, i throw myself from the edge. Nothing but moonlight and freezing air surrounds me.

-is

Freedom.