On Assignment

Chapter One: Week Zero

Magical Miscellany: On Assignment

Week Zero

When I said I knew nothing about Muggle culture, I wasn't exaggerating. My last exposure to anything Muggle was the required Muggle Studies course I took in my seventh year of Hogwarts. While this may have been helpful to me now in normal circumstances, the course was taught by the Carrow siblings of Death Eater fame. Dropping me into the land of no magic would have been just as effective as sending a Russian peasant boy who hasn't ever left his village into Hogsmeade and expecting him to return with a basic knowledge of wizarding culture within the year. In other words, a disaster. It was time for a cram session in the basics of Muggle living, and a visit to Hogwarts to meet with Muggle Studies professor Carmen Thomas.

Carmen started out first things first. "It's... well, not offensive, but demeaning to refer to non-magical people as Muggles," she explained. "It's best to say non-magical people, or NMP." Political correctness, check. This wasn't going to be too horrible, was it?

Day One was dedicated to an aspect of living "under cover" that the majority of witches and wizards have the most trouble with: wardrobe. "I can't tell you the number of times I've had to stop magical folk on the street to let them know that their attire was less than unnoticeable." Carmen had the look of one long burdened with knowledge unavailable to the public. "It's sad, really, the ignorance of some people." I learned the art of dressing myself for normality and style amongst NMPs, both for everyday activities and special occasions. Weddings? Check. Parties? Check. Shopping for groceries? Under control.

Day Two was learning to live in a home with no magical help. I'm glad my editors thought of this so called "boot camp," because I hadn't even thought about cooking, cleaning, and other basic activities that I had always used magic to accomplish. So called "appliances" such as ovens and refrigerators aren't as intimidating to use as one might think, but it does take practice. Carmen taught me everything I needed to know around the house, and introduced me to what is my favorite NMP item thus far: the television. A moving picture with sound inside a plastic box, this seemingly simple device can provide all sorts of entertainment.

Day Three was communications. A huge part of how NMPs correspond has to do with a unique invention known as the Internet. Carmen launched into a long, detailed explanation of how this Internet works, but I couldn't follow half of it. From what I could gather, the Internet is a series of connected NMP machines that allow for the free sending of messages and information. One inputs data from a keyboard identical to a typewriter which is hooked to the computer. Images are displayed on a glowing screen similar to the television. Another method of NMP communication is known as the telephone, a device which allows conversing with another person from long distances.

By this point, Carmen had lulled me into a false sense of security. I felt entirely comfortable with her, and with the material we had covered. Little did I know she was going to take me out on the road, or as I affectionately call it, Hell...

Q-Q-Q

"Carmen, you can't be serious." Susan Bones was apprehensively eyeing the chunk of metal on wheels in front of her.

"Susan, if you want to act like a NMP, knowing how to drive is essential," said Carmen. "Can you fly?"

"With a broomstick?"

"No, of your own accord. Yes, with a broom!" said Carmen, shaking her head.

Susan immediately stiffened. "I can, if absolutely necessary, although I prefer not to ever since an accident I had when I was ten. Why?"

Carmen pointed at the car. "If you can fly a broom, you can drive a car."

"Great," sighed Susan. "Well, let's get this over with."

The two got into the vehicle, and Susan could feel her palms go sweaty as she stared down the steering wheel. She was never any particular flying genius, and since she almost killed herself on a broom at the age of ten, she had tried to avoid any and all broom travel. The comparison made between flying and driving was not comfortable.

"Alright, down by your feet are two pedals," said Carmen as she buckled herself in. "The one on the right makes the car speed up, called the gas pedal, and the left pedal is for stopping or slowing the car, known as the brake."

Susan took a deep breath and positioned her feet on the appropriate pedal. "So how do you get this puppy going?"

Carmen took one look at Susan's feet and began to fuss in her usual manner. "No, no, you only use the right foot for driving. It's very dangerous to try and brake with the left foot, and what happens if you mix up your feet-"

"I get it." Susan moved her offending left foot away from the pedal.

"Now, this key starts the car, and it goes in the ignition..."

Needless to say, I now have a healthy respect and the upmost admiration for anyone who can operate one of those Death Machines, and figure I'll have enough material to write for a year just based on my driving abilities (or lack thereof).

Day Five was a return to semi-normality, with a lesson in popular culture. Turns out that NMPs have quite the affinity for being entertained not only by the radio as we magical folks are so fond of, but by the television, the movie theater (an enlarged version of the television that shows longer pictures), and various forms of live entertainment. Plays, musicals, all enjoyed by our nonmagical brethren. Literature is a central element to NMP entertainment. There's every type- classics that everyone likes but no one reads, fast paced mysteries, romances your mother wouldn't let you read, and ye olde coming of age tale. Who know there was such diversity in the NMP world? I certainly didn't.

The final two days of the week were days of rest and recovery. My brain has absorbed an intense amount of information, and I can only hope to retain the majority of it for my first real week among new people, places, and traditions. As a side note: congratulations to Mr. Harry Potter on his appointment to Head of the Auror Division. May he continue to keep us all safe.

Susan Bones is one of "Witch Weekly"'s most well-known writers, most famous for her biography piece The Other Heros: The Often Forgotten Story of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. During the first five years after the Battle of Hogwarts, Ms. Bones dedicated her life to rebuilding the credibility of the wizarding media, bringing a much needed objective voice to publications such as The Daily Prophet. She currently resides in Diagon Alley with her cat, Fred. Readers can write letters to Susan while she is on assignment by the following address:

Susan Bones, c/o Quincy Igman

Witch Weekly, Little Red Publications

195 Diagon Alley, London

re: Magical Miscellany, On Assignment