Emma walked into the room with as little grace as she felt. It was after three in the morning and she had been down at the Rabbit Hole for the most part of the night. She cried to the tender and for herself. She was past the point of no return just after midnight, but kept on truckin' through until last call at 2:30, and now she was at the hospital, she couldn't think of anywhere else to be. Home felt less like home and more like a prison sentence, and Regina had company. She was all alone, she was a burden.

Emma fell into the chair beside the bed, and after one look at Henry she fell into a deep sleep.

It was hours later when she was violently shaken awake by large hands on her shoulder, she came to and her head felt like it was going to explode, the blare of monitors didn't help any.

"Miss Swan you need to leave." A nurse said, now Emma noticed that behind him, Henry was surrounded by nurses and a doctor she didn't recognize.

"What's going on?" She asked. "Henry?" She began to tear up, she couldn't think of the way that her brain felt like it was bleeding, or the way that she smelled like cheap liquor and puke, or the way that the man was pulling her out of the room. Henry, he's all she could see.

"Ma'am, please!" The nurse yelled, she looked defeated and stepped out with him.

"What the fuck?" She called when he walked away. Emma put her hands on her head and began to cry. "What the fuck." She whispered. She watched through the windows as the doctors shined a light in his eye and pulled out the defibrillator.

Emma didn't understand what was happening, her world was spinning a million miles an hour but all in slow motion. "Clear!" He yelled. Nothing. "Clear!" He yelled again. "Dammit, kid." He shook his head. Emma was about to move into the room when they began wheeling Henry out.

"Hey," She grabbed one of the nurses. "what's happening?" She asked.

"I uh-" The nurse looked back to the commotion and yanked her arm away from Emma. "I don't know." Was all she said and ran off. "I really don't." She turned quickly and went in the direction they had taken her son. Emma looked around helplessly then took place back in that bright orange room, where she fell against the wall and tried to steady her breathing.

It had been hours, no, it hadn't but each second felt like a minute and time was passing so slowly that it was almost as if it wasn't. It had been months, two exactly since Henry fell into his coma and nothing, not since that second week and he had a moment of activity. Now, this. What was this?

All she could do was hope.

Hope that he would be okay and that she wouldn't have to say goodbye to her baby when he was no longer her baby, and just a cold shell of who he used to be. Hope.

She never came, because that's what she lost. Hope, she had none, she only had fear, and staying as far away from him made her feel that it wasn't real. That he was just on a trip or whatever else she could fool herself into thinking for a few brief days until she slapped herself back into reality and saw how awful it was to act like her son didn't exist. To act like none of this was real. That didn't make her a bad mother did it? To be in denial. No, that's not what made her a bad mother. What made her a bad mother was instead of grieving and processing and preparing for the possibility that he could die or come back disabled, she was out with Regina, trying to forget.

That's why she was a bad mother, that's why she didn't deserve to have Henry even for the time that she did, because if he knew that this is what she would become, he would never have loved her because she was acting as if she didn't love him. But she did. Of course she did.

"Emma Swan?" A doctor swung into the room, looking grim. Did they always look like that? Or was it bad news?

"Yes." She stood.

"Well, this morning your son's brain began to bleed at an almost unsustainable rate. It was so sudden that we didn't realize until his heart rate slowed to an almost obsolete speed."

Emma was on edge, she couldn't handle all this explaination. "Okay, and?"

"And," The doctor was looking at his hands. "We were able to stop the bleeding and stabilize him, but he's breathing from a machine, his heart is beating with the help of a pace maker."

"Okay?" She began to walk off, towards Henry, but he stopped her.

"Miss Swan." The doctor began. "Your son, he- well, he won't ever be able leave this bed." He told.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that, I think you should say your goodbyes." Then he walked off. Emma swallowed back tears and turned wearily on her heels into the trauma room, where Henry lay cold and paler than before. She sat beside him, kissed his palm and held it to her face as she began to sob, more than she had before, uncontrollably so. It was as if all the pain that this brought forth was just now coming to the surface. She shook and shuddered, there was no end. Not that she could see. God, this pain would never end.

Emma sat on the curb staring up into the Sun. It didn't burn her eyes as she studied it and the colors that it caused her to see aside it. This didn't feel real, it couldn't be real because her son was gone. Gone, and she was still here?

What kind of world she was living in where she had outlived her baby boy she didn't know, and she wouldn't have to find out because this wasn't real. She stood and began to walk in the direction of her home, or at least this is where she thought it was.

West, away from the sun that was almost at the center of the sky. She walked to the left of the road, in the dirt, cars passed her by, but they weren't real. If she energy she would walk into the road, just to show that the cars would drive right through her and she'd be just fine, because this wasn't real. What was real if not this?

Emma returned home just as the sun began to set, she fell into the door, she didn't have the energy anymore to open it, so she stayed there and fell asleep, crying, she thought.

It was night when she came back to, the chill of the night must have stirred her, and she was now sober and awake, she knew two things; she could see her breath and her son was dead, she had him killed. They asked if she wanted to turn off life support after she'd been sitting in her trance for over two hours by his bedside. It was all so sudden, but she said her goodbyes, and even if Henry would come back to her, he would never be able to be a kid again, that's not what she wanted for him.

It was better this way, they said. She had to agree, she had to.

Emma dug into her pockets and fished out the keys, she sniveled and headed into the house, moving straight to Henry's room, she stepped in. It didn't smell like him, it smelled like laundry, the detergent she'd used to wash his sheets every week so they'd be clean and fresh when he came home to them. If.

She locked the door from the inside and closed it, quarantine. Emma felt heavy, but she was glad to have slept even if it were only for a couple of hours, and sitting outside on her porch. She fell down onto the couch and switched on the TV, but her cable bill hadn't been paid, the blue of the notice filled the space, she turned the offending electronic off and sighed. She looked around the dark house where she could only see the outline of things, chairs, the head of the sink, table, lamp. It's a good thing she isn't afraid of the dark. She chuckled, Henry always needed a nightlight.

It was so bright, the house was filled to the absolute limit with the sunlight that didn't just drip, but spilled in from the world of windows that decorated almost every wall. She looked around slowly, finding it hard to recognize that this was her house and she lived here. Now, she lived here alone.

"Stop, Emma." She pinched her wrist so hard that it started to bleed. Emma stood and went to the shower that resided in her room, she turned it on cold, she stripped and stepped under the pelting spray. It wasn't long before she was numbed by the cold, she turned up the heat and left no room for chill as she felt her skin welt up under the sensation, he eyes began to water and she closed them, turning the cold off all the way as the heat intensified. That's where she remained, until the water ran cold again, and that's when she washed her hair. Then her body, then her face, and the water was turned off as she stepped out, feeling clean but no where near refreshed.

Emma slid out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth and through her hair, she threw on a pair of pink panties under a dark green and gray hoodie that was three sizes too big. She then went into the kitchen, only to find it void of any substance other than an old sandwich that she'd made but never ate, it looked to have already grown furry friends. It wasn't like she wanted to eat anyhow. So, she sat back on the couch and decided instead to watch Netflix, because she knew that was paid for. It was.

So she spent all day watching Nurse Jackie, which would usually be pretty funny. Maybe she laughed twice at some dark humor, that was a start. That afternoon someone came to the door, knocked for about ten minutes, Emma had closed the curtains when they created a glare, so no one could see in, but she was sure they could hear the voices that strew from the speaker. Maybe that's why they knocked so long.

A couple of hours after the knocking, she had opened the door to find a note, in red she saw her name written in messy print. She ripped it open, taking a seat on the porch step.

Emma,

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, I can't imagine and I know that sorry isn't what you want to hear, but it's all I can give you over this note because you didn't answer the door. There really aren't any words that I could say that will make any of this make any sense or be any consolation. Come see me, when you're ready. I want to be there for you. I am there for you, even if you don't want me, you don't really see it or care but like it or not, we're friends, and I care about you.

Ruby

Emma sighed and she felt her throat close, she folded the note and shook her head as she headed back inside after taking a deep breath. She didn't know what to do with this friendship, but she was glad that Ruby was offering it. Maybe, probably. It's a good thing, because she didn't want to be alone any more, she couldn't she felt like the walls were creeping in on her, so she grabbed her keys and got in the car. For a brief moment as she passed Regina's gate she wondered what she was doing, but then she remembered her sister, and the wedding and she was glad. Emma hoped she didn't know, she didn't want her to know, she didn't need this burden.

It was only when she was outside Ruby's apartment that she realized she had forgotten to put on pants. Emma almost laughed, it was too good. She called the girl, just so she didn't have to wait out without pants in the cold chill that was November.

"Emma." Ruby answered quietly. "What's up?"

"I'm uh-" She laughed. "outside your place."

"Oh, well come up, I'll buzz you in."

"Ruby,"

"Yeah?"

"I forgot to put on pants. I-" Emma went on.

Ruby laughed into the phone. "Hold on, I'll be down in a minute." Emma smiled lightly and hung up the phone. Minutes later Ruby knocked on her window with a pair of shorts. Emma opened the door and slipped them over her legs. Ruby waited until she had the item on to pull her into a warm and tight hug. Emma melted into the taller girl, who she saw was wearing attire similar to hers, only with leggings and a black hoodie with a red circle dead center.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, and it sounded like she was about to cry.

"Me too." Emma muttered into her chest as her eyes swelled and her throat closed again. Ruby pulled away, holding on to Emma's shoulders and she smiled.

"Let's go inside." She said and with her arm around the blonde, they headed in.

This was the first time she'd been in Ruby's place and it was cozier than she'd expected, with a velveteen couch and middle eastern rugs it looked cozy. Like a room above a coffee shop, there were books and magazine everywhere, with different colors of blankets thrown around.

"Belle, she decorated." She explained upon Emma's examination. "I like it, but I would have gone modern. It's home though, so whatever." Ruby sighed. "Hungry?" She asked.

"No, I'm uh, fine." She said.

"Have you eaten today?" Emma shook her head. "Then you're eating. Sit, anywhere." She said and Ruby went into the kitchen, so Emma followed and sat at the counter on a spinning stool, she twisted it as Ruby moved about the tile.

"Want a drink? I need a drink." She said as she pulled out two wine glasses. "We'll be semi classy, just for the night." She opened the fridge. "I drink the boxed wine because I can't tell the difference and it all makes me tired either way." She pressed the button and filled the glasses up all the way.

"Thanks, yeah, I never got what the big deal was either." Emma accepted the glass and took a sip. "Regina, she- she's obsessed with the stuff, but she'll go and spend three hundred on a bottle and drink it all in a night." Emma shrugged. "I never said anything but I never got it, either." She said.

Ruby slid a pizza into the oven then slammed it. "Sorry." She said to the oven and turned to Emma. "Couch?" Emma nodded and they sat together and sipped their wine. "So, you and Regina?" Ruby asked.

Emma nodded. "Yeah, we've been spending time together since Hen- since the accident." She stopped herself, not wanting to say his name aloud. Not yet.

"How is that?" Ruby asked.

"It's great, she's wonderful, really helps me through it, well not really, she just makes me forget most of the time." Emma swirled her glass.

"I'm glad you found someone." Ruby smiled, Emma did as well.

"How's Belle?" Emma asked.

"She's out visiting family in Australia. I don't remember exactly where, but it's down there somewhere. She'll be back in a couple of weeks." She smiled.

"Oh, you must miss her." Emma added.

Ruby shrugged. "Yeah, but part of the reason she left so early is because she wanted to get away from me." She said. "I mean, yeah, she was supposed to leave next week for Thanksgiving and I was supposed to go with her, but she- she wanted to get away from me."

"Are you okay?" She asked.

"I'm yeah-" She looked shocked, "Pft, I can't even complain, I'm sure you don't want to hear about my shitty relationship."

Emma smiled. "What are friends for?" She asked. "Tell me."

Ruby looked around the room and sighed heavily, leaning on her arm after taking a sip of wine. "I mean, I don't know what happened, I just went out to have drinks with Kathryn and her husband then as I'm ordering a drink she rushes in all pissed about nothing and picks a fight about how I need to grow up and stop going out all the time. I mean, I laughed at her, like right in her face, she was pissed about that because, well, I guess I 'd be pissed if she laughed when I was being serious. I laughed and she took my drink and poured it down my shirt, and I grabbed her because, I don't want my clothes to smell like fucking gin and she tries to pull away but I guess she twisted wrong and sprained her wrist, she looked so-" Ruby shakes her head. "She looked so hurt and I don't think it was because of the wrist, but I hurt her Emma. You know?" Emma nods. "I didn't mean to, I di- I just forget how weak she is, small and frail, and I forgot. I shouldn't have even touched her." Ruby sniffs. "Anyways, she ran out and I didn't go after her, I thought she'd want her space. I guess I was too fucking drunk to use common sense, because Belle always wants to solve things right away, but you know me. I got home late, she was packing. Said she was leaving early. She did, and she texted me when she got there, but won't answer my calls, nothing."

"She seems to have overreacted." Emma sided.

Ruby smiled. "You don't have to side with me, Em. I know I fucked up. I'm doing better, I'm only drinking in my house!" She said excitedly.

"That's definitely a step in the right direction." Emma chuckled.

"I know, I'm trying, I can't loose her. I don't want to, not after all this, especially not over something this stupid."

"I get it." Emma said.

"Plus I'm going to be thirty in like four years, I do need to grow up. I mean I'm cool with spending my twenties in a blur, but when the big 3-0 comes around I don't want to be left to pick up the pieces."

"You can still have fun, Rubes, just not all the time." Emma assured.

"Yeah," Ruby downed her wine and sighed just as the timer went off, she pushed herself off the couch. "Food?" She extended her hand, Emma took it.

"Food." She replied.