The concert Panic! played in the evening was great as always. I had been to a few concerts of them before of course, but it was a different point of view when you're touring with them and watching everything from behind. The process was the same every concert. I knew when they would play which song and I also knew when Brendon would take his shirt off. But this time it was different. It was an awkward feeling and somehow I couldn't stand it. I ran outside and back to the tour bus because I couldn't abide it. There was no chance to explain this, but I felt too uneasy when I saw him taking his shirt off. It's just Brendon, I kept telling myself. One of your brother's best friends. I went to the small bathroom in the bus and locked the door. When I looked into the mirror I saw tears streaming down my face. What had changed? Why had I fallen in love with him? Why had my feelings changed so much? I kept questioning myself all of these things, when I was sitting on the floor. I couldn't tell how long I was sitting there. I had thought of going back to the concert and acting like nothing happened, but I didn't think that this would be the right choice at the moment. Maybe I should have gone back there, I thought, when someone knocked on the door. Okay, so they were finished. I tried to catch something before, but I couldn't hear anything of the concert inside the bus, so I had no chance. "Emma?", someone called from outside the room. It was Dallon, I noticed his voice. "Is everything alright?"
Maybe I should talk to him. There was no choice to talk to someone from the band or team. The first thing they'll probably do is telling Brendon that I had a crush on him. But maybe telling Dallon was okay. It would be suspicious if I told him everything was fine. Plus the fact that he had noticed it anyway...
I unlocked the door.
"What has happened?", he asked as he locked the door again and sat down next to me. We were more sitting upon each other...the space inside here was much too small.
He looked worried when he saw my face. I had cried a lot and probably didn't look good covered in make-up which was all over my face.
"You were right, I guess...", I began and hoped he would understand. "You know...at the concert...I couldn't stand it anymore in this moment...Dallon, I'm so unsure, I don't know how to behave now...", I said and started to cry a bit again. My brother layed his arms around my shoulders and hugged me. At least he wasn't angry with me or something like this. Not that it made anything easier, but...well.
"Hey, I know. That's why I told you this earlier. Although I wasn't really fair. Love is not a choice...", he said and I sighed.
"Stop crying", Dallon went on, "we will manage this, okay?" I nodded because I didn't know what else to do. But I felt better in some way. It was a good choice to talk to Dallon. He really was a great big brother, he was right. I could always come and talk to him if something bothers me.
"Emma? Dallon?", I heard now Brendon's voice outside the cabin. "You in there?"
I tried to sound confident when I answered. "Everything fine!"
Dallon got up again and smiled at me again. "I won't tell him. But he will find it out soon anyway", he whispered to me so Brendon wouldn't be able to hear anything. Then he went out again, but Brendon luckily wasn't able to see me, because I was somewhere behind the door in this smallest room in the whole world. That's what I felt like.
"She's okay", Dallon told Brendon, "she was a bit sick, but she's already getting better."
"Should I...?", Brendon asked hesistant.
"No, it's okay. She will get out there in a minute", my brother said and I heard him walked away. I also got up and looked in the mirror. I really looked terrible. I waited a minute until Brendon followed Dallon. I tried to get my make-up alright, but it wasn't easy. In the end I was taking it all of and putting new one on. It looked as nothing has happened. Now I just had to hope that nobody would notice that I had cried, I thought as I went out.
I made myself ready to face Brendon when I went into our small living room. I heard loud voices, they were all discussing the concert. But when I went in everybody was looking at me and asking if I was alright. I nodded and kept telling them that I felt sick, but that it was okay again. I avoided Brendon's eyes and sat down on the floor next to them. They really seemed to be worried about me, but they were starting to talk about the concert again. I was sitting there and listening. It seemed like they were playing a really good show tonight. I tried to look over to Brendon to watch his face, but he looked at me. He pointed on me and formed something that looked like "You fine?" I nodded and smiled. He smiled back, although his face looked like he was thinking something different...The other boys were just discussing who was going to take a shower first. Dallon won and got up. When he went out he stopped and stroke my head.
"Go to bed. You look tired", he said, but in his look was definitely something more. I nodded and also got up. I managed to wish the other one's a good night – also Brendon. Everyone got a hug and I went to my small bunk. I had managed to give them the impression that I was feeling alright again. But when I had closed the little curtain that parted my bunk from the other one's, I started to cry silently.
